I’m a bit of a tech junkie and joined the computer revolution with full time internet in 1995. I love gadgets and computers and have spent a great deal of money attempting to keep up with tech companies and their constant upgrades. I started out with Windows 2.01, and it was all downhill from there. Every time I thought I was up-to-date Microsoft would introduce a new operating system that wasn’t quite compatible with all of my expensive software products. It’s been a vicious cycle for more than 25 years. Thanks a lot Microsoft for giving me day-long headaches when dealing with your manuals and Customer Service experts. Every time an upgrade was announced I lost a little more respect for those companies who didn’t seem to give a good shit about their consumers. But as with every retail company the users are ignored, the money is collected, and the BS continues to this day. Let me be a little disrespectful to all of those billionaire nerds and their sucky attitudes. Let’s start at the beginning . . .
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” Thomas Watson, chairman of the board, IBM, 1943
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular mechanics, 1949
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” An engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1972
“640K ought to be enough computer memory for anybody”. Bill Gates, Microsoft founder, 1981
“$100 million is way too much to pay for Microsoft.” Unidentified IBM executive, 1982
And these are the people and companies that have been making billions of dollars at our expense. It just goes to show, you needn’t be too smart to befuddle the citizenry in this country or any other.
Here’s a collection of really stupid headlines I rediscovered recently in my files. It still amazes me how much stuff I forgot I was saving for a rainy day. The more I dig around the more I seem to find. You can thank all of our many educated and skilled editors for their fine jobs in editing these gems.
Amphibious Pitcher Makes Debut
Forecasters Call for Weather on Monday
War Dims Hope for Peace
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off After Age 25
“Lady Jacks” Off to Hot Start in Their Conference
Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison
City Unsure Why Sewers Smell
17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
Safety Meeting Ends in Accident
Best Man Left Bleeding After Being Hit by Flying Dildo
I’m feeling a bit feisty today, so I’ll post this rather lengthy rant. I also understand that asking many of our so-called concerned citizens to read something longer than two paragraphs is asking a lot. There are somethings I can choose to forget but not forgive. There are other things that I will never forget or forgive. Unfortunately, the attention span of a great many Americans is quite short except when they’re inconvenienced by a TSA screening. The following test will remind our brilliant lawmakers and most casual citizens that there are things that should never be forgotten. Unfortunately, many casual citizens and politicians who see a wrong perpetrated against this country just shrug their shoulders, make a lame speech, wipe a tear from their eye, and then immediately return to the business of politics and feathering their own nest. Let’s have a quick memory test to determine who is actually paying attention these days.
USA History Exam
(For the chronically uninformed)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by: a. Olga Korbitt b. Sitting Bull c. Arnold Schwartzeneger d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by: a. Lost Norwegians b. Elvis c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by: a. John Dillinger b. The King of Sweden c. The Boy Scouts d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: a. A pizza delivery boy b. Pee Wee Herman c. Geraldo Rivera d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by: a. The Smurfs b. Davy Jones c. The Little Mermaid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by: a. Captain Kid b. Charles Lindberg c. Mother Teresa d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: a. Scooby Doo b. The Tooth Fairy c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! : a. Richard Simmons b. Grandma Moses c. Michael Jordan d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: a. Mr. Rogers b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems. c. The World Wrestling Federation d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against: a. Enron b. The Lutheran Church c. The NFL d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by: a. Bonny and Clyde b. Captain Kangaroo c. Billy Graham d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
As the writer of the award-winning story Forrest Gump so aptly put it, “Stupid is as stupid does! But an even better quote comes from comedian Ron White:
I’ve had the pleasure and misfortune to have spent nearly twenty years working in and with the criminal justice organizations in Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and Maine. I always thought the system had its flaws, how could it not? Your days are filled with an endless supply of criminals and an endless supply of criminal attorneys. Yikes!! I always laughed when I heard some of the older police and judges say Criminal Justice was the ultimate oxymoron. I’ve since discovered they weren’t kidding. The information in today’s post was taken from the annals of numerous courts and are true. You may find them hard to believe but they are. There are a million stories in the naked city and most of them are directly related to the Criminal Justice system. When in doubt plead total ignorance.
