Limericks are the best. I’ve been reading them for years and writing a great many of my own. My limerick archives go all the way back to 1879. I did discover that posting some of those really old ones requires a bit of a rewrite. Some of the profanities back then were just gratuitous and actually detracted from the overall entertainment value. I may have softened the language a little but they’re still a fun read. Todays selections are related specifically to younger women. Don’t complain to me about the content, the people who wrote these have been dead a very long time.
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong
You expected this line to be lewd. (1944)
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A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom. (1944)
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There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you’d probably think,
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass. (1940)
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I’m tempted to post a few of my own limericks but unfortunately they’re very rude and sexual explicit. I may rewrite them someday but not today. Instead I offer up a rather lame poem of mine written about my first sexual experience, to show all of you what a freaking romantic I’m not. LOL
I’ve had the fortune or misfortune to live for almost 8 decades. Each decade had interesting points and just as many that were anything but. The 1950’s and early 1960’s meant very little to me because I was just a kid. Things got much more interesting in the late 1960’s where my real life education began. Free love and marijuana introduced me to a number of interesting things which made my life much more pleasant. The 1970’s introduced me to the work force and a lot of fun disappeared overnight. When the 1980’s arrived things once again became interesting. Todays post is a short quiz concerning the Pop Culture of the 1980’s. Ten questions that should be easy to answer for those of us who survived the decade. Let’s see how you do. As always the answers are below.
1. __________ was one of the musical styles influenced by the 1980’s fashions?
2. The hit show Miami Vice was on what TV network?
3. What year did MTV first go on the air?
4. Other than Levi, what were the cool name-brand jeans in the 80’s?
5. The Afterschool Special appeared on what TV network?
6. __________ was Johnny Carson’s trusty sidekick for entirety of his show?
7. What year did the home video game industry crash?
8. Young people often called their portable cassette players __________ in the 1980’s?
9. __________ and __________ were the star actors on Miami Vice?
10. The Intellivision video game console was made by what company?
Loving the phone!
ANSWERS
Punk; New Wave; Heavy Metal; Rap/Hip Hop; Country, NBC, 1981, Guess, ABC, Ed McMahon, 1983, Boom Box; Ghetto Blaster, Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas, Mattel.
(Just for the official record I scored 7 out of 10.)
While I’m not a complete sports fanatic, I remain an ardent NFL Fan. I was born and raised in the Pittsburgh area and my father created a rabid Steeler fan (me) at a very young age. I’ve celebrated in the 70″s when the Steeler’s won four Super bowls and then I moved to Boston. How could I possibly deny the Patriots with Tom Brady at the helm? It’s been a real pleasure to live through the rise and fall of those dynasties. Todays post will test your memory when you attempt to identify these players by their nicknames. As always the answers will be listed below.
Who was known as TheAssassin?
Who was nicknamed Bronco?
Who was known as Crazy Legs?
Who was The Galloping Ghost?
Who besides Deion Sanders was once called Hollywood?
Who was The Toe?
Tom Brady #2 Fav
Who was Broadway Joe?
Who was nicknamed Night Train?
Who was Tombstone?
Who was called White Shoes?
Who was known as The Alabama Antelope?
Who was The Flying Dutchman?
Baker Mayfield #3 Fav
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GO STEELERS
GO PATRIOTS
GO BUCS
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ANSWERS
Jack Tatum, Bronislau Nagurski, Elroy Hirsch, Harold “Red” Grange, Tom Henderson, Joe Namath, Dick Lane, Rich Jackson, Billy Johnson, Don Huston, Steve Van Buren, Lou Groza.
Here is a list of trivial items you’ve always wished you knew.
You could swim through the veins of a blue whale.
The white-throated snapping turtle of Australia breathes through it butt.
In order for Earth to become a black hole, its entire mass would have to be compressed into a space less than 1 inch in diameter.
In 1929, the famous television dog Rin-Tin-Tin received the most votes for the Academy Award for best actor but didn’t win.
The leading role in the movie Forest Gump, was originally offered to John Travolta.
Deviant Artistry
John Wayne was offered the lead role in Blazing Saddles by Mel Brooks but turned it down.
The famous Dr. children’s book Green Eggs and Ham contained just 50 different words.
At various points in history the Olympics included competitions in categories such as painting, engraving, architecture, literature, and town planning.
During World War II, so many NFL players were fighting in the war that the rival Philadelphia Eagles and Pittsburgh Steelers temporarily teamed up to form a team called the “Steagles“.
Until recently, Russia did not consider beer an alcoholic drink. Anything containing less than 10% alcohol is considered a soft drink in Russia until 2011.
ONE OF MY FAVS
More people are killed by vending machines each year than sharks.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by a woman. Many females are using a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.” The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply asks him to come home with her for some no-strings attached sex.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this Beer scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book
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A man walks into a bar and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer. The bartender says, “Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem.” The man replies, N-n-no k-k-kidding!” The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!” The man says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know” A week later, the same man returns to the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.” The bartender says, “Why didn’t you do what I told you?” “I d-d-did try”, said the man. “It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work. But I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-nice apartment.
AND TO MY BETTER-HALF AND ALL OF YOU OTHER BEER FANATICS
I feel like celebrating today due primarily to four consecutive days with no rain and being able to sleep at night without an electric blanket. It’s mid-June and winter keeps trying to hang on and I’m sick of it. Here are four moderately suggestive limericks I would rate at PG-13. Keep the kids away while you read them. Let’s get started.
