Archive for the ‘police’ Tag

04-18-2015 Journal – Lawn Tractors & Cuss Words!   Leave a comment

thJAYPGAVD

I decided to do that one big job I had scheduled for today before I blogged anything.  That may have been a huge mistake.  I’ve been putting off doing some repair work to my lawn tractor that  still refuses to start.  I knew it would be a frustration for me because I hate doing things mechanical.  The only mechanical person in my entire  family was my late father who maintained a large float-glass factory for PPG for more than forty years.  He knew everything about machines and he taught me only enough to get me into trouble.  He also over the years taught me how to really and truly cuss.  I was never aware of how many cuss words could be strung together until I worked with him on a few of his projects.

Pop was a professional  cusser and damn proud of it.  I ‘m more like him than I care to admit and if  today was any example I may be better now than he was then.  This effing tractor is driving me insane.  I  was tempted today to just drive it out into the middle of the back yard, douse it with gasoline, and a have a freaking bonfire.

th2VTYXYXQ

After I thought about it a while I decided that doing that would then turn into something else entirely. With my luck some A-Hole from the town might ride by, check to see if I had a burn permit, and then call the cops when they found out I didn’t.  Then the cops would have appeared and issued me a citation which would have sent me right over the edge. That combined with my pissed off attitude over this tractor would have assured me of a ride to the county jail for some sort of disorderly conduct charge.  I know for a fact I’d have used a lot of those good old cuss words my father taught me and then the cop would have cuffed me and dragged me away.

th475GSI0X

If all that had actually occurred it would have cost me a few hundred dollars in fines, a few hours in the jail, and a somewhat questionable relationship with the local police.  Then I would have come home and the real punishment would have started.  I’d have heard each and every one of my father’s favorite cuss words all over again from my petit but really loud better-half. Nothing on earth is worth sitting through that tirade.

With my common sense keeping me from a trip to the jail I ended up saving a few hundred dollars today.  Now if I take that money and hire a real mechanic to fix this damn tractor I just might break even. 

It’s funny how things just keep snowballing along whether we like it or not.

05-05-2014 Coffee-My Favorite Addiction   Leave a comment

th4JDSQ5B7

Over the years I’ve become addicted to coffee in all of it’s forms.  From expresso to roasted coffee beans covered in chocolate, I love it all.  It started when I was in the Army and accelerated once I left the service and became a police officer.  I like it hot and strong and always desire just one more steaming cup.  With all of the activity taking place this Spring it really helps me to stay focused and offers that boast of energy I absolutely require.

One of the better purchases I’ve made in recent months was a K-Kup coffee maker.  I now can change the type and flavor of coffee at a moments notice and I maintain a nice assortment of coffees and teas for my enjoyment.  I’m in a caffeine heaven.

As a change today rather than offering a journal entry I thought I’d pass along a little coffee trivia I’ve collected.  It’s way more interesting than you might think.  Enjoy the following with a nice mug of your favorite brew.

  • The United States is the world’s largest consumer of coffee, importing 16 to 20 million bags annually (2.5 million pounds), representing one-third of all coffee exported. More than half of the United States population consumes coffee. The typical coffee drinker has 3.4 cups of coffee per day. That translates into more than 450,000,000 cups of coffee daily.
  • Legend has it a 9th-century Ethiopian goat herder discovered coffee by accident when he noticed how crazy the beans were making his goats.
  • New Yorkers drink almost 7 times more coffee than other cities in the US.
  • The lethal dose of caffeine is roughly 100 cups of coffee.5. A French doctor in the 1600s suggested Cafe Au Laits for patients, inspiring people to begin adding milk to coffee.
  • Espresso is regulated by the Italian government because it is considered an essential part of their daily life
  • In the 1600s there was a controversy over whether or not Catholics could drink coffee, luckily Pope Clement VIII said it was okay.
  • After the decaffeinating process, processing companies no longer throw the caffeine away; they sell it to pharmaceutical companies.
  • Coffee is the most popular beverage worldwide with over 400 billion cups consumed each year.
  • Coffee lends its popularity to the fact that just about all flavors mix well with it.
  • Here is a recipe from: ‘Kitchen Directory and American Housewife’ (1844)
    "Use a tablespoonful ground to a pint of boiling water [less than a quarter of what we would use today].  Boil in tin pot twenty to twenty-five minutes. If boiled longer it will not taste fresh and lively. Let stand four or five minutes to settle, pour off grounds into a coffee pot or urn. Put fish skin or isinglass size of a nine-pence in pot when put on to boil or else the white and shell of half an egg to a couple of quarts of coffee."

th3MSYOYDW

“My New Best Friend”

