Archive for the ‘Law’ Category
I was watching Peacock Network last night and made the mistake of tuning in a show where Snoop Dog and three moron friends reviewed videos of stupid people, both criminal and criminally stupid. Between all of the F-Bombs and gratuitous crap about weed, I was bored to tears. So today I’ll give you my written version of that and nary an F-Bomb will be heard. Stream this Doggy boy!
DONT ASK
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, “Crook, come forward.” Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
WRONG ALIBI
In Springfield, Mo. Vernon Wayne Richmond, 18, stood up in court to give the details of his crime as part of a plea bargain to cocaine possession. Richmond said he found cocaine, put it in his pocket, and then was arrested by police after a Wal-Mart guard detained him. Unfortunately, Richmond had misunderstood which of his cases the plea was for. Actually, the district attorney was prosecuting him for an earlier arrest for having cocaine in his car and was unaware of the Wal-Mart arrest.
LAY THAT PISTOL DOWN, BABE
In Annapolis, Md., during a celebration of Gregory Johnson’s 32nd birthday, his cousin Darwin Derwood Coates, 21, tucked a .22-caliber handgun into the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the groin. As guests tried to assist Coates, Johnson relieved him of the gun and stuck it in the most convenient place he could find, which was the waistband of his own trousers. The gun fired again, striking Johnson in the buttocks. Both men were hospitalized.
TA! DA!
I’ve been associated with Law Enforcement both as a police officer and also as a private citizen. I’ve seen a lot of things that were more than a little strange and some more than a little scary. So, when I stumbled upon this list that I’m about to post I wasn’t all that surprised. In the past I’ve posted about some strange laws still on the books in this country, but this list takes the cake. This is about weird sex laws gathered from a number of states and to say they’re a little bizarre is an understatement. Here we go . . .
- In Harrisburg, PA, there’s a law against having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
- In Newcastle, WY, there’s a law against having sex in a butcher shop freezer.
- In Clinton, OK, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
- In Tremonton, UT, you aren’t permitted to have sex in an ambulance.
- In Alexandria, MN, it’s illegal for a man to have sex with his wife if he has the smell of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
- In Willowdale, OR a husband cannot talk dirty in his wife’s ear during sex.
- In Ames, IA, there’s a law against a man drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
- In Ventura, CA, there’s a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
- In Kingsville, TX there’s a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville Airport property.
WELCOME TO THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE WEIRD
I’ve spent most of my life obeying and enforcing the laws of the land. First, as a cop, and then as a private cop for companies throughout the country. I’ve always believed in what I did and felt proud as I dedicated my time and energy to something bigger than myself. That was ‘yesterday’ and unfortunately ‘today’ it’s become something less noble. I can’t praise our law enforcement officers enough because the job has become almost impossible to do. Between the bleeding-heart liberal judges and the thousands of attorneys doing their level best every day to muddy the waters of what’s right and what’s wrong, it’s no wonder the society is suffering.
Everyone seems to complain that the system is broken but no one knows or even tries to fix it. It’s much easier to just send cops out into the streets knowing that if they make one solitary move or say one solitary thing to a citizen, they’ll be ridiculed or worse within minutes. There are times when it’s justified but all cops don’t deserve that kind of ridicule. Our forefathers are a joke to many people these days, but they saw this coming over three hundred years ago. Read on.
Alexander Hamilton (1757-1804) & James Madison (1751-1836)
“The Federalist Papers”
“It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood, if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man, who knows what the law is today, can guess what it will be tomorrow.”
