I’m about to do something I don’t normally do. That is to distribute information received from what might be considered a disgruntled and unhappy reader. A while ago I received an e-mail from this reader accusing me of being a neoconservative Neanderthal because he disagreed with me on some of my comments concerning political correctness running amok. I can’t argue the Neanderthal crack, but I’m no neoconservative, nor am I an independent, Republican or Democrat. I’m just a regular guy who believes in the spirit of fairness and freedom of speech. With that in mind here’s the list he emailed me (tongue-in-cheek, I hope) of politically correct terminology I should be using. If he truly used any of these nonsensical terms, he is no doubt a friendless New Age moron. Oh, sorry if I’m being too harsh. What can you expect from an effing Neanderthal? Here they are, I hope you enjoy them as much as I didn’t.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT – he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER – he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING – he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK – he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not ACT LIKE A TOTAL ASS – he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT – he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE OR A CHICK – she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER OR MOANER – she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB – she is ON A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK OR TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY – she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – she is PHYSICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU – she becomes OVERLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE – she is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
Well, there you have it. A collection of foolish politically correct nonsense from a A-hole Millennial before he knew he was one. Hard to believe he actually spent time compiling this crap although he probably just got it from one of his Millennial buddies. Standing up for free speech can sometimes get you stuck doing something like this. I do apologize.
Happy New Year! I’m a little embarrassed at this point after surfing the net and reading through some books trying to find quotations that were based on the start of the new year. I couldn’t have been more disappointed. The following few quotations are just samples of the drivel and worthless quotes I discovered in my search. I sincerely apologize. We’d be better off making up our own quotations because no matter how bad we thought they might be, they’d be better than these. Read them and weep. If this is the best we can do, were in deep trouble.
“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” Brad Paisley
“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” Oprah Winfrey
“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” Benjamin Franklin
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” Edith Lovejoy Pierce
“May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!” Aleister Crowley
“The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose, new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man-made New Year resolution, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.” G.K. Chesterton
Now that I’ve given it some thought, here’s my quote:
“HERE WE GO AGAIN, keep your head down, make no eye contact with anyone, maintain your social distance, and wear a freaking mask.“
I’m about to write a short story which is a multilevel PSA (Public Service Announcement). I’ll explain what that means in a few minutes but first I wanted to mention a video I watched on Facebook a few days ago. It was a home video taken by Taylor Swift’s mother a short while after she’d had her wisdom teeth removed. She was a bit loopy, confused, and hysterically funny. I laughed along with everyone else until I sat down and started thinking about when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I’ve written about it in the past and it’s still funny now, but it wasn’t funny then as you’ll see.
It’s March of 1974, Richard Nixon resigned the presidency, gas is $.55 a gallon, and I’m getting my damn wisdom teeth removed. I’m a 28-year-old police officer who was being driven to the dentist by his wife anticipating I wouldn’t be able to drive home. The dentist puts me in the chair, fills me with an anesthesia, and removes the wisdom teeth. I woke up a short time later in a side room and had no idea who or where I was. I’m force-fed a painkiller that in company with the residual anesthesia left me a damn zombie. I’m loaded into my car and driven a short distance to a local drugstore to pick up my painkiller prescription and ordered by my wife to stay in the car.
It’s March and it’s cold so I turn on the heater, close the windows, and relax. But only for a moment. Being the conscientious police officer I was, I remembered that I’d left my loaded pistol in the glove compartment. I removed the pistol, popped out the magazine, and placed it in my pocket. So far, so good. Out of habit I took the unloaded weapon and aimed it casually at the end of my foot and dry fired. Oops, I forgot about the round in the chamber and being a relatively good shot, I hit what I aimed at. The bullet punched a neat round hole through the toe of my shoe, removed a small crescent shaped chunk from the side of my big toe, on through the floor of the car, hitting the pavement and ricocheting into the passenger side tire.
I was hammered and stunned all at the same time. The car was filled with smoke, I couldn’t hear a thing and found myself laughing hysterically. In fact, the sound of the shot in the car deafened me for about 15 minutes. My wife arrived, opened the door, and four or five F-bombs later finally asked me if my foot was okay. Of course, her first priority was the tire, seeing as it was her car.
The moral of the story is simple. First never, ever, handle a gun while “stoned” with legal or illegal drugs. Secondly, never operate machinery, vehicles, or small pistols while taking painkillers, and thirdly, never trust a smiling dentist or a soon-to-be ex-wife. That’s my tale of woe and my admission to sheer stupidity. I’m hanging my head in shame even remembering it again. It sounds just as stupid now as it did then. What was I thinking? I obviously wasn’t.
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away I was required to work eight hours a day, 40 hours a week, with insurance companies. Truthfully it wasn’t much fun and after talking to literally hundreds of insurance company employees, they agreed. I was forced to read hundreds of accident reports and then pass them on to the insurance carriers. Some information contained in those reports was incredible to say the least. The following list of quotations is taken from actual submitted insurance claims concerning automobile accidents. You can read them, take your time, and try to figure out exactly what they mean. Here we go . . .
