Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

01/07/2023 “Optimist v. Pessimist”   Leave a comment

For most of my life I’ve been called a pessimist, a cynic, and an all-around “downer”. I’m not too crazy about the term cynic and the term pessimist is primarily used only by those folks that consider themselves optimists. First of all, the term cynic doesn’t apply, I am a pragmatist. Cynic is a derogatory term used primarily by optimists to denigrate those of us who prefer a stark truth to a flowery disappointment. As far as being a “downer”, that’s a term that makes no sense whatsoever. Speaking the truth is never a “downer”, it’s just that simple. Here is the posted definition of an optimist directly from Wikipedia and we all know they never make mistakes.

optimist (ˈÀp-tΙ™-mist), noun

A person who is inclined to be hopeful and to expect good outcomes.

I know many, many, optimists and had many discussions and arguments about the advantages of being pragmatic and not having good thoughts about every damn thing you can think of. With that thought in mind I decided to do a little research to get some thoughts on optimism from a few so-called experts. Let’s see what you think about this.

  • Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.
  • An optimist is a man who, instead of feeling sorry he cannot pay his bills, is glad he is not one of his creditors.
  • Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves. Italian saying
  • If you count the sunny and cloudy days of the whole year, you will find that the sunshine predominates.
  • A cheerful resignation is always heroic, but no phase of life is so pathetic as a forced optimism. Elbert Hubbard
  • An optimist is one who believes that a fly is looking for a way to get out.
  • If it weren’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.

After reading the above, what kind of person are you? Are you a glass half-full person or a glass half empty person? I stand proudly as a pragmatist against any and all optimists. It’s just that I prefer reality rather than a continuing hopefulness that everything will be just fine, and everyone will own their own unicorn. Here’s a quote from one of my favorite writers and his definition of pessimism, I hope all of you optimists out there enjoy it.

Pessimist – One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

Oscar Wilde

01/06/2023 😜Retro 80’s HumorπŸ˜‚   Leave a comment

I just received a request from a reader to post something lighthearted and fun for a change. Since I’m neither lighthearted nor funny, I did some research and found a small paperback book hidden on a bookshelf behind some others. It’s titled Raunchy Riddles and after reading a few entries I know why it was hidden. I suppose it could be considered lighthearted and funny but that would be stretching the truth a little. This is 1980’s humor at its absolute worst. This post is dedicated to that foolish reader who requested it. Here we go!

  • What do you use to make a pickle cake? Dill Dough!
  • What would you call a sex change in Puerto Rico? A hole in Juan!
  • What’s the best thing to do if you’re on a date with an annoying nymphomaniac? Give her a vibrator and tell her to buzz off!
  • What happened to the couple that met through the social disease hotline? They lived “herpily ever after!”
  • What’s the best part of a porno movie? The coming attractions!

  • What should you do if your date won’t make love with the lights on? Close the car door!
  • What did one boob say to the other? “We’d better stop hanging so low, they’ll think we’re nuts!”
  • What happens if a lady golfer gets hit with a golf ball between the first and the second hole? It doesn’t leave a lot of room for the Band-Aid!
  • How did the four guys carry the huge drunken fat girl out of the bar? Two abreast!
  • What’s a hamburger kiss? Between the buns!

There you have it folks, some of the worst humor of the mid-1980s. The more I read the fewer I decided to post and believe it or not the above ten were the least objectionable I could find. So, to my lighthearted and funny reader, in the future be careful what you ask for. One last lighthearted tidbit just for you . . .

What’s the difference between a midget detective agency and a lady’s track team?

A midget detective agency is a cunning bunch of runts!

GOTTA LOVE THE 80’S

01/02/2023 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯2023 Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   Leave a comment

I’ thought I’d start the new year with a small collection of limericks. This collection should be rated “PG”, so keep the youngsters away. Happy New Year to all of you limerick aficionados. Today’s collection concerns:

Sexual Misfortunes

Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham,

Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.

As they made their way back,

A crazed sex maniac

Leapt out of a bush and ignored ’em.

🍷🍷🍷

An unfortunate sailor name Bates,

Had performed the fandango on skates.

But a fall on his cutlass

Had rendered him nutless

And, well – virtually useless on dates!

πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†

A nudist, named Roger McPeet,

Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet.

Till, one chilly December,

He froze his poor member,

And retired to a monkish retreat.

🍩🍩🍩

Ancient octogenarian, Hugh,

To his wife remained steadfastly true.

This was not from compunction,

But more the dysfunction

Of his spermatic glands – nuts to you.

πŸ†πŸ©πŸ†

What better way to kick off a new year. Here’s one final limerick with a religious bent for an oh-so inclined friend.

❀️

When Lazarus came back from the dead,

He still couldn’t function in bed.

