With the playoffs and Superbowl looming in our immediate future and Belichick ending his reign as a Patriot, it seems the right time for a football post. Football has been making numerous mistakes in recent months with questionable NFL officiating and the fiasco with Michigan and coach Jim Harbaugh that was blatantly unfair, biased, and embarrassing. So, let me take you back in time to review a few old time slight-of-hand coaching maneuvers when the game was more fun and not controlled by the almighty dollar and the media’s talking heads.
Johnny Heisman, for whom the Heisman Trophy is named, was one of football’s most inventive coaches. One of his oddest inventions was the old hidden ball trick. One day in 1895, a player asked him if it wasillegal to hide the ball during a play. He knew it wasn’t against the rules, but how could it be done?
Two of Heisman’s players at Auburn, Walt Shafer and “Tick” Tichenor, thought the ball could be hiddenunder a running backs jersey, and they helped devise a play. As the ball was snapped to Tichenor, the rest of the team would drop back and form a circle around him. Then Tichenor would slip the ball under hisjersey, and he would drop to one knee. The team would run to the right and the defenders would follow them. Then Tichenor would get up and run the other way. Auburn tried the trick against Vanderbilt soon after and scored a touchdown with it.
Tighter uniforms and faster play have made the hidden ball trick harder and harder to perform. The bizarre play is hardly ever used today, thank God. It would totally befuddle the indecisive officials of this modern era. It would require an immediate replay, a delay of game, and a group discussion by a panel of league officials to get a final decision. What an absolute waste of time and energy. A quick and effective way to take the fun out of the game.
Here is another sample of old-time footballers attempting to circumvent and bend the rules a little.
Two of the smartest football coaches of all time were Percy Haughton of Harvard and “Pop” Warner, whocoached at Carlisle Institute and later at Stanford. In 1908 Warner’s team from Carlisle was scheduled to play Harvard. The week before the Harvard game, Warner had to use a clever trick to help defeat a strong Syracuse team. Carlisle players had pads sewn to their pants and jerseys. The pads were the same size, shape and color as a football, making it very difficult to tell which player had the football and which one was only pretending. When Carlisle started to practice on Harvard’s field the day before the game, Haughton saw the football-like pads. “That’s not fair,” said Haughton mildly. “It’s not against the rules,” laughed Warner. ”I can put anything I like on my players jerseys.
But Haughton had a few tricks up his sleeve as well. Just before kickoff time, Warner and Haughton met on the field to pick out the game football. Warner reached into the bag of balls Haughton had brought and pulled one out. It was red! Haughton had dyed all of the balls crimson, the color of Harvard’s jerseys. “It’s not against the rules, Haughton smiled, a football doesn’t have to be brown, does it? Warner walked back to the sidelines muttering to himself. Harvard won the game, 17-0.
And amazingly as far as I can tell nobody was disciplined, fined, or suspended. The game was played, someone won, and someone lost. Truth be told it’s still just that simple even in this day and age of computers and the plethora of alleged football media experts.
I made a commitment a few weeks ago to post nothing but humor until the end of the year. This post is almost humorous depending on who you are and what you’ve been through medically. I’m writing this a few days earlier than usual because I have been preparing myself for another adventure through the land of colonoscopies. I’m in the middle of “prep” right now which doesn’t allow me any room for a sense-of-humor, but I will do my best. This is my eighth colonoscopy, and I should really get some kind of an award like a gigantic gold medal for endurance and being able to maintain my seriously damaged sense-of-humor through this process.
The medical community here in Maine in their efforts to provide a better service continue to change the procedures for preparation for colonoscopies. Every hospital wants to do it in a new and better way and the only people who suffer are the patients. I thought I’d seen everything on preparation and drank every known solution to help cleanse my intestines but once again I was wrong. The hospital directed me to a local pharmacy to pick up a 4-liter container that I know I’m not going to hate. The pharmacist at the time was a very likable guy and I was able to chat him up a little. I asked one simple question, “Does this solution really work? He grinned an evil little grin before answering. He asked me if I had ever watched any documentaries on atomic bombs. I said I had and again he just smiled, “You are only a couple of days away from experiencing what could be called “ground zero”. His only warning was that after drinking the solution I should never be more than 3-5 feet from a bathroom. The term “projectile bowel movements” was mentioned numerous times and he again gave me that evil little smile. So here I sit waiting patiently to again watch the destruction of my ” poor little rosebud”.
