An airplane flying from Houston to Chicago had a very close call. For a while it seemed they were doomed to crash to fiery destruction, but at the last minute the pilot got it under control and landed safely. Out of the plane came 200 midgets. An onlooker said, “I never saw so many midgets in my life.” Said another, “Those aren’t midgets. Those are Texans with the shit scared out of them.
In Hollywood, it is not enough for you to succeed; your friends must fail.
As per Yogi, “You can observe a great deal just by watching.”
Who doesn’t like stereotypes? A Texan had just had a baby son, and he was passing out enormous cigars. “Likeliest little varmint you ever saw,” he said proudly. “He weighs twenty-seven pounds.” Two weeks later, the friend met him and said, “How’s the kid?” “Fine,” said the Texan. “The little tyke weighs sixteen pounds.” The friend looked puzzled. “Why, when he was born you said he weighed twenty-seven pounds.” “I know.” said the Texan, “but we had him circumcised.”
There once was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the maid, “Cease your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming.”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me!”
At the zoo, a curious woman said to one of those who tended the animals, “How do you tell a male hippopotamus from a female hippopotamus?” The keeper said, “We don’t really have to, ma’am. The hippopotamuses figure it out for themselves.”
There is a story that Mussolini was once stranded in a small town in Italy when his car broke down, To pass the time, he visited a local movie house. Came the newsreel, and, of course, his own face flashed on the screen.
Everyone in the movie house stood up, but Mussolini, feeling tired and feeling no compulsion to stand up in his own honor, remained seated. Whereupon the man next to him whispered, “I feel exactly as you do, but take my advice and stand up. It’s safer.”
Everyone wants a good life. As I sat thinking about it recently, I felt a few commonsense rules were needed. I’ve been around a very long time and have collected ideas from many sources that assisted me in creating this list. I’m no genius but if you follow this list, I guarantee your life will improve dramatically.
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Talk slow, think fast. Remember that great loves and great successes also hold great risks. Call your mom. Respect yourself, respect others and take responsibility for your actions. When you’ve made a mistake, Correct it!
Eat plenty of whole rice. Always give people more than they expect. Be able to sing your favorite song. Don’t believe anything you hear and half of what you see. When you say, “I love you”, mean it!
Pet your pets. Spend some time alone. Accept change but maintain your values. At times, silence is the best answer. Read more books!
Learn all the rules, and then break a few. Trust everyone . . . but always lock your car. Do not bring up the past. Good fences sometimes make for good neighbors. Don’t trust anyone who fails to close their eyes when they kiss you.
Only swear when absolutely necessary. When you say, “I’m sorry”, say it with eye contact. Believe in love at first sight. Honor your body, treat it like a temple. Fight fair.
I’ve had the pleasure and misfortune to have spent nearly twenty years working in and with the criminal justice organizations in Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and Maine. I always thought the system had its flaws, how could it not? Your days are filled with an endless supply of criminals and an endless supply of criminal attorneys. Yikes!! I always laughed when I heard some of the older police and judges say Criminal Justice was the ultimate oxymoron. I’ve since discovered they weren’t kidding. The information in today’s post was taken from the annals of numerous courts and are true. You may find them hard to believe but they are. There are a million stories in the naked city and most of them are directly related to the Criminal Justice system. When in doubt plead total ignorance.
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Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
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Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.
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Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
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Attorney: So, the date of your baby’s conception was August 8th?
The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally
amusing effect, as in, for example, “dance a flamingo” (instead of flamenco).
Today’s posting will be a shout out to all of those educators that spend so much of their time attempting to teach our younger generations anything. It’s a difficult job on the good days and it’s even worse on the bad days. I thought I’d list a selection of what are called malaprops taken from actual test papers and essays from some grade schoolers, high schoolers, and selected college examinations. These are things of beauty.
Women like to do things in circles, where they sew, talk, and do their meddling.
“Don’t” is a contraption.
Italics are what Italians write in.
The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
Antarctica is like the regular Arctic, but ritzier.
He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
You purify water by filtering it and then forcing it through an aviator.
The doctor felt the man’s purse and said there was no hope.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
The first book of the Bible is a book of Guinness’s.
I’m not entirely sure why being “first” is so important to so many of us. Everyone wants to be “first” not just in sporting events, but damn near everything. I was the “first” kid in my family to go to college, and it gave my parents something they used to impress their friends. I was also the “first” in the family to drop out of college and join the Army. I sure didn’t get any kudos for that move. Today I decided to research some “firsts” not just from the United States but worldwide. This is also the “first” time I’ve written about “firsts” on this blog. Let me be the “first” to congratulate myself for that.
