Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
Another day spent dealing with snow. Me and my best friend, my new snow thrower, spent some quality time together this morning trying to keep up with a minor snow storm that dumped another four inches of snow on us. I can’t begin to tell you what a great purchase that snow thrower was for me. I was initially telling everyone that if I bought one it might never snow again. As usual my cynical side got the best of me. It’s only the middle of January and I’ve already used it three times and I’m sure there’s more coming.
My better-half is off today and it’s been "task" day for her and by association also for me. Clean this, dust that, pick up those, and on and on it goes. At least in the summer I can escape from these kind of days by taking my camera and disappearing, with her or without her. This snow just complicates matters making disappearing much more difficult. Thankfully our home is large enough where I can actually disappear for short periods and she can’t seem to find me.
After her frenzy of cleaning we made our obligatory visit to the local Walmart. It’s always a fun place to visit when you just want to get out of the house before you scream out loud. Walmart never disappoints no matter when you visit.
We got to the parking lot and between the piles of snow and the puddles of melting snow it was a real mess. I took maybe ten steps from my car and found my first Walmart surprise of the day, a wadded up pair of what appeared to be well worn panty hose just lying there looking up at me. I normally see something like that and then try to imagine under what circumstances someone either throws away or drops their panty hose in a Walmart parking lot. Did some careless woman open her purse to put her panties back on and drop her panty hose. Maybe it was a couple of Walmart associates taking their mid-day break for a quickie in the car. Maybe it was a couple of extremely horny customers who just had to take a jump in the Walmart lot so they could brag to their friends about it. The possibilities are endless but also quite entertaining.
As I entered the store the greeter as always woke up just long enough to hand me a flyer of some sort and then nodded off again. He was a fine looking specimen who was probably seventy years old but looked a hundred. The place was packed as usual with quite the assortment of customers who always seem to be clogging the specific aisle where I’m shopping. I tried to cut down a side aisle to avoid some of them and nearly tripped over some mid-twenties woman sitting on the floor with all her belongings strewn around her reading a freaking magazine. She gave me that look like I was the person doing something wrong. Being the calm and relaxed person that I am I politely asked in my best Walmart voice "Are you sure you have enough room?" I hate when people attempt to ignore me as she tried to do so I continued with "Could you please more your ass so I can get by?" Again I got “the look” but she finally gathered her possessions and moved along. She left the magazine lying on the floor because God forbid she might have strained something important putting it back in the rack.
I saw her later loitering around in the Dunkin Donuts where she was huddled having a heavy duty conversation with a few of her freaky, pierced, and filthy friends. They were discussing the issues of the day concerning the real differences between having an actual Dunkin Donuts mug versus using the environmentally damaging Styrofoam. I again received "the look" as she whispered to her group to tell them what an asshole I was. I immediately got another look from all of them as a group which made me want to take a bow, but I didn’t.
In the back of my mind I was thinking the whole time that just maybe she was the owner of those wadded up panty hose and finding them was a karmic warning for me. Oh well, another minor annoyance sponsored by my local Walmart.
“Life is Good”, or so said on some A-hole’s T-shirt at the pharmacy. I hate being negative but in groups of more than two most people suck.
A beautiful day in the neighborhood.
With New Years Eve on the horizon a decision has to be made as to how we’ll be celebrating it. The days of drunken carousing have long since passed for us both but those their memories are still nice to have. Each year I scratch my head about what we should do and then we end up procrastinating and doing nothing at all. Over the next few days I’m sure to have a discussion or two with my better-half on what she thinks we should do. I’m already preparing myself for that discussion by gathering information to help my cause.
I’m going to argue as eloquently as I can that dinner, a couple of chick flicks, and a visit from her daughter and grandson isn’t going to get it done this year. I’d like to have a few friends over for drinks, food, games, movies, or whatever. If they drink too much we’ll turn the house into a B & B for the night and I’ll cook breakfast for the survivors in the morning. The chances of getting my way are about 60/40 if I’m lucky.
