Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
This week begins the warm-up for one of my least favorite experiences I’ve been cursed with over the years. It’s a special gift passed on to me through the genes of my late parents and one I wish I could have refused. The secret word for today is COLONOSCOPY. I begin my preparations tomorrow for my seventh anal adventure and hopefully my last. Over the next few postings I’ll document as best I can within the limits of good taste the wonders of medical science I’m about to experience. Lucky you!
My introduction to colonoscopies began many, many, years ago in a galaxy far, far, away. After an annual checkup I was referred to a specialist for further exams and a possible bout with rectal and anal surgery for hemorrhoids and polyps. Trust me, it wasn’t as great as I’m making it sound. My very first meeting with the specialist lasted only ten minutes. I was given an armload of laxatives and and a large bottle of Citrate of Magnesia. I was handed a sheet of instructions on how to go about emptying my body of just about everything and a future date for my return visit was also confirmed. All of a sudden I found myself back on the street with a real desire to find out exactly what the hell a colonoscopy actually was. I needed to do some research quickly.
Two weeks later I seemed twenty pounds lighter after spending 48 hours within running distance of the nearest bathroom. It was a humbling experience as I did everything possible to expel my entire insides down the drain. I arrived at the doctor’s office and checked in at the desk trying not to make eye contact with anyone. It was a lot like going to a fertilization specialist to ejaculate into a plastic cup or buying tampons at Rite-Aid for my better-half. Totally embarrassing.
I was led into an examination room wearing one of those backless paper gowns with my butt sticking out. I was laid face down on the table which was then elevated high enough to put my head near the floor and my ass in the air. If that wasn’t humiliating enough there was a knock on the door and in marched ten student nurses who were permitted one at a time to take a peek at my butt, inside and out. They oooed and awwed as they passed by, took a few notes and marched from the room. Here’s a reminder for you. Never schedule a rectal exam at a teaching hospital. You’ve been warned.
Another twenty minutes passed by and my adventure began in earnest when a probe on the end of a cable with a flashlight, torch, and camera were slowly inserted further and further into my backside. They lightly drugged me and I was able to look up my own ass on a nearby television screen. It looked like a gigantic pink Holland Tunnel without the cars. I then fell asleep and awoke twenty minutes later feeling rather odd. My wife picked me up after I recovered a bit and took me home where I was able to get a few hours of drug induced sleep. It wasn’t much fun but unfortunately for me it was necessary. My surgery was successful and I received my second colonoscopy just two months later. The doctor apparently wanted to go back in to check his work. I just love thorough doctors.
Fifteen years later my family doctor gave me more bad news during my annual visit. Because of two colon surgeries on my late mother for cancerous polyps he felt I needed to be checked again. Colonoscopy number three came and went and I breathed another sign of relief. I was good to go for a while I thought.
Within a few years my mother had another cancerous piece of her colon removed and that triggered regularly scheduled colonoscopies for me for the foreseeable future. It’s now 2015 and I’m ready for number seven. The technology has improved dramatically over the years and the drugs are much better. Getting colonoscopies stopped bothering me years ago because the alternative is too ugly to think about. Over the years I’ve had upwards of ten to twelve very small polyps burned from my colon and fortunately none were cancerous. I plan on living a long and full life and these god awful procedures make that possible. No matter what anyone tells you, fear is an excellent motivator.
More to follow.
With the crappy weather continuing to keep me housebound I settled into my chair last night to rejoin the Lewis and Clark Expedition as they traveled through the wilds of the Louisiana Purchase (based on their journals). As you may not be aware they began their journey on May 14, 1804 and as of July 3, 1804 they arrived in the vicinity of Cow Island (now Montana)and made camp.
‘Then’
‘Now’
Cow island is located in an area called the Missouri Breaks and at that time it was a rather desolate area. In later years it became known as Cow Landing because it was one of a few places to easily ford the Missouri River. The area had been named by groups of nomadic fur traders and was the first time that Clark climbing a nearby ridge saw the Rocky Mountains in the far distance.
