Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Strange but true stories have always fascinated me. Some people call them coincidences and others call them serendipitous or synchronicity, but who really knows for sure. I certainly don’t. I’ve had a few weird things happen to me over the years which gave me pause since I’m really not a believer of things supernatural or coincidental. So, I thought I’d share three such stories that I stumbled upon a few years ago in a book entitled The Book of the Bizarre and I hope you enjoy them.
- According to the Detroit Free Press, in February of 2007, in the Paw Paw Township of Michigan, two brothers were killed in a head-on collision with each other. The brothers, ages 24 and 33, shared a home. The elder brother lost control of his vehicle and crossed into the path of his brother’s oncoming car. They were both pronounced dead at the scene.
” Coincidence is Gods Way of Remaining Anonymous.” Albert Einstein
This second story also concerns a double fatality, but one taken to a whole new level.
- In Germany in the late 1970’s, a story hit all the newspapers, television and radio stations – a story that contained one of the most tragic examples of synchronicity to date. A man was walking along a country road at night when a car struck him from behind and killed him. One year from the day he died, the man’s twin brother went for a walk at that same spot, in memory of his departed brother. As it turned out, the driver of the car that hit and killed the first man also had a twin brother. That twin brother decided to drive along that same road, in memory of his own departed brother. He hit and killed the second twin brother, re-creating a scene that has shocked everyone who has heard the story.
” In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents.
Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.” William S. Burroughs
- A man attempting to rob a convenience store in Cherry Hill, North Carolina, thwarted his own plans when he dropped the pistol he was brandishing. It hit the ground, went off, and the bullet stuck the robber in the foot.
Divine Justice or Coincidence?
As anyone who reads this blog knows I love limericks. I love the mild ones written by kids and for kids, the medium ones for many of the limerick loving adults who shy away from many of the naughtier limericks, and occasionally I get in the mood to post something a little raunchier. My favorite limerick writer has always been Isaac Azimov but one of his close friends deserved an honorable mention today. That friend was John Ciardi who for 16 years was the poetry editor for the Saturday Review and his translation of The Divine Comedy is still considered a classic. Sadly, he passed away in 1986 but his works and love of limericks lives on. Enjoy.
There once was a girl who intended
To keep herself morally splendid
And ascend unto glory,
Which is not a bad story
Except that that’s not how it ended.
🤣🤣🤣
There was a promoter named Hugh,
Who promoted a dance called The Screw.
Disco by disco
From New York to Frisco
He made it the in-thing to do.
😎😎😎
There was a young lady named Mame,
Whose parents believed it a shame
To reject all the beaus
Who came round to propose.
But she didn’t. That’s not why they came.
😏😏😏
My professor of sex claimed he knew
A hundred and one things to do.
My girlfriend ain’t much
At book learning, as such,
But she knows at least a hundred and two.
💩💩💩
To those of you who were alive in the 1960’s, you know what a strange time it was not only for the country but for each of us individually. Free love, drugs, rock & roll, and anti-war fever made for interesting relationships and all the craziness you could possibly handle. I have to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. With that in mind I’m offering up a few limericks from the early sixties that you might find interesting. Put on your bell-bottoms and roll up a “J” and enjoy.
😎😎😎
A gorgeous voluptuous creature
Seduced a young Methodist preacher.
It worked out quite well,
For under his spell
This gal’s now a Sunday school teacher.
😤😤😤
There was an old lecher named Gus
Who wore a horrible truss.
It would pinch, sweat and itch,
When the son of a bitch
Got too close to young girls on the bus.
🥴🥴🥴
To Sadie the touch of a male meant
A rather emotional cardiac ailment.
And acute shortness of breath
Caused her untimely death
In the course of erotic impalement.
🤤🤤🤤
PASS THE BONG
I thought I’d start the weekend off with a little humor. Seeing as how there are only 106 shopping days until Christmas, you should start smiling as soon as possible in preparation.
😅😅😅
A farm girl brought a bull to a pasture in order that it might service the cow there. The farm boy in charge of the cow joined her and they watched the process. After a while, the farm boy turned to the farm girl and said, “That just makes me itch to do the same thing. How about it?” And the farm girl said indifferently, “Go ahead. It’s your cow.”
The nuclear war had come and gone. Earth lay devastated and nearly lifeless. In a puddle of water were two tiny bacteria. One said the other, “All over again – but this time, no brains.”
I once saw a cartoon which that showed two people staring at each other. One was a little man in a loin cloth, looking like Mahatma Gandhi. The other was a stalwart man with a full feathered headdress looking like Sitting Bull. Both are speaking simultaneously, and the caption reads: “Funny but you don’t look Indian.”