We have a few days left before the big day so I’ll have to be my sneaky self and start planning my secret mission. Subtle hints about not being alone for New Years. Casual questions about how some of our friends are celebrating the holiday and a few “Oh, that sounds so boring, I feel bad for them”. More subtle questions about how lonely some of our friends will be with their children off celebrating elsewhere. I’ll drop a few coupons around the house from the Party Place filled with money-saving offers for stupid party hats and noise makers. Then I’ll dig into my bag of fireworks hidden on the porch and leave a few laying around where they’ll be noticed. Then I’ll let all of those things start to mix and mingle in her pretty little head and Ta Da . . . . we’ll have a New Years party and it’ll be her idea.
Pretty damn cool if I do say so myself. I’m sure she won’t be able to resist coupons. She’s a grade A shopaholic with a serious need to use every coupon she ever sees. It’s like hooking a big fish and then just reeling it in. I have a hidden stash of coupons for all occasions and places and I’m telling you they’ll accomplish more for me than they’d ever do for her. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!
The campaign begins this afternoon when she arrives home from work. I’ll be sure to report the results.
Today I’ve rejoined the Christmas parade with more tidbits of useless information collected for your entertainment. After reading some of these odd stories and facts you might think your own Christmas traditions are somewhat tame. First, we have a few facts about Christmas from around the world.
According to a 1995 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.
Charles Dickens’ initial choice for Scrooge’s statement "Bah Humbug" was "Bah Christmas."
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.
During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.
During the ancient 12-day Christmas celebration, the log burned was called the "Yule log". Sometimes a piece of the Yule log would be kept to kindle the fire the following winter, to ensure that the good luck carried on from year to year. The Yule log custom was handed down from the Druids.
In Britain, the Holy Days and Fasting Days Act of 1551, which has not yet been repealed, states that every citizen must attend a Christian church service on Christmas Day, and must not use any kind of vehicle to get to the service.
If I didn’t pique your interest with those facts then maybe these little stories will. Unfortunately even on Christmas people can and will do some of the dumbest things you can imagine. Be glad none of these folks are in your family.
Christmas Stupid
Late coming home after a night out, a youngster attempted to climb into his home down the chimney. He did not to want to wake other residents in the Judson Center social services agency; also he had broken his curfew and wanted no trouble.
In best Santa Claus mode he climbed onto the roof and let himself down the chimney; unfortunately he was too large, and he became stuck. The 17 year old began moaning and was heard and rescued. Fire fighters and police officers from the City of Royal Oak, Michigan, USA, had to pull him out. The youth suffered from minor scrapes and bruises.
Christmas Stupid On Steroids
1) This is a true story about John Porter, from New York State, whose pipes in his home froze one winter. Anxious to unfreeze them, Mr Porter backed his car up to an open window so that the exhaust would warm up the house. A little while later and Porter, his wife and their three children had to be rushed to hospital suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning.
2) George Gibbs, from Columbus, Ohio, suffered second-degree burns on his head. This is what happened one freezing cold winter morning. Unable to start his car, George diagnosed the problem as a frozen fuel line which he thought he could correct by running warm gas through it. He then tried to heat a two-gallon can of gas on his gas stove in the kitchen.
I can only assume that George became an immediate french fried A-hole. It’s really no surprise to any of us that stupid never takes a holiday. Now for a short visit to Japan for a lesson in Christmas romance. I hope you never end up as “unsold Christmas cake”.
Christmas Japanese Style
In Japan Christmas is widely celebrated as a day for romance, a day for sweet-hearts much like Valentine’s Day in other countries. Christmas cake is popular but it is a strawberry cream sponge with no traditional ingredients in sight.
The main Christmas dish is a popular fast food, fried chicken, as that is how a traditional Christmas meal is depicted in local advertising. Women of 25 years and older who are single are jokingly referred to as "unsold Christmas cake". Not very friendly think Will and Guy.
Note: Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.
Here’s my Christmas gift to all of you. A little Christmas humor to share with family and friends. These jokes and one-liners are so corny they just might make you smile a little.
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What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
- The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, ‘Did you get my drift?’
- Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.
- What is a webmaster’s favorite hymn? Oh, dot com all ye faithful!
- What do lions sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
- When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it’s adrift.
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How do snowmen get around? On their icicles.
- What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work? Dinner.
- What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? Santaclaustrophobia
NINE MORE SHOPPING DAYS
HO!, HO!, HO!
