I’ve always been a people watcher and loved nothing more than to talk to someone I’ve never met before. People interest me primarily because I made my living talking to them. I was at times surprised and shocked by some of their attempts to communicate with me, either on the phone, in person, or in their writings. I was cleaning out some old files recently and came upon a handwritten resume I received for a job I’d posted for a multi-state investigator position (many years ago). The job had quite a bit of responsibility for multiple locations in a number of surrounding states. Needless to say, I needed someone absolutely trustworthy. I’ll type the body of this resume I received because the handwriting was god-awful. My question to you is: Would you have hired this person to secure your business, home, family or belongings?
Here are excerpts from one of the strangest resumes I’ve ever received. I’ve tried to correct some of the many spelling and grammar errors, or you wouldn’t be able to understand much of this at all. Read on.
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As I answer your advertisement in the newspaper, I would like to tell you something about myself. And of my background. I am not Hispanic! I was married and divorced from a Spaniard and never remarried. I have military and police corrections background. I also have approximately 23 years of retail sales experience, having worked for a number of the larger well-known department stores.
I have traveled extensively over the U.S.A. I grew up in a white ghetto, married a newsman, work in a hospital as a CSR tech. I study law as a hobby but not in the classroom, although I do have two years of college.
I know street language, jail jargon, drug language, petty theft, organized crime and white-collar crime. I do not know much about ballistics.
Because of my background, my Social Security number is being used by four or five people for fraud. That makes it difficult for me to find work. I have never been arrested, charged, or anything similar to it. But the ones using my Social Security numbers have various backgrounds.
I qualify for the for the newly emerging veterans training program, on-the-job training. My salary would be open to negotiations. I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you,
Sincerely and as always, I’m just a gal named Gus
(I can and will relocate or travel)
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After attempting to read and understand the resume, I contacted the local authorities and much to my surprise she was well known in the area as a questionable individual (and not in a good way). I actually responded to her letter to let her know I was running a background check with local police. It came as no surprise to me that she never responded. The refusal letter came back unclaimed.
I thought today I would take a different approach to limericks. I like posting them in categories like children’s limericks, medical limericks and of course the more interesting, body part limericks. So, I want to step away from all of those categories today and share a few called Limericks about Limericks. Here we go.
I’m feeling especially nostalgic today and I’m not sure exactly why. I do enjoy looking back to times that make me smile or laugh out loud which brings me immediately back to the 1990’s. I’m going to relive a few things concerning the 42nd President, Wild Bill Clinton, and his charming yet annoying pant-suited wife Hilary. I admit that Joe Biden is something of an idiot but not in a good way. Clinton was up front about most of his idiotic proclivities because we all knew he was just a six-foot-tall penis looking for a place to play. Also, being married to Hilary garnered him a great deal of sympathy from both the Right and the Left. As a couple they were the best targets for ridicule in decades. Never let it be said that I didn’t give an appropriate mention of his favorite cigar toting pal, Monica Lewinsky (the human humidifier).
Here are a few interesting quotes that will bring back all of the memories of those disturbing years.
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Bill, referring to an excavated Incan mummy.
“You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good looking mummy!”
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Bill, after receiving the Romanian flag while visiting there.
“Thanks for the poncho.”
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Bill, on the UN operation in Bosnia.
“It has not worked. No one can say it has worked, so I decided that we’re either going to do what we said we’re going to do with the UN, or we’re going to do something else.”
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Now for a couple pearls of wisdom from his loving yet understanding better-half.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President.”
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“Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.”
For months I’ve been posting a collection of rather tame limericks written by and for children and young adults. While I certainly enjoy them, I still miss the naughtier limericks that I find absolutely hilarious. It’s true than many limericks are really crude and nasty but be sure those will never see the light of day on this blog. For today these limericks are:
Unfortunately I won’t be blogging about April Fool’s Day pranks but if you must know I was a hardworking, inventive, dedicated, and persistent prankster for most of my life. Enjoy the day and prank as many people as you can. It’s just so very satisfying.
I thought I would also post a number of trivia items that you normally wouldn’t see. My feeling is the more obscure the better. Here we go . . .
Most healthy adults can go without eating for a month or longer. But they must drink at least two quarts of water a day.
The Romans were so fond of eating mice that the upper classes raised them domestically. The rodents were kept in specially designed cages and fed a mixture of assorted nuts.
When tea was first introduced in the American colonies, many housewives, in their ignorance, served the tea leaves with sugar or syrup after throwing away the water in which they had been boiled.
The modern dinner plate is a fairly recent development. Until the fifteenth century, it was customary to eat on a thick slice of stale bread, called a “trencher,” that soaked up the juice.
At the St. Louis World’s Fair in 1904, Richard Blechynden, an Englishman, had a tea concession. On one very hot day none of the fairgoers were interested in hot tea. In a desperate attempt for business, he served the tea cold – and invented iced tea.
Kernels of popcorn were found in the graves of pre-Columbian Indians.
To celebrate in 537 AD, the dedication of the new church, Hagia Sofia – Emperor Justinian held a banquet that caused the slaughtering of more than 10,000 sheep, oxen, swine, poultry, and deer.
