I’m in dire need of anything that will help me forget this Christmas season. First, we had windstorms, then rainstorms, then 4 feet of water in the backyard, then a loss of power, loss of internet, no telephone service, and finally cooking what was to have been a great dinner on the gas grill on the deck. Scallops, mussels and clams just aren’t the same after trying to cook them properly when its 15 effing degrees. Am I whining too much? I sure am. I have to be man enough to put all this crap behind me and start fresh, but I just can’t do it. I’d like to string both Mother Nature and Santa Clause from the nearest tree by various body parts that I won’t mention. I can assure you they would be painful.
Maybe my attitude will improve once I can shower and shave with hot water. The electric just turned back on at 10am today. Scrub-a-dub-dub.
BRING ON FREAKING NEW YEARS
Late last night we were able to have an emergency run of propane to the house which heled warm everyone a little. The temperature was hovering around 45 in the house at the time. Twenty minutes later after three and a half days our power was restored. I need to spend the rest of today trying to return things to normal. The blog will return tomorrow, and we can try to put this wonderful nightmare of a holiday behind us.
ONWARD TO NEW YEARS
Another quick note. It’s our third day without power, heat, internet or patience. Our generator just ran out of propane so now we can sit around and freeze our collective asses off. Ho! Ho! Ho! Deck the effing halls. Hopefully we’ll get some good news tomorrow.
This entry will be different than some of my others. Since this massive wind and rainstorm hit, I can’t access WordPress since we’ve been without power since 12/23/2022 at 1130 am. I’m typing this on an old school word processor and will post it if and when the internet comes back up. My computer is operating with the help of a generator that’s still working but quickly running out of propane. We currently have no idea when the power or the internet is going to be returning but like the saying goes, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” This post is being written on Christmas eve and will be posted under that date as soon as possible.
Regardless of Mother Nature’s interruption I still would like to wish all of you a very merry and safe Christmas. I’ve got to go now because I have another batch of “lemonade” to make. The grand kids will be here soon, and they don’t care at all about the lack of electric power or no internet. Their first question will be “Which of these gifts are mine.” You gotta love them.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!
🍷🍷🍷
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”
🍗🍗🍗
There was an old lady of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household’s disgust
She emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”
🍜🍜🍜
There was an old man from the Rhine
Who was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, six, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”
🍦🍦🍦
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta.
At breakfast he said,
“Give me some b-b-b-bread
And a pat of b-b-b-b-butta.”
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s important to maintain a sense of humor with all of the anticipated stresses of these holidays. Here are two quotes and a hilarious joke that will hopefully put a smile on your face. Enjoy . . .
***
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then so she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves, and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
***
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple
***
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it: “I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
***
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt that other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
***
WE ALL NEED A LAUGH – IT’S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY
3 DAYS LEFT
❤️🎀❤️
With Christmas just a few days away the amount of media cheer has left me wondering. Over the years my disregard for organized religion has been consistent. I just don’t understand that people who consider themselves religious never complain about the bastardization of their holidays. I may not be religious, but the vast majority of Americans apparently are. Why so quiet? Why no outrage? I just don’t understand. I’ve made a point of learning as much as I could about most of the world’s religions and I’ve read all of their sacred documents. I felt it only right that if I were going to criticize a thing, I should know what the hell I’m talking about. I fear that is not the case for most people. As I’ve read my way through volumes of writings, I’ve also stumbled onto a lot of things I never knew and a lot I could have done without knowing. Let’s see how much of the following information you’ve ever heard before. That’s right, it’s a pre-Christmas POP Quiz.
- The name of God is not mentioned in only one book of the Bible. Which one? The Book of Esther
- What kind of wood was used to make Noah’s Ark? Gopher wood, according to Genesis 6:14
- How much time did Jonah spend in the belly of the whale? Three days and three nights.
- What day of the week is the Sabbath for Muslims? Friday
- How old was Moses when he died? 120 years, according to the Bible (Deuteronomy 34:7)
- In the Bible, which of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rides a red horse? War (Book of Revelations)
- In the Bible, who did the sun and moon’s stand still before? Joshua. The passages in Joshua 10:12-13
- According to early Christian theologians, how many grades of Angels are there? Nine. The hierarchy of angels, from highest ranked lowest, is seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominions, virtues, powers, principalities, archangels and angels.
- According to the Bible, what weapons was the Philistine giant Goliath carrying when he was slain by David? A sword and a spear, according to I Samuel 17:45.
- What is the meaning of orbium phonographicorum theca, one of the words the Vatican has added to the Latin language in a bid to keep it up to date? Discotheque.
Well, after reading all of that information I think I’m really ready for Christmas. How many answers did you really and truthfully get correct? I listed most of these questions primarily for a few people that I know who claim knowledge of the Bible and quote it to me often. I’m reasonably sure none of them knew any of the answers to those questions. If they haven’t read this blog posting our next meeting is going to be really interesting when I start asking some of these questions directly to them. That would be pure unadulterated holiday fun.
FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’ve been a fan of Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) since my early teens. His subtle sense of humor and satirical skills captured me immediately. His story telling is as good as it gets which is why after more than sixty-five years, I can still recall passages from his books as well as descriptions of the characters he skillfully created. In 1875, Mark Twain wrote a letter to his daughter Susie, who was three years old at the time. He conveys beautifully the spirit of Christmas and his love for his daughter. Unfortunately, she passed away at the age of twenty-four. Here is a copy of that letter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
“A Letter From Santa Claus” by Mark Twain
My Dear Susie Clemens,
I have received and read all the letters which you and your little sister have written me. I can read your and your baby sister’s jagged and fantastic marks without any trouble at all. But I had trouble with those letters which you dictated through your mother and the nurses, for I am a foreigner and cannot read English writing well. You will find that I made no mistakes about the things which you and the baby ordered in your own letters – I went down your chimney at midnight when you were asleep and delivered them all myself – and kissed both of you, too. But there were one or two small orders which I could not fill because we ran out of stock …
There was a word or two in your mama’s letter which I took to be “a trunk full of doll’s clothes.” Is that it? I will call at your kitchen door about nine o’clock this morning to inquire. But I must not see anybody, and I must not speak to anybody but you. When the kitchen doorbell rings, George must be blindfolded and sent to the door. You must tell George he must walk on tiptoe and not speak—otherwise he will die someday. Then you must go up to the nursery and stand on a chair or the nurse’s bed and put your ear to the speaking tube that leads down to the kitchen and when I whistle through it you must speak in the tube and say, “Welcome, Santa Claus!” Then I will ask whether it was a trunk you ordered or not. If you say it was, I shall ask you what color you want the trunk to be and then you must tell me every single thing in detail which you want the trunk to contain. Then when I say “Good-by and a merry Christmas to my little Susy Clemens,” you must say “Good-by, good old Santa Claus, I thank you very much.” Then you must go down into the library and make George close all the doors that open into the main hall, and everybody must keep still for a little while.
I will go to the moon and get those things and in a few minutes I will come down the chimney that belongs to the fireplace that is in the hall – if it is a trunk you want – because I couldn’t get such a thing as a trunk down the nursery chimney, you know. If I should leave any snow in the hall, you must tell George to sweep it into the fireplace, for I haven’t time to do such things. George must not use a broom, but a rag – else he will die someday. If my boot should leave a stain on the marble, George must not holystone it away. Leave it there always in memory of my visit; and whenever you look at it or show it to anybody you must let it remind you to be a good little girl. Whenever you are naughty and someone points to that mark which your good old Santa Claus’s boot made on the marble, what will you say, little sweetheart?
Good-by for a few minutes, till I come down to the world and ring the kitchen doorbell.
Your loving Santa Claus
Whom people sometimes call
“The Man in the Moon”
MERRY CHRISTMAS
And thank you Mark.
“The unexamined life is not worth living“
Socrates
With Christmas fast approaching I thought I’d post the third installment of An Examined Life. I found that some of these questions gave me pause. I really had to stop and consider some of my answers. See what you think.
- If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
- Would you accept 20 years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant you would die at the end of that period.
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Is there anything you hope to do that is even better?
- What was your most enjoyable dream? your worst nightmare?
- Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that one hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you?
*****
- If you knew you could devote yourself to any single occupation – Music, writing, acting, business, politics, medicine, etc. – and be among the best and most successful in the world at it, what would you choose? If you knew you had only a 10% chance of being so successful, would you still put in the effort?
- What was your best experience with drugs or alcohol? your worst experience?
- If you went to a dinner party and were offered a dish you had never tried, would you want to taste it even if it sounded strange and not very appealing?
- To your close friends tend to be older or younger than you?
- If the person you were engaged to marry had an accident and became a paraplegic, would you go through with the marriage or back out?
*****
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save one item. What would it be?
- How would you react if you were to learn that your mate had had a lover of the same sex before you knew each other?
- When were you last in a fight? What caused it and who won?
- You are being offered $1 million for the following acts: Before you are ten pistols – only one of which is loaded. You must pick up one of the pistols, point it at your forehead, and pull the trigger. If you walk away, you do so a millionaire. Would you accept the risk?
- Someone very close to you is in pain, paralyzed, and will die within a month He begs you to give him poison so that he can die. Would you? What if it was your father.
*****
5 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
What better things are there to do on these snowy, wet, cold, slushy, and otherwise crappy days? My favorite thing is to just go to my bookshelf and randomly pick a book to read and to look for interesting information. Since it is the holiday season I thought why not talk about death. Unfortunately, or fortunately the book that I picked at random this morning contains quite of lot of information on death and dying. So, in the spirit of the season I’m going to supply you with a list of actual ways people on this planet decide to be buried. Some of these ways are a little strange but who am I to judge.
- Create a certified, high-quality diamond from the cremated ashes of your loved one.
- Send a symbolic portion of your loved ones cremated remains into Earth orbit, onto the lunar surface, or into deep space.
- Have your cremated remains placed in a “reef ball” to help seed this planet’s coral reefs.
- Have your remains frozen in liquid nitrogen, with the intent of restoring your body (in good health, of course) when technology becomes available to do so.
- Have your remains frozen and transformed into organic compost and buried with in a potato-starch coffin that promotes plant and tree growth.
- Have your remains incorporated into fireworks, so you can have a custom fireworks display for your friends and loved ones.
- Create a custom portrait of your loved one incorporating their cremation ashes.
- Have your body mummified the old-school Egyptian way.
- Donate your body to be “plastinated” or embalmed for public display for educational and instructional purposes.
Now that I’ve succeeded in depressing you let me take it one step further.
- It has been estimated by scientists that since human beings became a distinct species, more than 100 billion, give or take a few million, have died.
- It is estimated that more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday. Just give a kind thought to the 135,000 people who are estimated to pass away on the same day.
- You have a higher chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
- You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with hot tap water.
- Death from being struck on the head by a coconut occurs for about 150 people each year worldwide.
- Mike Edwards, cellist for the 1970’s band, The Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), was killed by hay bale that rolled down a hill and smashed into his moving van.
😵😵😵
6 MORE SHOPPING DAYS