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Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
05/23/2023 💀💀”Graveyards”💀💀
05/20/2023 “A Pirate History Lesson” 1 comment
“DOCK ELLIS”
Being born and raised in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania requires from an early age that you be a Steeler fan and a Pirates fan. I guess I’m kind of a fair-weather fan and have staunchly followed the Steelers passionately for decades. The Pirates not so much. They’ve had a few good years here and there from the 1960 World Championship to the years with Willie Stargel and his teammates. They’ve attempted over the years to obtain players with high expectations i.e. Dave Parker, with little or no success. Today I’ll tell you a short story about one of their outstanding choices, Dock Ellis.
In June of 1970 the Pirates finished a two-game series in San Francisco and were enroute to San Diego, and it was not Ellise’s turn to pitch. He spent the day prior in Los Angeles with friends, relaxing, and dropping acid. It wasn’t until the morning of the 12th that his friend’s girlfriend told him the Pirates had a doubleheader in San Diego that afternoon and because of the extra game, Ellis was expected to take the mound. He hopped onto a shuttle and made it to the ballpark just in time to start his game. Through the nine innings he pitched, he struck out six batters, walked eight, but gave up no hits and won the game, 2-0. He later stated “I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I was zeroed in on the catcher’s glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters, and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t.”
Ellis was known as an “odd duck” when he showed up at pregame warmups wearing hair curlers. It took an order from the Commissioner of Baseball to stop the madness. He had incredible pitching skills with a superhuman and high velocity fastball. In 1974, while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds, he hoped to motivate his team by taking aim at the other teams’ players – literally. In the first inning alone, he beaned three players (including Pete Rose) before throwing the ball behind Hall of Fame catcher Johnny Bench’s head, after which he was promptly removed from the game.
Since the Pirates are having a moderately successful season this year, I can only assume they’ve stopped using the same set of requirements that brought them Dock Ellis. I’m yet to be convinced like so many die-hard fans seem to be. I’ll wait and see like I’ve done for decades with my fingers crossed and my head firmly buried in the sand.
*****
GOOD LUCK BUCS
“Show me what you’ve got.”
05/16/2023 “SPORTS ODDITIES” Leave a comment
It seems that sports are on everyone’s mind currently between basketball finals, the NFL draft, and the newly published NFL season schedules for 2024. I thought I’d participate a little myself. I like some sports but not all, but I like humorous and odd stories regardless of the sport even more. Today I’m going to touch on golf and baseball for some interesting trivia and a few smiles and laughs.
Harpo Marx
George Burns
Hillcrest Country Club in California has long been a favorite of Hollywood entertainers. One August day comedians George Burns and Harpo Marx came to the club to play a round of golf. The thermometer registered over 100° and the two decided to play without their shirts. But then the course officials heard about the shirtless golfers and rushed out to find them. “Rules are rules, you can’t play without a shirt and there are no exceptions.” they exclaimed. The comedians put their shirts back on and started to play. The officials made their way back to the clubhouse. A few minutes later, someone came rushing in with the news, “Burns and Marx are playing without their pants!” Again, the committee raced out to the course and sure enough Burns and Marx had their shirts on, but they had removed her pants were playing in their undershorts. Harpo Marx reminded the committee of the rulebook. It says we can’t play without shirts. But show me the rule that says we can’t play without pants. The officials were licked, and they knew it. There and then a new rule was made: All-male players could take off their shirts, but they had to wear pants at all times. I love it when a plan comes together.
Henry Heitman
If there is a record for the shortest major league career by a pitcher, it belongs to a right-handed pitcher named Henry Heitman. On July 27, 1918, Heitmann started a game for the Brooklyn Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals. The first four batters all hit safely and Heitmann was sent to the showers immediately. A few days later he enlisted in the United States Navy and never played major-league baseball again. That’s what I call a short career.
Bobby Jones
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem. One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that was resting on top of a workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the shoe, he found a novel solution to his problem. He played the shoe. The immortal Bobby smacked the shoe which flew off the wheelbarrow and the ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped onto the green and holed out for a par. Professionals always find a way.
ALWAYS MAINTAIN A HEALTHY SENSE OF HUMOR
05/14/2023 💥💥Limerick Alert💥💥 Leave a comment
It’s been quite a while since I posted a Limerick Alert due in part to my semi-invalid status these last few months. Now that I’ve been cleared by the doctors once again I can freely move around my residence without the need of a wheelchair, walker, or a cane. I feel like a new man even though I will have to learn how to walk properly all over again. These limericks are always humorous as they were written by children for children and they’re all extremely well done. These are rated G and are safe for children.