To make one pound of honey, bees must collect nectar from approximately two million flowers.
Any day is a good day for limericks whether they be bawdy, funny, or cute. Anything to make us smile a little is certainly worth the effort. Since we’ve all loved our years of school and our family pets, here are four related limericks and they’re relatively child friendly as well.
I just love reading and listening to news and current events, not for their overwhelming truthfulness but for their misleading and sometimes stupid inaccuracies. Once upon a time the news was reported by actual journalists who dug up the information and submitted it to highly capable editors to keep things as accurate as possible. Unfortunately, these days we have a huge selection of news readers and talking heads with nice hair, big boobs, all handsome and beautiful, who all get their stories as reported to them by the general use wire services. They’re lucky if they can pronounce some of the words properly. Here are a few of my favorite headlines that are both ridiculous and ludicrous.
LARGER KANGAROOS LEAP FURTHER, RESEARCHERS FIND
ALCOHOL ADS PROMOTE DRINKING
CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
SURVEY FINDS DIRTIER SUBWAYS FTER CLEANING JOBS WERE CUT
SCIENTISTS SEE QUAKES IN L. A. FUTURE
MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE
I think these headlines have helped make my point. Pay close attention to all of those alleged reporters as you watch their multitude of news programs and opinion pieces!
I’ve been trying for days to post something but these damn storms are screwing up almost everything. Our power and internet returned today after 24 hours of silence and I wanted to post before the next catastrophe arrives.
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It feels good to be back to some semblance of normalcy. My first post-op inspection revealed my poor fractured ankle is on the mend. The doctor assures me that only five more weeks of a walker and wheelchair and I should be good to go. That news eases the pressure a little and makes getting back to this blog a little easier. I’ll be happy to provide a few limericks today to make you smile as little.
I’ve had more time to contemplate things and myself over the last few years than I ever thought I would have. Many years as a workaholic kept me running at an insane pace leaving very little time for self-evaluation and concerns of conforming to meet the expectations of others. As busy and crazy as my life was at the time, I always looked for a way to separate myself from the crowd. It was done without a lot of thought, and I paid a price for all of my more stupid decisions. I always felt that I had to be different and regardless of the consequences I pursued that end. Overall, it was worth doing because I learned a lot about myself and about many of my closest family and friends, they gave me a steady drumbeat for most of my life of “your being weird” or “get with the program”. One of the phrases I hated the most was “That’s the way we’ve always done it.” That was like “fingernails on a blackboard” for me. For you youngsters, check with your parents if you want to know what a blackboard is. I’ve spent the last few weeks, bedridden with a fractured ankle with plenty of time to reflect on things. I must be doing and saying something right because my ever-present bodyguard, my cat Lucy, has been agreeing with me on everything. I thought in fairness I would search out a second opinion and who better to ask than my favorite smartass, Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
“Your conscience is a nuisance. A conscience is like a child. If you pet it and play with it and let it have everything that it wants, it becomes spoiled and intrudes on all of your amusements and griefs. Treat your conscience as you would anything else. When it is rebellious, spank it – be severe with it, argue with it, prevent it from coming to play with you at all hours, and you will secure a good conscience; that is to say, a properly trained one. A spoiled one simply destroys all the pleasure in life. I think I have reduced mine to order. At least, I haven’t heard from it for some time. Perhaps I have killed it from over severity,”
Being stuck in this house and this bed is driving me crazier than usual. Now that the Cov-19 has come and gone I still have a twenty-pound cast on my leg. I’m still limited by some door sizes which are too small for this freaking wheelchair to get through. Let me apologize, I immediately start to whine and feel sorry for myself when things aren’t going my way. It’s just human nature I suppose. I decided I would find a few items of trivia to help breakup your day. These are a mish-mosh of items collected totally at random. I hope you enjoy them.
An Egyptian papyrus, dated at approximately 1850 B.C., gives us the earliest record of a method to prevent pregnancies. It required putting into the vagina a concoction of honey, soda, crocodile excrement, and some sort of gummy substance.
Between the mid-1860’s and 1883, the bison population in North America was reduced from an estimated 13 million to a few hundred.
Not a single bank existed anywhere in the thirteen colonies before the American Revolution. Anyone needing money had to borrow from an individual.
After twenty years as a faithful unpaid servant of the Duke of Windsor, Walter Monckton was rewarded with a cigarette case on which his name was engraved – and misspelled.
In the seventeenth century, and principally during the period of the Thirty Years War, approximately sixty million people in Europe died from smallpox.
A conventional sign of virginity in Tudor England was a high exposed bosom and a sleeve full to the wrists.
If all of the water vapor in the Earth’s atmosphere were condensed at the same time, there would be enough water to cover the United States (including Alaska and Hawaii) with twenty-five feet of water.
The British erected in London’s Trafalgar Square a statue of U.S President George Washington, whose armies overthrew British rule in the colonies.
When John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963, it was not a federal felony to kill a President of the United States.
For fear he might conceal a joke in it was one reason why Benjamin Franklin was not entrusted by his peers with the assignment of writing the Declaration of Independence.
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