To say I am a baseball fan would be an understatement and when writing about famous orators how could I forget the man, “Yogi Berra”. For me, he’s the perfect example of what old time baseball was all about. He was a great player and manager and always made the Yankees fans proud. Weirdly enough he has since become almost as famous for his stream of hilarious quotations. Here are a few for your entertainment.
“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
“Baseball is 90% mental- the other half is physical.”
“Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
“This is like déjà vu all over again.”
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
“It gets late early out there.”
“Think! How the hell are you going to think and hit at the same time?”
“Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
When his wife asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” His response was, “Surprise me.”
It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.
In my younger days I spent a great deal of time in the oldest graveyards in southern Massachusetts. I did gravestone rubbings, sketches, and even a number of oil paintings. I even stretched t-shirts over gravestones, did rubbings, and sold them through a local gift shop. I had many requests from families for shirts with their family name or their favorite epithets. It seems everyone is either fascinated by graveyards or afraid of them. I’ve always loved them because of the absolute quietness. I spent many an hour curled up with a good book, under a tree, in my favorite graveyard.
Here are a few unusual and catchy tombstone epithets for your entertainment.
M.S. Donald Robertson, died 4 June 1848, age 63. “He was a peaceable man, and, to all appearance a sincere Christian. His death was much regretted – which was caused by the stupidity of Lawrence Tulloch of Clotherton who sold him nitre instead of Epsom salts by which he was killed in the space of three hours after taking a dose of it.” Cross Kirk, Shetland, England
“Sacred for the memory of Anthony Drake, who died for peace and quietness sake. His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’, so he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.” Burlington, Massachusetts
“Sacred to the memory of Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah, beneath these stones do lie. Back-to-back, my wife and I. When the last trumpet the air shall fill, if she gets up, I’ll just lie still.” Sargentville, Maine
“Beneath this stone, a lump of clay lies Arabella Young, who on the 21st of May began to hold her tongue.” Hatfield, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates who died August the 6th, 1800. His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street, has every qualification for a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.” Lincoln, Maine
“Fear God, keep the commandments, and don’t attempt to climb a tree, for that’s what caused the death of me.” Eastwell, Kent, England
“Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. killed by a skyrocket in my eye socket.” Frodsham, Cheshire, England
Who doesn’t love trivia? Even a person who reads trivia and claims not to enjoy it actually does learn something. The more facts you learn, regardless of content, adds information to your memory banks. “More” is always better than “Less”. Here’s a little more for you . . .
In 200 BC, the Carthaginian ruler, Hannibal, defeated an enemy’s navy by stuffing poisonous snakes into earthen jugs and catapulting them onto the decks of his opponents’ ships.
National Bathroom Reading Week is the second week in June.
An unusual baseball injury occurred when former Braves first baseman, Ryan Klesko, pulled a muscle by lifting his lunch tray.
The gluteus maximus, the muscle that makes up the buttocks, is the biggest muscle in the human body.
The square most commonly landed on in the game of Monopoly is Illinois Avenue. (The Go space ranks second.)
The original title of the Buddy Holly hits on “Peggy Sue” was “Cindy Lou”.
The very first stolen car was reported in St. Louis Missouri, in 1905.
The colors of the Campbell Soup label – carnelian red and white – were chosen from the colors of the Cornell University football team.
Nike shoes got their distinct waffle sole design in 1971, after track coach Bill Bowerman’s wife served him breakfast. Inspired by the design, he put rubber in his wife’s waffle maker and created what would become Nike’s custom sole.
The Library of Congress in Washington DC, is the largest library in the world, containing 28 million books and 532 miles of shelving.
Now be truthful. Don’t you feel just a little bit smarter? Add this quote to your files as well:
“Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.” Oscar Wilde
“Great art is more than a transient refreshment. It is something which adds to the permanent richness of the soul’s self-attainment. It justifies itself both by its immediate enjoyment, and also by its discipline of the inmost being. Its discipline is not distinct from enjoyment but by reason of it. It transforms the soul into the permanent realization of values extending beyond its former self.”
Facing mandatory retirement in London, and upon being offered an appointment at Harvard, Whitehead moved to the United States in 1924. Given his prior training in mathematics, it was sometimes joked that the first philosophy lectures he ever attended were those he himself delivered in his new role as Professor of Philosophy.
I stumbled across a rather large collection of really stupid newspaper headlines this week. I just can’t resist throwing a few of them your way. This kind of stuff just boggles the mind. The first one is the classic screw up and must be seen again.
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO THE POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARION TAKES OVER
CLINTON WINS BUDGET, MORE LIES AHEAD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
I especially like the Clinton one. I wonder if the editor got reprimanded. That would have been a big NO-NO for a liberal newspaper. Let’s continue.
COUPLE SLAIN, POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY
It’s hard to believe just how many of these I’ve collected. I should start posting only the ones that are well written and correct. It’s a much smaller number to deal with.
I’ve been a lover of baseball since the age of six. I’ve played in the LL Minor Leagues, LL Major Leagues, Pony League, Senior Little League, High School (4 years), and American Legion ball. I figure that gives me the right to have a little fun at the expense of some of my favorite players. I remain respectful of these men, but I still think some of the things they say in front of the microphone are hysterically funny. Here are a few . . .
“Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a Communist” Alvin Dark, NY Giant infielder.
“If Jesus were on the field, he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be high-fiving the other guys.” Tim Burke, Montreal Expos pitcher.
“I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast.” Lefty Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher.
“I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” Tug Mcgraw, NL pitcher, when asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.
“The doctors x-rayed by head and found nothing.” Dizzy Dean, NL pitcher, after being beaned in the 1934 World Series.
“I was the worst hitter ever. I never even broke a bat until last year when I was backing out of the garage.” Left Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher.
“Well, that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankee win.” Phil Rizzuto, Yankee broadcaster, upon hearing that Pope Paul had died.
“His (Dwight Gooden’s) reputation preceded him before he got here.” Don Mattingly, NY Yankee infielder.
“It would take some of the lust off the All-Star game.” Pete Rose, REDS infielder when asked about inter-league play.
“I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.” Andre Dawson, Cubs outfielder on being a role model.
No, I haven’t forgotten about quotes and sayings by Yogi Berra. I would have to write a short novel to include all of his silliness. I’ll post something on Yogi eventually but it’s hard to choose just ten out of the hundreds available. LOL
When I’m writing this blog, I continuously edit myself because I make tons of errors in spelling and grammar. It concerns me only because I don’t care to look like a moron when I’m posting some of my material. I wish I could say the same for everyone, but I can’t. As I read through my research material, I continually find mistakes, obvious mistakes, that have made it through three levels of editors and finally published and released to the public. It boggles my mind some of the things I’ve read in recent weeks and I’m going to share some of them with you now. It still amazes me how people rely on newspapers and their alleged accuracy. It’s time for some really stupid headlines.
Police Suspicious After Body Found in a Graveyard
Male infertility Can Be Passed on to Children
Iraq Head Seeks Arms
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Can you believe this stuff? I can’t. Now I want to move on to some other things that I’ve noticed on websites like Craigslist. It’s apparent to me that editing is not permitted on these sites and here’s the results:
Free Yorkshire Terrier: eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Georgia Peaches – California grown -$.89 per pound
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
That’s about enough for me. As Ron White always says, “You can’t fix stupid”.
It’s 7am and I’m sitting here drinking my coffee and staring out the window. It’s a sky full or gray and dark clouds and a light annoying rain. I get to top that off with another annoying doctors visit later in the day. How did I ever manage to stay alive this long before I had all these experts making me pay for the privilege?
I feel better now that I’ve gotten that whine out of the way. I think todays post should consist of a general list of interesting oddities. It’s just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended). Enjoy . . .
In the 10th century, the Grand Viser of Persia, carried 117,000 books with him as he traveled. It took 400 camels to carry all of the volumes.
Sportscaster Foster Hewitt is credited with being the first person to say, “He shoots! He scores!” It happened at a hockey game between 1931 and 1935.
In 1985, 300 people who were alive in 1910 gathered to watch Haley’s Comet make its first return to Earth in 75 years.
In 1967, the town of St. Paul, Alberta, built the world’s first UFO landing pad as a project to mark Canada’s 100th birthday.
A typical child laughs 26.67 times more per day than the typical adult.
Vatican City claims the honor of having both the lowest divorce rate and the lowest birth rate of anywhere in the world.
The first snowboard was called a “snurfer” and was made with two skis attached together.
The “Spirit of Ecstasy” is the name of the sculpture on the hood ornament of a Rolls-Royce.
Each of your nostril’s registers smell differently. Your right nostril detects the more pleasant smells, but your left one is more accurate.
It has been reported in Ripley’s Believe It or Not that the toe tag from the corpse of Lee Harvey Oswald, President Kennedy’s alleged assassin, sold at auction for $9500.
Recently while watching Facebook, I was entertained by a British comedian whose name I can’t remember, and his whole routine was based on mishearing or misreading music lyrics. He was hysterically funny and motivated me to do a little more research on the subject. Here are few samples of misheard lyrics that I’ve stumbled upon and will share with you.
“Gladly, the cross-eyed bear” This was taken from an old hymn, “Gladly the Cross I’d Bear”
“Dead ants are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind” from Bob Dylan, “The answer my friend is blow’in in the wind.”
“There’s a bathroom on the right.” Creedence Clearwater Revival, “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”
“Doughnuts make my brown eyes blue.” Crystal Gayle, “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue.”
“Just brush my teeth before you leave me.” Juice Newton, “Just touch my cheek before you leave me.”
“Baking carrot biscuits.” Bachman-Turner Overdrive, “Taking care of business.”
“I am a pool hall ace.” The Police, “My poor heart aches.”
“The girl with colitis goes by.” The Beatles, “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”
“You and me and Leslie.” The Rascals, “You and me endlessly.”
“Midnight after you’re wasted.” Maria Muldaur, “Midnight at the oasis.”
I’m sure this has happened to all of us at one time or another as we cruised around in our car with the radio blaring. Traffic noises mixed with loud rock music and garbled lyrics make for some interesting mistakes. One or two of the ones listed above sound very similar to some I’ve made and there are many more but I’m not listing them. It’s a little embarrassing.
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