By Marion Swinger
An unfortunate schoolboy named Pete
Had extremely malodorous feet.
If he waggled one sock,
The olfactory shock
Could empty the average street!
😋😋😋
By Rebecca Telford
There was a brown dog named Spot
Who tied up his tail with a knot,
To remember his bone
Which he’d left back at home
When he sometimes went out for a trot.
😁😁😁
By John Hegley
There once was an organic leek
That had managed to learn how to speak.
At the sight of a knife,
It would fear for its life,
And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!
😊😊😊
By Catherine Osborne
There was an old fellow from Pinner
Whose wife became thinner and thinner.
He told her, “My dear,
You’ll soon disappear,
Stop slimming, start eating your dinner!”
*****
ENJOY !
05/11/2023 “MISH MOSH” Leave a comment
DID YOU KNOW??
- The Empire State Building is struck by lightning approximately 23 times every year.
- The oldest recipe still in existence is of course, a recipe for beer found in Iraq from 3900 years ago.
- If you counted 24 hours a day. It would take 31,688 years to reach 1 trillion.
- The medical name for a butt crack is “intergluteal cleft”.
- Before the term “Bloopers” was coined, outtakes in television, movies, and radio were called “Boners”.
- Viagra, when dissolved in water, can make cut flowers stay erect for up to a week longer than they usually would.
- More Monopoly money is printed in a year, then real money is printed throughout the world. Parker Brothers reports it prints around $30 billion in Monopoly money a year.
- 7 UP, invented in 1920, originally contained lithium, the drug commonly prescribed currently for sufferers of bipolar disorder.
- 2003 was the year that “bootylicious” and “bitch-slap” were added to the dictionary.
- It’s estimated that 70 to 80% of all the dust in people’s homes is actually made up of dead skin cells.
👮🏻♂️👮🏻♂️👮🏻♂️
Being a former cop this fact makes me smile every time I read it.
A California man obtained a personalized license plate that said in plain English:
“NO PLATE”
He received more than 2500 parking tickets.
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
04/29/2023 “MY FAVORITE SAYINGS” 4 comments
If you’ve read this blog at all you already know I’m a bit of a hoarder of adages, phrases, idioms, and anything else that interests me. Today I’ll supply you with a list of twenty-five of my favorite sayings. Some are quotes from well-known people, but most are ones that I picked up along the way from whoever was lucky enough to speak them to me. Maybe you’ll find a few that tickle your fancy or your funny bone or both. Enjoy.
- Everyone Lies About Sex
- Religious men are fools! Fools should be taken lightly.
- A parent is a little kid pretending to be a big kid so his little kid won’t be afraid.
- Being involved with two women is like playing pool on two tables. You may have enough balls for it but you’ll wear out your stick.
- The ten best years of a woman’s life are between the ages of twenty-nine and thirty.
- When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
- A yawn is a silent shout.
- The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom respectable.
- They are no premature babies, only delayed weddings.
- There’s always free cheese in a mousetrap.
- Chastity is curable if detected early.
- If Christian nations were nations of Christians, there would be no wars.
- Colleges don’t make fools, they only develop them.
- Common sense could prevent most divorces and all marriages.
- It is not death that alarms me but dying.
- A diplomat is a person who always remembers a women’s birthday, but never her age.
- In wine there is truth.
- He who hesitates is last.
- It’s not the men in my life I worry about, it’s the life in my men.
- A pessimist thinks all women are bad. An optimist hopes they are.
- The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while masturbating.
- Sex is only dirty, if its done right.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- I prefer an interesting vice to a boring virtue.
- I am not young enough to know everything.
DID YOU FIND ANY YOU LIKED?
04/27/2023 “A BRISK Tale” 1 comment
As you should know by now, I enjoy things odd, strange, but still interesting. I’ll tell you a short tale of my first trip outside of my home in some weeks. Since fracturing my ankle I’ve been hobbling around in the house wearing a ten-pound plastic boot and using a walker to move around. I should also mention that I drive a Smart car. It’s very difficult to fit me and my big ugly plastic boot behind the wheel of that little car. Therefor it was necessary that I become a passenger while my better-half took the wheel for a short shopping trip. I was stuck in the car because it was impossible for me to walk around a Walmart, and I absolutely refuse to use one of those electric monstrosities available for the injured and obese. Even when I was in the best of health, I never liked shopping there. Here’s my Brisk tale of my Walmart parking lot safari.
*****
My tale begins as I sat in my car watching a wild and crazy assortment of people wandering through the parking lot. The wind was howling, and I caught sight of a yellow empty can four aisles over rolling on the ground. As I watched, the wind blew it into traffic in that aisle and the stupid can avoided at least four vehicles and then continued rolling towards my aisle. My interest waned a bit and I began reading my Kindle. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that damn yellow can blow out from under another parked car and into the aisle three rows away. It was again missed by all of the traffic in that aisle and stopped dead in an open area.