TAKE TIME TO THANK A COP FOR HIS SERVICE
Today is Thursday but it just feels like a dreary Monday. I was awakened at 4:30 am by my better-half who was preparing to leave at 6:00 am for a drive to Florida. She was accompanied by her daughter and two grandsons both under the age of ten (OMFG). She tried desperately to convince me to ride along but fortunately for me I had other plans today. My other plans consist of some quality time with my least favorite doctor, the oncologist. I’ve always thought that being a proctologist might be the worst job on the planet but after the last three years I’ve changed my mind about that. Being an oncologist has to be the worst. Their job is vitally important but dealing with cancer and death on a regular basis is grueling for both the patients, nurses, and doctors. I’m hoping for good news today as always when dealing with them. So while I sit here preparing myself for that visit I thought I’d post a few things about four truly dumb asses.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front cover from an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was later sentenced to four years in jail.
OKAY, SO YOU’RE A MAN
A 38-year-old man passed away in Pennsylvania a couple of hours after going to the home of a friend to see his snakes. According to the friend, the man had playfully reached into a cobra’s tank and picked up the snake and was bitten. Refusing a ride to the hospital, the man said, “I’m a man, I can handle it,” and instead went to a bar, where he had three drinks and bragged to patrons that he had just been bitten by a cobra. An hour later, he was dead.
READING ABOUT DUMB ASSES ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP
Many, many, many years ago I was a state police officer in Pennsylvania. There’s no question that being a cop is a tough job and it’s even worse these days. There’s an old saying amongst cops that police work is “Hundreds of hours of boring patrol work and the occasional 2 or 3 minutes of absolute terror”. While I agree with that there’s also something else that all cops must deal with. That is stupid criminals. We had another saying I was extremely fond of and that was “If it weren’t for stupid criminals, we’d never catch anyone”. That was meant to be funny, but some of the best laughs I’ve ever had in my life had to do with the people I met during investigations and the statements they gave in response to my questions. Here are a few examples of situations other cops have dealt with that might tickle your funny bone.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE $2000?
Army military policeman Daniel Christian Bowden, 20, was arrested at the Fort Belvoir (Va.) Federal Credit Union as he attempted to deposit almost $3,000 of cash into his account. A teller called police on Bowden because she recognized him as the very man who had robbed the credit union of nearly $5,000 two weeks earlier.
STEAL THE RIGHT THING
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
BATTLE OF THE BULGE
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
PLEASE ARREST ME
Carlos Manuel Perez, 21, was jailed in Anniston, Ala. after a series of missteps that almost begged for his arrest. He stopped in front of a local government building in a stolen car, which had no license plate. His intention, he told the first person he saw, was to inquire about getting a non-photo identification card, since he was not carrying a driver’s license. That first person happened to be Sheriff Larry Amerson, in uniform. When pressed for ID, Perez produced a social security card with the name Matthew Nowaczewski (though Perez has a dark-skinned Hispanic complexion). He also produced a birth certificate under that name but with some information erased and rewritten in pen, including his birthplace of “MiSSSissippi.” Said Amerson later, “I know I’m from Alabama, but I’m not that stupid.”
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
A few months ago, I posted a page of interesting quotes by women. I promised at that time I’d find others and post them, today is the day. I really don’t feel the need to get into a rant about how difficult it is to find quotes by women even though they’re making quotable statements every day. It just seems the authors of books of quotations have a somewhat limited supply of female contributors. For today I think a few thoughts on feminism might make for an interesting read. Here we go . . .
- “Time is at hand when the voices of the feminine mystique can no longer drown out the inner voice that is driving women on to become complete.” Betty Friedan
- “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal . . . The history of mankind is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations on the part of man towards woman, having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over her.” Elizabeth Cady Stanton
- “Woman’s liberation is the liberation of the feminine in the man and the masculine in the woman.” Carita Kent
- “It was the usual masculine disillusionment in discovering that a woman has a brain.” Margaret Mitchell
- “The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less.” Susan B Anthony
- “We’re half the people; we should be half the Congress.” Jeanette Rankin
- “Men who want to support women in our struggle for freedom and justice should understand that it is not terrifically important to us that they learn to cry; it is important to us that they stop the crimes of violence against us.” Andrea Dworkin
- “I am more than a hole.” Karen Finley
- “As a woman, I have no country. As a woman, I want no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.” Virginia Woolf
- “One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.” Simone de Beauvoir
NUFF SAID
I’ve been on a kick of late concerning presidents, being presidential, and making timely and effective decisions. It’s easy for me to sit here in my home and criticize because I’ve never been in a position with that amount of power and the ability to use at will. It doesn’t change the fact that I think Biden is totally useless as a president, and he may even be the nicest guy in the world, but he is not presidential. So rather than criticize Biden and his ilk today I’m going to list a number of statements made by former presidents about the job, the responsibilities, and the difficulties. It certainly cleared my head on some misconceptions after reading them and I hope it will do the same for you.
