Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
I dedicate these limericks to all of the nurses I’ve known in my life and there’ve been a few. If there was ever a group that enjoyed naughty and lewd limericks, it’s them. Enjoy, all of you so-called nurse lovers.
🍆🍆🍆
An amorous writer of versus,
Was especially enamored of nurses.
But he found each advance.
In pursuit of romance
Met only with starchy reverses.
😷😷😷
A rosy cheeked nurse, from Dunellen,
Whom the Hoboken sailors called Helen,
In her efforts to please
Has spread social disease,
From New York to the Straits of Magellan!
🤕🤕🤕
There was a young nurse named Prentice,
Who had an affair with a dentist.
To make things easier,
He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, non-compos mentis.
🚑🚑🚑
An unfortunate nurse named Randall,
Hs the clap such as doctors can’t handle.
So, this forlorn young floozy
With her poor damaged coosie,
Must resume her delight with a candle.
🦽🦽🦽
A virginal nurse name of Lynne,
Shouted thus just before she gave in.
“It isn’t the deed,
Or the fear of the seed,
But that big worm that shedding its skin!”
❤️❤️❤️
WHO DOESN’T LIKE THE OCCASIONAL NURSE
LOL
I’m getting a late start today due primarily to my better-half and her shopping safari. I also just have to mention that wicked and evil nurse who sucked six tubes of blood from me earlier. Truthfully having the blood drawn was way less painful than being the assistant to the shopping fanatic.
All I’ve been hearing for the last few days is football, football, and more football. While I am a fan, it’s becoming a bit much even for me. Today’s limericks are sports related but I’m an equal opportunity spreader of humor. I’ll try for a few that aren’t about football.
⚾⚾⚾
BASEBALL
A batter named Fatty McPhatter,
Had the gift of the gab with his patter.
“Whichever pitch comes,
I hit only home runs –
So, the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter!”
⚾⚾⚾
The slider just slid past the bag,
And the curveball? Too flat to get at.
The pitcher’s last ball
Was his fastest fastball.
So, I’m three-strikes-and-out. And that’s that.
⛳⛳⛳
GOLF
Golf is a four-letter word.
For a game that is clearly absurd.
Unless what you like
Is a long boring hike,
Dressed up like a half-witted nerd.
⛳⛳⛳
They say that ex-president Taft,
When hit by a golf ball, just laughed,
And said: “I’m not sore,
But although he called “Fore!”
The place where it struck him was aft!
HAPPY NO EFF’ING FOOTBALL TUESDAY
I realize that many of you out there are avid music fans. I’m addicted to oldies from 1958 through 1974 and have thousands of songs from that era. I like a lot of the new stuff too but I’m able to pick and choose the ones that really get me going. While we are all music lovers, my second passion is limericks and interesting poetry. So, with that in mind I decided that today my limerick selections would be G rated and concern music and musicians. I hope you enjoy them as much as you enjoy your music.
🎵🎵🎵
By Anonymous
There was a composer named Liszt
Who from writing could seldom desiszt.
He made Polonaise.
Quite worthy of praise,
And now that he’s gone, he is miszt.
🎹🎹🎹
By Ogden Nash
A bugler named Dougal MacDougal
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.
He learned how to sneeze
In various keys,
Thus, saving the price of a bugle.
🎸🎸🎸
By Paul West
All of a sudden, the great prima-donna
Cried, “Heavens! My voice is a goner!”
But a cat in the wings
Cried, “I know how she sings,”
And finished the solo with honor.
🎼🎼🎼
By Anonymous
There was a composer named Bong
Who composed a new popular song.
It was simply the croon
Of a lovesick baboon,
With occasional thumps on the gong.
🎷🎷🎷
YOUR TURN TO HUM A FEW BARS
I’ thought I’d start the new year with a small collection of limericks. This collection should be rated “PG”, so keep the youngsters away. Happy New Year to all of you limerick aficionados. Today’s collection concerns:
Sexual Misfortunes
Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham,
Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.
As they made their way back,
A crazed sex maniac
Leapt out of a bush and ignored ’em.