During the Nez Perce Indian War in 1877 the Nez Perce forded the Missouri at Cow Island, and it became the site of the Battle of Cow Island. After six days of fighting, and with Nez Perce men, women and children suffering and dying from wounds and exposure to freezing weather, Chief Joseph surrendered to the U.S. Army commanders.
From the journals of Clark:
"Our hunters had killed two of the Bighorned Animals since I had left them. we also passed another creek [Cow Creek] a few miles below Turtle Creek on the Stard. 30 yds in width which also had running water bed rocky. (we called it Windsor Cr.) late this evening we passed a very bad rapid which reached quite across the river, [NB: water deep channel narrow gravel &c. on each side] the party had considerable difficulty in ascending it although they doubled their crews and used both the rope and the pole. While they were passing this rapid a female Elk and its fawn swam down through the waves which ran very high, hence the name of Elk rapids which they instantly gave this place, these are the most considerable rapids which we have yet seen on the Missouri and in short the only place where there has appeared to be a sudden descent."
Checking current maps places them in the vicinity of The Charles M. Russell Wildlife Refuge near the Upper Missouri Breaks National Monument east of Great Falls, Montana. It’s taken the expedition almost two months to travel from St. Louis to this point.
I’ll be back with them later tonight and I’m looking forward to their first contact with the local Indian tribes and their entry into the Rocky Mountains.
. . . To Be Continued . . .
Before I get any further into this post I thought I’d give those of you interested in history my Lewis & Clark expedition update. The journal of their travels begins on May 14, 1804, the day they left the Mississippi River, a day or two after they arrived back in St. Louis. They left from a river camp near Dubois and proceeded up the Missouri River under full sail. The party consisted of one ship and two perogues (their spelling for canoes). Those first few weeks were rainy with the river running higher than normal. They suffered difficulties with sand bars and a broken mast when it struck an overhanging tree but they found game plentiful and plenty of fresh water.
Their group harvested dozens deer and three bears along the way and any meat not eaten was dried and made into a jerky for later use. They’ve met a few French traders roaming along the river and have only seen fresh Indian sign but no actual Indians as yet
On June 6 commander Clark reports himself as suffering from a high fever and severe headaches and here’s his actual quote on the general health of the expedition:
”The party is much aflicted with Boils and Several have the Decissentary, which I contribute to the water.” (This is his spelling not mine.)
On June 13 they made camp near the Carlton River near a beautiful open prairie and that’s where I left them last night. Using modern day maps it’s still difficult for me to determine their exact location due to the confusion in names and descriptions. An educated guess would be that they’ve traveled between thirty and forty miles up river from St. Louis.
One last quote can better explain how discipline was carried out back in the good old days. Any current and former sailors will cringe when they read this:
[Clark, June 29, 1804] Camp mouth of the Kanseis June 29th 1804. Ordered a Court martial will Set this day at 11 oClock, to Consist of five members, for the trial of John Collins and Hugh Hall, Confined on Charges exhibited against them by Sergeant Floyd, agreeable to the articles of War. Detail for the Court Sergt Nat. Pryor presd. mbs: 2 John Colter 3 John Newmon 4 Pat. Gass 1 J. B. Thompson John Potts to act as judge advocate. The Court Convened agreeable to order and proceeded to the trial of the Prisoners Viz John Collins Charged "with getting drunk on his post this morning out of whiskey put under his Charge as a Sentinal and for Suffering Hugh Hall to draw whiskey out of the Said Barrel intended for the party" To this Charge the prisoner plead not guilty. The Court after mature deliveration on the evidence abduced &c. are of oppinion that the prisoner is Guilty of the Charge exibited against him, and do therefore Sentence him to recive one hundred Lashes on his bear Back.
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Back to the present and this lovely Maine winter we’re enjoying. The temperature continues to hover in the single digits and I’m still freezing my ass off. I’m hoping for a little relief sometime soon but who knows maybe I’m just kidding myself.
