“Far more precious to me than my treasure.”
JB loudly announced, “Is my leisure;
I am happy to screw
The retirement home’s crew –
“They are slow, but that lengthens the pleasure!”
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
11/12/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** 2 comments
11/11/2021 ⚡Stupid Newspaper Headline⚡ Leave a comment
“Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over”
11/11/2021 Isn’t It Romantic? Leave a comment
(Sarcasm On)
I’m sitting here in my man-cave reading a novel that is quite romantic. I’m not a usual reader of romance novels but there’s a reason I’m reading this one. For the last nine days in a row my better-half has requested my presence to watch Rom-Coms after dinner. I have to admit that I enjoy some of them but the great majority are kind of trashy and stupid. She insists that these movies are the epitome of romance, I couldn’t disagree more. Over the years I’ve been called many things, some good and some not so good by a variety of ladies. I can honestly say I have never been called romantic and again I disagree with them as well. In my opinion women should not be the final word on whether a man is romantic or not. On one or two occasions I’ve actually had women call me out in front of others for being unromantic, and for the last time I again absolutely disagree.
I recall an old movie that I thoroughly enjoyed watching starring Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah called Roxanne. It was a mushy silly takeoff on some Shakespearean story and at one point in the story Steve Martin serenaded Daryl Hannah at her bedroom window. If that’s a requirement for being identified as romantic, forget about it. I may be a lot of things but a singer I’m not. If I attempted to serenade a woman two things would immediately occur. First, she would cover her ears and slam the window shut. Secondly, the police would arrest me for “disturbing the peace” and “being a public nuisance”. So scratch serenading off my list of romantic things I could do.
I love reading but reading Shakespeare and stuffy poetry aloud to a woman I’ve just become interested in isn’t going to happen either. I’m more likely to recite some of my own poetry which is usually funny and a little off-color. You know what I mean, “There once was a man from Nantucket . . .”. Strike two for me. Maybe my critics were right after all. Allow me to continue my thought processes before you make your final decision.
I’ve been known to create a CD or two filled with romantic Lionel Richie love songs which I must say works like a charm. I’ve also been known to send flowers on occasion but unfortunately only to my mother on Mother’s Day.
Quite a few times in the past I’ve given IOU’s to various women for foot rubs. I’ve been complimented numerous times about my delicate and sensitive touch but I’ve never fully explained to most of them about my harmless but fun foot fetish. That’s my little secret.
Body massages are always a great approach for intimacy with many wonderful advantages available if done properly. Just so you know, I can massage with the best of them. So give me some points for that.
Taking a woman to dinner can be a pleasurable experience as well. It’s also a pretty good way to guilt them into sex. Spend $20 for the meal and you’ll likely get a long leisurely French kiss at the door. Spend $50 and you get an invitation to come in and play “slap and tickle” on the couch for a while. Spend over $100 for the meal and purchase an expensive bottle of wine and you’ll be swept into the “Promised Land” on the ‘Wings of Angels”. Been there and done that too.
Take them to a movie after that good meal and make sure it’s a tear-jerking “chick flick” and your golden. Dropping a few tears during the love scenes is perfect. Pretend to wipe the tears from your cheek so she can’t see you doing it, but make sure she does. A good meal, a bottle of good wine, a mushy movie, and a tear or two, and she’s yours for the asking. Now, if that’s not romance I don’t know what is.
So what have we learned about me. I like good food and good wine – Check! I like movies – Check! I like to spend time with women – Check! I write off-color and funny poetry – Check! I like massaging the naked bodies and feet of women – Check! I can drop a tear or two if necessary – Check! I like sex – Check! I can sleep over or go home immediately after sex – Your choice!
HOW MUCH MORE ROMANTIC CAN I GET?
(Sarcasm Off)
11/10/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
In the street, a big lady from Fareham,
Would take out her tits to compare’em;
She explained: As I’m blessed
With great mounds on my chest,
it’s a bit of a shame not to share’em.
⚡Stupid Newspaper Headline⚡ Leave a comment
“Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide”
11/09/2021 Needed, Insurance Claim Translators Leave a comment
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away I was required to work eight hours a day, 40 hours a week, with insurance companies. Truthfully it wasn’t much fun and after talking to literally hundreds of insurance company employees, they agreed. I was forced to read hundreds of accident reports and then pass them on to the insurance carriers. Some information contained in those reports was incredible to say the least. The following list of quotations is taken from actual submitted insurance claims concerning automobile accidents. You can read them, take your time, and try to figure out exactly what they mean. Here we go . . .
- “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.”
- “Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.”
- “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
- “I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
- “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”
- “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
- “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
- “As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
- “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.”
- “I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
- “The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”
- “I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
- “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
- “The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
- “I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.”
I give thanks everyday that I know longer have to deal with this nonsense. The only thing worse than dealing with insurance companies is dealing with their customers.