Our whirlwind weekend is just about over and hopefully we’ll be on the road back to Maine in an hour or so. Luckily I bailed out on the party early so I would be rested for the drive back. I suspect my drive back will be much quieter than the ride down. My better-half will be recuperating from last nite for at least two or three hours.
It was all-in-all a fun weekend and a great way to kick off the rest of the holidays. Now it’s back to Maine and some good old winter weather. It was close to sixty degrees yesterday and that just isn’t right. I need a little frost on my pumpkin in the second week of December.
Back to normal blogging tomorrow once we get this drive out of the way.
As young children our parents made every attempt to make Christmas memorable for my sister and me. When my sister was very young and I was almost six I still firmly believed the tales of Santa and his elves and all that good stuff. But in the back of my young mind I secretly was beginning to have doubts. A lot of what I was being told by the family wasn’t what I was hearing on the street (at school). My friends had almost convinced me that Santa was BS and that my parents were actually the gift givers.
My folks apparently began to suspect I was wavering and that their propaganda was falling on deaf ears. In a conspiracy involving my mother’s sister, Anna Mae, they decided drastic action was needed. I’d been acting out a bit and being a little disrespectful so it was time for Santa to straighten me out.
It was about a week before Christmas and we were visiting at my grandparents home and as usual I was a being a huge pain in the ass like most six year olds. It was just after dark and I was walking through the house to the kitchen. As I passed the window in the hall I glanced over and almost crapped my pants. Santa was standing outside and looking right at me and smiling. I ran upstairs and hid under the bed and refused to come out until the coast was clear. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that Santa was looking for those children who weren’t being good.
I cleaned up my act fast and became their little angel again. I have to admit I was a little shaky after dark and afraid to look out the windows for quite a while. Santa the terrorist had accomplished his mission. I saw him on two or three other occasions during the next two years, once at our home, and again in the cellar of my grandparents house but unfortunately I was already a confirmed non-believer. I went along with the charade for my sister’s sake and to avoid a smack on the ass if I told her the truth. By then I knew my parents were the ones I needed to suck up to and I did it in grand fashion.
Many years later while I was digging through a trunk in my aunts bedroom I discovered where Santa had been hiding. His retirement consisted of being hidden under a pile of sheets and pillow cases in that old trunk. My aunt laughed like crazy when I confronted her and we both enjoyed the moment very much.
What I never told her or my parents was the lingering collateral damage from their actions. To this day during the Christmas season I’m careful in dark rooms and try never to look out the windows. In the mall or in stores where Santa is holding court, I stay the hell away. That guy still scares the bejesus out of me.
We’re getting down to the wire with all of the preparations for our trip. Now that we’re ready to go I just want to get going. I’ve always been a huge pain in the butt as so many family members have told me because I tend get a bit impatient and it makes me make them crazy.
I’m wrapping the last of the gifts for my family members because I’d like to get them into the mail as soon as I can. I don’t like waiting too long because my faith in the US Postal Service isn’t what it once was.
There’s one thing that I do every year which makes a great gift for a few lucky family members. I started doing it three years ago and it might be something you’d like to try. I’ve been ordering customized postage stamps through stamps.com. You upload a photograph which they then print as stamps. It’s pretty cool, really easy to do, and everyone seems to love them. I’m not doing a promo or anything for them but I think it might be worth a quick look.
Today was a first for me. I went shopping for baby clothes. OMG who knew there were so many choices. It was only recently I discovered what a onesy is. Who knew? It also appears that infants grow faster than the clothes you initially bought for them. My better-half purchased a few outfits just after the grandson was born and he’s already out grown them and they’ve never been worn. His parents have been hinting about having another child within a year or two which makes regifting a real possibility. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope they have another son and that the outfits we purchased haven’t gone out of style.
I just was thinking how much fun playing with, talking about, and buying clothes for babies can be when they’re not yours. There’s a lot to be said for being a step-grandparent and being able to send them home with their parents after each visit. I suspect that will change in the near future when we become the get-away spot for him when he gets pissed at his parents or vice versa. Can’t wait. My grand mother was that person for me when I was growing up so I can appreciate every little kid having a place to go for some hugs and kisses and no scolding.