‘Go Steelers Go Pat’s’
Yesterday was football day in this house and as the games were being played my better-half and I decorated our new Super Bowl tree (formerly our X-mas tree). If you remember we decided to keep the tree up for the entire year and to celebrate as many holidays as possible. As you can see by the photo the tree contains a lot of Steeler paraphernalia even though they were soundly defeated last week. After the Pat’s victory last night over the Ravens they’ll soon be properly honored on our tree as well.
Our next tree will be celebrating Valentine’s Day.
The deep freeze continues here in Maine. I just knew that we’d pay dearly for that two weeks of warm temperatures and sunshine we had earlier. Every thing always seems to balance out whether we like it or not. This will certainly be the winter for reading and other indoor activities for us. I’m fortunate enough to be one of those people driven to read everything I can get my hands on and Winter is the prefect time for me.
Recently I downloaded a number of books, essays, and journal transcripts for my Kindle. It’s amazing to me just how many of the classics are now free to anyone to download at their leisure. Last fall I finished reading the autobiography of Ben Franklin and then a book of notes and observations he wrote about his life. It brings his experience to a new level of understanding without my being influenced by people who insist on rewriting history. The old adage of getting information "straight from the horses mouth" has never been truer. That was one of the reasons I first read the Federalist Papers many years ago.
I’ve always been a history buff and I thought I had a good handle on many of the things that took place as this country grew and developed. As usual I was somewhat incorrect. Learning about the history of this country in school depends totally on who supplies the school with text books. Unfortunately it’s human nature when writing to subconsciously slant what your describing in such a way as to reflect your ideals and opinions. Many current text books spend more time apologizing for our country than actually explaining things in the context of the time. It’s terribly unjust to take incidents out of context and then to feed that misinformation to our children claiming it to be the absolute truth. That’s my main reason for always attempting to go directly to the source for much of my information.
This week I began a journey of discovery that made the United States what it is today, at least geographically. I began reading the daily logs and journals of the entire journey of the Lewis and Clark expedition as it moved westward exploring the Louisiana Purchase. It was a grand thing they accomplished but reading the daily entries reveals a whole other side to the story. Their need to hunt for food, bartering with locals, and maintaining discipline within their ranks is gritty and at times difficult to read.
I’m only a few months into their journey as they traveled by boat west up the Missouri River. The spelling and writing of the time is difficult and cumbersome. They used many slang terms and abbreviations making the reading a bit of a chore. It’s worth the effort because the use of the original language seems to take me back to their time. I look forward to learning exactly how difficult and treacherous the expedition really was which in turn will give me a new appreciation for their efforts and accomplishments. The "devil is in the details" as with everything else and I have a driving need to learn those true details.
Being well informed is the responsibility of all citizens. It must include a true knowledge of our history unaffected by liberal academics attempting to rewrite history as they see fit. We all want the truth and believe me, we can handle the truth.
I love cold weather but this is getting ridiculous. My better-half also likes the temperature in the house kept around 65 degrees but even she’s spending more time in the bedroom wrapped in that wonderful electric blanket of ours. We’ve been in the single digits for the last two days and below zero today with wind chills bordering on dangerous and even life threatening.
I may look a little silly wandering around the house at the end of a fifty foot extension cord but I don’t really care. There are certain male body parts that demand warmth and I’m making sure they get it. So what if I have a heating pad stuffed down my sweat pants and who really cares about that stupid looking orange extension cord. I have my priorities set and no one will convince me otherwise.
Trying to stay busy and warm brought me to my next task. I’ve had three gallons of dandelion wine sitting in the man-cave for almost six months. After four months it was still a little too cloudy which required me to take emergency measures to clear it. There’s a product called Sparkloid that is nothing more than very fine clay dust. It’s mixed with water and brought to a boil for twenty minutes or so. Then each gallon jug receives a portion of that mix and is left to settle for a few weeks. It worked like a charm because I now have three gallons of a crystal clear golden liquid the exact color of dandelion blossoms.