🤣🤣🤣
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
😆😆😆
“Well,” said Mrs. Jones to her young daughter, “and what did you learn in Sunday School today?” “We learned,” said little Nancy, “about Moses.” “Ah,” said her mother, “and what did you learn about Moses?” Nancy said, “Well he was a general leading an army on a retreat from Egypt. The Egyptians, in hot pursuit, had the weight of tanks on their side, and Moses, taking casualties, was forced back upon the Red Sea, where he faced annihilation. Calling for air support, however, he proceeded to throw a pontoon bridge hastily across —” By this time Mr. Jones had finally managed to catch her breath and said, “Nancy! Surely that is not what they taught you about Moses.” “Well not exactly,” said Nancy, “but if I told it to you the way the teacher told it to me, you’d never believe it.”
😉😉😉
THANKS AGAIN ISAAC
Here’s a collection of really stupid headlines I rediscovered recently in my files. It still amazes me how much stuff I forgot I was saving for a rainy day. The more I dig around the more I seem to find. You can thank all of our many educated and skilled editors for their fine jobs in editing these gems.
Amphibious Pitcher Makes Debut
Forecasters Call for Weather on Monday
War Dims Hope for Peace
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off After Age 25
“Lady Jacks” Off to Hot Start in Their Conference
Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison
City Unsure Why Sewers Smell
17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
Safety Meeting Ends in Accident
Best Man Left Bleeding After Being Hit by Flying Dildo
Dead Man Found in Graveyard
Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife at Gun Store
Fish Need Water, Feds Say
AS I ALWAYS SAY, “YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP”
Since everyone should be well rested after their Labor Day festivities, I thought I’d reintroduce a Sex Quiz from an unusual joke book published in 1984. It’s a bit difficult but I’m sure all of you will be able to deduce the correct answers (True or False). It’s funny and ridiculous but then so were the 1980’s. Here we go . . . .
🍩🍆🍩
- A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
- A fallopian tube is a part inside a television.
- A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
- Fellatio is an Italian dagger.
- Anus is a Latin word denoting a long period of time.
- Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages.
- A condom is an apartment complex.
- Masturbate is something used to catch large fish.
- A wet dream is dangerous if you sleep under an electric blanket.
- A vulva is a Swedish automobile.
- A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
- A clitoris is a type of flower.
- KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas, Texas.
- Testicles can be found on an octopus.
- A rectum is what you are for doing this test. LOL
For those of you who were stumped by the quiz I’ll add a short joke to make you feel better about yourself. If you don’t understand the joke, call a friend.
John was a seventy-seven-year-old man and decided it was time for one last final fling. So, he went out and hired himself a buxom and luscious prostitute for a last night of pleasure. It was a spectacular and pleasurable night, and he slept like a log upon returning home. Three weeks later he felt a growing pressure and pain in his groin and immediately rushed back to the doctor’s office, insisting on an immediate consultation. The doctor examined him thoroughly, then asked a rather personal question. “Have you been with a woman anytime recently?” John smiled proudly and confessed the truth. “Well, said the doctor, you’d better go find her right away, ’cause you’re about to come!”
HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR WEEKEND
Being a lover of baseball, I enjoy every facet of the game. That includes some of the craziest and outrageous quotes when these superstars and broadcasters step up to the microphone. Yogi Berra was made famous by his confusing and hilarious quips, but he isn’t alone. Here are a few quotes that will make you smile a little and hopefully laugh out loud a lot.
“Well, I see in the game in Minnesota thar Terry Felton has relieved himself on the mound in the second inning.” Fred White, sportscaster for the Kansas City Royals
Folks, this is perfect weather for today’s game. Not a breath of fresh air. Curt Gowdy, sportscaster
All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion. Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher
If Jesus were on the field, he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be high fiving the other guys. Tim Burke, Montral Expo pitcher
I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast. Lefty Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher
I prefer fast food. Rocky Bridges, infielder, when asked why he wouldn’t eat snails
Always root for the winner. That way you won’t be disappointed. Tug McGraw
Raise the urinals. Darrel Chaney, Braves infielder, on how to keep the team on it’s toes
I lost it in the sun. Billy Loes, Brooklyn pitcher, after fumbling a grounder
Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean. Pedro Guerrero, NL infielder and outfielder
⚾⚾⚾
I NEVER SAID MOST OF THE THINGS I SAID
(Yogi Berra)
There seem to be a few of you out there who continue to request a selection of down&dirty limericks. I’m feeling a little down&dirty myself today, so I’ll bow to the pressure and offer up a few.
