Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
Here are a few samples of some silly things that prompt many of the posts I write on current societal changes. Some I’ve personally experienced, and others were reported to me by friends, readers, and co-workers. God help us all.
- In a semi-rural area. a new neighbor called the local town hall administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
- Once at a local Taco Bell a taco was ordered. I requested “minimal lettuce.” The server said he was sorry, but they only had “Iceberg”.
- At the airport check-in an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything into your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
- The stoplight at the intersection buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine (in my opinion), when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
- At a good-bye lunch for a coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken.
- I once worked with an individual who plugged her computer power strip back into itself and couldn’t understand why her system wouldn’t turn on.
- Upon arriving at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. The service department had a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open.” The young man answered, “I already got that side.”
IT’S A MILLENNIAL SPRING
I Feel Better Already
I’m a huge fan of statistics. No matter how you shake them out you can always get them to support your idea. I know because I’ve done it a few times myself and they made me look awfully smart. So, when I see information published and supported by statistics, I can’t wait to see how silly they are and how they might have been manipulated. Here are a few that made me smile.
- You’re unlikely to kill yourself by attempting suicide. Fewer than one in twenty-five suicide attempts are successful unless your a senior citizen. They take it more serious with a success rate of one in four.
- More than 70% of serious injuries at American colleges and universities are caused by cheerleading.
- You have a better chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
- You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with tap water.
- It’s more likely you will die from your pajamas catching fire than from the bite of a venomous spider.
- Mosquitos are the deadliest animal on earth causing human deaths at 600,000 per year.
- More people are killed each year by freshwater snails than by salt-water crocodiles.
- You’re slightly more likely to drown in a bathtub than to die from electrocution.
- More than 100 billion (give or take a few million) people have died in the history of the world.
- And last a really stupid death. Cynthia was a topless dancer who died while performing her famous act of jumping out of a cake. Unfortunately, the cake was well constructed and apparently airtight. Cynthia suffocated after waiting 90 minutes to surprise the lucky groom.
*****
GOTTA LOVE STATISTICS
I thought today I would take a different approach to limericks. I like posting them in categories like children’s limericks, medical limericks and of course the more interesting, body part limericks. So, I want to step away from all of those categories today and share a few called Limericks about Limericks. Here we go.
😋😋😋
A limerick tells of a scene
Which often is crude or obscene.
But, if smut’s what you’re after
To bring about laughter,
Then tough, because this one is clean!
😗😗😗
A limerick writer named Fred
Composed much of his work in his bed.
His poor wife declared
That she wouldn’t have cared,
But he tapped out the beat on her head!
🤩🤩🤩
No matter how grouchy you’re feeling,
You’ll find that a limerick’s quite healing.
It grows in a wreath
All around the front teeth,
Thus, preserving the face from congealing.
😫😫😫
There was an anthologist who
Has decided that nought is taboo.
Her words are so rude,
And her versus so lewd,
I’m sure they’d be appealing to you.
😵💫😵💫😵💫
THE WEEKEND IS IN SIGHT
For months I’ve been posting a collection of rather tame limericks written by and for children and young adults. While I certainly enjoy them, I still miss the naughtier limericks that I find absolutely hilarious. It’s true than many limericks are really crude and nasty but be sure those will never see the light of day on this blog. For today these limericks are:
RATED PG
Parental Guidance is Recommended
*****
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam.
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls and he had’em.
😍😍😍
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of long grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
😛😛😛
There once was an old man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a cane.
It was almost as long,
So he strolled with his dong
Extended in in sunshine and rain.
😎😎😎
There’s a charming young girl in Tobruk
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
It’s deep and it’s wide,
You could curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
💥
LET’S GET APRIL STARTED PROPERLY
Unfortunately I won’t be blogging about April Fool’s Day pranks but if you must know I was a hardworking, inventive, dedicated, and persistent prankster for most of my life. Enjoy the day and prank as many people as you can. It’s just so very satisfying.
I thought I would also post a number of trivia items that you normally wouldn’t see. My feeling is the more obscure the better. Here we go . . .
- Most healthy adults can go without eating for a month or longer. But they must drink at least two quarts of water a day.
- The Romans were so fond of eating mice that the upper classes raised them domestically. The rodents were kept in specially designed cages and fed a mixture of assorted nuts.
- When tea was first introduced in the American colonies, many housewives, in their ignorance, served the tea leaves with sugar or syrup after throwing away the water in which they had been boiled.
- The modern dinner plate is a fairly recent development. Until the fifteenth century, it was customary to eat on a thick slice of stale bread, called a “trencher,” that soaked up the juice.
- At the St. Louis World’s Fair in 1904, Richard Blechynden, an Englishman, had a tea concession. On one very hot day none of the fairgoers were interested in hot tea. In a desperate attempt for business, he served the tea cold – and invented iced tea.
- Kernels of popcorn were found in the graves of pre-Columbian Indians.
- To celebrate in 537 AD, the dedication of the new church, Hagia Sofia – Emperor Justinian held a banquet that caused the slaughtering of more than 10,000 sheep, oxen, swine, poultry, and deer.
- To make one pound of honey, bees must collect nectar from approximately two million flowers.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY
Any day is a good day for limericks whether they be bawdy, funny, or cute. Anything to make us smile a little is certainly worth the effort. Since we’ve all loved our years of school and our family pets, here are four related limericks and they’re relatively child friendly as well.
😈😈
A small boy when asked to spell “yacht,”
Most saucily said, “I will nacht.”
So his teacher in wrath,
Took a section of lath,
And warmed him up well on the spacht.
😠😠😠
A teacher whose spelling’s unique
Thus, wrote down the “Days of the Wique”:
The first he spelt “Sonday,”
The second day, “Munday”
And now a new teacher they sigue.