After doing a little repair work to my wine racks I began the siphoning and bottling process. My final tally was thirteen bottles of a beautiful wine that actually tastes a little like a Chardonnay but a bit sweeter.
I boiled the corks in clean water and corked each bottle. I put a nice golden cap on each and they’re now reading for storage in the wine rack. As you can see from the photos there are thirteen bottles and a small jar of wine. That small jar I’ll be drinking with my dinner tonight. I want it chilled until it’s close to freezing and then I’ll sip it slowly and savor the flavor. I’ve made dandelion wine a number of times over the years but I think this might be my best batch ever. It’s always a pain in the butt to make dandelion wine because it takes forever to pick and prepare the blossoms. They must be cleaned of all pieces of leaves and debris and then frozen for a week or so. The freezing helps to breakdown the blossoms and convinces them to give up their beautiful color when they’re finally put in with the yeast.
This coming summer will be an interesting time for me because I fully intend to go outside the box with my winemaking projects. I want to make a few batches from ingredients that are not normally used for wine making but trying to do something never done before can be difficult. I look forward to the challenge and hopefully the results will be a few bottles of a really unique wine.
B r r r r !!!
I finally feel as if my entire life has been justified and validated. I never thought it would happen but today was the day. I stayed up late last night snuggling warmly on my favorite chair with my Kindle. I’ve been on a reading binge of late but decided to switch from my normal detective novels to some non-fiction. After a thorough search of the Kindle Store I was able to download a number of books and essays that caught my eye.
Just for background purposes you should know that many many times in my life I’ve been accused of being a ‘wise ass’. For me it stopped being something derogatory when I was still in junior high school. It became a badge of honor at that point and I set out to be the best ‘wise ass’ I could be. It’s good to have goals, don’t you know.
I’ve always enjoyed the company of other ‘wise asses’ because we understand each other. We all seem to be quick witted and able to crack wise at a moments notice. It’s not as easy and glamorous as it sounds. It takes years of hard work and dedication just to get to the level where your recognized by others after just a few minutes of conversation.
Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain
I also enjoyed reading as a teenager and I became hooked on anything written by Mark Twain. It became obvious very quickly that while Mark Twain could spin a tale like nobody’s business his alter ego, Samuel Clemens, was the ultimate sarcastic wise ass. The more sarcastic and glib he became the more in demand he was. Last night I began reading his essay on "The Decay of the Art of Lying" and it took just a few paragraphs for me to realize that I needed to give more thought to lying in general and really good lying in particular. This quote stood out in just the first paragraph:
"No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted."
Another favorite ‘wise ass’ of mine was Will Rogers. Although he died in a plane crash in Alaska in 1935 much of his writings and quotations can be found everywhere. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era, and was a top-paid Hollywood movie star at the same time. He was another ‘wise ass’ who made it big before his untimely death. His good-old-boy approach to ridicule and humor made him funny, well liked, with a sarcasm that was dripping with honey. He was the sort who could take you to task for something stupid you’ve done and have you laughing at yourself as he left the room.
It’s a real shame that both of these ‘wise asses’ weren’t able to live long enough to see how our current political figures of both parties have proudly carried the art form of lying to new heights.
I’ve always been good at spinning a yarn to avoid lying but maybe I should have just blurted out the truth. Clemens stated rather emphatically that everyone lies. Whether it’s a little white lie or a lie of omission, it’s still a lie. We are a nation of liars. I honestly believe I prefer things the way they are because telling the absolute truth regardless of the consequences can get nasty and unfriendly very quickly. It makes the age old question "Does my ass look too big in this dress?" a life threatening situation. No thank you. Here’s one last quote from Clemens to support my position:
"None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller, but thank goodness none of us have to. A habitual truth-teller is an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed. Everybody lies-every day; every hour; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception-and purposely."
