Archive for November 2015
I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life. I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.
I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:
Breathing
Breasts
Breast milk
Diapers
I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting.
Breasts
Legs
Butts
Pornography
Sex
Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent. And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.
My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:
Sex
Breasts
Legs
French Blondes
Cigarettes
Beer
Pornography
College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:
Sex
Oral Sex
Brunettes
Blondes
Red Heads
Breasts
Beer
Whiskey
Marijuana
Wine
I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:
Sex
Oral sex
Oriental Women
Black Hair
Whiskey
Coffee
Cigarettes
Beer
Marijuana
Speed
Adrenaline
Wine
I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:
Any Sex
Breasts
Coffee
Reading
Photography
Computers
Chocolate
Wine
Exercise
As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away. They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful. I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot.
My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever.
The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.
I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.
Today feels exceptionally uninteresting. It’s a little blah, a little gray, and a little cold which means I’m suffering from a total lack of interest. I was just advised by my better-half that I’d be spending the better part of this day being dragged along on her shopping safari. Thank God I recharged my Kindle last night so I’m now good to go. That means I get to sit in the car and read while she shops.
If I use my head and offer up a little charm I might just convince her to buy me some sort of breakfast. I have a serious need for bacon and I need it right now. I swear it’s a worse addiction than cigarettes or coffee. It’s maybe the only thing that keeps these shopping forays bearable for me.
This blog needs a bit of a breather from stories about my life and times. Today I’ll supply the world with a few really useless but possibly interesting tidbits of information. It’s been a while since I’ve dished out a dose of these factoids and today’s the day. Here we go . . .
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The average American two-car garage is 25 percent bigger than the average Tokyo home.
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The European Union exports more to Switzerland than to China.
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During the first year of the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union, the Red Army issued 800,000 death sentences to it’s own soldiers.
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The first year in which there was no recorded lynching of a black American was 1952.
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There were 658 suicide bombings around the world in 2007 – more than double the number in any of the previous twenty-five years. Afghanistan and Iraq were responsible for 542 of them.
I didn’t say that all of the factoids would be funny or uplifting because life on this planet leaves a lot to be desired at times.
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In 1976, the United States had 30 percent of the world’s college students. By 2006, that had dropped to 14 percent.
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Intel employees collectively send or read 3 million emails a day.
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The Mafia accounts for 7 percent of the Italian GDP, more than any single business.
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There are as many fake doctors practicing in India as real ones.
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The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds, the average female orgasm twenty seconds.
I guess that last one explains a lot of things. Women not only orgasm longer but get to have multiples as well. That’s just unfair.
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In the United States, adult bookshops outnumber McDonald’s restaurants three to one.
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Napoleon often masturbated before going into battle.
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Red Bull is illegal in Norway, Denmark, and Ireland.
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In 2007, twenty-four people killed themselves jumping under Paris Metro trains. On the New York City Subway the figure was twenty-six, and on the London Underground fifty.
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Men produce twice as much saliva as women.
I think that’s enough for today. I wouldn’t want you to overdose on all this useless stuff. It’s Sunday, watch some football, drink a beer or two, eat some nacho’s and belch like you have a pair. That’s what I call “a day of rest”.
HAPPY SUNDAY
This is the second chapter of our visit with my better-half’s family members as we made our way through the streets of Portland, Maine. For this late in the year this Sunday was absolutely perfect. Sunny and warm with lots of people on the streets enjoying what remains of our Indian Summer. I wore my comfortable shoes in preparation for hours of walking and shopping with the ladies. It was all of that and more.
Portland offers a crazy selection of coffee shops, galleries, and gift shops and it felt like we visited all of them. The women shopped and we men were dragged kicking and screaming through the streets waiting desperately for food and drink, and even a cigars for one of us.
We were in and out of so many different shops and I’m not kidding when I say we could have purchased damn near anything. Look at these little gems we found displayed on the sidewalk and before you make any comments, I didn’t buy any.
‘For shopper’s who need a little weirdness in their lives.’
Our final stop was at our favorite tavern, Three Dollar Dewey’s, for a healthy four course meal of Gin, popcorn, nacho’s, french fries, and a delicious piece of strawberry shortcake.
We had our fill of food and drink and returned to the car feeling fat and sassy. It was a short ride home where we could kick back and relax a little more. The visitors needed a good nights sleep before their departure the next morning as they headed south for Rhode Island.
WE CONTINUE TO ENJOY THIS INDIAN SUMMER
Well for the first time in over a year I missed a day I had scheduled for blogging. I’m as surprised as you are but that old adage of “sh*t happens” happened. I normally post on one day then workout the next and so on and so forth. I became a bit confused and distracted and lost track of the days when our out-of-town visitors were here. It wasn’t until after they left that I realized my error. So enough of that, let me get on with things.
We had such a good time with our visitor’s I’m not sure where to begin. We spent one afternoon in Kennebunkport doing some shopping and having dinner at Federal Jack’s restaurant. A couple bowls of clam chowder and a plate of fried clams were followed by massive platters of fish and chips. Wash that all down with a couple of incredibly excellent Goat Island Light beers and your good to go. So we went.
‘The best fried clams ever.’
The tourists have all fled southern Maine leaving the towns somewhat deserted as reflected by these photo’s:
‘In season.’
‘Off season.’
Federal Jacks just happens to be located directly above the original Shipyard brewery. Of course it’s mandatory with my better-half to complete any trip to Kennebunkport with a stop there too. It’s her own private Hajj.
A fun time was had by all. The food was delicious and the beer cold and refreshing. We took a slow leisurely ride home through Kennebunk where the streets were clogged with parents and costumed children enjoying their Halloween night festivities. We arrived home safely and enjoyed a good night’s sleep.
My next post will be day #2 of their visit where we spent a good part of that day playing tourist in the city of Portland.
We’re in the midst of one beautiful Indian Summer and we all hope it lasts all the way to Thanksgiving.
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