😅😅😅
There was a young lady named Eva
Who filled up her bath to receive her.
She took off her clothes,
From her head to her toes,
And a voice through the keyhole yelled, “Beaver!”
😂😂😂
There was a young harlot at Yale,
With her Price List tattooed on her tail.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had it emblazoned in Braille.
🤣🤣🤣
A cheerful young golfer, named Jock,
Gave his ball a three-hundred-yard sock.
It doesn’t sound far
For a chap that shoots par,
But twas done with the end of his cock.
😁😁😁
A mathematician named Eddie Hall,
Has a hexahedronal ball.
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number – so give him a call!
💥💥💥
ISN’T POETRY FUN?
A few weeks ago, I posted information from a book gifted to me by my better-half called The Little Book of Whisky. I developed a taste for Scotch more than 40 years ago during my years as a police officer. I was then introduced to bourbon whiskey many years later and absolutely loved it. Thank heavens I have a large number of whisky drinking readers and in response to their emails, I decided to list a few more items of trivia about whiskey. Read on and do so preferably with a drink in your hand.
*****
Whisky or whiskey is a type of liquor made from fermented grain mash. Various grains (which may be malted) are used for different varieties, including barley, corn, rye, and wheat. Whisky is typically aged in wooden casks, which are typically made of charred white oak. Uncharred white oak casks previously used for the aging of port, rum or sherry are also sometimes used.
The Whisky Playlist (1-5)
Whisky Bent and Hell Bound – Hank Williams Jr.
Poison Whisky – Lynyrd Skynyrd
Whisky River – Willie Nelson
Whisky and Wimmen – John Lee Hooke & Canned Heat
It Was the Whisky Talkin – Jerry Lee Lewis
Whiskey Wisdom #1
Inventor, scientist and engineer Nikola Tesla, best known for designing the alternating current (AC) electric system, and the Tesla Coil, drank whiskey every day. He believed it would help him live to be 150 years old. He died at the age of 86.
Whisky Health Notice #1
A study published in 2010 by the United States National Institute of Health Recommended that adults who consume 1-6 portions a week of whiskey were 50% less likely to suffer dementia as nondrinkers and heavy drinkers.
“A Whiskey a Day Keeps the Doctor Away”
Famous Whiskey Quotes
“Never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of whiskey.” Ernest Hemingway
“When life hands you lemons, make Whiskey Sours.” WC Fields
“The true pioneer of civilization is not a newspaper, not religion, not a railroad but whiskey!” Mark Twain
“My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey.” Igor Stravinsky
“NUFF SAID“
Since we’re well into the middle of August already, I feel like I’m on another planet. These changes in the weather patterns are just too weird to try and explain. I’ve lived in Maine almost 24 years and I’ve never seen or experienced summer weather that would require using an electric blanket in July. It’s hard at times to celebrate a summer that we haven’t had yet but I’m sure next year will be just as effing great. With that depressing thought in mind, I feel the need to inject a little humor back into our lives. You’re welcome to come along for the ride if you like.
😁😅😂🤣
There was a man who had insomnia so bad he couldn’t even fall asleep when it was time to wake up.
It was an enormous funeral that was winding its way through the streets of the town, and, in every way, no signs of sorrow had been seen. A bystander, who had been away from the neighborhood for a while, nudged a neighbor. “Who died?” he whispered. “Big Angelo’s girlfriend, said the other.” Big Angelo’s girlfriend? But she was so young! What did she die of?” “Gonorrhea!” “Gonorrhea! But that’s impossible. No one dies of gonorrhea.” “You do when you give it to Big Angelo.”
I sat next to the Duchess at Tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
A man and a woman met on the beach, they fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when the woman awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing. She asked, “Where are you going?” “Darling, we married so quickly I didn’t have a chance to tell you I’m addicted to golf. I’m afraid you’ll rarely see me. She nodded and said, “That’s all right, we married so quickly I forgot to tell you I’m a hooker.” The man smiled and said, “That’s nothing darling. Don’t worry about that because it’s easily corrected. You just need to hold the club like this . . . . “
Chemists are known for synthesizing some marvelous chemicals. There is the story that one synthesized an aphrodisiac for men that was so powerful it had to be swallowed very quickly to avoid getting a stiff neck.
And last but not least a short but interesting story about a visitor to the home of Pablo Picasso. The visitor remarked there were no Picasso’s on the walls. “Don’t you like Picasso paintings?” asked the visitor roguishly.” “Of course, I do,” said Picasso. “I just can’t afford them.”
WHY AREN’T YOU SMILING???
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