Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
Quote of the Day
“Calamity and Prosperity are the Touchstones of Integrity.”
Benjamin Franklin
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Joke of the Day #1
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He craws to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and up pops a genie . . . But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket and he has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how this works. You have three wishes. . .” “I’m not falling for this,” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a person from the IRS.” “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!” says Mr. IRS. The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. “Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “Okay, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.” ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “Okay kid you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.” ***POOF*** He is immediately turned into a tampon. The moral of this story is that if the IRS offers you anything, there’s bound to be a string attached.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
A lap-dancing club is the place,
Where damsels, who’ve spurned social grace,
Will strip off their gear,
Stick a tit in your ear,
And waggle their bum in your face.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job very soon.” The second woman says haughtily, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m actually thinking of having my asshole bleached!” To which the first replies, “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband has a blonde!”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
When the fox preaches, look to your geese.
Quote of the Day
“To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee.”
Emily Dickinson
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Joke of the Day #1
A man and woman are sitting beside each other on a flight to New York. The woman loudly sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose and then visibly shudders for about ten seconds. A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then shudders. A few more minutes pass before the woman again sneezes and violently shudders. Curious, the man says “I can’t help noticing that you shudder every time you sneeze. Are you okay?” “I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you”, says the woman. “I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an immediate orgasm.” “Are you taking anything for it?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman. “Pepper.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
The limerick is calloused and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding.
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An attractive young woman had finished taking her golf lessons from the club pro. She just started playing her first round when she got a bee sting. The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early? What’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee” was her reply. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second holes” she replied. He just shook his head and nodded knowingly and said, “It’s obvious, your stance is too wide.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
A pleasure deferred is a pleasure intensified.
Quote of the Day
“Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies,
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”
John Lennon & Paul McCartney
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open revealing a lovely leg. The priest took a look and nearly had an accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129.” Once again, the priest apologized. “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out of the car, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival back at his church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
A dashing young dentist in Kent,
Found in practice, wherever he went,
Girls only too willing
To have a good filling,
“Open wide”! Stirred their carnal intent.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Little Johnny is in the middle of class and stands up and says, “I have to piss!” The teacher says, “Now, Johnny, the proper word is urinate and while you’re in the bathroom I want you to think of a sentence that has the word urinate in it.” So, Johnny goes to the bathroom, does his thing and comes back. The teacher immediately asks, “Well, Johnny, did you think of a sentence?” He says,” Yes. . . urinate, and if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten.”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Be a friend to thyself.
Quote of the Day
“If the wrong man uses the right means, the right means work in the wrong way.”
Chinese Saying
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Joke of the Day #1
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy how was I born?” The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in an Internet chat room. Then I set up a date with her via e-mail and we met at a local cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded hotel room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-up window appeared nine months later that said, “You’ve got male.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young man from Missouri.
Who screwed with astonishing fury,
Till taken to court
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly hung jury.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Congratulations shower from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” are heard. Two weeks later the man again returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of the typical Texan baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth ” “How much does the baby way now?” The proud father answers, “15 pounds.” The bartender is puzzled. “Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth.” The Texan father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, “We had him circumcised.”
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Wisdom of the Day
Pornography is the attempt to insult sex.
Quote of the Day
“Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.”
Kahlil Gibran
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Joke of the Day #1
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand but still got nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing happened, then she tried with her left, but still nothing happened. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing happened. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too but there was nothing doing.” The doctor was shocked. “You actually asked your neighbor?” the old man replied, “Yep, I did, and no matter what we all tried we still couldn’t get the lid off that goddamn jar.
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
An erotic neurotic named Sid,
Got his Ego confused with his Id.
His errant libido
Was like a torpedo,
And that’s why he done what he did.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this very same breakfast table together.” “Yeah, you’re right” she replied. The old man said, “but as I recall we were sitting here stark naked 50 years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?” So, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady said, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.”
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Wisdom of the Day
Leisure is the mother of Philosophy
Quote of the Day
“Fashions after all, are only inducted epidemics.”
George Bernard Shaw
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Joke of the Day #1
Our guy was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake, and he’d been fishing from dawn till dark along with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seems to be all about just fishing. The guy states, “Yes, but you know how much I love to fish.” The guide replied, “But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be doing something else as well?” “Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea, and you know how much I just love to fish.” A few hours later the guide again said, “I understand, but you do know that’s not the only way to have sex.” “I know, but she’s also got diarrhea, and you know how much I just love to fish.” The guide shakes his head sadly. The guy then tells him, “She also has chlamydia, but don’t forget just how much I just love to fish.” Later that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide said, “I guess I’m not sure why you’d ever marry someone with all of these types of health problems.” The man smiled and calmly answered, “It’s because she also has worms, and you know how much I love to fish.