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Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
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Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.
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Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
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Attorney: So, the date of your baby’s conception was August 8th?
I’ve never really understood or cared why the Fourth of July is called Independence Day. I know it’s the celebration of the signing of the Declaration of Independence but in this day and age who really cares? It’s just become another excuse to have a long weekend and a day off and to drink and party and be foolish. It seems to me that only a very small percentage of the country really understands what is being celebrated on the Fourth of July.
Many years ago, while on a long weekend to Cape Cod I purchased a T-shirt in a shop in Provincetown. The minute I saw the shirt I knew I had to have it. I continued to wear it for years until it fell apart. I have since purchased another and wear it proudly. It’s a short statement of fact that I’m proud to wear across my chest, “I love my country and fear our government.” A simple yet true statement and even truer today than when I bought it. Mixing politics with patriotism is a dangerous thing and it still scares the hell out of me. Relying on our current crop of inept politicians to keep this county secure and on the right path is frightening at best. For me the Fourth of July is a bogus holiday. We should celebrate it on February 29 (Leap Year), every four years. Here is sample of how one of the Founding Fathers felt about it.
Did you know? John Adams believed that July 2nd was the correct date on which to celebrate the birth of American independence, and would reportedly turn down invitations to appear at July 4th events in protest.
It apparently wasn’t considered an American Holy Day back then. Those poor politicians hadn’t yet discovered the essentials needed to celebrate properly, charcoal brickettes, gas grills, and an endless supply of alcohol and weed. Mix all of that together with a few idiot politicians and you’ve got a real current-day Independence Day celebration.
As a kid I learned to read the newspapers from my parents. At that time there was very little current event news available except by newspaper due to the fact there was no Internet and in my case no television. You either picked up the local news by radio or from the newspapers. In my later years I occasionally read newspapers on Sunday mornings, and it took a couple of hours because the newspapers were at least 3 inches thick. A few years later I again took to reading the Sunday papers primarily looking for jobs. I never really appreciated the newspapers like I should have and there are times I do miss being able to wake up on a Sunday morning, make a huge mug of hot coffee, and sit and read every word of every page of the New York Times or the Pittsburgh Press. Unfortunately, with the passing of time newspapers are slowly fading away. I can’t let that happen without having a little fun with them before they’re all gone which means today, you’re going to get some more of our more humorous newspaper headlines supplied by many alleged professional editors. Have fun with it.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Alzheimer’s Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember
I for one dislike the media as much as anyone. Not that they’ve ever had anything bad to say about me personally but I hate how they consistently mislead the public by slanting their stories either to the left or to the right. I think the leftwing as it currently exists is pitiful and vicious. What gets ratings pleases their corporate owners and their promotion of inhouse biases. The right wing is just as bad, and they never hesitate to pull the same lame stunts that the left wing uses. The victims in all of this are “We the People”. I thought I’d do a little research and look back through the records to see how other people thought and felt about the media in years past. Some of these posted opinions remain anonymous and with good reason. Many of the others are opinions about the media by some of their other victims, primarily celebrities and people of wealth. Let’s see what you think.
“The mission of the modern newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” Anonymous
“I always said that when we don’t have to go through you bastards, we can really get our story over to the American people.” John Fitzgerald Kennedy – 1962
“The press is like the peculiar uncle you keep in the attic – just one of those unfortunate things.” G. Gordon Liddy
“Tabloids are fast reading for the slow thinking.” Anonymous
“The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.” Samuel Butler
“An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he’d have someone to look up to.” Gene Fowler
“The freedom of the press works in such a way that there is not much freedom from it.” Princess Grace of Monaco
“The most truthful part of a newspaper is the advertisements.” Thomas Jefferson
“The most guileful among the reporters are those who appear friendly and smile and seem to be supportive. They are the ones who seek to gut you on every occasion.” Mayor Ed Koch – 1984
“Mother (Bess Truman) considered a press conference on a par with a visit to a cage of cobras.” Margaret Truman
And here’s one of my all-time favorite quotes about the media. This is from the man who received the ultimate media related colonoscopy and deserved every minute and inch of it.
