Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
I don’t know about you but I’m a bit of a foodie. As like everyone else I have certain foods that I absolutely love but very few that I dislike. I like trying new things and I’ve eaten some things I regret. I spent two years in Korea and inadvertently ate dog soup and spring rolls made with cat. Those for sure I don’t recommend because the resulting projectile vomiting ruined my meal. With that disgusting thought in mind, I felt a post on food trivia was called for. Eat up . . .
- Chocolate was once considered a temptation of the devil. In Central American mountain villages during the 18th century, no one under the age of 60 was permitted to drink it, and churchgoers who defied this rule were threatened with excommunication.
- Vinegar was the strongest acid known to the ancients.
- Most healthy adults can go without eating anything for a month or longer. But they must drink at least 2 quarts of water a day.
- A herd of mountain sheep in Alberta, the Canadian province, has been in danger of being killed off. The herd neglects the normal grass diet in favor of the candy and other junk food offered by tourists. The animals are losing weight, and the females may not be producing enough high-quality milk.
- When tea was first introduced in the American colonies, many housewives, in their ignorance, served the tea leaves with sugar or syrup after throwing away the water in which they’d been boiled.
- The annual harvest of an entire coffee tree is required for a single pound of ground coffee. Every tree bears up to 6 pounds of beans, which are reduced to a pound after the beans are roasted and ground.
- The Manhattan cocktail – whiskey and sweet vermouth – was invented by Jenny Jerome, the beautiful New Yorker who was the toast of the town until she went to England as the wife of Lord Randolph Churchill, in 1874, and shortly thereafter gave birth to Winston.
- A highway 55 feet wide and 6 feet thick that’s built entirely of grain and stretches around the world at the equator – that’s how much the world’s annual consumption of grain comes to: 1.2 billion metric tons.
- Kernels of popcorn were found in the graves of pre-Colombian Indians.
- While Europeans in the 16th century did not live by bread alone, it can be said they almost lived by grain alone. Beer and ale, both derived from grain, were consumed in vast quantities. Dutch soldiers on campaign in 1582 received 2 gallons a day. Queen Elizabeth’s men got only one.
FOODIES RULE ! !
After my raucous celebration of Earth Day, I thought a little humor would improve my morning. It’s only right that if I’m having a good morning, I should pass along some of that goodness to you. Here’s a short joke to start things off.
Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex? “Are you done?”
Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? “Honey, I’m home.”
I thoroughly enjoyed this joke which made me laugh out loud when I read it. Who doesn’t love sheep?
🐏🐏🐏
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a local vet for some help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what that means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into the back of his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
In the morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing as they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and again loads them into the truck. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back home and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still standing around. Out of frustration he again proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls totally exhausted into bed.
Morning arrives and he can’t even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if any of the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No”, she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
KEEP SMILING PERVERTS
When I started this blog many years ago it took me a while to come up with a proper name. Once the decision was made to call it “every useless thing” I was hooked into providing as many weird and unusual facts as I could find. I’ve created a rather large library of totally useless information and it’s my pride and joy. If I’ve calculated properly, I have enough facts and trivia to continue this blog for 10 more years and never repeat the same item twice. I get to find them and post them, and unfortunately you get to read them. Here we go . . .
- Reese Witherspoon has two pet donkeys.
- Keanu Reeves was born in Lebanon.
- The iconic mask used in the 1978 horror film Halloween was a plastic Captain Kirk mask from Star Trek, spray-painted white and with its eyeholes enlarged.
- The S. S. Minnow of Gilligan’s Island fame was named after former chairman of the FCC, Newton Minnow, who considered television to be a “vast wasteland.
- The maiden name of Betty rubble from the Flintstones show was Betty Jean McBricker.
- To complete the pair, the maiden name of Wilma Flintstone was Wilma Slaghoopel.
- In the United States, the last year that somebody officially died of “old age” was 1951 That’s the last year “old age” was listed on death certificates. It’s now referred to as death by “natural causes.”
- Robert Williams is the first known person to be killed by a robot. He worked at a Ford automobile factory and was struck in the head by a robot in 1979.
- Amalie Auguste Melitta Benz was the un-famous inventor of the coffee filter.
- The first mechanically sliced loaf of bread was sold under the famous Wonder Bread brand in 1930.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON
I’m feeling the need for some limericks today. I recently came across a book that I picked up at an on-line thrift bookstore and it was a former Boise Public Library book with a date of 2015. It’s a book of limericks written by children for children and some of them are priceless. With that in mind here are four that I particularly liked. I hope you will too.
A teacher of English, Ms. White,
Whose students got everything right,
Would put on her shades
As she wrote down her grades
Because all of her kids were so bright.
😉😉😉
“Ahoy!” Said a pirate named Marrrrty,
Who was fun loving, healthy, and hearrrrty.
“I believe it’s my duty
To go shake my booty,
Cause nothing is more fun than a parrrrty!”
🤪🤪🤪
Said little first grader Pam Plunkett,
“The past tense of ‘shrink it’ is ‘shrunk it.”
