Archive for the ‘food’ Tag
After writing this blog for so many years, I tend to write and read everything six times trying to correct my many mistakes. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be the norm for other people to edit themselves, even those who are magazine and newspaper editors. It’s commonplace in everyday advertisements to see misspelled words, bad grammar and a general lack of concern for accuracy. It appears that our education system may be partially responsible for some of these issues, and it drives me effing crazy. Here are a few examples of “malaprops” collected from grade school, high school, and college examination papers. What do you think?
- The American colonists won their Revolutionary War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- The air is thin high up in the sky, down here, it’s fat.
- The flood damage was so bad they had to evaporate the city.
- A horse divided against itself cannot stand.
- The U.S. Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
- Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
- Brigham Young led the Morons to Utah.
- Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.
- The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray medicine into your nose.
Here’s one of my favorites:
Achilles’ mother dipped him in the River Stinks until he became immoral.
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READIN, WRITIN, & RITHMATIC
I’m about to do something I promised myself I wouldn’t ever do. Today I’m going to post three truly lewd and disgusting limericks. This is to appease a small number of readers who’ve been begging and bugging me for months to print some filth. It’s not something I want to do but I will do it albeit with a slight twist. As you read these three limericks you may notice a large number of asterisks. It’s part of the twist for you to determine the missing letters. That’s the best I can do for all you pervs out there, so enjoy.
☘️☘️☘️
There was an old man of Corfu
Who fed on c**t-juice and s**w.
When he couldn’t get that,
He ate what he shat –
And bloody good s**t he shat, too.
🌶️🌶️🌶️
There was a young man of Glengarridge,
The fruit of a scrofulous marriage.
He s***ed off his brother
And b***ed his mother,
And ate up his sister’s mis****iage.
☘️☘️☘️
Said an elderly whore named Arlene,
“I prefer a young lad of eighteen.
There’s more cr**m in his larder,
And his p**ker gets h***der,
And he f**ks in a manner obscene.”
💩💩💩
I love finding odd facts. Her are a collection of fifteen interesting and somewhat puzzling tidbits.
- 60% of sports related injuries occur during practice.
- Golf may be considered a benign sport, but can carry a risk of injury and death, most often from lightning, power lines, heart attack, and heatstroke.
- Experts estimate that more than 21 billion diapers are dumped into US landfills each year.
- Adolf Hitler suffered from chronic flatulence.
- Omorashi is a fetish subculture in Japan dedicated to arousal from the feeling of having a full bladder.
- The average human will spend three years on the toilet during his lifetime.
- The most germ laden place on the toilet isn’t the seat or even the bowl: it’s the handle.
- Feces in the water supply causes 10% of the world’s communicable diseases.
- Women are up to five times more likely than men to have urinary incontinence problems, primarily due to the trauma the body experiences during pregnancy and childbirth.
- More Americans choke on toothpicks than any other object. Toothpicks injure approximately 9000 people every year.
- Thanks to the technology like TV screens in grocery stores and airports, cell phone videos, and digital movie libraries, the average American sees 61 minutes of ads and promotions each day.
- A bezoar is a ball of swallowed fiber or hair that gathers in the stomach and get stuck in the intestines.
- Ancient Romans used human urine as an ingredient in their toothpaste.
- A mummified hand has been on display in City Hall in Munster, Germany for 400 years. It belonged to a notary who falsely certified a document, and had his hand chopped off as punishment, then displayed as a warning.
- The world’s oceans contain enough salt to cover every continent to a depth of approximately 500 feet.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING
Now that the NFL season has come to a close for me, I can mourn for a few months until the baseball season starts. Then I’ll have yet another team that will tease me and disappoint me like they’ve done for 20 years and offering nothing in return. After the letdown of the Steeler loss, I decided that posting today would be a real crap shoot. Since I’m something of a science nerd, let me lay some interesting facts out for you that you may have not heard of before. No more sports postings for the foreseeable future. Let’s get started…
- 7% of licensed drivers in the United States are 16 and 17-year-olds, and they are responsible for 30% of all automobiles fatalities.
- The driest place on Earth is Calama, in the Atacama Desert in Chile. Not a drop of rain has ever been seen there.
- Using cesium atoms, the clock at the National Bureau of Standards in Washington, D.C., will gain or lose only one second in 300 years.
- The lowest point that a person can get on this planet, unless he/she descends in a submarine, is where the Jordan River enters the Dead Sea – 1298 below sea level.
- In terms of the resources he will use in his lifetime and the pollution he will cause; one citizen of the United States is the equivalent of approximately 80 citizens of India.
- Modern archaeologists have not yet agreed on how large a crowd the Coliseum in Rome could hold in its glory days. One authority estimates 50,000, but about 45,000 is the generally accepted figure.