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There once was a horny old witch With a motorized dildo which She would use with delight All day and into the night Twenty bucks at Abercrombie and Fitch.
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Nymphomaniacal Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina, And her ass-hole in Buckingham Palace
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There was a young woman of Croft Who played with herself in a loft, Having reasoned that candles Would never cause scandals, Besides which it never went soft.
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An agreeable young girl named Miss Doves Likes to masturbate the men that she loves. She’ll use her bare fist If the fellows insist But she really prefers to wear gloves.
It’s once again time for me to justify this blog’s name. Here are twelve items of Useless Information that aren’t commonly known.
Although the earth is 70% water, just 1% of it is considered drinkable.
The first people to measure Mount Everest lied about tall it was. Their measurement was exactly 29,000 feet but they thought no one would believe it came to that exact measurement so they added two more feet to the total.
The animal with the longest hibernation period is a frog.
Every planet in the solar system could fit in the space between Earth and the moon even if you include Pluto.
Neil Armstrong claims that he actually said, “That’s one small step for a man” when he landed on the moon.
Arnold Schwarzenegger almost missed out on the title role in Terminator to none other than O.J. Simpson.
The mask worn by Michael Myers in the Halloween series was actually a white plastic Captain Kirk mask.
Bill Buckner had more career hits than Ted Williams.
No one has ever recorded a perfect March Madness bracket.
Cleopatra’s reign was closer to the date of the moon landings than the building of the pyramids.
The United States government once poisoned beer during prohibition.
The first bomb dropped by the Allies on Germany during World War II killed an elephant. It fell on the Berlin zoo.
I’ve always been attracted to graveyards. There’s no better place to paint, sketch or write than the peaceful quietness of a graveyard. It’s one of the few places still left where someone can go and relax without interferences from the rest of the living human race. I once lived in a city called Lakeville in Massachusetts and for many years I was known far and wide by the police departments and many citizens as someone who was consistently haunting local graveyards. In the Plymouth area there are still tombstones from the 1600’s with some truly bizarre epithets and poetry. I just takes a little time and dedication to find them. Todays post will contain what some people would consider morbid information and that’s true, it is a little morbid but it’s still interesting. Being the kind and generous soul that I am, I’m willing to share.
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“Haircut!” Last words of famous gangster Albert Anastasia in 1957 while getting a trim.
“Smite my womb.” Spoken by Agrippina, mother of Nero, to the assassins sent to kill her by her son.
“The strongest.” Uttered by Alexander the Great when asked who should succeed him.
“The executioner is, I believe, an expert . . . and my neck is very slender. Oh God, have pity on my soul, . . . ” as she was beheaded.
“I hope so.” Stated by Andrew Carnegie, steel magnet and philanthropist, to his wife who’d just wished him a good night:
Epithets
Burlington, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin.
Since my retirement I’ve become addicted to watching old black and white movies and TV shows. Say what you want, it takes more than special effects to make a movie or TV worth watching. I’ve been hooked on the old Wyatt Earp shows, Peter Gunn, and The Saint (both movies and TV). It amazes me how well they’ve held up over the decades since their production. Todays quiz involves ten questions about old movies and TV shows. As always the answers will be listed below.
What famous character actor prepared for a career in psychiatry, studying and working with pioneer psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler, before turning to acting?
Who wrote the scripts for his own films under pseudonyms that included Otis T. Criblecoblis and Mahatma K. Jeeves?
Who provided Mickey Mouse’s high-pitched voice in the early Walt Disney film starring the animated mouse?
Who sung Miss Piggy singing voice in The Muppet Movie?
Who played Scorpio, the statistic killer, in Clint Eastwood’s 1971 film, Dirty Harry?
What was Boris Karloff’s real name?
Who was Fred Astaire’s first silver screen dancing partner?
Who played Vincent Price’s menacing music assistant in the 3-D horror film House of Wax?
Where did Charlie Chaplin place when he entered a Charlie Chapman look-alike contest in Monte Carlo?
In what film did the star propose by saying, “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse?”
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Answers
Peter Lorre, W.C. Fields, Walt Disney, Johnny Mathis, Andy Robinson son of Edward G., William Henry Pratt, Joan Crawford, Charles Bronson, Third Place, Groucho Marx.
I really do try to avoid writing about politics and politicians. No matter what you write your going to piss off a great many people. I’ve always found politics to be a necessary evil but I avoid political discussions religiously and religious discussions politically. It can be a great source of humor which is it’s biggest selling point for me. I do miss the days of Marion Barry in DC and his constant stream of misstatements and BS. I prayed that he would eventually run for Congress and be elected because the shit-storm he could have caused would’ve had me laughing for years. In his honor I dedicate this post of some of his most incredibly stupid quotes and nose-sniffing behavior. It makes me very nostalgic.
“I’m providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised . . .”
“The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.”
“I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”
“I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?”
“What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude.”
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
“There are two kinds of truth. There are real truths, and there are made-up truths.”
I am a great mayor, I am an outstanding Christian man, I am an intelligent man, I am a deeply educated man, and I’m a humble man.”
everyuselessthing.com 