This year has been flying by at supersonic speed which is why my mid-year review of my New Years Resolutions is two months late. I only listed five items this year rather than the ten I usually do because I’m old, lazy, and distracted by damn near everything.
READ MORE THAN 100 BOOKS
(Finished 74 so far as per Kindle, so far so good.)
TRY TO BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER TOWARDS THE REST OF THE WORLD
(Try as I might, this one may never be accomplished.)
KEEP DUNKIN’ EXPENDITURES TO LESS THAN $40.00 A MONTH
(Due to my coffee addicted partner, I’m failing this one miserably.)
COMPLETE EIGHT PAINTINGS OR PRINTS
(Four down and four more to go. I may make it.)
LEARN AT LEAST FOUR NEW CUSS WORDS FROM MY GRANDSONS
(This one was the easiest one since they only curse around me.)
My score so far is 2 NO’s, 2 YES’s, and 1 NO EFFING WAY.
I’ll be doing a final review in January 2025. Now how about a quick little dirty joke to make you smile? It’s a slow day and we always need laughter in our life.
Two women were playing golf when one sliced her shot into a men’s foursome, causing one man to collapse in agony with both of his hands in his crotch. Rushing to his aid, the culprit apologized profusely, explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. “No, it’s OK,” winced the man. “No, I insist,” she said as she undid the zipper of his jeans and began massaging his genitals. “There, does that feel better?” “Yes, it feels great,” said the man. “But my thumb still hurts like hell!!”
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
🐶👩🏻
The family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of “boobies” are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20’s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions”? asked the son. “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom”, how many kinds of penises are there? The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his 30’s and 40’s, it’s like a birch, flexible and reliable. After his 50’s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter. “Yes, “it’s dead from the roots up and the balls are for decoration only.
Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!” “What’s the rush?” his friend asked. “The fucking elastic in these legs is killing me,” the guy replied.
“The man was on the witness stand and the lawyer asked him, “What was my client doing that night? The witness said, “He was fucking!!” The judge told the witness, “You can’t say fuck in court.” So, the lawyer again asked the man, “”What was my client doing on that night?” “He was fucking your honor!!! The judge said to him again, “Listen, if you say fuck again, I’m going to hold you confined in jail for 30 days for contempt of court.” So, the lawyer rephrased his question and said, “Could you describe what my client was doing on that night?” The man thought quietly for moment and said this:
“His pants were down to his knees,
His ass was swinging in the breeze,
His you know what was in the you know where,
And if that isn’t fucking, you can give me the chair.”
If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted down
all the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it?
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, we can all kick back, relax, and wait for the Fall foliage, then snow, and of course the string of holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years Eve and finally New Years Day. I’m exhausted already from just listing them all. Maybe I’m overdue for a two-month vacation to any remote island filled with topless native girls, beach feasts, and lots of grog and margaritas. But since that’s not happening how about we kick off the Fall season with a few “G” rated limericks.
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Oscar Wilde passed away in Paris in 1900. He spent the last few years of his life penniless and eventually died of neglect. He was a master playwright, poet and intellectual who was well known for his thousands of epigrams. It seems to me he would have been much more successful if he’d been born in the 20th or 21st century. To experience his wit and knowledge on an open forum talk show would have been absolutely amazing. Today I’ll post a few of my all-time favorites of his epigrams. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have over the years.
No great artist ever sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.
Never trust a woman who tells you her real age; a woman who tells you that will tell you anything.
The proper basis for a marriage is mutual misunderstanding.
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Education is a wonderful thing, provided you always remember that nothing worth knowing can ever be taught.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything.
To regain my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or become respectable.
*****
Here is one of my favorite quotes of his and it is partially responsible for the creation of this blog.
“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information around.”
I am an old fart. It’s not an easy admission to make regardless of your age but when you get to a certain point you just have to face it. I see it in the eyes of people that I deal with on a regular basis, that look of sadness when they remember how I once was. None of us seniors are looking for pity, but that look is a little disrespectful. Aging is something we all have to deal with in our own way but never underestimate a person with white hair, a bit of a potbelly, and a curmudgeonly attitude. All of you younger folks will realize how tough the transition to old age is soon enough when your time comes. So, I’ll do my best to help you understand what you’re in for. Here is a little old-fart humor that may help you understand what I’m talking about.