I’m an even bigger fan of Samuel Clemens and Will Rogers that I was previously. It’s nice to see a few sarcastic ‘wise asses’ make the big time. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge them with this self-created Wise Ass Appreciation Day. Thankfully for all of us their works will live on forever.
Wise Asses – 2
The Rest of the World – 0
Well we’ve all survived another year. I guess we should be congratulated but maybe not. Over the New Years holiday I made the mistake of catching up on some TV watching. I should have known better but as always I thought there might be something interesting on. How stupid am I?
I was working on a project and had the TV playing in the background. I was excited about the project since I’ve been working on it for more years than I care to think about. I was working intently but my subconscious was inundated with three hours of religious doom and gloom. The "End of Days" and "Armageddon" we’re just some of the topics I was hearing and it depressed me enough that I turned the channel. I then found myself in the midst of a mini-marathon of the Walking Dead program which for me was even worse than the religious nonsense.
The bottom line was that I disconnected the damn TV and fell back on the good old reliable music that I love. I recently created a new playlist which is killer. It’s a collection of three of my all time favorite female blues singers, Anita Baker, Billie Holiday, and Amy Winehouse. It was absolutely wonderful with Billie singing Loverman, followed closely by Amy singing Back to Black, and then Anita bringing it home with Sweet Love. It just doesn’t get much better than that.
Back to this crazy project of mine. Over a ten year period back in the nineties I created a collection of collages containing articles and things from my life. Some were four feet square with an variety of other sizes as well. I called them my life panels. I always intended to have them framed and then put together to create a wall. Here I am twenty-five years later and even though they’ve been in storage for all of that time they still look pretty good. They’ve never been displayed at all but have moved from place to place with with me awaiting enough wall space to put them up.
This current man-cave of mine has slowly turned into someplace special but I still don’t have enough wall space. I solved that problem this week by turning my life panels into the ceiling above my computer desk. The picture that follows was taken as I was lying on my back on the floor looking up.
What better way to start 2015 than to resurrect my life panels and to display them proudly. I can now lean back in my chair and see more than twenty years of my life displayed for my enjoyment. Happy New Year to me. . . .
AND TO YOU!
With New Year’s approaching I’ve begun to think about my resolutions for 2015. In preparation for the new list it only makes sense to review last year’s resolutions. It might be necessary to use a few of them that I failed to live up to again this year.
2014
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Read five books a month. COMPLETED
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Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking. He still isn’t talking enough to complete this one. FAILURE
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Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week. COMPLETED
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Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year. COMPLETED
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Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month). . . . as of 12/28/2014 $391.32. BIG FAILURE
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Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room, it scares the neighbors. I managed to stop the dancing but not being naked seems impossible for me. FAILURE
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Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life. COMPLETED
Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff. I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.
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I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year.
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I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them.
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I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R".
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I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he has started repeating damn near everything.
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I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandson) who irritate, annoy or piss me off.
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I vow to stop flirting with just anyone. There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not always a good thing for my self esteem.
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For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window. It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.
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I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws.
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I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month.
I’ll do my first review of these new resolutions sometime in June. Hopefully I’ll be on track to complete every one for the first time. As always the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
It’s Christmas Eve and our visitors have come and gone. It was a an afternoon and evening of relaxing, catching up, and snacking ourselves into submission. We’ll be having a huge dinner of turkey and all the trimmings tomorrow so it was decided tonight to just snack.
A large plate of cheeses (habanero is my favorite, of course) crackers, a few pounds of shrimp, cookies, veggies, and drinks all around. We all participated in an excellent X-Box bowling tournament and a few games of darts. Then we settled in for the movie of the night, Guardians of the Galaxy, and it was a fun and entertaining movie. The grandson was mingling with everyone and watching Mickey Mouse on his mother’s cell phone. It really is nice being around a true Santa believer for a change.