Barbra Streisand’s first performance was as a chocolate chip cookie.
The first song Bruce Springsteen ever learned to play on the guitar was The Rolling Stones, “It’s All Over Now.”
The first ready to eat breakfast cereal was Shredded Wheat in 1893 (it beat Kellogg’s Corn Flakes by just five years).
The first scientifically planned slimming diet was devised in 1862 by Dr. Harvey, an ear specialist, for an overweight undertaker. At that time dieting was initially something that only men did, and women didn’t start to do it until they stopped wearing figure-altering corsets.
The first dry cleaning was done in 1849 by a Monsieur Jolly-Bellin of France, who discovered the process by mistake when he upset a lamp over a newly laundered tablecloth and found that the part that was covered with alcohol from the lamp was cleaner than the rest.
Peter Sellers was the first male to ever be featured on the cover of Playboy.
Cuba Gooding Jr’s first job was as a dancer for Lionel Richie at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics.
The world’s first traffic island was installed – at his own expense – by Colonel Pierrepoint outside his London club. It’s also ironic that he was later killed crossing over to it.
Courtney Cox was the first person on U.S. TV ever to use the word period in an ad for Tampax.
Gustav Mahler composed his first piece of music at the age of four, Sergei Prokofiev composed his first piece of music at age five, and Wolfgang Mozart was just eight when he composed his first symphony.
I was recently watching an English comedian who had me laughing until I cried. His whole shtick was pointing out how badly people misinterpret lyrics in songs. It was truly ingenious, and I thought today I would pass along a few of those samples to help you to determine how badly you’ve been hearing them. The highlighted quotes are the incorrect lyrics most commonly misheard followed by the performer and the album or song. It’s all just fun and games so enjoy.
“Sleep in heavenly peas.” The Christmas Carol, Silent Night.
“There’s a bathroom on the right.” Creedence Clearwater Revival, Bad Moon Rising
“Excuse me while I kiss this guy.” Jimi Hendrix, Purple Haze
“Dead ants are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind.” Bob Dylan, Blowing in the Wind
“Donuts make my Brown eyes blue.” Crystal Gale, Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
“Midnight after your wasted.” Maria Muldaur, Midnight at the Oasis
“She’s got a chicken to ride.” The Beatles, Ticket to Ride
“You and me and Leslie.” The Rascals, Groovin’
“Baking carrot biscuits.” Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Taking Care of Business
“Just brush my teeth before you leave me.” Juice Newton, Angel of the Morning
Everyone seems to love weird facts and even weirder trivia. I try to distribute as much of that nonsense as I possibly can, and today will be no different. The following facts you may know, or you may have heard of before but in general they’re a little different.
Pres. Lyndon B. Johnson enjoyed the soft drink Fresca so much that he had a special tap installed in the White House for his use.
The ideal knuckleball should complete less than one single rotation on its way to home plate. Its erratic path is created by the difference in air molecules traveling over the baseball seams and smooth surfaces.
Ice skaters skate on water, not ice. At 32°F, ice has a liquid surface measuring 400 billionths of a meter thick. Below -31°F, the liquid layer becomes so thin that the skater’s blades would stick rather than glide across the ice.
The Puritans founded America’s first college, bookstore, and newspaper.
The percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had to do it all over again is 80%. The percentage of American women who say the same is 50%.
There are 2,598,960 possible hands in Texas Hold’em.
The word salary comes from the Latin “salarium” meaning “payment in salt.” Roman soldiers were paid partially in salt, a highly valuable commodity at the time.
High quality crystal produces a clear ringing sound when struck, hence the phrase “crystal clear.”
To actually see a rainbow, you must have your back to the sun.
Human foreskins discarded after circumcision are sold to biomedical companies for use in artificial skin manufacture. One foreskin contains enough genetic material to grow 250,000 ft.² of new skin. They are also used as a “secret ingredient” in popular anti-wrinkle gels.
I’ve never really understood or cared why the Fourth of July is called Independence Day. I know it’s the celebration of the signing of the Declaration of Independence but in this day and age who really cares? It’s just become another excuse to have a long weekend and a day off and to drink and party and be foolish. It seems to me that only a very small percentage of the country really understands what is being celebrated on the Fourth of July.
