Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category
We’re three days into the new year which naturally demands a fresh batch of cute and bawdy limericks. These might be considered unacceptable for the younger children so DON’T LET THEM READ THEM. I’d rate them as “PG”, so consider yourself warned. Here we go . . .
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There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
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I lost my arm in the army,
I lost my leg in the navy,
I lost my balls
Over Niagra Falls,
And I lost my cock in a lady.
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A lady both athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her bedrooms transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you’d probably think –
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
💥💥✝️💥💥
And here’s a fav from a long-term recovering Catholic.
❤️❤️❤️
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
❤️❤️❤️
HAPPY NEW YEAR
I’ve noticed in recent years that many people are questioning the value of a college education. I agree with that but not entirely. If you’re majoring in a useful subject that will help improve your life and that of society – DO IT! If your majoring in some lame-ass course that teaches you to spot acne forming on the asses of transgendered people – JUST STAY HOME. I’m a college grad who majored in Design and Commercial Art and I’ve never held any job even remotely related to it. Todays blog entry is proof that college degrees and college education are only as good as the student permits them to be. These items are called “malaprops” (meaning “inappropriate”) misstatements taken from actual high school and college exam papers. Sadly, they’re all true. Read on …..
- Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
- Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
- Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
- Good punctuation means not to be late.
- Adam and Eve wore nothing but figments.
- Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
- The first book of the Bible is the book of Guinesses.
And last but not least My Fav.
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, a proverb is a pronoun used in place of a verb.
❤️❤️❤️
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL TRADE SCHOOLS
I realize that it may be a little too early to be posting on this subject but what the hell. Every year I tease myself by listing a number of resolutions for the new year. My success rate leaves much to be desired but occasionally I actually DO complete a few. I’m posting early because my rate of success this year has been dismal. I’d blame some of it on my better-half who just completed her first year of retirement. To say she’s been a huge distraction is an understatement – goodbye to my wonderful days of PEACE & QUIET. Here’s my list for 2025 and all my lame excuses.
Read at least 100 books by years end (more if possible). If I finish reading my current book by years-end I will have read only 88 books. FAILED
Complete at least four illustrations for use as gifts for next Christmas. COMPLETED
Complete one sculpture using a technique I haven’t used before. FAILED – Due to my total lack of interest and laziness. Maybe this coming year I can get it done.
Show more patience to my better-half’s retirement adjustments. COMPLETED – I’ve shown more patience than ever before but I have a long way to go to satisfy her.
Attempt to write some serious poetry that’s worth reading. FAILED – Completed a few poems and a couple of limericks but I wasn’t happy with the less than adequate results.
Continued monitoring of the grandsons for new and exciting cuss words. COMPLETED – This may have been the easiest one to complete. It’s official, and thanks to day care, school, and some family adults the “F-Bomb” has been released. I’m so proud!!
Continue to ignore all of the weird and bizarre health tips from the Internet. COMPLETED – Thanks to all you internet experts and your misguided and incorrect medical BS.
My final tally was disappointing – 4 of 7 completed. I still have a few weeks to give a great deal of thought for my resolutions for 2026. It’s good to set goals even if you’re reasonably certain they won’t all be met.
🎊🎊🎊
BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR
I’ve always been a huge fan of westerns especially those starring John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. The western genre has also been exported to the entire planet making it possible to see many fans wearing boots and cowboy hats even in Japan. We’re in the final days leading up to the holiday and what better way to relax from all of the Christmas insanity, than to take a short mental trip to the Old West by way of limericks. These should be considered “PG”. Enjoy . . . Partner!
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While awaiting the Sioux to disband,
Colonel Custer took matters in hand.
Despite his dejection
He achieved an erection.
That was almost Custer’s Last Stand.
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A virgin who came from Durango
Always diddled herself with a mango.
“It’s delightful,” she said,
“To lie on the bed,
And put it where I won’t let a man go.”
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The explorers Lewis and Clark
Found their expedition something of a lark,
For Sacagawea,
Let both of them lay’er
That discovery they kept in the dark.
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The caldrons of Yellowstone Park
Are no place to have sex in the dark.
A young ranger tried –
Now his balls look deep-fried
And his prick like a stick sans its bark.
❤️❤️❤️
ONLY TWO SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I guess I’m feeling a slight tingle of Christmas spirit this week. Being filled with the spirit tends to make me feel a little lazy. So, after my third, forth, and fifth rum soaked eggnogs I decided to dive into some of my older archives for a few Christmas inspired limericks. Here goes nothing . . .
🎅
Santa came home with a reindeer
And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer
‘Did you have to bring
That horny old thing?’
Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’
🧑🎄🧑🎄
An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,
We’ve not enough presents this year”
That made St. Nick think:
Now he’d given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
🎁🎁🎁
I saw my mom and Santa having a chat
She told him he was much too fat
She then grabbed his behind
With eyes closed kissed him blind
Then they both fell down on the mat.
🤶🤶🤶🤶
Old Santa got drunk on warm ale
“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail
“But what of the toys
For the good girls and boys?”
“I’ll send all their presents by mail!”
🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲
With the holidays on the horizon,
I placed twenty calls to Verizon.
They stuck me on hold
Til my dinner got cold.
And I still absolutely despise them.
