Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
Continuing the Christmas theme for this week, here are a group of Christmas limericks collected from far and wide places. I hope they put a holiday grin on your face.
Santa came home with a reindeer
And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer
‘Did you have to bring
That horny old thing?’
Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’
🎄🎄🎄
An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,
We’ve not enough presents this year”
That made St. Nick think:
Now he’d given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
🤶🏻🤶🏻🤶🏻
I saw mom and Santa having a chat
She told him he was much too fat
She then grabbed his behind
With eyes closed kissed him blind
Then they both fell down on the mat.
🎄🎄🎄
Old Santa got drunk on warm ale
“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail
“But what of the toys
For the good girls and boys?”
“I’ll send all the presents by mail!”
🧑🏻🎄🧑🏻🎄🧑🏻🎄
20 SHOPPING DAYS TO GO
I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”
🥰🥰🥰
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said “If you must know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.
🫤🫤🫤
A religious young lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”
😎😎😎
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
🍆🍩🍆
NUFF SAID
It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.
A little boy down in Natchez
Sat upon powder and matchez.
For the seat of war
He hankers no more,
Though re-enforced well with patchez.
😮😮😮
By Hugh Lofting
Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing,
Just look at the hole where he struck it.
😏😏😏
By Oliver Hereford
A puppy whose hair was so flowing
There really was no means of knowing
Which end was his head,
Once stopped me and said,
“Please, sir, am I coming or going.
🙃🙃🙃
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.
“But,” said he, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
🙄🙄🙄
HAPPY MONDAY
I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.
😮😮😮
There was an amazing old wizard
Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard.
So, he drank wind and snow
At some fifty-below,
And farted a forty-day blizzard.
🙃🙃🙃
Said a printer, pretending to wit:
“There are certain rude words we omit.
It would sully our art
To include the word fart,
And we seldom, if ever say shit.”
😆😆😆
There was a young man named McBride,
Who could fart any time that he tried.
In a contest he blew
Seven thousand and two,
But then shit and was disqualified.
😣😣😣
There was a young woman of Dexter,
Whose husband invariably vexed her,
For, whenever they’d start,
He’d persistently fart
With a blast that damn nearly de-sexed her!
A PERFECTLY SMELLY START TO YOUR WEEK
It’s Sunday which is supposed to be a day of rest. Short and sweet today with a few limericks written by kids and for kids.
😎😎😎
Consider the poor hippopotamus,
His life is unduly monotonous.
He lives half-asleep
At the edge of the deep,
And his face is as big as his bottom is.
🙄🙄🙄
There was an old man of Peru
Who dreamt he was eating a shoe.
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.
🙃🙃🙃
A visitor from Outer Space
On arriving presented his case.
“Earthlings? Inferior!
My race? Superior!”
Tripped up and fell flat on his face.
🤪🤪🤪
An elephant never forgets,
Neither messages, shopping nor debts.
He can hold in his trunk
A whole cartload of junk,
And the little ones make super pets.
I thought all of you would appreciate a few relatively harmless limericks mainly concerned with anatomical issues. The weekend is in sight and maybe these little ditties will help get you through until then.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
One day, I suppose,
She followed her nose,
For no one knew which way she went.
🥰🥰🥰
There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he, with a start,
“O Lord, bless my heart!
I’ve bitten myself underneath.
😜😜😜
There was an old man of Tarentum
Who gnashed his false teeth ’til he bent’em.
When they asked him the cost
Of what he had lost,
He replied, “I can’t say, for I rent’em.”
😏😏😏
A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I dared not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see (so he said) if she’d boz.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been ranting a bit for the last few days about politics and politicians, and I’ve run out of energy. Bitching and complaining is a total waste of time because it gets me nowhere very quickly. Today I’ll return to a topic I love and enjoy, limericks, especially those written by children. They make me smile and laugh out loud occasionally. Politics does not.
By Gareth Owen
Winnifred Gristle could whistle through thistles.
At whistling through thistles our Winn was a dream.
No-one out whistled Miss Gristle,
Winnifred Gristle, the whistler supreme.
💥💥💥
By John Hegley
There once was an organic leek
That had managed to learn how to speak.
At the sight of a knife
It would fear for its life,
And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
💥💥💥
By Anon
The daughter of the farrier
could find no-one to marry her.
Because she said
She would not wed
A man who could not carry her.
💥💥💥
By Marian Swinger
Two Dinosaurs strolling arms linked,
Met a little old lady who blinked,
And said, in surprise,
Whilst rubbing her eyes,
“They told me that you were extinct!”
💥💥💥
HOORAY, IT’S HUMP DAY
I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.
*****
There was an old lady named Crockett
Who went to put a plug in a socket.
But her hands were so wet
She flew up like a jet
And came roaring back down like a rocket.
*****
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn’t an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire
(‘Most any old line will do here!)
*****
Said a foolish young lady of Wales,
“A smell of escaped gas prevails.”
Then she searched with a light,
And later that night
Was collected in seventeen pails.
*****
A certain young man of great gumption,
‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption
To go – but alack!
He never came back,
They say ’twas a case of consumption.
*****
WELCOME BACK TO A 1960’S SENSE OF HUMOR
I love reading limericks written in a totally different time and place. Today’s selection is from the war years in England. Even with all of the violence and mayhem going on they took time to maintain a sense of humor. Thank god for sex and it’s related activities, it’s all they had.
****
1941
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And they could even swat flies on her belly.
****
1943
There was a young man from Narragansett
Who colored his prick to enhance it.
But the girls were afraid
That ere they get laid
T’would lose all its color in transit
****
1945
A detective named Ellery Queen
Has olfactory powers so keen,
He can tell in a flash
By the scent of a gash
Who its previous tenant had been.
****
1941
19There was a young girl named Regina
Who called in a water diviner,
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick,
To help her locate her vagina.
****
KEEPING WAR TIME MORALE AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
*****
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
*****
There was a young fellow name Gluck
Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.
*****
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
*****
A religious lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
*****
HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK
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