JOHN QUINCY ADAMS
“I can tell you this: no man who ever held the office of President would congratulate a friend on obtaining it. Make no mistake about it, the four most miserable years of my life where my four years in the Presidency.”
DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER
“Oh, That lovely title, ex-President.
ANDREW JACKSON
“I can say with truth mine is a situation of dignified slavery.
LYNDON B. JOHNSON
“The Presidency has made every man who occupied it, no matter how small, bigger than he was; and no matter how big, not big enough for its demands.”
JOHN F. KENNEDY
“A President certainly must have . . . character, judgment, vigor, intellectual curiosity, a sense of history, and a strong sense of the future.”
RICHARD M. NIXON
“When the President does it, that means that it’s not illegal.
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT
“One thing is sure. We have to do something. We have to do the best we know how at the moment . . . If it doesn’t turn out right, we can modify it as we go along.”
HARRY S. TRUMAN
“Always, if you ever pray, pray for me now. I don’t know if you fellas ever had a load of hay fall on you, but when they told me yesterday what happened, I felt like the moon, the stars and all the planets had fallen on me. I got the most terrible job a man ever had.”
ANYONE OUT THERE CRAZY ENOUGH TO APPLY FOR THAT JOB?
Marion Shepilov Barry was an American politician who served as the second and fourth mayor of the District of Columbia from 1979 to 1991 and 1995 to 1999.
Who is the dumbest? This might be the stupidest question ever asked by anyone including myself. There is so much dumb going around in recent years, it would take me forever to put a coherent list together of the worst of them. I’ve been alive a long time and I’ve seen dumb, heard dumb, and on occasion spoke dumb myself. It’s only right that I’ve chosen to honor former mayor Marion Barry of Washington D.C. fame. He had problems putting together an eight-word sentence and if you don’t believe me, read on. His dumbness was also all too obvious when it came to hookers and crack cocaine. Someone at his level of stupid deserves to be memorialized by me, today and here are his tidbits of wisdom . . .
- “I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised . . .”
- “What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude.”
- “The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against adversity during this long period of increment weather.”
- “I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”
- “I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol, can you deny that Africa?”
- “What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?”
- “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
- “People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them than? Would it?”
- “There are two kinds of truth. There are real truths, and there are made up truths.”
- “I am a great mayor, I am an upstanding Christian man, I am an intelligent man, I am a deeply educated man, and I’m a humble man.”
How could we possibly go wrong when this is the standard someone has to meet to be elected in the nation’s capitol. Is it any wonder Washington D.C. and Congress are eternally screwed up? Instead of firing and prosecuting Mayor Barry, we should have elected him President, it worked so well for Bill Clinton, so why not. I shouldn’t complain, I guess. If all politicians were actually what they claimed to be I wouldn’t have anything to write about.
IT’S TOO BAD ABOUT BARRY, BUT HE WAS NO DAN QUAYLE
Today’s the day for another somewhat gross and disgusting posting in line with my Crime and Punishment post from a few days ago. I’m not trying to be morbid, but exploring the human condition is interesting. In these days of Islamic terrorism where 10% of Muslims (rough estimate) want to kill us, I thought a historical review of torture techniques might be in order.
