Archive for the ‘cigarettes’ Tag

03-26-2018 My New 21st Century Addiction   2 comments

I haven’ t posted anything since the start of the year and I’m feeling a little guilty.  Having a blog is like having an ungratful child.  It’s a lot of work for which I receive virtually no gratitude.  I especially miss the less than friendly emails received from my more liberal readers.  My life has been empty without their caustic comments and endless political preaching.  I’ve relegated them to a dustly shelf in my mancave where everything that bores me is stored.

Enough of that . . .  On to other matters concerning my newest and least satisfying addiction.  I’ve known for sometime that I have an addictive personality.  As a very young man I had a tremendous taste for beer.  It got me into some trouble in my teens and I had to finally let it go. No more of that nasty brew.  Then in my twenties I turned my attention to cigarettes and the occasion toke of giggle weed.  Both of which hung on until my thirites when I saw the light and quit smoking everything.  No more happiness weed and no more cigarettes.  I got healthy, hit the gym, and finally (according to my mother) turned myself into a beautiful and productive person.

As the years rolled along I ended my addiction to marriage and lived a rather raucous and crazy few years filled with wine women and song.  Yes I’d finally discovered a taste for wine and women but no matter what I did I couldn’t carry a tune. As is usual the combination of wine and women got me into considerable trouble as well. I finally met, fell in love, and settled down with the love-of-my-life, stopped drinking wine and turned instead to brandy.

The next to go was the damn brandy. While I enjoyed the brandy drinking experience it was rather boring and I had to stop. I hate spending that kind of money on alcohol that tastes great but I get no glow.  No glow means you got to go and it did.  So currently I’ve reduced my addictions to just three.  My woman is here to stay, thats #1, and thank god for a continuous supply of Jack Daniels (thats #2).  I’ve limited myself to just two or three Jack & Pepsi’s a week (and maybe a few more if we have visitors). Things seem to be working out perfectly almost . . .

My last remaining addiction is without a doubt the worst.  I’ve rid myself of a major television addiction 2 years ago when I could no longer stand watching 10 minutes of commercials every half hour. I told Dish Network to cancel my account and signed up immediately with Netflix and Amazon for streaming service.  Unfortuneately streaming is a double-edged sword.  Being generous I estimate that both streaming services are 80% crap and only 20% of their movies are worth watching unless you want to pay a fee.  My newest and worst addiction is to this endless supply of  terrible, crappy, and ridiculous movies.

                                             SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME

I’m in dire need of some sort of 12 step program to get me away from this TV.  My greatest fear these days is that my better-half will find me alone in the dark, slumped over in my favorite chair, clutching the remote.  Dead from dehydration, boredom, and felony eye-slaughter.

 

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11-10-2015 Journal–My Favorite Addictions!   Leave a comment

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I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life.  I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.

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I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:

Breathing

Breasts

Breast milk

Diapers

I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting. 

Breasts

Legs

Butts

Pornography

Sex

Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent.  And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.

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My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:

Sex

Breasts

Legs

French Blondes

Cigarettes

Beer

Pornography

College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:

Sex

Oral Sex

Brunettes

Blondes

Red Heads

Breasts

Beer

Whiskey

Marijuana

Wine

I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:

Sex

Oral sex

Oriental Women

Black Hair

Whiskey

Coffee

Cigarettes

Beer

Marijuana

Speed

Adrenaline

Wine

I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:

Any Sex

Breasts

Coffee

Reading

Photography

Computers

Chocolate

Wine

Exercise

As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away.  They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful.  I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot. 

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My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever. 

The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.

I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.

04-08-2015 Journal – My Favorite Addictions!   6 comments

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Over the years I’ve read on a number of occasions about people with addictive personalities. These are people who are drawn to addictive behavior and activities for some unknown reason and can’t ever stop being addicted to something.  I’ve finally decided to admit that I may be one of them.

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My first major addiction started when I was just turning twelve years of age.  Both of my parents were smokers and so were my grandparents. This was before anyone was aware of the dangers of smoking and we all thought it was pretty cool.  Most of my friends smoked as well and we spent more time stealing cigarettes from our families than we did actually smoking them. I was so good at taking their cigarettes they never had a clue. It wasn’t until many years later that I told them about it and we all had a laugh or two. It was either steal from them or take a chance of being caught shoplifting in a store.

There was and still is a price to pay for such behavior and I soon found out what karma was all about.  My best friend at the time was my partner in crime and karma reared it’s ugly head in the following incident we were involved in. It occurred at our elementary school where we accidentally started a fire in a nearby  field while sneaking a cigarette that burned that field just prior to the annual Easter egg hunt.  Lots of fried eggs, firemen, and police officers are all I remember about that day. Karma can be a real bitch.