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HO! HO! HO! 14 DAYS TO GO
With the holiday season in full swing I thought I should offer up some of my own holiday-spirit poetry original written in the 1920’s and 1930’s. A few off-color rhymes to help celebrate this holiest of seasons (sarcasm off) in my own special way. These should be rated “PG” so keep the kids away if you can.
1927
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud.
In company, I’m told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
1939
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
but he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
1938
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To – I won’t say a bitch –
But a woman of no reputation.
1940
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
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And here’s my favorite, a salute from my birth year (1946) to all my Texas readers.
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
❤️❤️❤️
I’m sitting here looking out the window and watching our first snowfall of 2025. If their estimate proves accurate we’ll have 7-10 inches by morning. From listening to the experts it does appear this may be the start of one helluva bad winter. I’m well prepared with a full can of gas, a working snowblower, and a desire to go play in the snow a little. If you’re in the same predicament then sit back in your warm and comfy chair to enjoy some interesting and varied trivia facts. Here we go . . .
- Leonard Skinner was the name of the gym teacher of the boys who went on to form the band Lynyrd Skynyrd. He once told them “You boys will never amount to nothing.” The band’s front man, Ronnie Van Zant, decided to adopt the name but change the spelling, as a joke on his former teacher.
- Richard Gere’s middle name is Tiffany.
- Goldie Hawn’s career as an actress-comedienne was launched after she was spotted as a dancer in the chorus line on The Andy Griffith Show in 1966.
- Keith Moon of the band, The Who, inspired the Muppet drummer Animal.
- Under the Motion Picture censorship code, which was effective from 1934 to 1968, a screen kiss could only last 30 seconds before being labeled “indecent.”
- In the early episodes of Start Trek, Dr. McCoy’s medical scanner was just an ordinary saltshaker.
- The blood in the famous shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho was in fact Hershey’s chocolate syrup.
- A snake has the best heat-detecting equipment in nature. Using the two organs between its eyes and nostrils it can locate a mouse by its body heat at a distance of 15 miles.
- In a survey of 80,000 American women it was found that those who drank moderately had only half the heart-attack risk of those who didn’t drink at all.
- When you sneeze, all your bodily functions stop – including the heart.
🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️
Here’s one of my Fav’s. If your a true fan of the Olympics you’ll love it too.
Nudity was considered perfectly acceptable in ancient Greece, but it was declared indecent if a man revealed an erection.
(Nothing more needs to be said except:.)
U.S.A…..U.S.A…..U.S.A…..
I made a bulk purchase recently from an on-line book seller and received a random collection that I thought were interesting. In that pile was a book of limericks obviously written by or for children. I’m a big fan of limericks of all types and found these to be just plain fun. These are rated “G” and should make you grin a little.
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Fun loving Steve is quite spunky.
He’s out every night getting funky.
Tonight he’s at Anna’s
with a bunch of bananas.
Did I mention that Steve is a monkey?
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Early one Mother’s Day, Jake
decided that he liked to bake
a pie for his mother,
but soon he’d discover
it surely was no piece of cake.
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Our little Welsh corgi named Bramley
does not like our mailman, Stanley.
He’ll tear cross the floor,
bark and leap at the door,
and then act like he’s just saved our family.
💥💥💥💥
Our neighbor is nice Mrs. Rands.
She forgets names and faces and plans.
She has such amnesia
that each time she sees ya,
she tells you her name and shakes hands.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN CLEARY
I thought a little sampling of limericks was in order for today. I’m normally cautious when posting limericks but today I’ll throw caution to the wind and just give you a taste of limericks from the 1920’s. It’s always fun to reminisce about the good old days and some of their limericks were outrageous and unpostable. I rate these PG-13 but you decide. I hope you enjoy them.
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There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
At the end of the condom was torn.
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There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out to slow.
So they tried it all night
Tilley got it just right
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
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There was a young lady of Lout
Who suddenly grew very stout.
Her mother said, “Nellie,
There’s more in your belly
Then ever went in through your mouth.”
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My wife Myrtle’s womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What’s more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wondrously fertile,
That she’s giving me kids like a rabbit.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
OLDIES BUT GOODIES
In recent months the political world seems to have taken over virtually all discussions. While those discussions are of supreme importance, a constant drumbeat of gloom, doom, and lying takes its toll on a person. Todays post is my attempt to lighten the mood a little. Here are the thoughts and hopes of a much younger generation ( that hasn’t been scarred by an overload of political thinking.
❤️
By Jane Brown, United States
I like to feel my father’s whiskers,
They feel so very funny when I try to kiss him,
But when he shaves it does not tickle,
But still I wonder what my mother does.
❤️❤️
By Beverley Dinsdale, New Zealand
Dark fills the sky with his big black cloak,
You never hear him him come.
One by one the stars peep through,
Out comes the moon like a big yellow egg.
❤️❤️❤️
By Susan Heitler, United States
The candle screamed with fury,
Hot tears trickled down her face.
With figure slumped,
She lowly dwindled into shadows
❤️❤️❤️❤️
By Annabel Laurance, Uganda
I have a little brain
Tucked safely in my head
And another little brain
Which is in the air instead
That follow me, and plays with me
And talks to me in bed
The other one confuses me,
The one that’s in my head.
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SPECIAL THANKS TO RICHARD LEWIS
everyuselessthing.com 