I seem to be stuck in an after Thanksgiving holiday slow-motion this morning. As previously predicted I spent most of yesterday decorating the tree and being a somewhat silent helper to my better-half’s decorating efforts. Drink some wine, nob my head yes, drink some more wine, and nod my head yes again. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it. Most of my opinions are those head nods but I’ll stand up and be heard if she does sometime totally tasteless. Of course that never ever happens, honest. I have the blah’s today but this seems to occur every year around this time. I’ll eventually get a little excited about the holidays, but not too much. Christmas ceased being my favorite holiday the first year I got mostly clothes for gifts. It hasn’t felt the same since.
Growing up my folks weren’t well off and money was always an issue but regardless the gifts for us kids were always cool. My first double holstered cap pistols, my first grown up bicycle, and my first chemistry set. One year my Mom painted my bedroom walls with planets and rocket ships because she knew way back then I was destined to be a science-fiction nerd. Just so you know, she was right, I still am. A few years later I got an honest to God set of paints and brushes and made my first Christmas cards. They were highly praised by all of my overly kind and biased relatives. Just so you know, hundreds of paintings, sculptures, collages, and sketches later, I’m still a happily and struggling artist.
It feels awfully good to reminisce and it helps put things back into their proper perspective as Christmas approaches. I’d like to chat further but I just heard a very loud crash from outside. It appears some NASCAR wannabe hit a sheet of ice on the road and is now sitting quietly in his car sitting in the woods across the road from my house. He appears uninjured but I’d better check. HO! HO! HO!
Christmas is really a holiday meant for the youngest of us. I get my biggest thrill out of watching the little children at this time of the year showing their genuine excitement and wonder. Those feelings only last for a few short years before they begin to wan so we should really enjoy the holiday vicariously through our kids to get that true Christmas spirit back once again. I still remember how upset I got when as a youngster I discovered there was no Santa Clause or Tooth Fairy. It’s our job as parents to keep the dream alive for them as long as possible. To help get us in the spirit I offer these “Dear Santa” letters that never seem to get old. Some are new and some are old but they’re all are cute as hell.
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Dear Santa, It’s not necessary to get me a toy, but if you do I would like a surprise (again). I’ve been some what bad so I understand if you don’t get me anything. I love what you got me last year. Thank you!
Dear Santa, Will you put a pickle ornament on my tree? How are your elves? I would like Cars 2 characters, the Cars 2 movie, the Super Mario 3D Land and Mario Kart 7 games, the 3DS, 10 notebooks, 30 random airplanes and that’s it. Have a nice Christmas. Your friend, Matthew
Dear Santa, I would like a chainsaw. Love, Keenan
I hope I am on the good list. I hope the reindeer get enough food. Please thank the elves because they have been working hard. I hope you like my cookies. For Christmas I would like an iPad. I would like an iPhone too. Have a safe trip. From, Allison
Dear Santa, I want surprise presents. I want my cousin Berta to have a puppy and my dog to have a squeezie toy and a coat to keep my dog warm. I really want my little cousin Natalia to be nice and happy and get presents. I want a PSP game and a game for the PSP.I would like a DS. I also would like this Christmas to be awesome for the whole town. Sincerely Danna
Dear Santa, For Christmas I would like everything in the whole entire world, even girl stuff. Love, Tom
Dear Santa, I take great care of the toys you got me. All I would like for Christmas is for it to snow and for it to be a happy Christmas. It’s ok if I get toys. I do want them, but I want a happy Christmas more. I saw Rudolph last year. What is your favorite kind of cookies? We’ll make sure you bring a happy Christmas. Sincerely Camrynn
Dear Santa, Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny
Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car? Ricky
Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie
Dear Santa, Can you make it snow a night? How are the reindeer? Hmmm… I would like a remote control airplane. I would like the movie Rio! I would like an iPhone maybe. I would like to make people happy at Christmas. Could I have surprise gifts? Merry Christmas Santa. Sincerely Katerina
Dear Santa, I think I’ve been really good this year. I hope you like our chimney. It is very wide. I hope you have a Merry Christmas! I hope you like the cookies. Santa, the main thing on my Christmas list is Kanani the American Girl doll. I hope you like my letter. I love you Santa. From, Natalie
Dear Santa, I want you to surprise me. My mom said when she was little she got surprised by you. So I am trying it this year. I can’t wait till you come. How hard do you work in your workshop? I hope you have a great Christmas. I am going to have a great Christmas. Sincerely Abigail
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Things can’t get much cuter than this. I hope you and yours enjoy the holidays and prosper in the New Year.
