“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
I thought I should lighten things up a bit since my last two posts were a wee bit negative. It always helps to clear some of that negativity with humor (especially off-color humor). Enjoy . . .
Q. What do bungee jumping, and prostitutes have in common? A. They both cost two hundred dollars and if the rubber breaks your screwed.
The young man has been dating his girlfriend for over a year, and so they decided to finally get married. His parents, family and friends helped him in every way possible. There was only one thing really bothering him, and that was his fiancée’s younger sister. She was twenty years old, and constantly wore extremely tight miniskirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near him and he had many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, little sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he got there and she whispered to him quietly that soon he was to be married, but she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn’t overcome. She told him that she wanted to make love to him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. He was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” He was stunned as he watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her red panties and threw them down the stairs to him. He stood there for a moment, then turned around and ran for the front door. He opened the door, stepped out of the house. and ran straight towards his car. Without warning his future father-in-law was standing behind a shrub. With tears in his eyes, her father hugged him and said, “We are very happy that you’ve passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family son.” The moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame? A. It’s a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Tarzan and Jane are preparing to make love for the first time, but Tarzan tell Jane that he doesn’t know how to do it. Jane says, “Look, it’s really very easy.” Tarzan tells her, “Tarzan usually does it in tree trunk hole”. Jane advises, “You’ve got it all wrong, you just stick it in this hole,” motioning to her crotch. Tarzan and Jane then get naked and Jane motions for Tarzan to put it in. Tarzan slowly walks over to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crotch. Jane, twitching with terrible pain, asks Tarzan, “What the hell was that for?” Tarzan says, “Tarzan checks for squirrels.“
Q. What has 100 balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
I have always been proud of my sense of humor, and I look for that trait in people I associate with. It was always one of the first things I looked for when dating as well and it never failed me. I think in the future this blog will contain much more humor meaning of course a bit of “off color” funniness. Humor that isn’t tweaked by double entendres is “boring funny” and I find that totally unacceptable. I fully intend to load this blog with non-boring humor as often as possible starting today. Here goes nothing . . .
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his shirt pocket and then asks for second beer. After drinking that one he again looks in his shirt pocket and asks for a third beer. This happens about seven more times before the bartender finally asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” “The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good enough, I’ll be heading on home.”
Little Johnny is walking past his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out loudly, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket next to her. “Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do, “he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?” The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man thought for moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz.?”
While many of my postings contain humor, I also feel required to add a few additional lines of beautiful poetry better known as a limerick. I always prefer ones that are a bit off-color whenever possible.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910)
I first became a fan of Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain as a youngster. I was quite the reader at a very young age and was instantly captivated by the story of Tom Sawyer and his adventures along and on the Mississippi river. That’s when I discovered one of my first “Happy Places”, my ability to get totally consumed by a book. That ability has served me well for more than seventy years and it still makes me happy. He lived an adventurous life and is famous for his biting sense of humor. Here’s why.
“Always do right. This greatly gratifies some people and astonish the rest.”
“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
“It takes your enemy and your friend working together to hurt you to the heart: one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.”
“Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.”
“Familiarity breeds contempt . . . and children.”
“Confession may be good for my soul, but it sure plays hell with my reputation.”
“Good breeding exists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
“I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.”
And finally, one of my all-time favorite quotes from Mr. Clemens which could apply to so many things.
“Noise prevents nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I. I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.
One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor. Do they like to laugh? Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded? That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance. I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair. That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it. I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all. Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun. That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly. While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities. You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?” ― Chris Rock
“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” ― Woody Allen
“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.” ― Stephen King
“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss
“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ― Winston Churchill
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ― George Burns
“Mom says it’s because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome” ― Nicholas Sparks
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ― Steven Wright
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” ― Woody Allen
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ” ― W.C. Fields
“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?” ― Marilyn Monroe
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” ― Albert Einstein
“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant
“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.” ― John Wayne
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” ― Albert Einstein
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” ― Groucho Marx
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” ― Billy Sunday
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” ― Mark Twain
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.” ― Jane Austen
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West
“Happiness is a warm puppy.” ― Charles M. Schulz
Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are. It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another. Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression. That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.
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