There was such an uproar made about the United States allowing waterboarding a few years back that the following list of torture techniques might have some of those terrorists praying for waterboarding. I’m a firm believer if somebody’s out kill you it is within your rights to do anything (and I mean anything) to protect yourself and an absolute requirement that you kill them back. If waterboarding helps keep me and mine safe, so be it. This list should let everyone know that things could be a helluva lot worse.
- Foot Roasting – Victim immobilized on a frame and his bare soles coated with lard or oil and roasted over an open fire.
- Pitch Capping – Boiling hot tar is poured into a bowl, which is then poured onto the bound victim. This boils the scalp. Then when the cap is ripped off it brings the scalp with it.
- Denailing – Finger and toenails are ripped off by forcing flaming skewers tipped with sulphur under them.
- The Rack – The victim is stretched over a rack with ropes ties to the hands and feet. The body is slowly stretched until the cords cut through the flesh of the arms.
- Water Cure – Using a funnel the victim is forced to drink large quantities of water or nastier liquids. This causes great pain and vomiting when the stomach is distended. It is repeated as often as necessary.
- Foot Beating – Beating the soles of the feet with a metal bar or stick.
And last but not least for the more liberal of our citizens and preapproved by the Democratic Party, intense tickling till they scream and a serious threat of calling their mother, should keep those terrorists awake nights. Brutal but necessary.
I ALWAYS LIKED THAT INTENSE TICKLING
Being a former police officer, I still maintain interest in all things criminal, crime related, and punishment. I’m also a big fan of almost any book, fiction or nonfiction, about investigations concerning any crime you can think of. That makes today Crime and Punishment Trivia Day and I’ll pass along a few tidbits you may find interesting.
Let’s go back in history a few hundred years to examine methods of punishment for murderers, rapists, and traitors. From what I can see they were a little harsher with punishment than we seem to be these days.
- First on the list is the wheel. Criminals were lashed to a wagon wheel and their limbs bludgeoned or broken by brute force. Ugly but effective.
- Next, we have boiling. The criminals were immersed in boiling water, oil, or hot tar and fried to death. Yuck! Soups on.
- Another favorite was flaying. That involves the removal of a person’s skin which could keep the criminal alive for a day or two until he died from shock. I’d say this is really cruel and really unusual punishment.
- This is a Chinese favorite called “The Death of a Thousand Cuts”. It is where the criminal was lashed to a frame and over a period of days pieces of their body were severed and removed with a knife. Had to be the Mongolians who started this trend.
- This crowd-pleaser is called disembowelment. The criminal’s abdomen was opened while alive with a knife, and his organs were individually removed, particularly the bowels. No comment on this disgusting method since I had it done to me but with an anesthesia.
- Impalement involves driving a pointed stake through the victim’s body from the rectum up through the breast and shoulder. Ouch!!!!!
- Stoning is when a large group of people were gathered together to throw stones at the criminal. The point here is that no single person is responsible for the death, it’s a group act. What a Sharia loving group.
- Decapitation is the removal of the victims’ head by knife, sword, ax, or guillotine. One way to keep ahead of the criminals.
- Burning at the stake involves exposing the criminal to direct flames or heat until death occurs. Barbecues had to start somewhere.
- Hanging, drawn, and quartering requires criminals to be dragged behind a horse to a platform where they were then hanged, removed just before the moment of death, and then castrated, disemboweled, beheaded, and quartered. That’s like killing the criminal three times over.
- And last but not least an unusual punishment popular in Southeast Asia from the 11th – 18th centuries. The criminal is tied up, placed under the foot of an elephant, and then crushed. No more circus visits for me, I’ll have nightmares.
I think all of the criminals living in this country should count their blessings and except Life Imprisonment Without Chance of Parole as being mighty generous and merciful. It’s hard to imagine how many of these methods were used often and without hesitation. It’s also hard to imagine how they had any crime rate whatsoever when the criminals knew these kinds of punishments were being handed out. But to quote an expert, “Stupid is as Stupid Does”.
THANKS GO OUT TO FORREST GUMP FOR THE QUOTE
everyuselessthing.com 