HO! HO! HO!
Hello from the newly christened Christmas elf. I mentioned yesterday that I was thinking about setting up the Christmas tree as a surprise for my better-half. She wasn’t only surprised but stunned. As I predicted things began to happen as we talked all nite about getting into the attic tomorrow and unloading a few dozen boxes of decorations. Guess what we’re doing today. That’s right, putting them up. I’ll be needing a lot of D&D coffee for sure and quite possible a toddy or two later this evening. Christmas is fun but after a straight eight hours of it I get quite the headache.
Now that I’ve been made an official elf I plan on spreading more Christmas cheer among my readers by supplying them with information that is rarely publically admitted. I’m all for giving and donating doing the holidays and I’m a huge supporter of any organization that makes an effort to help the less fortunate. I’m also realistic enough to be somewhat skeptical as to where my donations go and whose reaping the benefits from them. The following list might help you decide what organizations will get your donated dollars in the future. As you open your pocketbooks for the next natural disaster, or the Christmas season, please keep these facts in mind:
The American Red Cross President and CEO Marsha J. Evans’ salary for the 2011 was $951,957 plus expenses.
The United Way President Brian Gallagher receives a $675,000 base salary along with numerous expense benefits.
UNICEF CEO Caryl M. Stern receives $1,900,000 per year (158K) per month, plus all expenses including a ROLLS ROYCE.
That list of money-grubbing bureaucrat salaries should shock you a little. Now for the list that really matters.
The Salvation Army’s Commissioner Todd Bassett receives a salary of only $13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization.
The American Legion National Commander receives a $0.00 salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Veterans of Foreign Wars National Commander receives a $0.00 salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Disabled American Veterans National Commander receives a $0.00 salary.
The Military Order of Purple Hearts National Commander receives a $0.00 salary.
The Vietnam Veterans Association National Commander receives a $0.00 salary.
I know that you work as hard for you money as I do and you really care enough to help when you can. Bear this information in mind when your donating. It’s much more important for donated funds to actually help less fortunate people than to pay bloated salaries to a bunch of bureaucrats.
The day after any holiday can sometimes be better than the holiday itself. I feel bad for my better-half who was up and on her way at 3:30 am to her retail nightmare. Black Friday in my opinion has always been the worst day of the year. I spent way too many years working on Black Friday and dealing with complete and total idiots in extremely large numbers. She actually asked if I would make a coffee run in late morning and visit her at the store. I love ya honey but no effing way. Twenty-five years of retail adventures on this day convinced me to be a selfish ass and refuse her request.
My better-half is a shopping freak and she can’t wait to get off work to go shopping. She is the ultimate glutton for punishment. Then I’ll be forced to listen for an hour after she gets home tonight to “OMG I’m so tired”, OMG My feet hurt”, OMG People are idiots”, and on and on and on. She spent a portion of Thanksgiving Day sitting on the living room floor with her daughter going through newspaper coupons and discussing their shopping strategy. General Eisenhower spent less time preparing for D-Day.
Unfortunately the daughter’s husband of one year is about to lose his “shopping cherry”. Being officially married for one year yesterday made him the prime candidate to hit the shopping trail with the wife and new baby. Isn’t true love a bitch sometimes. I didn’t harass him much about it yesterday because we should all attempt to be nice on Thanksgiving but I could see from the look on his face he just wasn’t looking forward to any of it. Who wouldn’t prefer a football game to having to rub elbows with the “great unwashed”.
Enough of my pessimism. I’m relaxing in my man cave, watching a Steven Seagal movie, and blogging my life away. I have a good cup of coffee and a huge turkey sandwich to carry me through until dinner. The cat’s sleeping in his chair next to me and he’s happy as hell too. I can relax until sometime this evening when the shopping storm troopers arrive. I might even sneak in a power nap to prepare for their arrival.
Life can be good if you let it.
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