*****
Here’s a joke that might you smile but I doubt if it will do much for me:
A man and a woman were having drinks at a local bar when they got into a heated argument about who enjoys sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything, said the lady, “Think about this: When your ear itches you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”
*****
UPDATE 11/16: THE PROCEDURE HAS BEEN COMPLETED AND MY
I’ve had something unusual happen this year. It appears because of my fractured ankle and my four months rehabilitation that I have a real shot at accomplishing most of my New Year’s resolutions. Now that we’re into October we’re within two months of year-end and I thought a review would be in order. Let’s take a quick look.
Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors). “COMPLETE” I’ve absolutely destroyed this one. Those four months of sitting on my ass while recuperating from my broken ankle made this one easy.
Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.) “FAIL” I only missed the yearly total by a few thousand.
Spend less than $50.00 a week at Dunkin. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.) “COMPLETE” They’ve become as bad as Starbucks and I’m finally free from all of their influences.
Drink less alcohol than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!) “MISERABLE FAILURE” No comment is necessary.
Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked) “ANOTHER MISERABLE FAILURE” Again, no comment.
💥💥💥
No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!) “COMPLETE” Due to my fractured ankle my dancing this year has been severely limited.
Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to TRY.) “MISERABLE FAILURE” There are times when these resolutions are impossible. This is one of those times.
Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.) “COMPLETE” Daycare and school have saved me on this one. Playground education has officially begun. and they’re learning a brand-new vocabulary but not from me.
Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years. “COMPLETE” I’ve seen much less of them this year which makes them miss me all the more.
Stay vertical. “COMPLETE” A term I’ve learned to really appreciate.
Once again, it’s time for a small collection of somewhat strange riddles from my favorite raunchy decade the 1980’s. That decade wasn’t near as bad as the 1960’s but it’s a damn close second for raunchiness. Enjoy this short retro trip down mammary lane . . .
Why is a virgin like a balloon? One prick and it’s all over!
Why was the bisexual prizefighter undefeated? He could lick anyone!
Why do girls fart after they pee? They can’t shake it, so they blow it dry!
How can you tell if Dolly Parton forgot to wear her bra? There are no wrinkles in her face!
What did Adam say when he woke up and was missing a rib? “Something smells fishy around here!”
What does the Lone Ranger do in the men’s room after a big meal? Take a dump, take a dump, take a dump dump dump!
What do you call oral sex in a national park? Old faceful!
What’s a prophylactic? A planned parent hood!
What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw it in, and three to discuss how it’s so much more gratifying than with a man!
I’m a bit of a tech junkie and joined the computer revolution with full time internet in 1995. I love gadgets and computers and have spent a great deal of money attempting to keep up with tech companies and their constant upgrades. I started out with Windows 2.01, and it was all downhill from there. Every time I thought I was up-to-date Microsoft would introduce a new operating system that wasn’t quite compatible with all of my expensive software products. It’s been a vicious cycle for more than 25 years. Thanks a lot Microsoft for giving me day-long headaches when dealing with your manuals and Customer Service experts. Every time an upgrade was announced I lost a little more respect for those companies who didn’t seem to give a good shit about their consumers. But as with every retail company the users are ignored, the money is collected, and the BS continues to this day. Let me be a little disrespectful to all of those billionaire nerds and their sucky attitudes. Let’s start at the beginning . . .
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” Thomas Watson, chairman of the board, IBM, 1943
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular mechanics, 1949
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” An engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1972
“640K ought to be enough computer memory for anybody”. Bill Gates, Microsoft founder, 1981
“$100 million is way too much to pay for Microsoft.” Unidentified IBM executive, 1982
And these are the people and companies that have been making billions of dollars at our expense. It just goes to show, you needn’t be too smart to befuddle the citizenry in this country or any other.
Here’s a collection of really stupid headlines I rediscovered recently in my files. It still amazes me how much stuff I forgot I was saving for a rainy day. The more I dig around the more I seem to find. You can thank all of our many educated and skilled editors for their fine jobs in editing these gems.