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.”
“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”
“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
“I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.”
I give thanks everyday that I know longer have to deal with this nonsense. The only thing worse than dealing with insurance companies is dealing with their customers.
I just finished allowing the federal government and the IRS to peek into my business as they so love to do. The only people worse than them is Google. I figure in just a few years Google will take over the entire earth and make information slaves of us all. But that’s a topic for another day.
Each and every time I file a tax return I become moody, disrespectful, and rebellious and today is no different. I’m not motivated to do do much else so you will be inundated with a truckload of useless crap. I haven’t done this for some time so all complaints will be trash-canned.
Here goes nothing . . . .
The first name of of TV detective Lieutenant Columbo was Phillip.
The Flintstones lawyer who never lost a case was called Perry Masonry.
Rita Hayworth’s real name was Margarita Cansino.
Spencer Tracy said he would only take the part of the Penquin in the Batman TV series if he were allowed to kill Batman.
Sylvester Stallone used to sweep the lion cages in New York’s Central Park Zoo to pay his way while trying to break into acting.
Sean Connery once worked as a coffin polisher.
Are you captivated yet with this stream of meaningless nonsense. Don’t get up and walk away because I have a few more tidbits.
After Harrison Ford’s brief 1966 appearance as a bell-boy in Dead Heat on a Merry-Go-Round he was told, “Kid, you aint got it.”
Johnny Mathis dubbed Miss Piggy’s singing voice in The Muppet Movie.
Liquid Paper was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith of Monkee fame.
Don McLean’s song “American Pie” is not named after the plane in which Buddy Holly died – the plane had no name, only a registration number: N3794N.
Popeye’s girlfriend, Olive Oyl, wore a size 14A shoe.
The Muppet Show was banned from TV in Saudi Arabia because one of it’s stars was Miss Piggy. Pigs are forbidden to Muslims.
And in keeping with the upcoming tax day . . .
Americans Use Sixteen Thousand Tons of Aspirin Each Year.
‘This doesn’t fall in January but I like it anyway.”
We all love observances or so it seems. I’ve never seen or understood why they’re so necessary. It seems that if more than three people get together and agree on something it immediately becomes necessary to make the entire country aware of it. So they submit a request to one of our overpaid and more times than not incompetent politicians requesting a day be set forth for a celebration of their oh so important subject.
Politicians who are consumed with getting reelected will prostitute themselves in any way for recognition, no matter how stupid or inane the request might be. Since January and February are such slow months they seem to have plenty of time on their hands for these Monthly, Weekly, and Daily observances. A small portion seem reasonable but the vast majority are just so much fluff and utter nonsense. This post will be my PSA (Public Service Announcement) for the first quarter of this year. The following list contains only a portion of the large number of daily observances for January. Some are funny, most are stupid, and some I have no idea what they mean or what they’re meant to accomplish.
Asarah B’Tevet Day: 1 A SHOULDER SHRUG AND PUZZLED LOOK HERE.
Euro Day: 1 WHO REALLY CARES?
First Foot Day: 1
New Year’s Dishonor List Day: 1
Z Day: 1 WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS FOR?
Happy Mew Year for Cats Day: 2 SO FREAKING LAME.
Drinking Straw Day: 3
Fruitcake Toss Day: 3 THIS MIGHT BE REFERRING TO THE POLITICIANS.
*Memento Mori "Remember You Die" Day: 3
Dimpled Chad Day: 4 ANOTHER DEMOCRAT FROM FLORIDA I’LL BET.
Tom Thumb Day: 4
Bird Day: 5 I’VE GOT A BIRD FOR THEM RIGHT HERE.
"Thank God It’s Monday" Day: 5
I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day: 7
National Tempura Day: 7
The list continues but I promise you they don’t get any better. The further along we go the worse it seems to get.
Argyle Day: 8
Bubble Bath Day: 8
National English Toffee Day: 8
National Bubble Bath Day: 8
National Joy Germ Day: 8
Balloon Ascension Day: 9
National Cassoulet Day: 9 I HAVE NO CLUE ON THIS ONE.
National Static Electricity Day: 9
Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day: 11 THIS IS SOOO CRUCIAL.
No Pants Subway Ride Day: 11 THIS SHOULD BE A NEW YORK HOLIDAY.
Kiss A Ginger (Red Heads) Day: 12 THOUGHT UP BY A PISSED OFF RED HEAD.
Rubber Duckie Day: 13
Caesarean Section Day: 14 WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE THIS?
Dress Up Your Pet Day: 14 TO STUPID TO BE BELIEVED.
‘Is there a ribbon for Stupid?”
I just wonder how much time is wasted by our overpaid politicians to process these stupid requests and present them for an official vote. What special interest groups could some of these possibly represent?
Appreciate A Dragon Day: 16
Fig Newton Day: 16
International Fetish Day: 16 A FAVORITE OF MOST POLITICIANS.
Nothing Day: 16 AMEN TO THIS.