😖😖😖
A cat in despondency sighed,
And resolved to commit suicide.
He got under the wheels
of nine automobiles,
And after the last one he died.
😣😣😣
There was a young man from the city,
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat,
And said, “Nice little cat!”
And they buried his clothes out of pity.
😈😈
Enjoy Spring
I just love reading and listening to news and current events, not for their overwhelming truthfulness but for their misleading and sometimes stupid inaccuracies. Once upon a time the news was reported by actual journalists who dug up the information and submitted it to highly capable editors to keep things as accurate as possible. Unfortunately, these days we have a huge selection of news readers and talking heads with nice hair, big boobs, all handsome and beautiful, who all get their stories as reported to them by the general use wire services. They’re lucky if they can pronounce some of the words properly. Here are a few of my favorite headlines that are both ridiculous and ludicrous.
LARGER KANGAROOS LEAP FURTHER, RESEARCHERS FIND
ALCOHOL ADS PROMOTE DRINKING
CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
SURVEY FINDS DIRTIER SUBWAYS FTER CLEANING JOBS WERE CUT
SCIENTISTS SEE QUAKES IN L. A. FUTURE
MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE
I think these headlines have helped make my point. Pay close attention to all of those alleged reporters as you watch their multitude of news programs and opinion pieces!
To quote my ever so critical late father:
YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS S*** UP
I’ve been trying for days to post something but these damn storms are screwing up almost everything. Our power and internet returned today after 24 hours of silence and I wanted to post before the next catastrophe arrives.
*****
It feels good to be back to some semblance of normalcy. My first post-op inspection revealed my poor fractured ankle is on the mend. The doctor assures me that only five more weeks of a walker and wheelchair and I should be good to go. That news eases the pressure a little and makes getting back to this blog a little easier. I’ll be happy to provide a few limericks today to make you smile as little.
❤
A lisping young lady named JoBeth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”
😂😂😂
Therre was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The questions not woody, but could he?
😁😁😁
There once was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down,
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”
😜😜😜
A flatulent nun of Hawaii
One Easter eve supped on papaya,
Then honored the Passover
By turning her ass over
And obliging with Handel’s Messiah.
🤩🤩🤩
LIMERICKS HAVE RETURNED
Today’s history lesson contains a few unusual occurrences as recorded by European media during the last 100 years. They are quirky and strange but nonetheless true. After reading some of these you can understand how we Americans are at times a bit bizarre as well. We get it honestly from many previous generations from the Continent.
- On April 14, 1930, the Russian poet Vladimir Mayakovsky shot himself. In his suicide note he said, “I do not recommend it for others.”
- In 1931 the Spanish tennis player Lily de Alvarez Shop the tennis world when she appeared at Wimbledon wearing a divided skirt (culottes), the forerunner of shorts.
- On October 23, 1933, a temperature inversion trapped fog and smog over London, obliterating the sun and causing total darkness at midday.
- On December 24, 1935, the death of the avant-garde Austrian composer Alban Berg from an insect bite was reported.
- In 1936 King Edward VIII once avoided what he thought might be an awkward interview with his private secretary by jumping out of a window of Buckingham palace and running away to hide in the garden.
- On July 21, 1937, at six o’clock in the evening, all BBC transmitters and post office wireless telegraph and wireless telephone stations in the British Isles closedown for 2 minutes, to coincide with the funeral of Guglielmo Marconi the inventor of the radio.
- On June 1, 1938, the Hungarian playwright Odon von Horvath, who had lived in fear of being struck by lightning all of his life, was killed in Paris when a branch fell on his head during a thunderstorm.
- In 1939 a patent application was lodged for the “Wind Bag”, designed for receiving and storing gas formed by the digestion of foods. A tube linked the rectum led to a collection chamber, while the device was held in place under one’s clothes by a belt.
- In 1940 during the height of the German spy scare, a vicar’s daughter in Winchester reported the British officer billeted with them to the authorities on the grounds of his suspiciously foreign behavior. The man had failed to flush the toilet.
- On July 23, 1943, Eric Brown, blew up his paralyzed father by attaching a landmine to his wheelchair. He later explained to the court that he had not liked his father’s attitude. Brown was eventually declared insane.
I’ve posted about many odd and strange things that have taken place in the United States, and I think it’s only fair that these postings today give our European forefathers credit for some of their weirdness.
BE WEIRD, BE ODD, AND BE PROUD
It’s time for me to try and convince you non-limerick lovers that they can be something other than lewd and bawdy. They’re fun to create and even more fun to read when written by members of the younger generations. Here are a few written by and for children. Enjoy!
There once was a young chap from Eugene.
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat and compressed
That his back met his chest,
And, viewed sideways, he couldn’t be seen!
😗😗😗
A sea serpent saw a big tanker.
Bit a hole in its side and then sank her.
He swallowed the crew
In a minute or two,
And then picked his teeth with the anchor.
😊😊😊
There was a young bather from Bewes,
Who reclined on the banks of the Ouse.
His radio blared,
And passers-by stared,
For all he had on was the news!
🙃🙃🙃
There are men in the village of Erith
Whom nobody seeth or heareth.
They spend hours afloat
In a flat-bottomed boat,
Which nobody roweth or steereth.
🤩🤩🤩
And here’s one final extra limerick for a nurse I once knew.
Believe me, this limerick is understating her illness. LOL
❤️
Jo Beth went to the doctor last night,
Rather hoping he’d help with her plight.
What she said, whilst bent double.
“It’s farting that’s the trouble.”
And what did he give her? A kite!
*****
DON’T WORRY, THE WEEKEND IS IN SIGHT
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