- An acre of typical farm soil (to a depth of 6 inches) has a ton of fungi, several tons of bacteria, 200 pounds of protozoa (one celled animals) and 100 pounds of yeast.
- To provide a modern person with all of life’s necessities and luxuries, at least 20 tons of raw materials must be dug from the earth each year.
- There are 2,500,000 rivets in the Eiffel Tower.
- The English astronomer Edmund Halley prepared the first detailed mortality tables, in 1693. Life-and-death could then be studied statistically, and the life insurance business was born.
💗KARMA IS PHYSICS PERSONIFIED💗
Quote of the Day
“When the grasshopper gathers strength to hop, it does not
know where it will land. So, it often is with poets.”
Gerald Brenan
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance. While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.” She replies,”Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.” A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.” She replies,”Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too.” Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her, saying, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.” She says, “Yaaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady from Fort Kent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men ask her to dine,
Gave her roses and wine –
She knew what it meant, but she went!
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. Today he got out and his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and jumped into the car. The only thing he said was, “F.F.” His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.” Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.” She immediately responded simply, “E.F.” He repeated it once again, “F.F.” She again replied loudly, “E.F.” “Mom! Dad! What the hell is going on?” Bernie quietly answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Conventional wisdom is to wisdom what junk food is to food.
Quote of the Day
“If the wrong man uses the right means, the right means work in the wrong way.”
Chinese Saying
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy how was I born?” The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in an Internet chat room. Then I set up a date with her via e-mail and we met at a local cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded hotel room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-up window appeared nine months later that said, “You’ve got male.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young man from Missouri.
Who screwed with astonishing fury,
Till taken to court
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly hung jury.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Congratulations shower from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” are heard. Two weeks later the man again returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of the typical Texan baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth ” “How much does the baby way now?” The proud father answers, “15 pounds.” The bartender is puzzled. “Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth.” The Texan father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, “We had him circumcised.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Pornography is the attempt to insult sex.
Quote of the Day
“Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.”
Kahlil Gibran
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand but still got nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing happened, then she tried with her left, but still nothing happened. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing happened. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too but there was nothing doing.” The doctor was shocked. “You actually asked your neighbor?” the old man replied, “Yep, I did, and no matter what we all tried we still couldn’t get the lid off that goddamn jar.
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
An erotic neurotic named Sid,
Got his Ego confused with his Id.
His errant libido
Was like a torpedo,
And that’s why he done what he did.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this very same breakfast table together.” “Yeah, you’re right” she replied. The old man said, “but as I recall we were sitting here stark naked 50 years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?” So, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady said, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Leisure is the mother of Philosophy
Quote of the Day
“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.”
Nelson Algren
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes off to the left. The wife eventually finds her ball in a patch of beautiful buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercup patch. Suddenly, a magical woman appears out of nowhere, blocking her path to the golf bag. She looks her up and down and says, I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you’ll be unable to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.” The mystery woman suddenly disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?” “It’s over here in the pussy willows” he shouted. The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door.
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have hollered considerably more.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part that they wanted to have healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the TV and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her so much pain. Then Grandpa slowly got up, stumbled to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and yelled, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Piss not against the wind.
Quote of the Day
“Fashions after all, are only inducted epidemics.”
George Bernard Shaw
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
Our guy was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake, and he’d been fishing from dawn till dark along with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seems to be all about just fishing. The guy states, “Yes, but you know how much I love to fish.” The guide replied, “But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be doing something else as well?” “Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea, and you know how much I just love to fish.” A few hours later the guide again said, “I understand, but you do know that’s not the only way to have sex.” “I know, but she’s also got diarrhea, and you know how much I just love to fish.” The guide shakes his head sadly. The guy then tells him, “She also has chlamydia, but don’t forget just how much I just love to fish.” Later that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide said, “I guess I’m not sure why you’d ever marry someone with all of these types of health problems.” The man smiled and calmly answered, “It’s because she also has worms, and you know how much I love to fish.
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young naval cadet
Whose dreams were unusually wet.
When he dreamt of his wedding
He soaked up the bedding,
And the wedding ain’t taken place yet.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Two 5-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!” “I’ve been circumcised,” the other replies. “What’s that mean?” “It means they cut the skin off the end.” “How old were you when it was cut off?” “My mom said I was only two days old.” “Did it hurt much?”, the kid asked inquiringly. “You bet your ass it hurt – I didn’t walk for a year!”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!
🍷🍷🍷
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”
🍗🍗🍗
There was an old lady of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household’s disgust
She emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”
🍜🍜🍜
There was an old man from the Rhine
Who was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, six, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”
🍦🍦🍦
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta.
At breakfast he said,
“Give me some b-b-b-bread
And a pat of b-b-b-b-butta.”
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
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