I started fantasying that the can knew where it was going, and the wind was helping it get there. The wind kicked up once more and the can took a weird track thorough the next aisle and stopped right next to a car. An Asian fellow who had just parked his car, saw the can and gave it a kick as he walked by. The can ignored the abuse and with another gust of wind continued its journey into the next aisle. Now I was getting more interested on what the final fate of the can might be. In the next aisle a car sped by and the passing wind from the car blew the can across that aisle landing it fifteen feet from my car and ending up in a shopping cart corral. It appeared stuck there, so I returned to my reading.
Ten minutes later this giant Walmart employee with his cute little vest appeared next to my car to empty the corral. He looked pissed off and began pulling carts from here and there and fortunately for the can, he dislodged it. He stormed off mumbling to himself (probably how much he hated Walmart) and left the area. The wind gusted again and believe it or not that can rolled right over to my car and stopped next to the passenger side door where I was sitting. I’m not a believer in fate but I just knew I had to give that can some assistance before it was destroyed. I opened the door and put the empty can in my pocket and took it home with me. It’s now sitting on a shelf in my garage taking a well-earned vacation from all of the human dangers it had faced and survived. During our next shopping foray, I’ll return it to the wild to continue its journey. Maybe I’ll do it a real favor and drop it off at Home Goods, it’s a much better neighborhood and a cleaner parking lot.
AND THAT’S MY TALE
04/22/2023 🤢DISGUSTING TRIVIA🤢 2 comments
I’ve always tried to supply my readers with a varied list of trivia subjects. This one is probably the most disgusting collection of trivia facts I’ve found. If you think you’ve heard everything, think again, because this list will prove you wrong. I apologize in advance to those of you who are easily shocked or disturbed. Read the first item and if you’re still shocked and disturbed, turn off your computer and go watch some reality TV. These are not for the faint of heart.
- Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
- Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
- The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
- Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
- In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7feet, 1 inch.
- This drink is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a ‘Cunt Pump’.
- Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
- The longest dump ever verified was produced by Jeff Tomlinson, who produced a ‘staggering ‘turd’ over a period of 2 hours 12 minutes which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 toilets in his hometown.
- Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 minutes 42 seconds.
NOW YOU’VE HEARD IT ALL
You’re Welcome!
04/20/2023 😵💫”The Millennial Decade”😵💫 2 comments
Here are a few samples of some silly things that prompt many of the posts I write on current societal changes. Some I’ve personally experienced, and others were reported to me by friends, readers, and co-workers. God help us all.
- In a semi-rural area. a new neighbor called the local town hall administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
- Once at a local Taco Bell a taco was ordered. I requested “minimal lettuce.” The server said he was sorry, but they only had “Iceberg”.
- At the airport check-in an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything into your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
- The stoplight at the intersection buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine (in my opinion), when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
- At a good-bye lunch for a coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken.
- I once worked with an individual who plugged her computer power strip back into itself and couldn’t understand why her system wouldn’t turn on.
- Upon arriving at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. The service department had a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open.” The young man answered, “I already got that side.”
IT’S A MILLENNIAL SPRING
I Feel Better Already
04/19/2023 “Terminal Statistics” 2 comments
I’m a huge fan of statistics. No matter how you shake them out you can always get them to support your idea. I know because I’ve done it a few times myself and they made me look awfully smart. So, when I see information published and supported by statistics, I can’t wait to see how silly they are and how they might have been manipulated. Here are a few that made me smile.
- You’re unlikely to kill yourself by attempting suicide. Fewer than one in twenty-five suicide attempts are successful unless your a senior citizen. They take it more serious with a success rate of one in four.
- More than 70% of serious injuries at American colleges and universities are caused by cheerleading.
- You have a better chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
- You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with tap water.
- It’s more likely you will die from your pajamas catching fire than from the bite of a venomous spider.
- Mosquitos are the deadliest animal on earth causing human deaths at 600,000 per year.
- More people are killed each year by freshwater snails than by salt-water crocodiles.
- You’re slightly more likely to drown in a bathtub than to die from electrocution.
- More than 100 billion (give or take a few million) people have died in the history of the world.
- And last a really stupid death. Cynthia was a topless dancer who died while performing her famous act of jumping out of a cake. Unfortunately, the cake was well constructed and apparently airtight. Cynthia suffocated after waiting 90 minutes to surprise the lucky groom.
*****
everyuselessthing.com 