Archive for the ‘nasty’ Tag

4-30-2026 Journal–Cuss’in & Swear’in!   Leave a comment

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Now that I have grandchildren running through the house occasionally I’ve been forced to curb my use of all cusswords.  I’ve always loved cursing and swearing but stopping cold-turkey has been tough.  I have no doubt they’ll be picking up a few dozen new cuss words at home and especially at daycare. We can only hope they don’t pick up too many of the really good ones for a while yet.

I decided to do a little research into cussing as it applies to what will be their daily lives soon enough.  Before I do that I thought I’d give you a short history lesson too.  Here’s a few retro cusswords from back in the good old days.

 Old School Cussing

Heavens to Betsy

Jumpin’ Jahosafat

Yikes

Gadzooks

Holy cow

Sugar

Dagnabit

flippin’

Geez Louise

Jeez oh man,

Fudge

Eat it … RAW

Hell’s bells

Oh Shoot

Great Caesar’s Ghost

Jiminy Cricket

Holy Mary-Mother of God

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They sound so lame to us now but back in the day they got the job done with us kids.  My Mom knew all of these and a few more modern words as well.  Now lets take a look at cusswords in use in the USA today. Some fool took the time to do a study to determine what states used certain cusswords  the most. Here are the results.

Asshole – New England, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Arizona

Bitch – Texas through the Carolinas – Along the coast.

Darn – Most of the Great Plains states.

Shit – Texas to Delaware along the coast.

Fuck – All coastal states, East, West, and South.

Motherfucker – Southwestern states and Maine’s

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Before too long our grandchildren will on the Web and getting introduced to Facebook and Twitter and all of the associated idiots who roam there. Here is some information and usage on both of those sites.

Twitter

Detailed work by researchers at Wright State University in Ohio has found that 34.7% of all the swearwords in their sample of 51m tweets were "fuck" or one of its long list of cognates.

In comparison, the second and third most popular swearwords – "shit" and "ass" – accounted for 15.0% and 14.5% respectively, while other highlights included "bitch" (10.3%), "hell" (4.5%), "whore" (1.8%), "dick" (1.7%), "piss" (1.5%) and "pussy" (1.2%). Between them, the top seven make up 90.6% of all the swearing on Twitter.

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Facebook

Someday, when aliens are sifting through Facebook data to find out what 21st-century humans thought and cared about, they’re going to see a lot of shit. That’s the most popular swear word on Facebook, according to an analysis by Slate. In the three-day period queried, shit appeared in 10.5 million U.S. Facebook interactions, fuck in 9.5 million, damn in 6.3 million, bitch in 4.5 million, and crap in 2 million.

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This next section applies directly to Rap Music. It’s always been known for bad language and we find out now that criticism was totally justified.  I feel bad for the fool that had to sit through this terrible music to complete this study.  It must have been brutal.

Rap Music

  • 217.7 cuss words-per-album average.
  • One song from the study had, on average, 13.76 instances of profanity.
  • Too $hort’s 1985 album Raw, Uncut & X-Rated was the most profane album, clocking 49.8 curse words per song.
  • The most profane artists per song were The Geto Boys, as they uttered cuss words on average 46.4 times per song. The second-most vulgar artist? Geto Boys’ Scarface, with 33.3 cuss words per song.
  • Bun B’s song “Some Hoes” had the most instances of profanity in its lyrics with over 113 cuss words. The words “nigga” (51 times) and “ho” (46) make up the majority. However, the study qualifies that Lil Jon’s “Roll Call” is perhaps the most vulgar with 329 cuss words but it was not used in the study.
  • The most profane year in Hip-Hop from the study was 2001 with 22.66 cuss words per song.

If both grandson’s can last more than fifteen minutes in this cuss filled society without becoming cussing experts it will be nothing short of a miracle.  Since I believe that “turn-about is fair play” I’ll just wait until they start cussing on their own then I’ll step in and add a few of mine.

SHIT ! ! !

IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR FACEBOOK, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

12-23-2014 Journal – My List of Hate 2.0   Leave a comment

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It’s taken me some time to read through all of the changes I’ve made on the review of my  list of “100 Things I Hate” compiled five years ago. It became obvious  early on that my opinions on some things had drastically changed. I initially made the list as a tongue-in-cheek exercise but as it progressed I became more and more serious about the items I was adding.  The  following 64 items  are those that survived the review and I  still hate them all. If I indicated even a fifty percent improvement on any item it was removed from this list because if you truly hate something it should be all or nothing. Here’s what’s left.

