An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the entire two weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father. “Congratulations and welcome to the church!” said the priest. The priest then went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.” “Congratulations and welcome to the church,” said the priest. The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks”? “No Father, we weren’t able to go without sex for the full two weeks,” the young man replied sadly. “What happened?” inquired the priest. “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.” “You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcomed in our church,” stated the priest. “We know, “said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”
Limerick of the Day
A young mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number – give him a call!
Wisdom for the Day
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times”, she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Go home and take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it all.” “Will this truly cleanse my soul of all my sins?” “No,” the priest says, “but it’ll wipe that shit-eating grin off your face!”
😇😇😇
Limerick of the Day
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam,
So loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had ’em.
😎😎😎
Joke of the Day #2
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.” His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?” The husband tells her, “Just rub toilet paper between them.” Startled the lady asks, “How can that possibly make them bigger?” He smiled and said, “I don’t really know, but it worked really well for your ass.”
I tend to look for publications containing limericks and I like them funny, silly, bawdy, and outright outrageous. Many of my readers constantly complain that my selections are too tame. They want lots of sexual content and even go so far as to complain about my selections of children’s limericks. I enjoy posting the more innocent lyrics from kids with the hope they will someday grow up and write some truly memorable and bawdy poetry. Someone has to assist the next generation in their endeavors, and I have gladly volunteered. Here are a few you can sample . . .
Since we’re celebrating “Hump Day”, here are a few truly twisted limericks to test your reading skills. Pick any one of these three and try to read it as fast as possible without tying your tongue in a knot. Doing that is probably just as difficult as it was for me trying to type these damn things. Have fun with it.
😉😉😉
Two witchy witches in a Wichita ditch,
One witch with a twitch caused the witches to switch,
The spell they were under,
Caused people to wonder,
Which Wichita witch switched was which?
😤😤😤
Frankly, Frank Fankley felt cranky,
Inside Frank Fankley’s frank was Hank’s hanky.
Hank’s hanky Frank got,
Filled with Hank’s hanky snot,
“It ain’t frankly swanky,” said Fankley, “NO THANK-Y!”
As anyone who reads this blog knows I love limericks. I love the mild ones written by kids and for kids, the medium ones for many of the limerick loving adults who shy away from many of the naughtier limericks, and occasionally I get in the mood to post something a little raunchier. My favorite limerick writer has always been Isaac Azimov but one of his close friends deserved an honorable mention today. That friend was John Ciardi who for 16 years was the poetry editor for the Saturday Review and his translation of The Divine Comedy is still considered a classic. Sadly, he passed away in 1986 but his works and love of limericks lives on. Enjoy.
I thought I’d start the weekend off with a little humor. Seeing as how there are only 106 shopping days until Christmas, you should start smiling as soon as possible in preparation.
😅😅😅
A farm girl brought a bull to a pasture in order that it might service the cow there. The farm boy in charge of the cow joined her and they watched the process. After a while, the farm boy turned to the farm girl and said, “That just makes me itch to do the same thing. How about it?” And the farm girl said indifferently, “Go ahead. It’s your cow.”
The nuclear war had come and gone. Earth lay devastated and nearly lifeless. In a puddle of water were two tiny bacteria. One said the other, “All over again – but this time, no brains.”
I once saw a cartoon which that showed two people staring at each other. One was a little man in a loin cloth, looking like Mahatma Gandhi. The other was a stalwart man with a full feathered headdress looking like Sitting Bull. Both are speaking simultaneously, and the caption reads: “Funny but you don’t look Indian.”
🤣🤣🤣
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
😆😆😆
“Well,” said Mrs. Jones to her young daughter, “and what did you learn in Sunday School today?” “We learned,” said little Nancy, “about Moses.” “Ah,” said her mother, “and what did you learn about Moses?” Nancy said, “Well he was a general leading an army on a retreat from Egypt. The Egyptians, in hot pursuit, had the weight of tanks on their side, and Moses, taking casualties, was forced back upon the Red Sea, where he faced annihilation. Calling for air support, however, he proceeded to throw a pontoon bridge hastily across —” By this time Mr. Jones had finally managed to catch her breath and said, “Nancy! Surely that is not what they taught you about Moses.” “Well not exactly,” said Nancy, “but if I told it to you the way the teacher told it to me, you’d never believe it.”
There seem to be a few of you out there who continue to request a selection of down&dirty limericks. I’m feeling a little down&dirty myself today, so I’ll bow to the pressure and offer up a few.
Here I sit poolside watching my two grandsons beating my better-half in a mean and nasty game of Triple War. Losing to an eleven and eight-year-old is kind of embarrassing and I gladly told her so. Warm day, great barbecue, new puppy, cool pool, board games, and family. It doesn’t get much better for a hot August day. The sun is broiling my bald head but I’m not complaining. All too soon we’ll be shoveling that white stuff once again and I can continue complaining even more then. But for today I thought I’d offer a couple of tongue twisting limericks to challenge you.
This is my first Tibetan limerick . . .
A Tibetan made a bet on his toboggan
That his toboggan could get down the hill hot-doggin.
The Tibetan got to bettin’,
But while bettin’ kept forgettin’,
It was August, so he landed on his noggin.
💥💥💥💥💥
A reckless rough roofer, Ralph Rufus,
Was a ruthless fool know as a doofus,
When Rufus roofed on a roof,
No roof was found to be Ralph-proof,
Roofing roofers felt Rufus a complete and total goofus.
I think it’s likely that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea with the title I used for this post. Twisted in this context does not mean heavily sexual or bawdy. These limericks are written specifically for children, and they are a cross between limericks & tongue twisters. As a kid I loved tongue twisters and at a very early age whilst sitting through a number of sessions to correct a minor lisp I had, tongue twisters were one of the exercises that we were permitted to do to help us get control of our speech patterns. I know it sounds stupid, but it was even more stupid when you’re the one who was required to do it. Enjoy!
😊😊😊
She saw a seesaw at sea,
A shawl she was wearing, was she,
The sea shrank her shawl,
Till it shrank her shawl small,
To the seesaw she saw she said “Gee!”
😁😁😁
Louise is pleased by cheesy chicken squeezed with cheesy cheese,
Squeezy peasy chicken cheesy served to please Louise,
“To other chicken, phooey!
Even Chinese chicken suey,
More squeezy greasy peasy cheesy chicken, if you please!”
😋😋😋
Hannah from Havana grew bananas in Savanna,
A bonanza of bananas that had grown in her bandanna,
These limericks were published in New York in 1965. They made their way into my hands via the Northside School Library in Rogers, Arkansas. The last date the book was signed out was on April Fool’s Day in 1967. From reading them I would guess many of them were written in Great Britain, but I’ll note the authors when I can. Enjoy!
🫤🫤🫤
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta,
At breakfast he said,
“Get me some b-b-b-bread
And b-b-b-b-b-b-butta.”
😯😯😯
By Robert Louis Stevenson
There once was an old man of the Cape,
Who made himself garments of crepe.
When asked, “Do they tear?”
He replied, “Here and there,
But they’re perfectly splendid for shape!”
😊😊😊
A small boy when asked to spell “yacht,”
Most saucily said, “I will nacht.”
So, his teacher in wrath,
Took a section of lathe,
And warmed him up well on the spacht.
😬😬😬
There was a young bard of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they said it was so,
He replied “Yes I know,
But I make a rule of always trying to get just as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
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