Archive for the ‘one-liners’ Tag
I decided that todays post would address a few things that are important to me now that I’m within shouting distance of being eighty years old. As anyone that reads this blog knows, I’m all about maintaining a really good sense of humor about almost everything. Nothing is funnier for me then one-liners. They convey a lot of laughs and good will with a very small investment of words. Being an old fart like me means often thinking about death as well as just being too damn old. Here are a few one-liners that cheer me up and I hope they do the same for you. Enjoy!
GROWING OLD
- I’m so old that when I go to a cafe’ order a three-minute boiled egg, they want the money up front.
- I was always taught to respect my elders but I’ve reached the age when I don’t have anyone left to respect.
- The only reason I’ve taken up jogging is so I can hear heavy breathing again.
DEATH
- My grief counselor has just died. He was so damn good, I don’t give a shit.
- I want to die peaceably in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Death is Nature’s way of saying “Slow down”.
HAPPINESS
- Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
- Happiness is sunshine, a good meal, and a good or a bad woman. It depends how much happiness you can handle.
- Ecstasy is happiness with its clothes off.
- Some people light up a room when they enter it. Other people do so when they leave. (YOU KNOW WHO YOUR ARE)
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ARE YOU SMILING YET?
Todays post contains a modest collection of ethnic Irish humor. The jokes are quite lame and unfortunately the limericks are quite tame. Since I have a few Irish ancestors hiding in my family tree, I feel obligated to share some of their humor with you. And not to ignore the obvious Irish traits and traditions, I’ll be drinking a glass of excellent Irish whiskey as I type this post. And before anyone asks . . . no, I don’t have red hair.
Lets start with a few one liners.
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- He was a terrible wreck and his trembling hands told the whole story. “Tell me,” asked his doctor, “do you drink much?” “Deed I don’t. Sure I spill most of it.”
- “That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply. “Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
- Then there was the Irish shopkeeper who said his eggs were so fresh the hens hadn’t missed them.
Here a a couple of true Irish limericks.
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A lovely young maiden of Kilglass,
Who wore intimate garments of brass.
Pat, one night on the porch,
With an acetylene torch,
Just melted her resistance, at last!
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A western young lady named Flynn,
Would tell of her plans with a grin,
“I intend to be bold,
In manner untold,
For there’s need of original sin.”
And last but not least, some pithy Irish sayings for your pleasure.
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Then there was the Irishman who was asked the difference between an explosion and a collision. “In a collision,” he replied, “there you are but in an explosion where are you?“
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She was only a whiskey maker’s daughter but he loved her still.
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A notice in a Galway newspaper some years ago is worthy of preservation: “Because of a lack of space a number of births have been held over until next week.”
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The police department magazine in Dayton, Ohio, once carried the following ad: For sale, second-hand tombstone, excellent buy for someone name Murphy.
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SLEEP IS THE FIRST SIGN OF RECOVERY
everyuselessthing.com 