Archive for the ‘silliness’ Tag
It’s a cold morning here in Maine. I did an early food shop this morning and the hunters appear to be out in large numbers. I’ve never been a hunter and I have no idea what hunting season actually started today. I just know I won’t be taking any long walks in the woods where some drunken, nearsighted, armed, citizen might mistake me for a deer or a turkey or whatever. I’ll be staying indoors where it’s safe.
Enough of this nonsense, let’s get into some other more interesting nonsense concerning one of my favorite subjects: Media and Celebrity Silliness. When they screw up, they put it out there for everyone to see and hear and here are some of my favorites.
- “To say this book is about me (which is the main reason I was uncomfortable – me, me, me, me . . .frightening!) is ridiculous. This book is not about me.” Kate Moss, Model, on her book, Kate: The Kate Moss Book
- The Duck and Doochess of Windsor.” Anonymous Commentator, introducing the Duke and Duchess of Windsor
- “The red squirrels . . . you don’t see many of them since they became extinct.” Michael Aspel, BBC
- “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” Brook Shields – During an anti smoking campaign interview
- “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” Mariah Carey
- “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” Miss Alabama 1994, when asked “If you could live forever, would you, and why?”
- “An end is in sight to the severe weather shortage.” Ian Macaskill, BBC Weather
- “It’s not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talk show host.” James Baker, televangelist
- “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Records Co. executive in 1962, after turning down the Beatles
- “As a prize – a beautiful riding mower with optional ass scratcher.” TV Announcer who meant to say “grass catcher”
TO ERR IS HUM AN AND THESE FOLKS ARE REALLY HUMAN
Once again, it’s time for a few lighthearted limericks rather than the bawdier ones we’re used to. I’ll reference the author when possible.
By Frank Jacobs
A lion whose manners weren’t nice
Played Monopoly with two white mice.
After losing, he roared,
Then devoured the board,
Marvin Gardens, both mice and the dice.
😋😋😋
By Oliver Herford
Once a grasshopper (food being scant)
Begged an ant some assistance to grant.
But the ant shook his head
“I can’t help you,” he said,
“It’s an uncle you need, not an ant.
😎😎😎
By Anon
A barber who lived in Batavia
Was known for his fearless behavia.
When a giant brown bear
Took a seat in his chair,
Said the barber, “No way will I shavia.”
😏😏😏
By Gelett Burgess
I’d rather have fingers than toes.
I’d rather have ears than a nose.
And as for my hair,
I’m glad it’s still there,
I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.
🍩🍩🍩
HAPPY MONDAY
I’m feeling a little silly today and I’m not entirely sure why. A good night’s sleep, some weird dreams, and a great cup of coffee. and “Ta Da”, here I am! I’ll start today with some true silliness. As I was surfing around yesterday, I stumbled upon a website called unijoke.com and it had a collection of jokes about “Little Johnny”. I’ve loved those jokes for many years, and I found one on that site that made me laugh out loud. That’s my criteria for determining funny. Here it is . . .
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch I can find with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” The teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
Almost everyone loves Rock-and-Roll music except maybe for those Country & Western folks and the Hip-Hop idiots. I was thinking about all of the silly names’ musicians create for their bands to help them standout in the crowd. I’ll list a few oldies but goodies and I’m sure you can think of many more.
STOP CALLING ME FRANK
AFGHANISTAN BANANA STAND
BUDDY WHATSHISNAME AND THE OTHER FELLAS
THE COLOR FRED
THE NAUGAHYDE CHIHUAHUAS
QUESTION MARK AND THE MYSTERIANS
THE WELL I’M SURE I LEFT IT THERE YESTERDAY BAND
ME FIRST AND THE GIMMEE GIMEES
THE DISAPPOINTED PARENTS
SHE STOLE MY BEER
You have to admit those rockers had quite the imagination and used the hell out of it. The list of silly band names is never-ending but still fun. Here’s my final thought for today:
Why is a virginity like a balloon?
One prick and its gone!
AND SO, AM I!
In the past few weeks, I’ve posted limericks written by children, limericks written for children, and a selection of bawdy and crude limericks for the adults. Today I’m posting limericks that are just silly, cute and funny. Readable by all, kids and grownups alike. Enjoy!
There was a young lady of Kent
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
One day, I suppose,
She followed her nose,
For no one knew which way she went.
🤪🤪🤪
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
😎😎😎
A cannibal living in France
Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,
A cow and her calf,
An ox and a half,
And now he can’t button his pants.
😜😜😜
A careless zookeeper named Blake
Fell into a tropical lake.
Said a fat alligator
A few minutes later,
“Not bad, but I still prefer steak.”
HAVE A SILLY WEEK
I thought today we might start the month of June with a collection of limericks. This is what can be called a double dose because these limericks were written about limericks. I know it sounds confusing, but you’ll get the gist once you start reading. Enjoy . . .
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
😷😷😷
If you find for your verse there’s no call,
And you can’t afford paper at all,
For the poet, true born,
However forlorn,
There’s always the lavatory wall.
😉😉😉
The limericks callous and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding,
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
🥴🥴🥴
Oh limericks, Dr. Jekyll’s oblivious,
Till his alter ego is delirious.
Then it can’t be denied
Such rhymes by Mr. Hyde
Will be lecherous, lewd and lascivious.
🤪🤪🤪
That’s it for today. Keep checking in on a daily basis because I’m planning a full week of limericks that will definitely not be acceptable to the younger generation. Let’s call it “Questionable Limerick Week”. I’m compiling the list of limericks as we speak.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
I was awakened at 2:30 this morning by one of those annoying Mother Nature calls. I visited her briefly and upon returning to my bed, tried to fall back asleep. During those few minutes of half-sleep some of the words of the following limerick popped into my head. I made a quick note in my cell phone and went to sleep. This morning a did a little editing and the finished limerick was born. I have absolutely no idea where or why it came to me but here it is. This is for all of you limerick and nursery rhyme aficionados.