Told, “Yes, that is true!
“Just who taught that to you?”
She said, “Not really sure, I just thunk it.”
🤗🤗🤗
A French chef we all call Miss Margo
Cooks lunch at our school here in Fargo.
But we wouldn’t eat
Any yucky frog meat,
So she makes something’ she calls “S cargo.”
*****
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN CLEARY
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They first went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed somewhat bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked. “I want to be weighed,” she said. So, the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “112 lbs,” said the man at the scale, and he was obviously right. Next, they took a ride on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do. “I want to be weighed,” she said again. I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?” “It was “Wousy,” said the girl.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed with corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor. “Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Fritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY . . .
AND MAYBE A LITTLE NAKED AS WELL
I’ve been a baseball lover my whole life. I have a hard time watching baseball games these days because it’s always been more fun to play than to watch. Thank God for highlights provided on the Internet which makes watching much more pleasant. I was born in the Pittsburgh area and was required to be a rabid Pirates fan by my father and grandfathers. Unfortunately, the team has been a serious disappointment for the last twenty or so years. I still follow the team but not too closely anymore. Maybe that would change if the management of the team ever decides to pry open their fat wallets and spend a little extra money for next level players.
I’m also big into trivia and as I’m surfing the net or reading books, I constantly look for baseball trivia. Fortunately, or unfortunately some of the greatest stories were from the early years of the game before rule changes that made it impossible for players to show much emotion. The current whinny umpires are a tad too sensitive for my liking and really need their moms to show up and hug them. Those nasty baseball players are just soooooooo mean and they apparently hurt the poor umpires’ feelings. Just step-up guys and grow a pair!!! If it’s too upsetting for you – get the hell out of the business. They are one of the reasons that will eventually cause the league to turn over all umpiring duties to computers.
Here are a few trivia facts for you for a taste of baseball at its best.
- One of the most popular baseball players of the 1880’s was a catcher-outfielder named Michael Joseph “King” Kelly, who played for Cincinnati, Chicago, New York and Boston. Kelly was a good hitter and a great baserunner. When he tried to steal a base his fans would shout, “Slide, Kelly, Slide!” This phrase was soon printed in the newspapers and made Kelly famous. Kelly was also an alert ballplayer who was always looking for a way to get an advantage over the other team. One day, when he was sitting on the bench, an opposing batter hit a high foul ball that none of Kelly’s teammates would be able to catch. Kelly leaped off the bench and went after the ball. At the same time, he was shouting to the umpire, “Kelly now catching!” Kelly caught the ball, but the umpire refused to allow the catch. “It’s not against the rules,” Kelly declared. “It says in the book that substitutions can be made any time.” The umpire still wouldn’t call the batter out. But Kelly was right. That winter, a new rule was written into the book. Because of Kelly’s alert play, the new rule said that a player could not enter the game while the ball is in play.
- On August 13, 1910, the Pittsburgh Pirates played the Brooklyn Dodgers. After nine innings the game was tied, but darkness stopped play. The nine-inning statistics showed that each team had scored 8 runs on 13 hits and committed 2 errors. Both clubs had sent 38 men to the plate, with both sets of fielders credited with 27 put-outs and 12 assists. There were 5 strikeouts recorded against each team, and each side had given up three walks. It was the evenest game ever played.
- One day in a Southern League game a batter for Knoxville smashed a long, high fly to center field. Arnie Moser, the centerfielder for Nashville, ran all the way to the scoreboard. The ball was over Moser’s head, and he leaped for it but missed. The ball hit the scoreboard and came down. Moser also hit the scoreboard but did not come down. His belt had caught on a wooden peg, and he was hanging helplessly on the fence, unable to chase the ball and get it back to the infield. Moser’s teammate left-fielder Oris Hockett came racing over to back-up the play. “I’m stuck! Get me down!” yelled Moser. Hockett looked up at his friend, looked for the ball, and looked at the runner rounding second base. He had to make a choice quickly. “Get me down!” yelled Mosier again. “Wait a minute”! hollered Hockett. He picked up the ball and threw it back to the infield to keep the runner from scoring. Only then did he go back to the fence and help get Arnie Moser off the scoreboard peg.
GIVE ME THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS
(The umpires sucked a little but didn’t whine)
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. We had a bit of sunshine yesterday and I had my first hour of deck time without freezing my ass off. But unfortunately, today things have returned to what is normal for March. I just needed something today to make me smile and these jokes were just what the doctor ordered so I thought I’d share them with you.
😁😁😁
A trucker had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and woman lying naked in the center of the road, making love. He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked up to the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing my horn? You could’ve been killed!” The man on lying on the highway, obviously satisfied and unconcerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
😹😹😹
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo”.
🤪🤪🤪
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late because the man had died. While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that their bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady calmly replied, “Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing around the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
😂😂😂
Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.