“What good’s Resurrection

Without an erection?”

Old Lazarus testily said.

AMEN TO THAT

01/01/2023 “Malaprops”   Leave a comment

I love sticking my finger in the eye of the American education system. It seems to me to be little more than a means to raise revenues more than educating our children. As in all things the term, “Follow the Money”, remains consistently true. In my early years a number of former teachers of mine did everything in their power to convince me to become an educator. Thankfully they were unsuccessful. I know now that only certain types of people can enjoy a successful career as a teacher and I’m not one of them. I’d love to teach young children but would probably be fired for my continuing conflicts with a multi-layered and liberally biased administration. It’s when I read things like I’m going to list, I’d lose my ever-loving mind. These “malaprops” were collected from test papers from grade school, high school, and college student’s papers. OMG

  • Samuel Morris invented a code for telepathy.
  • Gutenberg invented the Bible.
  • Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
  • There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
  • Afterwords, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
  • Good punctuation means not to be late.
  • Adam and Eve wore nothing but figments.
  • When a baby is born, the doctor cuts its biblical chord.
  • If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, a proverb is a pronoun used in place of a verb.

I have one more I’d like to add which will be the cherry on top of this educational sundae.

“Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.”

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

12/31/2022 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯New Year’s ResolutionsπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   1 comment

These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!

I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.

  • Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
  • Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
  • Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
  • Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
  • Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)

πŸ’₯πŸ’₯πŸ’₯

  • No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
  • Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
  • Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
  • Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
  • Stay vertical.

πŸ’₯πŸ’₯πŸ’₯

There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

Drive Safe

12/29/2022 🌞The Eighties🌞   Leave a comment

I’m a lover of trivia as you all know. Many of you claim to be as well and in recent weeks I’ve had a few people boasting of their knowledge of trivia from that era. I decided today to supply all of you with ten questions pertaining to the 1980’s and all of the weirdness that went on at that time. The answers will be provided at the end of the post. No cheating please.

1. For appearing in what magazine did Vanessa Williams, the first black Miss America, have to give up her title?

2. What movie featured the Beach Boys only number one hit of the 1980s, Kokomo?

3. What company introduced the popular arcade videogame Centipede in 1980?

4. Who sang the number one hit “Shake You Down” in 1986?

5. In commercials for cars and trucks, what was pitch man “Joe Isuzu” known for?

6. What strange and unpopular character was quickly dispatched as a Burger King pitch man in 1986?

7. What was “The Icky Shuffle”?

8. What was the name of Doc Brown’s dog in the movie Back to the Future?

9. What popular videogame character made his debut in the 1981 arcade hit Donkey Kong?

10.What arcade character was chased by a purple snake named Colly?

HOW MANY DID YOU ACTUALLY GET RIGHT?

1-Penthouse, 2-Cocktail, 3-Atari, 4-Gregory Abbott, 5-Lying, 6-Herb, 7-NFL Touchdown dance, 8-Einstein ,9-Mario, 10-Q*bert

12/18/2022 😡Mortality😡   Leave a comment

What better things are there to do on these snowy, wet, cold, slushy, and otherwise crappy days? My favorite thing is to just go to my bookshelf and randomly pick a book to read and to look for interesting information. Since it is the holiday season I thought why not talk about death. Unfortunately, or fortunately the book that I picked at random this morning contains quite of lot of information on death and dying. So, in the spirit of the season I’m going to supply you with a list of actual ways people on this planet decide to be buried. Some of these ways are a little strange but who am I to judge.

  • Create a certified, high-quality diamond from the cremated ashes of your loved one.
  • Send a symbolic portion of your loved ones cremated remains into Earth orbit, onto the lunar surface, or into deep space.
  • Have your cremated remains placed in a “reef ball” to help seed this planet’s coral reefs.
  • Have your remains frozen in liquid nitrogen, with the intent of restoring your body (in good health, of course) when technology becomes available to do so.
  • Have your remains frozen and transformed into organic compost and buried with in a potato-starch coffin that promotes plant and tree growth.

  • Have your remains incorporated into fireworks, so you can have a custom fireworks display for your friends and loved ones.
  • Create a custom portrait of your loved one incorporating their cremation ashes.
  • Have your body mummified the old-school Egyptian way.
  • Donate your body to be “plastinated” or embalmed for public display for educational and instructional purposes.

Now that I’ve succeeded in depressing you let me take it one step further.

  • It has been estimated by scientists that since human beings became a distinct species, more than 100 billion, give or take a few million, have died.
  • It is estimated that more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday. Just give a kind thought to the 135,000 people who are estimated to pass away on the same day.
  • You have a higher chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
  • You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with hot tap water.
  • Death from being struck on the head by a coconut occurs for about 150 people each year worldwide.
  • Mike Edwards, cellist for the 1970’s band, The Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), was killed by hay bale that rolled down a hill and smashed into his moving van.

