This post will be rather shorter than my usual efforts due in part to a rather unpleasant afternoon ahead of me. I’m two hours away from my seventh colonoscope (that’s right, I said seven) and my mind is wandering elsewhere (like right around my ass). That being said I’d like to quickly entertain you with some interesting quotes concerning our society’s obsession with TV. I’m addicted myself and have a love/hate relationship with my addiction and all of my TV’s. Here’s what some profession media types think.
Anonymous TV Quote
“The electronic device that intersperses gory slaughter with the brushing of teeth.”
Woody Allen
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”
Daid Frost
“TV is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Why should people go out and pay to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?”
T.S. Eliot
Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time and yet remain lonesome.”
Lily Tomlin
“If you read a lot of books, your considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.”
Frank Zappa
I can’t understand why anybody would want to devote their life to a cause like dope. It’s the most boring pastime I can think of. It ranks a close second to television.”
Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time someone turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.”
I really have to agree with most of these critics and at the same time I feel I’ve just been royally chastised for enjoying my addiction. Although, I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve had a number of addictions over the years and there were always plenty of so-called experts around to offer their opinions. So, to remain consistent I’ll ignore these experts like I’ve ignored all the others. They have their nerve!
I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910)
I first became a fan of Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain as a youngster. I was quite the reader at a very young age and was instantly captivated by the story of Tom Sawyer and his adventures along and on the Mississippi river. That’s when I discovered one of my first “Happy Places”, my ability to get totally consumed by a book. That ability has served me well for more than seventy years and it still makes me happy. He lived an adventurous life and is famous for his biting sense of humor. Here’s why.
“Always do right. This greatly gratifies some people and astonish the rest.”
“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
“It takes your enemy and your friend working together to hurt you to the heart: one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.”
“Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.”
“Familiarity breeds contempt . . . and children.”
“Confession may be good for my soul, but it sure plays hell with my reputation.”
“Good breeding exists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
“I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.”
And finally, one of my all-time favorite quotes from Mr. Clemens which could apply to so many things.
“Noise prevents nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
These days when I talk about “rich” people it is considerably different than when I was in my twenties. Back then it was unbelievable that someone could become a millionaire. It was difficult to believe that amount of money could be earned by anyone except for the mega-rich. Today it’s almost unbelievable. If you own a large home in a nice neighborhood, have two cars, and good paying job, your net worth is probably more than a million. I couldn’t even imagine trying to guess how many millionaires are playing pro sports. It boggles the mind. As outrageous as that is, the uber rich remain in a separate class all their own. To them a millionaire is seen as a low rent bum. Let me show you what I mean.
William Randolph Hearst once purchased a pair of Cellini saltshakers for the low, low price of $500,000.
Henry Ford once stated to Hearst after he had been complaining about never seeming to have any money: “That’s a mistake,” replied Ford. “A man ought to have $500 million or so in cash for a rainy day.”
Once when a reporter asked John Paul Getty if he was really worth over $1 billion, “Yes, I suppose it’s true, but $1 billion doesn’t go as far as it used to.”
A young Nelson Rockefeller was sailing his toy boat in a pond when another boy asked, “Where’s your yacht? “Whaddaya think I am, “he replied,” a Vanderbilt?”
When an elderly John D Rockefeller, Sr, learned that members of his family intended to give him an electric cart to ride around his estate, he told them in no uncertain terms, “I rather have the money.”
Howard Hughs started out as a very presentable young playboy with the world at his feet. He ended up as a starving, paranoid recluse trapped in a room watching old movies.
The oil billionaire H. L. Hunt wrote and published a book in which he proposed that citizens voting power be proportionate to the amount of taxes they paid.
H. Ross Perot had a coral reef dynamited at his oceanfront home in Bermuda because it interfered with his boat slip.
Armand Hammer once bought an important manuscript written by Leonardo da Vinci and renamed it the Codex Hammer.
William K Vanderbilt once stated, “I am the richest man in the world. I am worth $194 million. I would not walk across the street to make $1 million.”
They live in a different world in a galaxy far, far away. They barely have the ability or the desire to stoop so low as to talk to someone considered a “blue collar” worker.
This is not one of my favorite times of the year. Summer is ending, skies are gray, rain is cold, leaves are dropping, and the runup to the end-of-year holidays has begun. A little depressing to say the least. I can deal with depression but it’s also very annoying. I thought a quick compilation of my major annoyances would be in order and here they are.
Leave it up to the money hungry retailers to have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas merchandise already displayed. IT’S OCTOBER YOU MORONS!
People who insist on talking over me during a conversation makes me want to scream. JUST PLAIN RUDE!
Every Wendy’s that lists coffee on the menu and then makes me wait until they make a pot. Every time! WORST KIND OF CUSTOMER SERVICE!
The person in front of me at the express checkout line with an entire cart load of merchandise. ASSHOLE!
Black Friday was always annoying, but this year should be priceless. They’ve begun advertising it already. CORPORATE GREED!
Anyone still writing checks at the register in a food store. SHEER STUPIDITY!
Anyone who has a debit card but can’t figure out how to use it. EXASPERATING!
People who claim to have something really important to tell me, then send a four-word text message. CALL ME!
Any person, male or female, who is more than 30 pounds overweight and attempting to slim down by wearing skinny jeans. SO BAD!!
People who continually bitch and complain about their food and service in a restaurant. STAY HOME!
Twenty or more minutes of every hour for moronic ads on every conceivable type of device. JUST KILL ME NOW!