Amphibious Pitcher Makes Debut
Forecasters Call for Weather on Monday
War Dims Hope for Peace
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off After Age 25
“Lady Jacks” Off to Hot Start in Their Conference
Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison
City Unsure Why Sewers Smell
17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
Safety Meeting Ends in Accident
Best Man Left Bleeding After Being Hit by Flying Dildo
I’m feeling a bit feisty today, so I’ll post this rather lengthy rant. I also understand that asking many of our so-called concerned citizens to read something longer than two paragraphs is asking a lot. There are somethings I can choose to forget but not forgive. There are other things that I will never forget or forgive. Unfortunately, the attention span of a great many Americans is quite short except when they’re inconvenienced by a TSA screening. The following test will remind our brilliant lawmakers and most casual citizens that there are things that should never be forgotten. Unfortunately, many casual citizens and politicians who see a wrong perpetrated against this country just shrug their shoulders, make a lame speech, wipe a tear from their eye, and then immediately return to the business of politics and feathering their own nest. Let’s have a quick memory test to determine who is actually paying attention these days.
USA History Exam
(For the chronically uninformed)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by: a. Olga Korbitt b. Sitting Bull c. Arnold Schwartzeneger d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by: a. Lost Norwegians b. Elvis c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by: a. John Dillinger b. The King of Sweden c. The Boy Scouts d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: a. A pizza delivery boy b. Pee Wee Herman c. Geraldo Rivera d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by: a. The Smurfs b. Davy Jones c. The Little Mermaid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by: a. Captain Kid b. Charles Lindberg c. Mother Teresa d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: a. Scooby Doo b. The Tooth Fairy c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! : a. Richard Simmons b. Grandma Moses c. Michael Jordan d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: a. Mr. Rogers b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems. c. The World Wrestling Federation d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against: a. Enron b. The Lutheran Church c. The NFL d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by: a. Bonny and Clyde b. Captain Kangaroo c. Billy Graham d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
As the writer of the award-winning story Forrest Gump so aptly put it, “Stupid is as stupid does! But an even better quote comes from comedian Ron White:
I’ve had the pleasure and misfortune to have spent nearly twenty years working in and with the criminal justice organizations in Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and Maine. I always thought the system had its flaws, how could it not? Your days are filled with an endless supply of criminals and an endless supply of criminal attorneys. Yikes!! I always laughed when I heard some of the older police and judges say Criminal Justice was the ultimate oxymoron. I’ve since discovered they weren’t kidding. The information in today’s post was taken from the annals of numerous courts and are true. You may find them hard to believe but they are. There are a million stories in the naked city and most of them are directly related to the Criminal Justice system. When in doubt plead total ignorance.
🏛️🏛️🏛️
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
🏛️🏛️🏛️
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.
🏛️🏛️🏛️
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
🏛️🏛️🏛️
Attorney: So, the date of your baby’s conception was August 8th?
I’ve never really understood or cared why the Fourth of July is called Independence Day. I know it’s the celebration of the signing of the Declaration of Independence but in this day and age who really cares? It’s just become another excuse to have a long weekend and a day off and to drink and party and be foolish. It seems to me that only a very small percentage of the country really understands what is being celebrated on the Fourth of July.
Many years ago, while on a long weekend to Cape Cod I purchased a T-shirt in a shop in Provincetown. The minute I saw the shirt I knew I had to have it. I continued to wear it for years until it fell apart. I have since purchased another and wear it proudly. It’s a short statement of fact that I’m proud to wear across my chest, “I love my country and fear our government.” A simple yet true statement and even truer today than when I bought it. Mixing politics with patriotism is a dangerous thing and it still scares the hell out of me. Relying on our current crop of inept politicians to keep this county secure and on the right path is frightening at best. For me the Fourth of July is a bogus holiday. We should celebrate it on February 29 (Leap Year), every four years. Here is sample of how one of the Founding Fathers felt about it.
Did you know? John Adams believed that July 2nd was the correct date on which to celebrate the birth of American independence, and would reportedly turn down invitations to appear at July 4th events in protest.
It apparently wasn’t considered an American Holy Day back then. Those poor politicians hadn’t yet discovered the essentials needed to celebrate properly, charcoal brickettes, gas grills, and an endless supply of alcohol and weed. Mix all of that together with a few idiot politicians and you’ve got a real current-day Independence Day celebration.
everyuselessthing.com 