🍷🍷🍷
An unfortunate sailor name Bates,
Had performed the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Had rendered him nutless
And, well – virtually useless on dates!
🍆🍆🍆
A nudist, named Roger McPeet,
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet.
Till, one chilly December,
He froze his poor member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
🍩🍩🍩
Ancient octogenarian, Hugh,
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But more the dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands – nuts to you.
🍆🍩🍆
What better way to kick off a new year. Here’s one final limerick with a religious bent for an oh-so inclined friend.
❤️
When Lazarus came back from the dead,
He still couldn’t function in bed.
“What good’s Resurrection
Without an erection?”
Old Lazarus testily said.
AMEN TO THAT
I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!
🍷🍷🍷
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”
🍗🍗🍗
There was an old lady of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household’s disgust
She emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”
🍜🍜🍜
There was an old man from the Rhine
Who was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, six, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”
🍦🍦🍦
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta.
At breakfast he said,
“Give me some b-b-b-bread
And a pat of b-b-b-b-butta.”
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
With the holidays underway I looked far and wide for some holiday related limericks. I found a few but they were absolutely horrible. So, I decided that since every holiday has a feast of one kind or another, today’s collection of limericks will be about food and eating. They are also rated G so the younger readers can enjoy them as well. The juicier limericks will continue after the holidays for all of you poetry connoisseurs. These are circa 1952.
🤶🏻🤶🏻🤶🏻
A diner while dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”
🌲🌲🌲
There once was a pious young priest
Who lived almost wholly on yeast.
“For.” he said “it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started, at least.
☃️☃️☃️
There was an old person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean.
For he said, “More than that
Would make me too fat,”
That cautious old person of Dean.
🎄🎄🎄
There was an old lady of Brooking,
Who had a great genius for cooking.
She could bake sixty pies
All quite the same size,
And could tell which was which without looking.
🎁🎁🎁🎁
12 MORE SHOPPING DAYS
Continuing the Christmas theme for this week, here are a group of Christmas limericks collected from far and wide places. I hope they put a holiday grin on your face.
Santa came home with a reindeer
And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer
‘Did you have to bring
That horny old thing?’
Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’
🎄🎄🎄
An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,
We’ve not enough presents this year”
That made St. Nick think:
Now he’d given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
🤶🏻🤶🏻🤶🏻
I saw mom and Santa having a chat
She told him he was much too fat
She then grabbed his behind
With eyes closed kissed him blind
Then they both fell down on the mat.
🎄🎄🎄
Old Santa got drunk on warm ale
“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail
“But what of the toys
For the good girls and boys?”
“I’ll send all the presents by mail!”
🧑🏻🎄🧑🏻🎄🧑🏻🎄
20 SHOPPING DAYS TO GO
I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”
🥰🥰🥰
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said “If you must know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.
🫤🫤🫤
A religious young lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”
😎😎😎
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
🍆🍩🍆
NUFF SAID
It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.
A little boy down in Natchez
Sat upon powder and matchez.
For the seat of war
He hankers no more,
Though re-enforced well with patchez.
😮😮😮
By Hugh Lofting
Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing,
Just look at the hole where he struck it.
😏😏😏
By Oliver Hereford
A puppy whose hair was so flowing
There really was no means of knowing
Which end was his head,
Once stopped me and said,
“Please, sir, am I coming or going.
🙃🙃🙃
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.
“But,” said he, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
🙄🙄🙄
HAPPY MONDAY
I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.
😮😮😮
There was an amazing old wizard
Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard.
So, he drank wind and snow
At some fifty-below,
And farted a forty-day blizzard.
🙃🙃🙃
Said a printer, pretending to wit:
“There are certain rude words we omit.
It would sully our art
To include the word fart,
And we seldom, if ever say shit.”
😆😆😆
There was a young man named McBride,
Who could fart any time that he tried.
In a contest he blew
Seven thousand and two,
But then shit and was disqualified.
😣😣😣
There was a young woman of Dexter,
Whose husband invariably vexed her,
For, whenever they’d start,
He’d persistently fart
With a blast that damn nearly de-sexed her!
A PERFECTLY SMELLY START TO YOUR WEEK
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