😉😉😉
Two guys are camping. They are having a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, “I just got bitten by a snake on the tip of my penis.” The other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’ll go into town and ask a doctor what to do.” So, the guy goes to the nearest town and after 30 minutes finds a doctor. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, my friend just got bitten by a snake. What should I do?” The doctor says, “All you have to do is suck the poison out.” So, the friend returns to the campsite where his friend is lying on the ground whimpering. He asks, “So what did the doctor say?” The friend says, “I’m sorry but the doctor says you’re going to die!
🙂🙂🙂
Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
*****
HAVE A CHUCKLE OR TWO
In my younger days I considered myself a scratch golfer. I played with many of my friends, family, and people I worked with for years and always had a great time. I thought today I’d lighten things up a little with some golfing jokes. I’m sure all of you golfers out there will appreciate these three jokes but I can honestly say they can’t compare to the experiences I actually had with my friends and family. Enjoy . . .
- One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed up in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want with me.” So, he tied her up and went golfing.
- So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. “Sure, I’d love to play, says George, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” So, Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9 AM and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday. “Yeah, sounds great”, says George. “But I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” The following Saturday, again, all four golfers, show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use and every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple of months, Ted is pretty damn tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about 10 minutes late, but you’re right on time. You then beat us either left-handed or right-handed, what’s the story? “Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.” “So, what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” “Well . . . That’s one of days I’ll be 10 minutes late.”
- A man constantly and continuously talked only about golf. His angry wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t talk about something else. She: “Let’s talk about sex.” He: “I wonder if Tiger Woods got laid last night?”
FORE!
“Poetry is to prose as dancing is to walking.”
by John Wain
***
As I worked my way slowly through the public school system back in the 1960’s I received little or no information or exposure to poetry. It was mentioned in passing in some classes but there never was any serious time devoted to it. It just seems to me that making some poetry (not just the classics) available to younger students might just motivate them to either read more poetry or to write their own. A gentlemen named Richard Lewis, a lecturer on children’s literature and creative writing, apparently agreed with me. In cooperation with UNESCO, he traveled through eighteen English speaking countries around the world collecting poetry written by children between the ages of five and thirteen. Three thousand poems were collected with the best 200 published in his book, “Miracles” published in 1966. I’ve picked out two samples to give you some idea of just how talented many of the youngsters can be when expressing their thoughts in a poetic fashion.
THUNDER
by Glenys Van Every, Age 9, Australia
I hear
the drummers
strike
the sky.
***
SUMMER
by Margaret Bendig, Age 10, United States
Inviting, rippling waters
Waiting for little toes
Hurry, go get changed!
***
After reading a few pages of these poems I had a minor epiphany. These children were not trained in poetry but as they wrote their poems many of them began to look very much like free-verse haiku’s. Having no set restrictions on the length of lines and syllable counting allows the young poets freedom to truly express themselves.
Of course, being the irreverent SOB that I am I decided to write this haiku of mine and take it down a road not normally traveled. It contains some reference to nature but also just a touch of my humor. It’s a poetic mortal sin to write them this way and I’m sure it will tweak the noses of a few people. It’s always fun at times to make some people a little crazy.
*❤️*
NATURAL
by Me, Age: Old
Out of the corner of my eye
A bird sails quietly by.
A flash of golden sunlight,
And I have bird shit on my thigh.
***
SMILE, I DID INCLUDE SOME NATURE
“The true poet dreams being awake.”
Charles Lamb
I thought I’d start this year with a most interesting writer and poet, Edgar Allen Poe. I was introduced to him in high school way back in the days of covered wagons and wild Indians (that was sarcasm). His poetry was spooky, dark, and mysterious which drew me to it immediately. What 15-year-old kid wouldn’t love that? As with most school systems of the time they offered only a few of his writings for classroom work and discussion. The Raven stands as one of his greatest works and we were required to read and memorize certain passages to get a passing grade and then we moved on to other things. My second Poe favorite was Anabel Lee. A love story for the ages except Anabel doesn’t long survive the experience. The flow of his words in that poem grabbed me immediately and I was able to quote some of its passages for years and occasionally still do.
As I aged and was able to read more about Poe and his strange approach to life, the more attention I began to pay to poetry in general. I still think that actual world class poets are few and far between, but Poe was the real deal. Along with Emily Dickenson they are my two favorites. I especially liked Poe because he wrote what he felt and really did nothing to pander to the masses. In my opinion that’s what gives his works real meaning and weight.
Another of Poe’s works has slowly over the years made its way to the top of my favorites list, even more so than the Raven and Anabel Lee. I stumbled on to it quite by accident years ago and it has become one of those rare things that periodically calls to me to be read again. As with all of Poe’s poetry it’s best read while wrapped in a warm blanket on a dark and stormy night by candlelight.
ALONE
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were – I have not seen
As others saw – I could not bring
My passions from a common spring –
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow – I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone –
And all I lov’d – I lov’d alone –
Then – in my childhood – in the dawn
Of a most stormy life – was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still –
From the torrent, or the fountain –
From the red cliff of the mountain –
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold –
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by –
From the thunder, and the storm –
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
1829
***
WELCOME TO 2024
everyuselessthing.com 