😡😡😡

6 MORE SHOPPING DAYS

12/08/2022 β˜ƒοΈπŸˆChristmas Beer LoversπŸˆβ˜ƒοΈ   Leave a comment

As I’m sure you all know, people love beer. With the holidays coming up I assume that all of you beer fanatics out there will be hoisting a few cold ones while watching many of your favorite football games. I’m not a beer person but I’m sure if you consume enough it will make for an even happier holiday season. I understand it also helps, if done properly, to “zone out” all of the miscellaneous holiday conversations you would normally be required to respond to. I’ve been told many times by friends and acquaintances alike that “beer is better than women”. This posting was sent to me by a friend, but it should be read primarily by the men. I’m sure a few beer drinking women will be up in arms over this post but please don’t kill the messenger. I’m just forwarding this along to the men out there who will be in need of some comic relief in the coming months.

WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.

When beer goes flat, you toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.

Beer never has a headache.

A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

If you pour beer right, you’ll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

A beer is always wet.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

Beer doesn’t care when you come.

You always know if you’re the first one pop a beer.

Hell, I think I’m having a beer induced epiphany. After reading all of this interesting information I just might have to try a beer or two over the holidays. I never realized just how much better beer was than women until I read this list. As an aside ladies, if you think this list was misleading or untrue, I welcome any contributions from all of you as to why beer is better than men.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS LADIES

LOL

12/01/2022 “School Days”   Leave a comment

I was never in high school during the 1950’s.  I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in then what is now called Middle School.  To say there are differences between now and the fifties is the hugest understatement you will ever hear.  As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. This article was initially posted in 2010 but I’ve updated it somewhat. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences between then and now.  When you first read them, you might think the scenarios are exaggerated to make a point.  If you really look at it honestly you can also see how exaggerated, they aren’t.

* * *

Scenario 1

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.

1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2022 – School goes into immediate lock down, FBI and media are alerted, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called for all of the traumatized students and teachers. Media interviews replayed for days.

Scenario 2

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 – A crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2022 – Teachers alert the police, and the SWAT team arrives only moments before the Media β€” Johnny and Mark are arrested. They’re both charged with assault and expelled even though Johnny started it. The Media interviews experts on how to control the terrible violence in schools and they are replayed on numerous stations across the country.

Scenario 3

Jeffrey will not be quiet and well-behaved in class; he disrupts other students.

1957 – Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt the class again.

2022 – Jeffrey is immediately tested for ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie like creature. The family then applies to SSI, and Jeffrey is labeled “disabled”. The monthly government checks begin to arrive. The Media does a three-night special on the networks concerning the national pandemic of ADD and praises the benefits of Ritalin.

Scenario 4

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2022 – Neighbor’s immediately call the police. Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse; Billy is removed to a foster care facility for evaluation. He soon joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom then has an affair with the psychologist and makes a guest appearance on the Jerry Springer Show. Film at eleven!

Scenario 5

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache, and he feels much better.

2022 – Teachers immediately call police, and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations (zero tolerance). His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Media proclaims continued drug problems in the school systems and Oprah Winfrey does a two-hour special.

Scenario 6

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and then goes to college.

2022 – Teachers are concerned for Pedro and his cause is taken up by the state authorities. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.

Scenario 7

Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July and puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a nest of red ants.

1957 – Ants die.

2022 β€“ ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called in. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism for mishandling explosives. The FBI investigates his parents – and all his siblings are removed from their home and all computers confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terrorism watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Protesters and morons picket the family home because they are against domestic terrorism. A dangerous traffic jam is created by all of the Media vans attempting to get a little face time on camera.

Scenario 8

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2022 – Other teachers and Johnny’s parents accuse Mary of being a sexual predator and she loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison and when released becomes a well-educated street walker. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and drugs and eventually finds God, shaves his head, and is now working full-time at the airport playing a tambourine.

* * *

Do you honestly think I exaggerated a bit?  Some of this is certainly tongue-in-cheek but a lot of it isn’t. I’m glad of two things; one is that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and secondly, that my children would have been taught by me the basics on how to best survive liberal academics and their constant propagandizing.

HAVE A MERRY POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS

11/28/2022 πŸ’₯”Virginity Limerick Alert”πŸ’₯   Leave a comment

I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”

πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said “If you must know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.

🫀🫀🫀

A religious young lassie named Claire

Was having her first love affair.

As she climbed into bed

She reverently said,

“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”

😎😎😎

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone pike,

But it really was broken from pokin’.

πŸ†πŸ©πŸ†

NUFF SAID