  • The United States is the world’s largest consumer of coffee, importing 16 to 20 million bags annually (2.5 million pounds), representing one-third of all coffee exported. More than half of the United States population consumes coffee. The typical coffee drinker has 3.4 cups of coffee per day. That translates into more than 450,000,000 cups of coffee daily.
  • LESS caffeine than medium roasts. The longer a coffee is roasted, the more caffeine burns off during the process.
  • During the American Civil War the Union soldiers were issued eight pounds of ground roasted coffee as part of their personal ration of one hundred pounds of food. And they had another choice: ten pounds of green coffee beans.
  • During World War II the U.S. government used 260 million pounds of instant coffee.
  • If you like your espresso coffee sweet, you should use granulated sugar, which dissolves more quickly, rather than sugar cubes; white sugar rather than brown sugar or candy; and real sugar rather than sweeteners which alter the taste of the coffee.
  • In 1727, as a result of seedlings smuggled from Paris, coffee plants first were cultivated in Brazil. Brazil is presently by far the world’s largest producer of coffee.
  • In the 14th century, the Arabs started to cultivate coffee plants. The first commercially grown and harvested coffee originated in the Arabian Peninsula near the port of Mocha.
  • In the 16th century, Turkish women could divorce their husbands if the man failed to keep his family’s pot filled with coffee.
  • In the year 1790, there were two firsts in the United States; the first wholesale coffee roasting company, and the first newspaper advertisement featuring coffee.
  • Jamaica Blue Mountain is often regarded as the best coffee in the world.
  • Lloyd’s of London began as Edward Lloyd’s coffeehouse.

“Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!”  ~Robin Williams

07-28-2013   4 comments

I’m sticking with another journal entry today due in part to an incident that occurred yesterday.  After having visitors for two days and really enjoying ourselves with them this incident gave us both a reality check we really didn’t need.

My better-half left for work at 6:30 am leaving me lounging half asleep in bed.  I was just dozing off again when my cell phone started singing to me.  Since she has a strange habit of forgetting things I immediately thought I’d be forced to get dressed and deliver her glasses or work keys to her like usual. I couldn’t have been more wrong. She was on the line and sobbing and told me she had been in an accident, her car was smashed, and could I get there right away.

I dressed quickly, grabbed my car keys and was out the door in five minutes.  Fortunately the location of the accident was only a mile from the house.  I arrived even before the police got there.  She was still sitting in the car and thank God she had no apparent serious injuries.  She was badly shaken and the car was demolished.  She was unable to stand due to the surge of adrenaline that occurred and was a little disoriented by being thrown around by the impact. The person who hit her broadside was there as well and was just as shaken.  The other driver had been driving a huge SUV that suffered almost no damage except for a few large scratches on the front bumper.

It was a four way intersection with a flashing red light.  As my better-half came to a stop, she allowed the car on the road to her right to cross first. As that car crossed the intersection she slowly started through herself.  She was almost through the intersection when the SUV traveling the same direction as the first car sped through and stuck her on the passenger side spinning her vehicle completely around.

I spent an hour calling AAA, the cops, and the insurance companies.  As the car was being towed away she had tears in her eyes.  I brought her home and made an unsuccessful attempt to calm her down.  We spent the day together but she remained totally distracted by what had occurred. It wasn’t until late last night that she started returning to normal but still adamantly refused to drive my car to work for her next shift.  I knew it was important that she get back into any car to drive again as soon as possible but she fought me all the way.

I’m standing her now in the window watching her drive away in my car and I’ll probably hold my breath for the next ten minutes until she arrives at work. I really didn’t let her see just how upset I was because it would have freaked her out.  All I can think about is that she could just as easily have been badly injured or killed.  She was so very lucky.  Now I can relax a little and try to put the whole damn thing out of my mind as best I can.  I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to her.

Love is like that.

07-13-2013   Leave a comment

Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity.  I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous.  I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.

You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with.  The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years.  You just can’t make this stuff up.  Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently.  His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone."  Here’s a few of them that were caught.

  • A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
  • During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
  • A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
  • A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
  • A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri.  A huge dumb ass.

What did I tell you?  I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice.  Some things are just wisdom for the ages.

05-07-2013   2 comments

I’m what most people would consider a person who dresses down instead of up.  I’ve always been much more concerned with comfort than fashion (ask anyone who knows me).  For most of my adult life after serving in the Army I was required to wear a suit and tie every day.  I started out wearing sport coats and dress slacks, then to three piece suits, and finally to a more expensive brand of suits required by my position and the company I worked for.  Even as a police officer I wore the company uniform when not working undercover. A tightly tailored and uncomfortable outfit with a big hat, lots of leather, a gun, and other assorted tools of the trade.  I hated it.

I was forced to maintain quite an assortment of garments for a number of different companies because I didn’t want to look too stupid or out of style.  I eventually had almost a hundred ties, dozens of shirts, suits, and all of the stupid accoutrements  that seem to be required for each.  It was awful.  I’d have preferred on any given day to wear a T-shirt, shorts, and a raggedy old pair of flip flops.

After many years of "dressing for the man" I finally saw that light at the end of the tunnel and it was my retirement.  I actually never thought I’d retire but the State of Maine in it’s infinite wisdom offered me early retirement since my job was being eliminated due to fiscal concerns. I was pissed and upset for about five minutes and then began planning my future.