#1 Rosie O’Donnell

#2 Dirty Fingernails

#3 Criminals

#4 Funerals

#5 Backward Baseball Caps

#6 Large Groups of People

#7 Old Gum Under Tables

#8 Penis Tattooing

#9 Dumb Cashiers

#10  Stinky Feet

#11 Decomposition

#12 Bugs Crawling On Me

#13  Terrorists

#14  Overweight Pets

#15  Know-It-All’s

#16 Hospitals

#17  Oprah Winfrey

#18 Will Ferrell

#19 The Smell of Urine

#20 Corpse’s

#21 Political Correctness

#22 Drug Users

#23 Clowns

#24 Corns

#25 Organic Food

#26 Liars

#27 Ear Hair

#28 Organic Food

#29 Dirty Toilets

#30 Stinky Cheese

#31 Opossums

#32 Extra Toes

#33 Nose Hair

#34 Vegans

#35 Fake Boobs

#36 Ass Kissers aka Brown-Noser’s

#37 Autopsy’s

#38 Stinky Breath

#39 Illegal Aliens

#40 Democrats

#41 Wet Farts

#42 Feet Calluses

#43 Performing Artists

#44 Ugly or Fugly Feet

#45 Sean Penn

#46 Road Kill

#47 Belly Button Lint

#48 Arrogant People

#49 Noisy Radios

#50 The French

#51 Gerbils

#52 Road Tolls

#53 Hairy Nipples

#54 Yellow Nail Polish

#55 Crowded Elevators

#56 Baby Pageants

#57 Pot Holes

#58 Screaming Brats

#59 Texting While Driving

#60 Saggy Pants

#61 Penis Caught In Zipper

#62 Tailgater’s

#63 Stinky Arm Pits

#64 Ex-Wives

The list has been read and reread a a dozen times and is is my final version for 2014. It’s nice to see how much I’ve changed in just five years.  A 35% reduction in hated items seems huge to me and I plan on another review at this time next year. I’m sure to make reductions then and probably will have a number of new items to add which will have aggravated me in 2015.  With that thought in mind I’ll add this following item to the list and truthfully it should have been included on the last one as well:

#65 Anything in Moderation

It just had to be said.

12-13-2014 Journal-Things I Once Hated V!   Leave a comment

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It’s time for installment number five of the “Things I Once Hated” in the hopes that it’ll show I’m no longer the hater I once was.  I keep telling people I’m mellowing with age but after listening to some of their comments I’m beginning to think they still aren’t believing me. I am getting mellower dammit! What’s wrong with all these people?  Let’s just get started on today’s items 56-70 before I get irritated even further.

* * *

#56 Vegans – These smelly people are no better than those religious types who insist on showing up at my house to irritate me.  Trying to convince me not to eat meat is like asking the pope not to pray so much.  It looks good on paper but it will never work.  No improvement here you stupid veggie eating, Kool-aid drinking, dipsticks.

#57 Greasy Sink Water – Thank god for Dawn dish detergent.  It’s helped me to eliminate this problem from my life which is reflected by my 50% reduction in hatred.

#58 Fake Boobs – As I’ve previously stated many times I love boobs. I’ll further qualify that statement by saying I still hate fake boobs.  Some of the fakes are nice to look at as a general rule many look a little strange.  Unless the women are willing to spring for the added expense of a nipple relocation they can get downright bizarre. No improvement.

#59 Ass Kissers aka Brown-Noser’s – Over the years I’ve worked with many of these folks and while it can be fun to watch them go through their antics I still can’t respect them or like them. No improvement.

#60 Waiting in Lines – This has always made me a little crazy.  With the development of e-readers and IPads it no longer bothers me quite so much. 50% improvement.

#61 Autopsy’s – This can never change.  I’ve been present at quite a few and it never gets any easier. No improvement.

#62 Bee Stings – This one has faded into my past and something I’ve finally learned to deal with. If they sting me now I just get the best bee killing insecticide on the market and kill every last one of the little bastards.  100% improvement.

# 63 Stinky Breath – To me this is just one step below Body Odor. What’s amazing to me is that 77.54% of people who have BO also have terrible breath.  Is there some sort of connection there?  Who knows?  No improvement.

#64 Illegal Aliens – Seeing as how my better-half’s son currently living in LA was rear ended by an unlicensed and uninsured illegal Mexican driver this week.  No freaking improvement.  Suck it Mr. President.

#65 Adam Sandler – I’ve totally changed my mind on Mr. Sandler. I’ve finally seen a few things of his that I really enjoyed. 100% improvement.

#66 Democrats – I’ll just refer you back to my comment on Liberals at item #36.  No improvement.

#67 Wet Farts – I don’t like having them and I don’t like sitting near someone else who’s having them.  PU!  No improvement.

#68 Feet Calluses – I’ll again refer you back to item #40, Corns.  There’s nothing as romantic as snuggling on the couch with your spouse and be forced to watch her sand her calluses or trim her toe nails. Ahhhhh, true love.  No improvement.

#69 Performing Artists -  These might be the most annoying of the street people with Mimes leading the pack.  For me they’re even worse than the homeless.  At least the homeless will go away after you give them a buck. These fools stick around and refuse to leave.  No improvement.

#70 Ugly or Fugly Feet – This item is not about Corns or Calluses.  It’s about just plain ugly feet.  Why is it that people with the ugliest feet also insist on wearing sandals to restaurants.  I’ve got a thing for feet and that’s the worst experience I could have. “Down With Ugly Feet”, now there’s your bumper sticker. No improvement.

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That leaves only thirty more items before I complete the review of my list of 100.  I think I’m making good progress so far and I plan on posting the newly revised list once this review has been completed. 

Mr. Mellow signing off.

10-09-2013   Leave a comment

Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts?  I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself.  If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and  use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately.  Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry.  It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.

In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding.  At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life.  It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation.  The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.

I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over.  It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny.  It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas.  It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time.  God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death. 

I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose.  I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts.  The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight. 

It’s painful at times not just for me but for others.  My cat has abandoned me.  The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room.  He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day.  It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time.  I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat.  He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared.  I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.

I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle.  If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area.  The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself.  It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.

Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.

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