BEWARE! THEIR EVERYWHERE
11/08/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
A woman who lived in St. Paul,
Had breasts undeniably small;
Her husband growled: “Dear,
Why not burn your brassiere?
It’s fulfilling no function at all!”
11/07/2021. What’s Are Your Answers? Leave a comment
As I’ve stated so many times in the past, “an unexamined life isn’t worth living”. With that in mind I’m offerring up these twenty questions. There are no right or wrong answers and no scoring of any kind. This isn’t a test but a chance to help you examine yourself. I’m going to answer them as truthfully as I can. I hope you’ll take a few minutes by yourself or with your partner or spouse and answer them together. It should prompt some interesting discussions. Enjoy . . .
1. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
A. The ability to speak every language in the world.
2. If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
A. I’d take my better-half, my cat, and a couple of cases of good wine and spend the week camping in the mountains.
3. Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it’s somehow guaranteed immunity from all major diseases?
A. No way in hell.
4. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important to you to have people mourn your death?
A. Cremate me, throw my ashes in the ocean, and move on with your lives. No special anything.
5. If you could take a 1-month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
A. I’d fly to Easter Island to take photographs and meet the people.
6. If your friends and acquaintances we’re willing to bluntly and honestly tell you what they really thought of you, would you want them to?
A. Yes and I would do the same for them if requested.
7. You believe in any sort of God? If not, you think you might still pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?
A. I’ve been in life threatening situations and there was no praying of any kind going on. If there is a God (which I doubt) he didn’t seem the least bit interested.
8. Assuming that complete recovery were instantaneous, would you be willing to accept a year of complete paralysis below the neck to prevent the otherwise certain extinction of the blue whale?
A. No way, there’s an easier solution. Kill all the damn whale hunters.
9. Would you like to know the precise date of your death?
A. No way, I just love surprises.
10. Someone you loved deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer, who unfortunately is acquitted of the crime. Would you seek revenge?
A. Yes and it would be done intelligently and be undetectable.
11. If there were a public execution on television, would you watch it?
A. No, look how well that sort of thing worked out for the Romans.
12. How many times during the day do you look at yourself in a mirror?
A. As few times as possible. I no longer impress myself much.
13. Would you prefer to be blind or deaf?
A. Deaf, it would be a blessing not to listen to the constant drumbeat of noise from the rest of the planet.
14. How old were you when you first had sexual intercourse?
A. Age 13 and it was wonderful.
15. You are given $1,000,000 to donate anonymously to charity or to a stranger. How would you dispose of it?
A. $750,000 to the Wounded Warrior Project and the remainder to the ASPCA’s no-kill shelters.
16. How much do you like your body? You awoke alone on a warm morning and we’re going to laze about the house, how long would you wait to get dressed? What do you wear when you sleep?
A. I probably wouldn’t get dressed until at least 11 a.m. I always sleep in the nude whenever possible and will till the day I die.
17. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000?
A. Hell no that’s disgusting but I might reconsider for $50,000.
18. Can you urinate in front of another person?
A. Many times and in many places.
19. Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse and kill a cow?
A. I’m a meat eater not a meat killer. We have specialists to handle that.
20. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
A. Absolutely not.
Those were my honest answers and it wasn’t as bad an experience as I thought it might be. The straight-up truth is always easier than trying to prevaricate or exaggerate.
GIVE IT A TRY
11/06/2021 Andy Rooney Remembered Leave a comment
It’s been ten years this month that Andy Rooney passed away. I’ve been thinking for a few days on exactly how I wanted to memorialize him. A standard review of his resume doesn’t do him justice. I wanted to thank him more than anything for the interesting insights he gave me while sitting and enjoying his essays.
I was never a big fan of 60 Minutes from the start because I felt at times they were dishonest and biased despite what they claimed. I can count on one hand how many of their shows I actually watched in their entirety. That being said, I tried never to miss an Andy Rooney segment if at all possible. He brought to the table many years of experience which helped make him special. His downright honesty was the first thing I noticed and appreciated. He spoke of things as he saw them and didn’t tolerate biases and prejudices and all the other crap the majority of journalists do. I’ve always felt that he, like Jerry Seinfeld, had that special view of things along with an excellent means of communicating them to millions of people with humor and honesty.
If the three of us were in a room together that was full of stacks of old books here’s what would happen. Seinfeld would write a 30 minute long TV episode about how people stacked books. I would attempt to explain how certain book stackers irritated me. Andy would take certain information from some of those books and weave a five-minute story that would make you laugh and capture your imagination at the same time. He had a knack!
I’ve missed him a lot over the years but I’ll never forget the pleasurable moments he gave me every Sunday night. Shalom and Aloha Andy and thanks again.
RIP
11/06/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,
Who thought she was shrewd, I was shrewder;
She considered it crude
To be wooed in the nude –
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.
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