For those of you limerick lovers, I thought I’d give you a small selection from a category called “Oral Irregularities”. No further explanation is necessary, just enjoy them.
If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you know I enjoy bawdy limericks as well as really dirty and funny jokes. With the last dregs of winter upon us I thought we could all use a few really good dirty jokes to start our day. As I was surfing the net, I discovered these three quite by accident and I absolutely loved them. I’m sure they will get a chuckle out of just about everyone. Here they are . . .
NUNS
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time that I kinda-sorta touched one with the tip of my pinky finger” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well, there was this one time that I held one for just a moment”. Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you will be admitted” and she does so. Now at this time, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There’s no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
LITTLE BILLY
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in, and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down, we’d have lost her for sure!”
THE FACELIFT
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the salesclerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,”he replied. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt, I’ll be able to tell your exact age.” There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, you are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
I hope you got a good laugh out of these three jokes. What a better way to start your day with some good filthy humor. More to come in the future.
Normally, I find that posts concerning anything remotely related to sex seem to catch everyone’s eye. I’ve found one other subject that draws as much attention (almost) and that’s death. Here are a few obscure facts on celebrities during their final days and hours. It’s a bit morbid but informative.
Errol Flynn (1909 – 1959) was buried at Forest lawn Memorial Park Cemetery in Glendale, California, with a half-dozen friends, six bottles of whiskey, and farewell gifts from his boozing buddies.
It happened one night, the death of Oscar-winning legend Claudette Colbert (1903 – 1996), after she suffered a series of strokes. But when she was alive, the actor made a promise: “I must never think about death. People who think about death are mentally sick.”
John Belushi (1949 – 1982) His final resting place is at Abel’s Hill Cemetery, Martha’s Vineyard but Belushi ain’t where you think he is. The huge boulder marked BELUSHI is just a deterrent, a place where fans can leave their liquor bottles, cigarette packs and other sundry “souvenirs”. His real grave lies several yards from the boulder, and nobody’s telling exactly where that may be.
Trivia Footnote: The three longest obituaries to run in the New York Times were, Pope John Paul II at 13870 words, Richard Nixon at 13155 words, and Ronald Reagan at 11,411.
Humphrey Bogart (1899 – 1957) His last words were to his wife Lauren Bacall as she left his bedside to run a quick errand, “Hurry back”. He was buried with a small gold whistle that he had given to Bacall before they were married. It referred to their first movie together and was inscribed with “If you want anything, just whistle.”
Joan Crawford (1905 – 1977) She died in her New York apartment from a heart attack and was also suffering from breast and pancreatic cancer. Her last words were directed to her housekeeper that had begun to pray out loud. She emphatically stated “Damn it! Don’t you dare ask God to help me!”
I certainly hope that when my time comes, I’ll have something a little more interesting to say. Maybe I’ll make a crib sheet to keep in my pocket with three or four really interesting comments and just before I go, I’ll choose the one I like the best. I don’t need a cutesy epithet either because hopefully my ashes will be floating somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.
“The unborn work in the psyche of the artist is a force of nature that achieves its end either with tyrannical might or with the subtle cunning of nature herself, quite regardless of the personal fate of the man who is its vehicle.”
Carl Gustav Jung (26 July 1875 – 6 June 1961) was a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who founded analytical psychology. During that time, he came to the attention of Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis. Jung was also an artist, craftsman, builder and a prolific writer. Many of his works were not published until after his death and some are still awaiting publication.
I am a constant collector of weird and unusual facts and information. During my travels if I see something that even looks a little bit interesting, I collected it. I have many books in my archives that I’ve not read as thoroughly as I’d like and information your see here is from one of those books. Hope you enjoy it.
As the great Chicago fire of 1871 killed 300 people, an even deadlier fire was under way 200 miles to the north. It devastated Peshtigo, Wisconsin, killing 600 people; but somehow it never got the same attention.
All of Reykjavík, the capital of Iceland, is heated by underground hot springs. Reykjavík is probably the cleanest capital city in the world.