It’s later now and they’ve all just left for home. Getting the little guy to sleep will be the real Christmas miracle tonight. We all need to get some rest because tomorrow will be another very long day. It’s my turn to prepare the bird and my better-half is supplying her favorite family stuffing recipe for her kids. I should be one helluva meal.
We’ll be exchanging gifts around midday with the dinner to follow. So I’m off to bed to read a few chapters of one of my favorite detective novel. I have a collection of those novels on my e-reader and they help me get to sleep almost every night.
For those of you who celebrate your holiday on Christmas Eve, have a Merry Christmas. I’ll have a few additional pictures to post of our Christmas on Saturday and then it will be on to New Years.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m glad to announce this is the final installment of my list of the 100 Things I Once Hated. It’s been an interesting process for me but I doubt if it’s been all that interesting for you. I’ll get into that thought in more detail in my next posting where I evaluate the results in more detail. Lets get going . . .
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#86 Crowded Elevators – If you’re the least bit claustrophobic you’ll understand this item. Without extensive therapy this could never change and I’m positive it will never change because there will be no extensive therapy. No improvement.
#87 Gossips – Everyone gossips at some point in their life and I have no problem with the little unimportant bits of nonsense people chat about. It’s the malicious gossiping that’s burned me a few times in the past. 50% improvement.
#88 Baby Pageants – How these things are permitted by law puzzles me. Under any other circumstances if you dress up a little girl to look like an adult and parade her around in front of a group of other adults you could get some jail. No improvement at all.
#89 Pot Holes – These damn things have cost me hundreds of dollars over the years in repairs to many of my vehicles. I’m still waiting for any offer from ten or so municipalities to repay me for the damage caused by their unrepaired roads. It’s a good thing I’m not holding my breath on that one. No improvement.
#90 Screaming Brats – Being a former screaming brat myself I have great insight into this issue. Whether in a store, a bus, a street corner, or anywhere else, I can’t stand them. No improvement.
#91 Texting While Driving – You might think I’d be a little lenient towards people who text while driving since the woman who smashed into my car while I was sitting at a stop sign was responsible for me buying my first digital camera. It was the money left over after all the damages to my vehicle were fixed. No improvement.
#92 Saggy Pants – This item is right up there with backward baseball caps and underwear sticking out over your jeans. Idiotic, moronic, and ridiculous. No improvement.
#93 Warts – I’ve had one or two of these over the years and they are an annoyance more than anything. Genital warts are another story completely but luckily I haven’t had them and I hope I never do. 50% improvement.
#94 Granny Panties – Just thinking about these makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. They should be outlawed by the courts with mandatory caning on a bare ass as punishment. I’m not hating them any longer but OMFG who in their right mind likes them? 50% improvement.
#95 Penis Caught In Zipper – Every guy that just read this sentence cringed a little. This is some of the worst pain a man can suffer not even taking into account the accompanying embarrassment. No improvement.
#96 Multiple Chins – And I’m not referring to those famous Chinese Chins mentioned in some jokes. Thank God for plastic surgery but unfortunately not everyone can afford it. I guess it’s not really hate I feel but sympathy. 100% improvement.
#97 Tailgater’s – This applies not to football game tailgaters but to drivers. When I was a cop I loved issuing citations for this violation and that’s when I learned what job satisfaction was really all about. No improvement.
#98 Stinky Arm Pits – This item should be grouped with B.O. and bad breath. I hate them all individually and I especially hate those people who sport all three. No improvement.
#99 Nosy People – The fact that most nosy people are almost always the first ones to gossip makes it even worse. I really don’t hate nosy people who gossip because it’s great fun to feed them made-up facts or untrue information and then to sit back and watch the fun. 50% improvement.
#100 Ex-Wives – No further explanations should be needed here. Ask any divorced person about their exes and you’ll get the same answer. No improvement.
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There you have it. As you can see there have been many changes in how I feel about things in just the last five years. Check back in two days to see my 2014 newly revised list of “Things I Really Did Hate” in my next posting.
By the way – FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
everyuselessthing.com 