I needed to simplify my life in many ways. I decided that with no company or boss to help dress me I would finally get to go my own way.  My final day of work was one of those days where everyone comes around to say their goodbyes and to tell you how much they’d miss you (and good riddance).  About seventy percent of them are just being politically correct and couldn’t care less.  They should have just held an official funeral service right then and there because that’s what it felt like. I said all the right things, shook the right hands, smiled, and all the while thinking, "get me the hell out of here".

The next morning I awoke a new man.  I spent a good portion of that day packing up all of my suits, ties, sport coats, overcoats, dress shoes, and anything else I could think of.  That was one trip to Goodwill I’ll never forget. I kept one good suit, two dress shirts, one overcoat, and one pair of dress shoes for the occasional wedding and/or funeral. My closet was finally empty.  It took a few weeks longer to rid myself of all those other little things that tied me to certain companies for such a large part of my life.  It felt good to be free of it all and it also created a need for a huge wardrobe change and a serious shopping trip.

It’s now four and a half years later and things have changed dramatically.  I look in my closet and what do I see?  Three pairs of sneakers, four pairs of flip flops, one pair of dress shoes, two pairs of beach shoes, and four pair of Crocs.  Next comes ten pairs of jeans, fifty assorted T-shirts, twelve pairs of shorts, four dress shirts, one suit, one raincoat, and a flannel shirt or two so people will know I’m still from Maine.  One pair of hiking boots, a back pack, camera equipment, a walking stick, and a pair of really cool snow shoes w/ poles.

Welcome to my new so called life.

02-01-2013   Leave a comment

Are you ready for the big celebration to begin? It’s Ground Hog Day eve. As I’ve mentioned many times before I was born and raised in western Pennsylvania from good sound German stock on my mother’s side of the family.  February 2 was always celebrated and remains a well known and enjoyed holiday for us.  I never bothered to search out the origins of the holiday because to me it didn’t  really matter.  So I found this little tidbit of information which is a  little interesting and might tell you something you didn’t already know.

The celebration, which began as a Pennsylvania German custom in southeastern and central Pennsylvania in the 18th and 19th centuries, has its origins in ancient European weather lore, wherein a badger or sacred bear is the prognosticator as opposed to a groundhog. It also bears similarities to the Pagan festival of Imbolc, the seasonal turning point of the Celtic calendar, which is celebrated on February 1 and also involves weather prognostication and to St. Swithun’s Day in July.

I’ve written about my close association with Ground Hog Day a number of times in the past but it’s a fun story and bears repeating (in my humble opinion).

The holiday means only one thing in Pennsylvania and that is the appearance of our old friend ‘Punxatawney Phil’ on Gobbler’s Knob.  He’s scheduled to show his furry little face on the second of February every year to let us know whether we’ll have six more weeks of winter.

To reminisce a bit, way too many years ago I was a rookie state police trooper in Pennsylvania. To a newbie that means getting stuck with every crappy police detail they can find for you.  One of the crappier of those was being sent to Punxatawney to guard “Phil” and for crowd control in and around Gobbler’s Knob.  I thought they were kidding me but they weren’t.

A few of us rookies were ordered to make the trek to Punxatawney, PA along with a veteran sergeant who must have lost the coin toss. We arrived in our cleanest and well pressed uniforms, met with all of the local politicians, and then were introduced to ‘Phil"’.  He was cordial enough for a stupid gopher but we were well advised to keep our hands away from him.  He was a touch cranky and known to nip off a finger or two if provoked.

Believe it or not the crowds were huge.  I’ve never understood why every local politician from miles around flocks to that ceremony.  I guess they’re just hoping to get some free TV face-time or maybe even an interview with some of the local media. I met some mayors, some councilmen, and a few political hacks which unfortunately weren’t even as interesting as meeting ‘Phil’.

The only good thing I experienced that day was a rather buxom news reporter  from a nearby town who took an immediate liking to my manly stature and my  pretty uniform.  She was much less furry than ‘Phil’ which was a plus and she  also paid for my dinner.  She even convinced me that dating her was the right thing to do.  So I did.

It’s sad  to say but we all know any relationship built upon a Groundhog Day Ceremony was doomed from the start.  She couldn’t understand why I didn’t care to drive to Punxatawney (a three hour round trip) every weekend.  I  finally explained to her that long distance relationships just never work out no matter what.  It wasn’t her, it was me.  I dragged out all of the old clichés I could remember and disappeared from her life.

They tried to send me on that  detail the following year but I had a court appearance and was able to dodge that bullet. I wasn’t too concerned about meeting “Phil” again but that blond had me seriously concerned.  Besides, do we really need a gopher to let us know we’re going to have six more weeks of winter. We really are stupid sometimes.

Posted February 2, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Just Saying Again

Tagged with , , , , ,