Archive for the ‘sports’ Tag
I’m not much of a sports fan and watching sports on TV has no attraction to me whatsoever. I’ve always had better ways of spending my time than watching almost anything sport related except for possibly one thing. I will occasionally watch professional golf. Over the years I played a lot of golf with my father. He introduced me to it at age 13 and I played regularly for more than twenty five years with him, his coworkers, and my friends.
This week was the Presidents Cup Tournament and I didn’t watch the entire match but did waste away a few hours vegging in front of the TV. It took me back to the days when my Dad was still able to play and the fun we had competing against each other. It was a nice trip down memory lane for me. As I was watching I began to remember caddying for him in a number of golf tournaments sponsored by his employer and the many pranks I pulled on him while doing so. With that in mind I did a little searching and found the following stupid caddy remarks which will make any golfer smile.
* * *
#10
Golfer: "I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#09
Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."
#08
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
#07
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#06
Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
#05
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It’s not a watch – it’s a compass."
#04
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.
#03
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it’s a sin on any day."
#02
Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."
AND FINALLY #01
Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."
* * *
Most people think golf is such a very serious pass-time but that couldn’t be further from the truth. With my Dad and other co-workers it was hilarious at times. I’ll offer this one story and then call this posting finished.
My father was a big, strong, and determined individual. He was known for his long and accurate drives and could get frustrated when he was having a bad day. On one particular occasion he walked to the tee on one of his favorite holes, teed up, and hit the ball so far in the woods it couldn’t be found. Up until that time it had been a close round but with that shot he lost the match. He proceeded to take his driver, twirled it around his head, and threw it as far as he could into the trees. He then walked off cursing and swearing and never looked back.
For months afterward as we all played golf on that same course we laughed our asses off every time we came to that hole because his bent and twisted driver could be seen in the top of a nearby tree. It was just so damn funny. The best part of the prank occurred more than a year later at his retirement dinner when his buddies climbed up that tree, retrieved the club, had it bronzed and mounted on a plaque, and gave it back to him as his retirement gift.
How can you not like golf with good friends like that.
Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis). You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire. Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw. If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form. The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume. This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés. It makes me just a little crazy.
Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language. If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP. We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:
“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”
“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”
“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”
“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”
‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”
“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”
“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”
“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.
“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.”
These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen. You’ll be absolutely amazed.
AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!
Don’t you just love the month of February? We get to celebrate Ground Hog Day, Lincoln’s Birthday, Valentines Day, and of course this year, Super Bowl Sunday. I wish I had all of the money spent preparing for and the celebration of a stupid football game. Do I sound like a sports hater? I’m not exactly sure but I think I just may be one.
I played a great deal of sports in my life and thoroughly enjoyed all of those activities. I had a great deal of success in my endeavors with Little League Baseball, Pony League Baseball, High School Baseball, Basketball and Football, American Legion Baseball, Semi-Pro Baseball, Racquetball, Bowling, and others I’ve probably forgotten. I’m not bragging but trying to show many of the reasons why I should be a screaming and hollering fanatic for all sports. Why is it that that watching sports except for possibly Little League Baseball is like getting my teeth drilled without Novocain.
As a younger man I often got caught up in following the Pittsburgh Pirates and Steelers and considered myself a loyal fan. That being said, I hate watching their games even when they’re winning. I’ve never been able to admit my dislike of watching sports because my father would have disowned me. He was an avid fan of most sports and was quite the accomplished athlete in his own right.
So why? I’ve only mentioned football because of all the Super Bowl hoop-la over the last week or so. My better-half who in truth is a fan, a fan of the parties and get-togethers, and interaction with her friends but only a so-so fan of the sport. I think the great majority of fans are just like her.
I’m reminded of our addiction as a society to sports every time I watch an episode of Spartacus. I suppose the human race has advanced from the Roman’s version of the Super Bowl held at the Coliseum where gladiators killed Christians, animals, and themselves in great numbers. With crowds of thousands cheering, betting, and orgying their hearts out. They called it then “bread and circuses” which allowed the political caste to maintain control over the great unwashed.
Do you see any similarities? These days we make it possible for our gladiators, the biggest and strongest of us, to be paid great sums of money to punish themselves and many times damage themselves critically. The money and glory, as in Rome, were all that ever mattered. Does that ring a bell for you? It not such an honorable profession when you see a super successful man like Mike Webster, formerly of the four time Super Bowl winning Steelers, suffering from amnesia, dementia, depression, and acute bone and muscle pain after his retirement. He lived out of his pickup truck or in train stations for years between Wisconsin and Pittsburgh. Webster’s wife finally divorced him six months before his death in 2002. He was only 50 years old.
Of course, Webster was responsible for his own decisions but in my opinion the system was responsible for the pressures of money, fame, performance enhancers, and steroid use that ultimately destroyed him. Unfortunately he’s not alone.
Maybe that’s what makes celebrating these sports so difficult for me.
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