Marijuana was next on my list and I did my best to smoke as much of it as possible over a five year period.  I slowly weaned myself from both marijuana and cigarettes and finally kicked both nasty habits.  I dabbled with alcohol as well a for a while but I could never get into the projectile vomiting thing.

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After cleaning up my act I fell into two new addictions which I still have to this day. I’m John and I’m a chocoholic and caffeine addict.  I just can’t stay away from these wonderful things and I promise I never will. Unfortunately it may require that I be buried with a bag of Hersey kisses and a hot cup of Hazelnut coffee.  I won’t even get into my bacon issues which are even worse.  It seems like every addiction I’ve ever had has been bad for me and that pisses me off.  Why can’t I find a really healthy addiction?

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My latest and possibly most boring addiction won’t kill me but it does irritate and annoy me. It’s called Words With Friends, a computerized take off of the old Scrabble game and is played on Smart Phones and Tablets.

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I’ve tried on a number of occasions to quit but I keep getting pulled back into it by my friends and family members.  It’s maddening at times because it requires that I respond in a reasonable fashion to their game play. There have been times that I’ve had as many as ten games going on at the same time and at that point it becomes more of a chore than fun. I want to stop but the ever present peer pressure to continue is there and plays heavily on my competitiveness. It becomes even more ridiculous when friends and family members become upset with me if I decline to play or if don’t do an immediate rematch.

I need to find a new addiction and fast.  I’ve never been addicted to sex like some people but I could easily be pulled in that direction. Even that seems like too much work if you think about it.  I want a lazier addiction that I can enjoy without it becoming strenuous. 

I’m being forced to continue my never-ending search but in the meantime does anyone out there know a good four letter word that contains a "Q", an "X", and a "J"? 

Where’s that twelve step program when you need one?

01-29-2014 Journal Entry – Coffee Trivia I   Leave a comment

“Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and as sweet as love.”       Turkish Proverb

Let’s talk about coffee. It’s the only major addiction I have left and I cherish it. When I stopped smoking twenty-eight years ago it was coffee that helped me through all those terrible days without nicotine.  That and Tootsie Pops of course. I don’t know for sure how many Tootsie Pops are in a pound but I gained thirty-five pounds eating them over the course of five months.  Coffee helped to keep me going until I was free of the damn nicotine and then the Tootsie Pops.  Unfortunately by the time that was all over I was also addicted to the coffee as well.  I replaced one killer addiction with a much milder version and was happy as hell about it.

My second major addiction was alcohol.  I never drank enough to join that infamous club of alcoholics but I drank my share.  Now at this stage of my life I’ve given up up drinking almost completely.  Coffee again has been there to help replace the stimulation I received from alcohol with a much milder version.

My third big addiction was eating.  Not the food itself but the eating of the food.  I’ve been a nervous eater for most of my life and once my metabolism slowed it became a problem.  With each passing year it became more of an issue but I waged a good battle to maintain my weight. My good buddy “Coffee” again came to my rescue and for that I’m grateful.

I decided to take a closer look at coffee and to learn as much as I could in the context of this blog..  Today will be Coffee Trivia Day.  I’m celebrating my last great addiction that has made it possible for me to defeat three others.  Here is a list of twenty trivia tidbits, the first of three Coffee Trivia  planned postings.

“A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee – a lot more.” ~Jayne Mansfield

  •  Until the 18th century coffee was almost always boiled.
  • Until the late 1800’s, people roasted their coffee at home. Popcorn poppers and stove-top frying pans were favored.
  • When a coffee seed is planted, it takes five years to yield consumable fruit.
  • William Penn purchased a pound of coffee in New York in 1683 for $4.68.
  • Hawaii is the only state that commercially grows coffee.
  • In the ancient Arab culture there was only one way a woman could legally divorce: If her husband didn’t provide enough coffee.
  • 52% of Americans drink coffee.
  • A acre of coffee trees can produce up to 10,000 pounds of coffee cherries. That amounts to approximately 2000 pounds of beans after hulling or milling.
  • A scientific report form the University of California found that the steam rising from a cup of coffee contains the same amounts of antioxidants as three oranges. The antioxidants are heterocyclic compounds which prevents cancer and heart disease.
  • Adding sugar to coffee is believed to have started in 1715, in the court of King Louis XIV, the French monarch.
  • Advertisements for coffee in London in 1657 claimed that the beverage was a cure for scurvy, gout and other ills.

“Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”  ~Author Unknown

  • Espresso Coffee has just one third of the caffeine content of ordinary coffee.
  • Coffee beans are really berries. Each berry contains two beans (pips).
  • An expert in preparing Turkish coffee is known as a “kahveci”.
  • Irish coffee was actually invented to warm up cold American plane passengers leaving from Ireland.
  • And lastly, Teddy Roosevelt is and was the greatest American coffee drinker, consuming a gallon a day. But you probably shouldn’t attempt to do that.
  • An Arabica coffee tree can produce up to 12 pounds of coffee a year, depending on soil and climate.
  • Australians consume 60% more coffee than tea, a six-fold increase since 1940.
  • Caffeine is on the International Olympic Committee list of prohibited substances. Athletes who test positive for more than 12 micrograms of caffeine per milliliter of urine may be banned from the Olympic Games. This level may be reached after drinking about 5 cups of coffee.
  • Citrus has been added to coffee for several hundred years.

“Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.”  ~Star Trek: Voyager

MORE TO COME

09-26-2013   Leave a comment

It was a week ago that I received a letter in the mail from a government agency which will go unnamed for now.  My household had been chosen from a cast of millions as a candidate for a new confidential study of some sort.  Enclosed in the envelope was a two dollar bill to thank me for reading their introductory letter.  Normally I’d just toss the letter and spend the money.  So what did I do this time?  I threw away the letter and spent the money.

I also took the time to read the letter before  I trashed it which told me that I would be visited by one of their representatives within a few weeks who would ascertain my households eligibility to this mysterious study.  If we were selected we could be paid as much as a whopping $85.00. Of course, the study could last a few years with periodic check-ins by telephone to question us.  I shrugged it off, thought it was stupid and continued on with living my life.

A few weeks later I was at home busy with a myriad of chores my better-half assigns me.  I think it used to be called a "Honey-Do" list or so my father told me.  I never heard the doorbell but I did observe an unidentified man skulking around my front door.  Before I could confront him he had entered a car parked nearby and drove away.  I’ve been a wee bit paranoid since the robbery we had here a year ago and the fact that three more have occurred since in this general vicinity.  I quickly grabbed my gun, my camera, my car keys and jumped in my vehicle and went to find him. He was parked near a nearby neighbors house just sitting along the road in his car. I slowed down long enough to get a very good picture of his car, license plate, and face.  If anything unusual was then later reported I could supply police with the information.  I am the freaking Neighborhood Watch, by God.

Three days later my better-half and I spot the same car and the same guy a mile or so from our house.  We’d no sooner returned home when the guy shows up at my door.  He’s the same A-hole sent by the government to make his highly confidential rounds through the area to interview survey candidates.  I told him to park in my driveway but he refused.  His instructions were to maintain complete confidentiality and not to allow anyone to find out what he’s doing and where he’s doing it.  It’s just so freaking stupid!

Being the nice guy that I am I immediately checked his drivers license and government photo ID card.  If I could have given him a DNA test and taken his fingerprints I would have done that too.  What a dumb ass.  We live in a rural area where strange cars and people can be spotted almost immediately.  He was in our area for a just a few days and had been photographed by me, accosted by another Neighborhood Watch member, and stopped by the police.

A typical dumb ass government drone with no common sense whatsoever. I asked him in and he pulled out his laptop and began asking me questions about smoking and my use or non use of electronic cigarettes. This survey will most certainly be the first volley in the government’s war against the use of electronic cigarettes.  In three years when this BS survey is completed I’m sure we’ll be blanketed with a media campaign explaining the evils of smoking electronic cigarettes and how they will kill us all.  The survey will give the government as many statistics as they need to scare the crap out of everyone I’m sure.  They feel required to save us all from that highly soon to be dangerous second hand water vapor.

He tried to convince me that the survey was being funded by the private sector and not by my hard earned tax money. I doubted that but said nothing.  I tried not to laugh in his face because I’m just a really nice effing guy and I don’t trust the government when it tells me anything.  I think he began to pickup on my skepticism and moments later after fiddling with his laptop for a few minutes I was told that the computer disqualified my household for the study.  He was up and gone in mere moments. Good riddance!

Your hard earned tax dollars are hard at work apparently preparing to stack the deck with another confidential study.  One that again will attempt to scare you to death about something they feel is bad for you.  They obviously know best  because we’re nothing more than a gang of mouth-breathing morons. That makes playing games with another national survey justified I suppose.

Land of the free, home of the brave?  Not so much anymore.