Many years ago, while on a long weekend to Cape Cod I purchased a T-shirt in a shop in Provincetown. The minute I saw the shirt I knew I had to have it. I continued to wear it for years until it fell apart. I have since purchased another and wear it proudly. It’s a short statement of fact that I’m proud to wear across my chest, “I love my country and fear our government.” A simple yet true statement and even truer today than when I bought it. Mixing politics with patriotism is a dangerous thing and it still scares the hell out of me. Relying on our current crop of inept politicians to keep this county secure and on the right path is frightening at best. For me the Fourth of July is a bogus holiday. We should celebrate it on February 29 (Leap Year), every four years. Here is sample of how one of the Founding Fathers felt about it.
Did you know? John Adams believed that July 2nd was the correct date on which to celebrate the birth of American independence, and would reportedly turn down invitations to appear at July 4th events in protest.
It apparently wasn’t considered an American Holy Day back then. Those poor politicians hadn’t yet discovered the essentials needed to celebrate properly, charcoal brickettes, gas grills, and an endless supply of alcohol and weed. Mix all of that together with a few idiot politicians and you’ve got a real current-day Independence Day celebration.
Being a lover of baseball for most of my life I try to find unusual stories in a game that has been around forever. In most sports you see some games that are considered “tied” with overtime then ordered and special rules making it rather annoying at times. I decided to find out if there ever was truly a tied game in professional baseball. Believe it or not I found that game and coincidentally it involves my home team the Pittsburgh Pirates. Here’s the story.
On August 13, 1910, the Pittsburgh Pirates played the Brooklyn Dodgers. After nine innings the game was tied, but darkness stopped play. The nine inning statistics showed that each team had scored eight runs on 13 hits and committed two errors. Both clubs had sent 38 men to the plate, both sets of fielders were credited with 27 putouts and 12 assists. There were five strikeouts recorded against each team, and each side had given up three walks. It was the evenest game ever played.
Many things occurred in the early years of baseball and were funny and ridiculous at times. Sometimes the players were funny and just as many times the managers were even funnier. Here’s a story from the 1880’s concerning the antics of Brooklyn club president Charles R Byrnes.
What happens when the team doesn’t like one of their own players? Pitcher Johnny “Phenomenal” Smith of Brooklyn found out that it doesn’t pay to be too cocky. Smith was a rookie, and he boasted about his skills at every opportunity. On June 17, 1885, when Smith was pitching, his teammates decided to teach him a valuable lesson. They committed 20 errors, and the Brooklyn team was defeated, 18-5. Phenomenal Smith was angry, but Brooklyn club president Charles Byrnes was even angrier. He threatened to fire every player on the team if they tried such a stunt again. The following day Brooklyn won the game and committed no errors. That’s what I call a serious pep talk.
More weirdness from the human race. There seems to be an endless supply and I’m going to eventually post all of it.
The human eye can see only about 3000 stars on the clearest night, even though there are more than 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.
One medieval theory to explain why a dunked witch would not float was that witches deliberately ate foods that make them fart. The gas would build up in their guts, making them lighter than air, so they could fly.
In Europe in the Middle Ages it was believed that there were over 7 million demons in the air, which could be inhaled or swallowed and would cause disease or make a corpse turned into a vampire.
Thomas Edison filed 1093 patents, including those for the lightbulb, electric railways, and the movie camera. When he died in 1931, he held 34 patents for the telephone, 141 for batteries, 150 for the telegraph, and 389 patents for electric lights and power.
No pain, no gain – in their quest for an hour-glass figure, some of Victorian women wore their corsets so tight that they suffered broken ribs.
During the Middle Ages, mummies became enormously popular as medicine. At first the resin-soaked bandages were thought to be health giving, but eventually the whole mummy, bones, flesh, and all, was ground up and sold to people who would eat it.
Sleepwalking, also known as somnambulism, effects approximately 18% of the world’s population. People are capable of doing all sorts of things while in their sleep, including eating, bathing, and dressing. Some subjects have been recorded driving cars and committing murder while technically asleep.
According to the World Toilet Organization, the average person visits the toilet about 6 to 8 times a day, or 2500 times a year, and spends three years of his or her life sitting on the toilet.
Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting or of being around others who are vomiting. It is the fifth most common phobia according to the International Emetophobia Society.
Diabetes can lead to high levels of sugar in the urine. Before simple test for sugar levels were made available, doctors would taste their patient’s urine to see if it was sweet.
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