Tu B’shuvt: 16 HAVEN’T A CLUE.
Cable Car Day: 17
Tin Can Day: 19
Penguin Awareness Day: 20
National Disc Jockey Day: 20
Squirrel Appreciation Day: 21 THIS IS NUTS.
I know, I know, it’s also hard for me to believe that this partial list continues on. Just be glad I didn’t list everything else that I found for January or you’d be reading for another twenty minutes.
Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day: 22 IF YOUR CAT ANSWERS GIVE ME A CALL.
I find it really interesting and ironic that the following two observances fall on the same day.
Celebration of Life Day: 22
Roe vs. Wade Day: 22
Back to the last few entries for this embarrassing display of political patronage and political correctness.
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day: 23 I CELEBRATE THIS DAY AFTER EVERY SNOW STORM.
Beer Can Day: 24 MY BETTER-HALF IS THE POSTER GIRL ON THIS ONE.
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day: 24
Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 26
National Kazoo Day: 28 HERE’S ONE MORE THING TO HUM ON.
Inane Answering Message Day: 30
Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day: 31
That’s it for today. You now know way more about January observances than you’ve ever wanted. I deeply apologize but I feel these days must be recognized and celebrated because our politicians say so. NOT!!!
A few days I ago my better-half and I were sitting in a local restaurant chatting up one of her co-workers. During that conversation her friend casually asked me if I’d made any New Year’s Resolutions. I can’t remember exactly why she asked but I answered with a yes. Obviously she’s never read this blog because I post them every January for all to see.
We returned home and during the ride I decided to check the archives and do a mid-year review of my resolutions for 2014 just to see how I’ve been doing. Let’s start with this one:
1. Read five books a month.
So far I’m on track with this resolution even though I lost my Kindle reader on my trip to Texas. Now that I’m able to once again read my Kindle books from three additional devices I should have no trouble successfully completing this one.
2. Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking.
I think I jumped the gun on this one because he has yet to start speaking clearly enough to begin cursing. I may have to wait for 2015 to get this one accomplished. This one is a big FAIL so far.
3. Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.
So far I’m succeeding on this one but just barely. For the year it will be too close to call since it’s difficult not to use my favorite word at every opportunity. The question isn’t using it too much, it’s having too many reasons to use it at all. If people aggravated me less this one would be a snap.
4. Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year.
I’m doing well on this one thanks to my weight loss program. I’ve pretty much given up drinking the hard stuff and have returned to sipping the occasional glass of wine. Boring but healthier.
5. Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month).
Since we purchased the K-Kup coffee maker I’ve cut my Dunkin Donut spending by two thirds. I can make excellent coffee at home now and not be forced to spend two dollars a cup elsewhere. Hooray for me.
6. Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room. It scares the neighbors if their complaints mean anything at all.
I seem to be failing miserably on this one. I just can’t seem to keep my clothes on and may have flashed my new and smaller ass to the neighbors and a few lucky passersby. I’m trying to behave but I suspect this will be a FAIL once again. One of my better-half’s resolutions is to buy and install window coverings this year but I haven’t seen them yet. I wonder how much the neighbors will complain if they never get to see my ass again.
7. Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life.
I’m crossing my fingers on this one for now. The better-half has been putting serious pressure on me to get chickens and goats. The negotiations have progressed to where she’s agreeing to no goats if we can just get a few chickens. My negotiating position has remained the same from the beginning – NO FREAKING GOATS OR CHICKENS. For this year I will accomplish this resolution but I’m losing the battle little by little.
If I counted correctly, I’m keeping up with five of my seven resolutions but I suspect I may lose some ground during the remainder of 2014. The road to hell really is paved with good intentions.
I’m a huge critic of the media but at the same time I try to remain fair in that criticism, Truthfully, I hate them all. When this government of ours was created the Media was to be a watchdog on those politicians known for being corrupt and wasteful with our tax dollars. The process begins to breakdown once the Media becomes a tool of the government. You can see it now with Obama putting the Media through it’s paces with little or no criticism of any wrongdoing. They worship the ground he walks on and it’s pitiful. I think the turning point was reached when all of the largest newspapers and Media outlets were purchased by corporate America. It’s was a “Kiss of Death” to our democracy as it was meant to be.
The Media has the luxury of editing and reporting only those things that agree with their political agendas as directed by the corporate bosses. The good quality journalists have become extinct and are only talked about around the water coolers of the surviving newsgroups. What we have now are over educated talking heads who are news readers rather than investigative reporters. The following list is humorous but at the same time just reinforces my thoughts on the subject.
How do you like these idiotic headlines written by alleged reporters, edited by alleged editors, and published as shown. Unbelievable is the word your looking for. Here we go.
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE – ONE DIES
TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM LOVED ONE
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY, LET’S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST A WHILE
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
CHILD’S DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELING OF ISOLATION
Remember what you’ve read here when they begin telling you how to think and vote. Believe nothing they say unless you can verify it though other reliable sources. It’s your country, take the time and make the effort.
everyuselessthing.com 