The first hydrogen bomb, tested in 1952, was as powerful as the total of all the bombs dropped on Germany and Japan during World War II, including both of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
The African climate is not always warm. The Nile River has frozen over at least twice, in 829 A.D. and in 1010.
For amusement, it was agreed by four friends holidaying in Switzerland that each would write a ghost story. Percy B Shelley, George Byron, and Dr. John William Polidori never finished theirs. Only 18-year-old Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin did. She published it anonymously two years later, in 1818, with a preface by her husband, Shelley. Mary Shelley’s novel about Dr. Victor Frankenstein and his monstrous creation became a classic.
Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norkay deservedly received much praise when they were the first to climb to the summit of Mount Everest. Less known is the fact that they had a roster of 12 climbers, 40 Sherpa guides, and 700 porters.
Three pairs of common English rabbits were let loose in Australia, in the middle of the 19th century. Within a decade, the six rabbits had multiplied into millions, menacing the country’s agriculture.
Japan did not send an ambassador to another nation until it sent Niimi Masaoki to the US for a few weeks in 1860.
The daughters of a mother who is colorblind and a father who has normal vision will have normal vision. The sons will be colorblind, however.
Up to 150 tons of meteorite fragments slammed into the Earth each year. As far as is known, only seven people have been struck by such rocks from space.
By “deciphering” the Book of Revelations, a minister in Lochau in East Germany proclaimed that the world would end on October 18, 1533. When it didn’t happen, the minister, Michael Stiftel, was given a thorough thrashing by the townspeople.
I certainly hope you enjoy reading these obscure facts. It’s almost as much fun as actually collecting them. More are certain to follow because I barely scratched the surface of books I haven’t thoroughly read yet.
Everyone seems to love animals. Here are a few facts that are interesting, and some that are a bit disgusting. Read on . . .
Squid have the largest eyes of any animal on earth.
Giraffes sleep the least of any mammal.
Many lipsticks contain fish scales.
Sharks, including hammerheads, as well as mackerels have the ability to skip sleep altogether.
Thirty-two pigeons, twenty-eight dogs, three horses, and one cat have received medals for bravery in wartime.
99.9% of all species that have existed on the earth are now extinct.
An ostrich’s eye is larger than its brain.
Hangfish can fill a gallon sized bucket with slime in less than 1 minute.
Catfish have a better sense of taste than humans.
Cat urine glows under a black light.
Dogs generally prefer to eat the protein-rich poop of cats.
Birds do not pee.
Cow’s milk gives most cats a case of diarrhea.
Fish, jellyfish, frogs, and toads have all been known to fall out of the sky.
Some fish can walk.
Who knew that animals could be so bizarre? Maybe next time I’ll come up with a list of oddities from us humans. It’s likely they’ll be even stranger than the ones about animals.
I thought a few limericks were in order today. The first one was created just for my better-half’s sister. The remainder are just for fun.
There once was a lady from BelAir
Who had long and flowing hair.
When she jumped into bed,
she often hit her head,
but never disturbed a single hair.
❤❤❤
A health-care provider from Bloom
Wanted someone to paint her living room.
The price for a painter was high
But she knew how to be sexy and shy,
and hopefully the painting will be done soon.
❤❤❤
There are my two “G” rated limericks. I normally don’t post them, but these are being done for special people. Now I can get on with a few more interesting ones that have a little more “Oomph”.
As you already know, I’m not a fan of celebrity worship nor politicians. Today will be a treat for you because I’m going to supply with helpful advice as voiced by both groups. It’s entirely up to you whether you follow their advice as you will see as you read.
“Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.” Harry S Truman
“You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” Al Capone
“Never trust a man unless you got his pecker in your pocket.” Lyndon Baines Johnson
“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.” Gypsy Rose Lee
“Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.” J. Paul Getty
“Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.” Nelson Algren
“There’s nothing to winning, really. That is, if you happen to be blessed with a keen eye, an agile mind, and no scruples whatsoever.” Alfred Hitchcock
“To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.” Cary Grant
“Don’t let your mouth write a check that your tail can’t cash.” Bo Diddley
“Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at the trial” Sydney Biddle Barrows (the Mayflower Madam).
everyuselessthing.com 