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young naval cadet
Whose dreams were unusually wet.
When he dreamt of his wedding
He soaked up the bedding,
And the wedding ain’t taken place yet.
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Two 5-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!” “I’ve been circumcised,” the other replies. “What’s that mean?” “It means they cut the skin off the end.” “How old were you when it was cut off?” “My mom said I was only two days old.” “Did it hurt much?”, the kid asked inquiringly. “You bet your ass it hurt – I didn’t walk for a year!”
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Wisdom of the Day
The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Quote of the Day
“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”
Mark Twain
🥰🥰🥰
Joke of the Day #1
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a low shelf, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have such a large collection of teddy bears, but he decides not to mention anything to her. After a night of hot passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
She said, “I do this
From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice.”
😋😋😋
Joke of the Day #2
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. “What is this?!” he screams. “There’s a pubic hair in my soup! I’m not paying for this!” and he storms out. The waitress gets very upset at this, follows him out and sees him go into a local whorehouse located across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely buxom blonde and immediately goes down on her with gusto. The bedroom door flies open and the waitress bursts in screaming at the top of her lungs, “You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!!! The man lifts his head, turns to her smiling and says, “Yeah! And if I find a noodle in here, I’m not paying for this EITHER!!!
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Wisdom of the Day
One hours sleep before midnight is worth three after.
The Quote of the Day
“Humility is a strange thing. The minute you think you’ve got it, you’ve lost it.”
E.D. Hulse
😏😏😏
The Joke of the Day #1
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there aren’t any laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back into the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a damn condom, anyway? So, he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.” Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to follow the guy immediately. After an hour, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” Asks the pharmacist. The clerk replied, “Your house.”
☘️☘️☘️
The Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady named Hall,
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress soon caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
😖😖😖
The Joke of the Day #2
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do? the other nuns asked. “Well of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh, my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” “I poked holes in all of them”! she replied. The third nun fainted.
🌶️😵💫🌶️
Wisdom for the Day
Did you know that a lesbian dinosaur is called a “Lickalotopuss.
💩
Quote of the Day
“Opinion is Power”
Thomas Jefferson
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Joke of the Day #1
A woman is picked up by a famous sportsman in a bar. They like each other immediately, and she agrees to go back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt, revealing all his tattoos, and she sees on his arm one that reads, “REEBOK.” She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it. He says, “When I play live on TV, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, as he takes his pants off, she sees “PUMA” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for that unusual tattoo. Finally, his underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!” He says, its cool, baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS.”
🍀🍀🍀
Limerick of the Day
A young Spaniard who’s hung like a horse
Is first choice of the ladies, of course.
They long for a dong
That can bong a huge gong,
So, this Juan is their primary source.
😎😎😎
Joke of the Day #2
A vet is making love to his wife when his cell phone rings. Being on duty he immediately answers it. The client says, “I’ve got a dog and a bitch humping on my doorstep, how can I stop them?” The vet says, “Put a cell phone down next to them and call it.” The client says, “And will that work?” The vet says, “It just stopped me!”
😵💫😵💫😵💫
WOMEN FAKE ORGASMS BECAUSE THEY THINK MEN CARE
Quote of the Day
“Come the right moment, a pawn can bring you victory.”
Ho Chi Minh
😁😁😁
Joke of the Day #1
Mary was married and had 13 children and unfortunately her husband suddenly died. Soon she married again and had 7 more children. Unbelievably her second husband also died. Once again, she remarried for the third time and had 5 more children. Alas poor exhausted Mary finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “go forth and multiply.” In his eulogy the preacher said, “Lord they’re finally together.” Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The neighbor replied, “I think he means her legs.”
☘️☘️☘️
❤️Limerick of the Day
A young baseball fan named Ms. Glend
Was the home team’s best rooter and friend,
But for her the big league
Never held the intrigue
Of a bat with two balls at the end.
😂😂😂
Joke of the Day #2
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother’s side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather’s death, her grandmother explained, “He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was just asking for trouble. “Oh, no,” her grandmother replied, “We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with church bells – in with the dings and out with the dongs.” She paused and gently wiped away a tear. “If it hadn’t been for that ice cream truck speeding by, he’d still be alive.”
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