“People in the media say they must look at the president with
a microscope. Now I don’t mind a microscope, but boy, when
Being born and raised in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania requires from an early age that you be a Steeler fan and a Pirates fan. I guess I’m kind of a fair-weather fan and have staunchly followed the Steelers passionately for decades. The Pirates not so much. They’ve had a few good years here and there from the 1960 World Championship to the years with Willie Stargel and his teammates. They’ve attempted over the years to obtain players with high expectations i.e. Dave Parker, with little or no success. Today I’ll tell you a short story about one of their outstanding choices, Dock Ellis.
In June of 1970 the Pirates finished a two-game series in San Francisco and were enroute to San Diego, and it was not Ellise’s turn to pitch. He spent the day prior in Los Angeles with friends, relaxing, and dropping acid. It wasn’t until the morning of the 12th that his friend’s girlfriend told him the Pirates had a doubleheader in San Diego that afternoon and because of the extra game, Ellis was expected to take the mound. He hopped onto a shuttle and made it to the ballpark just in time to start his game. Through the nine innings he pitched, he struck out six batters, walked eight, but gave up no hits and won the game, 2-0. He later stated “I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I was zeroed in on the catcher’s glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters, and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t.”
Ellis was known as an “odd duck” when he showed up at pregame warmups wearing hair curlers. It took an order from the Commissioner of Baseball to stop the madness. He had incredible pitching skills with a superhuman and high velocity fastball. In 1974, while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds, he hoped to motivate his team by taking aim at the other teams’ players – literally. In the first inning alone, he beaned three players (including Pete Rose) before throwing the ball behind Hall of Fame catcher Johnny Bench’s head, after which he was promptly removed from the game.
Since the Pirates are having a moderately successful season this year, I can only assume they’ve stopped using the same set of requirements that brought them Dock Ellis. I’m yet to be convinced like so many die-hard fans seem to be. I’ll wait and see like I’ve done for decades with my fingers crossed and my head firmly buried in the sand.
It’s that time again for a New Years Resolution update. With June approaching soon, let’s call this my mid-year review. In past years I’ve stumbled repeatedly with only moderate successes. I hope 2023 has better results but let’s just see.
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Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors out there). Kindle has advised me that I’ve finished 48 books so far this year. I’m on track to make this a really successful reading year.
Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.) I’ve done better with this resolution than expected. I’ve been confined to my home for the last three months with minimal contact with friends and family. We all know and understand that it’s the other people in our lives that helps to create F-Bombs, so I’m looking good for 2023 (so far).
Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin. (That’s mostly for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.) Again, my three-month confinement is saving me a boat load of Dunkin expenditures. The only person suffering is my better-half.
Drink less alcohol than last year but more than next year. (I’m dreaming!) What was I thinking? This one never had a chance.
Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked) This is another failure. Everyone knows that ten porn sites can easily be perused in under ten minutes. I truly set myself up to fail and trust me, I’ve failed miserably (you can’t see this huge smile on my face). It’s the smile of a happy and excited loser.
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No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!) I’m sure my neighbors are missing my fantastic dance routines and to them I apologize. It’s tough for me to “kick up my heels” while using a wheelchair, a walker, or a cane. Never fear, I should be healed by Labor Day and the show must go on.
Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is totry) This was doomed to immediate failure.
Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (Or maybe learn one or two new ones from them.) I received a real surprise on this one. It seems that both of them have been picking up the lingo from other sources (internet, school, and friends). The ten-year-old actually asked me if I knew what the “F” word was. I immediately denied any knowledge of that bad word because I knew if I admitted anything, he’d rush home and rat me out to his mother. I still have a chance to have some success here. Five swear words in 6 months . . . easy-peasy.
Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years. This one is difficult. Telling doctors anything is like “pissing into the wind” and that tends to make me really impolite at times.
everyuselessthing.com 