❤JACK & JILL❤
Jack and Jill climbed up a hill on Nantucket.
He brought a few condoms and she an old bucket.
The bucket was tossed, and Jill’s virginity was lost,
When she decided to fuket not suket.
(Who needs water anyway.)
❤❤❤
❤❤
🌻🌷R.I.P. Courtney🌷🌻
You mentioned number freaking a few times over the past few years and it still fascinates me. The statistics and information compiled by number for readers boggles the mind or at least my mind. Their calculations are out there a little bit but interesting, nonetheless. Here are a few to tickle your fancy.
- Theoretically you would have 4.72 sextillion bacteria in your body within 24 hours of being infection by a bug.
- It would take 587 ticks simultaneously sucking to suck a man dry.
- The average flow of water over Niagara Falls is 1,585,032 US gallons per second. It would take Niagara Falls 119 years, 293 days, to fill all five of the Great Lakes.
- It is estimated that 45,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year. That calculates out to one injury every 18 minutes, 12 seconds.
- A recent TV ad for a chain of optometrists claimed we each capture 24 million images with our eyes in a lifetime. Life expectancy in the US is approximately 77 years which calculates out to 101.2 seconds per image over the course of a lifetime.
- There are about 109 million US households. The total amount spent by US advertisers every year is about $248 billion, of which the amount spent annually on TV advertisement is about $57 billion. That calculates TV advertising to approximately $522.94 household.
- Approximately 152,467 square miles of the United States has been urbanized.
- A wireless network across all of urbanized America would cost approximately 1 dollar per week per household. It would cost approximately $22.87 billion to operate such a network.
- A golf course uses the same amount of freshwater as a town of 12,000 people.
- On average a person will drink 31,996.52 quarts of water in a lifetime. With an average bathtub holding 528.34 quarts of water, you would be able to fill 60.56 bathtubs.
- The land area in the United States, excluding lakes, is 3,536,294 square miles. If suddenly and without warning all of America’s convicted prisoners were to escape and disperse themselves equally across the country, each felon would require 1.66 square miles of land.
This is what happens when I have a slow news day and a lack of motivation to post. I’ll throw a few more of number freaking calculations your way as time goes on and I find some that are titillating.
ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND
Now that Mother’s Day has come and gone, let’s look into something a bit more musical. Everyone seems to love music of one sort or another, so why don’t we all try to enjoy some music related limericks.
🎵🎵🎵
A small hairy dog from Pirbright
Would sit at the organ all night.
And in his shrewd way,
He kept burglars at bay,
For his Bach was much worse than his bite.
🤥🤥🤥
Tchaikovsky composed his “Swan Lake”,
With his grand reputation at stake,
So, he wasn’t too fond
Of its nickname “Duck Pond”,
He considered that name a mistake.
😝😝😝
There is a musician named Long
Who’s composed a new popular song.
I’m convinced it’s the croon
Of a lovesick baboon,
With occasional thumps on a gong.
😇😇😇
There was a composer named Liszt
Whose music was hard to resist.
When he swept the keyboard,
Not a listener was bored,
And now that he’s gone, he is mizst.
🥴🥴🥴
HUM ALONG IF YOU MUST
Stupid Headline
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Stupid Bumper Sticker
Be Careful-90% of People are Caused by Accidents
Smart Quote
“Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens.”
Aldous Huxley 1959
Stupid Quote
“If you stay here much longer, you’ll be slitty eyed”
Prince Philip to British students in China
Rude Limerick
A hapless young fellow named Schmuck,
Considers himself out of luck.
Though he’s petted and wooed,
When he tries to get screwed,
He finds that virgins don’t give a fuck.
THE WEEKEND IS COMING
I’ve always wondered about certain things that’ve become part of the human experience. But why is the question. Why is the middle finger such a bad thing? Why is breaking a mirror bad luck? Why does anyone pay attention to such nonsense? I suppose that’s the main question for all of these superstitious types of things.
I’ve always been drawn to the number three for some reason, but I haven’t a clue as to why. I honestly could care less why, it’s just something I picked up as a kid and it’s still with me. Just like all these other things. One of them that really confuses me is the number “13”. What causes world famous, highly educated architects to build buildings worth millions of dollars but refuse to post a 13th floor. There really is a 13th floor but they choose to call it the 14th floor. How stupid is that? I decided to check out the number “13” and its history and here are a handful of odd and silly explanations. The number actually began as a good thing with some of the pagan religions but became a bad thing during the Middle Ages.
- Judas, the betrayer, made it 13 at the last supper.
- The Jews murmured 13 times against God during the exodus from Egypt.
- The 13th psalm concerns wickedness and corruption.
- The circumcision of Israel occurred in the 13th year.
- In a twelve-month period, there are 13 full moons, and a woman on a 28-day menstrual cycle will be “unclean” as stated by Leviticus, 13 times a year.
- There are 13 zodiac signs (Gemini is counted as two)
- The Christ child received the three Magi on the thirteenth day of his life.
- And there is also “triskaidekaphobia”.
I read all this ridiculousness (mostly religious claptrap) and just shake my head until occasionally when I’m put in a position where I need to make a decision between options. I look them over carefully, study them carefully, discuss them with trusted friends, and then I almost always choose the third one. I guess I’m as screwed-up as everyone else, but you need to know that I also step on sidewalk cracks and walk under ladders as often as I possibly can to convince myself that superstitions are just plain silly. But you should also know that if there’s a black cat nearby, I still tread carefully.
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
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