City workers and their gigantic snowplows destroying at least one of my mailboxes every year. IGNORAMUSES!
People who insist on telling me all about their child who is an honor student somewhere. I DON’T CARE!
Rear window decals displaying family members and pets. LAME!
Any day that starts with a visit to an Oncologist is a day that has to get better. Doctors still give me the willies even after all of my cancer related BS. I got a clean bill of health but I still have to go through their annoying little requirements each time I visit. Screw it, no more doctors talk. Let’s smile just a little with a few retro bumper stickers to get started today. Welcome back to the 60’s and 70’s.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT. I’M MARRIED.
LIFE’S TO SHORT TO FEEL GUILTY
BUMPER STICKERS ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH
I’M SO BROKE I CAN’T EVEN PAY ATTENTION
GOD IS COMING AND SHE’S PISSED OFF
Look Out Ladies – Here I come.
I think I had one or two of those on my 1973 orange Gremlin. I sure miss that car. And just for the hell of it here is a rather lengthy epithet from a fine poet in Wolverhampton, Straffordshire, England. I’m guessing this was written sometime between 1845-1855. It’s obvious that the author was no Longfellow.
I thought today might be a good time to address the “gouging” that’s been going on with food prices. I thought the oil industry was the champion gouger of all times but once again I was mistaken. I should have known that once it started with gas prices it would eventually spread to damn near everything else. Blame it on inflation or President Biden or on the many business men who seized on an opportunity to put it to the American public once again.
Yesterday I had the misfortune of doing the food shopping for the week. It will be a cold day in hell when I pay $5.50 for a dozen medium sized chicken eggs. I won’t list all of the things that pissed me off but trust me, there were dozens. With that thought in mind I’d like to time travel back to the “good old days” to do some comparison shopping. Welcome to the late 1940’s.
The average salary for a full time employee was $2900.00 and the minimum wage was a whopping $.40 an hour. I’m sure we’d all like to see prices like this again.
Bread (lb) $.14
Bacon (lb) $.77
Butter (lb) $.87
Eggs (1 dozen) $.72
Milk (gal) $.44
Potatoes (10 lb) $.57
Coffee (1 lb) $.51
Sugar (5 lbs) $.47
Gasoline (gal) $.26
Movie Tickets $.36
Postage Stamps $.03
Car $1250.00
Single Family Home $7700.00
Who is to blame? It’s a long list heavily populated by hundreds of politicians and thousands of loyal American businesses and corporations. As always, the regular guy gets stuck paying for their errors in judgement and sheer stupidity. Hooray for love of country and patriotism (sarcasm off).
It seems that this cold snap and the end of Summer is having a bad effect on almost everyone. So, for all you grumpy and pissed off people let me amuse you with a few really stupid newspaper headlines. They might just force some of you to smile.
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACE
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR GARDEN USE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
BLIND WOMEN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS
MAN, SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE
😮😮😮
COURT RULES BOXER SHORTS ARE INDEED UNDERWEAR
BITING NALS CAN BE A SIGN OF TENSENESS IN A PERSON
CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
I’m not much of a follower of all things Hollywood but like it or not some information makes its way to me regardless. Only a few days ago I made the mistake of roaming around on Facebook. To my surprise there was a lengthy posting about female celebrities without makeup. If you think horror flicks are the scariest thing ever, you’d be wrong. There were more than a few rather famous female stars that I’ve lusted over in the past, but Facebook has ruined that forever. It still gives me cold chills if I think about it for too long. I’m not an innocent and naive blushing bride by any means. I realize that Hollywood takes its job seriously when recreating a regular human being into a “STAR”. That process requires many stars to change their names. Here are a few interesting samples which are self-explanatory.
Elton John -Reginald Dwight
Joan Rivers – Joan Molinsky
James Garner – James Baumgarner
Barry Manilow – Barry Pincus
Spike Lee – Shelton Lee
Snoop Dogg – Cordozar Broadus
Tina Turner -Annie Mae Bullock
Winona Ryder – Winona Horowitz
Sting – Gordon Summer
Stevie Wonder – Steveland Judkins
I’m now seriously thinking about changing my name. I’ve always felt that my name was as boring as it gets but picking a new one is really difficult. If I were to be a porn-star I’d probably go for I.M Lancelot, but since I’m just a normal boring person I would need something spectacular to catch everyone’s attention.
The truth is sometimes strange and at other times ridiculous. These factoids are a little of both. They’re good for making a few bucks at bar bets on trivia night.
The term ” soap opera” comes from the fact that shows used to work advertisements for soap powder into the plot lines.
A champagne cork flying out of a bottle can travel as fast as 100 miles per hour.
People who fear the number 666 suffer from hexakaosioihexekontahexaphobia.
On November 21, 1980, 83 million Americans tuned in to watch the finale of the Dallas cliffhanger “Who Shot J.R.?” A few weeks earlier, 85.1 million Americans voted in the Reagan-Carter presidential election.
During a 60-year life span, an average tree will produce nearly 2 tons of leaves to be raked.
Dancing the tango was considered a sin in Paris during the early 1900s.
Those roped off areas where boxing matches take place actually used to be round, hence the term “boxing ring”.
Pope John XXI (1276-01277) had been in office less than a year before the ceiling on a new wing of his palace collapsed on him while he slept. He died six days later.
Nearly 4% of American women claim that they never wear underwear.
The Pentagon goes through more than 600 rolls of toilet paper every day.
TOO WEIRD TO BELIEVE? . . . WELL, BELIVE IT ANYWAY
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