Oscar Wilde passed away in Paris in 1900. He spent the last few years of his life penniless and eventually died of neglect. He was a master playwright, poet and intellectual who was well known for his thousands of epigrams. It seems to me he would have been much more successful if he’d been born in the 20th or 21st century. To experience his wit and knowledge on an open forum talk show would have been absolutely amazing. Today I’ll post a few of my all-time favorites of his epigrams. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have over the years.
No great artist ever sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.
Never trust a woman who tells you her real age; a woman who tells you that will tell you anything.
The proper basis for a marriage is mutual misunderstanding.
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Education is a wonderful thing, provided you always remember that nothing worth knowing can ever be taught.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything.
To regain my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or become respectable.
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Here is one of my favorite quotes of his and it is partially responsible for the creation of this blog.
“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information around.”
Yesterday I posted a list of sayings, and most were attributed to people who are or were once famous. The response to that posting was excellent leading me to try something a little different. Have you ever heard a friend or acquaintance say something that “stuck with you”, something funny or profound? Today’s list will be pearls of wisdom from the smartest person in the world, “Anonymous”. We never seem to realize just how smart that SOB can be.
A gossip tells things before you have a chance to tell them.
We expect our children to learn good table manners without ever seeing any.
The other night, while lying on the couch, I reviewed the high point of my life and fell asleep.
Imagination makes a man think he can run the business better than the boss.
He who peeps through a hole may see what will vex him.
Strange how much you’ve got to know before you know how little you know.
People are living longer now; they have too – who can afford to die?
Some people are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them.
Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
Marriage is a wonderful institution. If it weren’t for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with perfect strangers.
I thought today’s posting should reflect the thoughts and feelings of someone other than myself concerning the New Year and the accompanying celebrations. I’d normally throw in a few celebrity quotes about New Year’s but I’m not going to do that this year. I’ve learned over the years that the best common sense quotations are written by only one person, Anonymous.
The following collection of thoughts were collected from and written by people who wish to remain anonymous. Being anonymous gives a person a certain amount of freedom to say what they really think and to be as sarcastic and humorous as necessary. This is the stuff I love and I think you will too.
Almost everything I could think of saying about New Year’s, the celebrations, and the big party in the Big Apple, are reflected in these anonymous thoughts. It never ceases to amaze me just how funny and insightful we humans can be. See if you agree.
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I do not make new year’s resolutions. The only thing I do in excess is be awesome, I’m not going to stop that in 2014.
I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
Let’s kiss on New Year’s Eve 2013 as if we might have a future together in 2014.
Let’s resolve to repeat last year’s mistakes.
Here’s to ending the New Year still having a job that you still wish you didn’t have.
This year let’s resolve to make better bad decisions.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.
I hope the world ends in 2014 so I can’t be held accountable for my New Year’s resolutions.
Thanks for inviting me to a New Year’s party I’ll have no recollection of attending.
My excuses for already failing my New Year’s resolution are more complicated than the fiscal cliff deal.
Let’s never speak of 2013 again.
May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
Let’s put significant pressure on ourselves to have a fun New Year’s Eve.
Let’s pencil each other in for a New Year’s Eve kiss, with the understanding we’ll drop each other if someone better comes along.
I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2014, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP.
My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.
I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn.
It may be the antidepressants talking, but I’m feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014.
Now that the holiday blues are over, let’s resume our everyday melancholy.
Here’s to drinking enough that we’ll need Ryan Seacrest to help us count backwards from ten.
Here’s to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.
Lets attend an opulent New Year’s Eve party so we can briefly ignore the horror of our impending poverty.
Wishing you even a minuscule percentage of the wealth and attention that has been showered upon the Kardashian fetus in 2013.
My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.
Gaining 20 lbs over the holidays makes your New Year’s resolution of losing 10 less impressive.
Let’s decide which champagne we’re going to barf.
I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.
The only thing I gained from 2013 was weight.
Dear God, my prayer for 2014 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did this year.
This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
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I enjoyed more than a few chuckles reading through this list and I can’t think of a thing I’d want to add. I hope your New Year’s celebration remains somewhat sane and that you return safely home in one piece. You wouldn’t want to start 2014 with any broken bones, wrecked vehicles, or DUI’s.
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. Anonymous
There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. Unknown
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent. Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. Anonymous
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. Unknown
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Unknown
She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers. Anonymous
A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity. Unknown
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. Anonymous
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. Unknown
Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing. Unknown
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. Anonymous
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. Anonymous
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. Unknown
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Unknown
Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell. Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
I’m as pissed off as a fart in a vacuum cleaner. Anonymous
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