An old woman was feeling suicidal following the death of her beloved husband. So, she decided to use his old gun to shoot yourself through the heart. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden, she asked her doctor precisely where the heart was located on a woman. “Just below your left breast,” he answered. Later that night she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, wearing nothing from the waist down. “Grandpa, what you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? “The old man looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmother’s great idea.
An 80-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of 21. His trusted friend and advisor, the local banker, had serious doubts as to how long the old man would be able to satisfy such a young and agile bride and feared for his friend’s happiness and safety. So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony, he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand to help around the ranch, knowing full well that the hired hand could possibly help out in the bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back. The rancher thought it was a great idea and agreed. Four months later, the banker called his friend. “How’s the new wife working out?” he asked. “She’s pregnant,” replied the old man. The banker smiled knowingly. “And how is the hired hand?” The old man replied, “Oh, she’s pregnant too.
How do you know when you’re getting old? When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Over the last month I’ve posted a few times about the decade of the 1980’s. Those posts seemed to grab the attention of quite a few people, and I didn’t really understand why. I lived through the eighties, but I was a little disconnected from reality at the time (thanks to marijuana) and a seven-day work week. I had just started a new business and wasn’t paying much attention to the people and the goings-on of the country. To say I’m an expert on the 1980’s would be a lie but being the nosy person that I am I decided to do a little research into that time period. I also decided to test myself with a ten question 1980’s trivia challenge. To be honest, I failed miserably. Here are the ten questions of which I was able to correctly answer just four. I guess it just doesn’t pay to be oblivious to the world around you. I’m listing the answers so even if you cheat, no one will ever know. Enjoy!
What was the last number one song of the 1980’s? “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins
What company advertised its denim jeans as “for the American way of life”? Zena, by Zena Gilbert
What was the name of Al Pacino’s character in the 1983 Brian de Palma film Scarface? Tony Montana
What actress starred opposite the title character in the 1986 film Howard the Duck? Leah Thompson
What is the A in TV’s ALF stand for? Alien
Which of these NASA space shuttles did not fly in the 1980’s? Endeavor
What was the name of the boat involved in the Donna Rice scandal that sank Gary Harts 1988 presidential run? Monkey Business
What product was introduced with an Orwellian TV commercial entitled “1984”? Apple Macintosh
Who hosted the syndicated game show Love Connection when it debuted in 1983? Chuck Woolery
What pain reliever was pulled from store shelves in 1982 after a Chicago-area tampering case killed seven? Tylenol
I’ve always thought of myself as quite the romantic but unfortunately there weren’t many women who agreed. All you really can do is accept your failings and keep on trying. I admit that after hearing ‘you’re not very romantic” a dozen or more times I finally got the message. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get it right and after discussions with other men I discovered it was quite possible that I wasn’t the entire problem. I continued to stumble along like a kid in a candy store with no pennies in his pocket. These limericks are for all of those ladies (and I use the term loosely) that didn’t appreciate my hundreds of romantic moves. These beautiful poems are a little dated, but they all have important information concerning men and women involved in “Little Romances”.
It’s sunny outside. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it’s an effing miracle. I’m sitting here basking in the sun as I read through some of the thousands of limericks I have on file. Today’s limericks are not for the youngsters or those overly sensitive and chaste virgins. They were apparently written in the early 1980’s when an off-color sense of human was more acceptable. For a change these are a little bawdy but in a cute and funny way and I hope you enjoy them.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
Sean Connery once polished coffins for cash.
There are 27 moons orbiting Uranus. (pun intended)
More than 29 years after the Japanese surrendered in World War II, Lt. Onoda Hiro was discovered in the Philippines. He refused to surrender until he was ordered to do so by his commanding officer.
In Sri Lanka, nonverbal signals for agreement are reversed from those in Western countries. Nodding your head means “no” and shaking your head from side-to-side means “yes.”
A person can’t be a sumo wrestler in Japan unless he weighs more than 154 pounds and is taller than five feet seven inches.
*****
“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill
President. James Garfield was shot by an assassin in 1881. Six doctors attempted to treat the wounded president, but several probed the wound with their bare fingers, introducing a fatal infection into his body.
Lloyds of London Paid out $3,019,400 in insurance claims to the families of the victims who perished in the Titanic disaster.
Ermal Fraze invented the pop-top aluminum can in 1963, he received U.S. patent number 3,349,949 for the design.
Approximately 75% of what we think we taste is actually coming from our sense of smell.
Couples married in the first three months of the year tend to have higher divorce rates than those married in the later months.
*****
“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” – Lao Tzu
