Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
I went to bed last night with expectations of a light snow fall and awoke this morning with almost five inches of the white stuff clogging my driveway. And a special thanks goes out to the Saco snowplow driver for missing my mailbox and then filling my driveway with eight inches of snow. So instead of a quiet morning lounging in bed I was forced to brave the cold and snow to clear the damn driveway. How could my better-half possibly survive if she couldn’t get out to shop sometime today?
This was my morning wake up call.
The snow made for interesting pictures as it stuck to each and every tree branch we could see. I snapped a few photos with my point-and-shoot camera but by the time I got around to getting my Nikon ready the snow was already dropping from the trees. Here are a few substandard pics to give you some idea of what I’m talking about.
The rest of the day was spent running errands and generally just screwing around. She enjoyed her day off and I enjoyed getting out of the house for a while. More snow in the forecast for the weekend so we’ve got to enjoy the time out when we can.
I’m sorry for the short post but other responsibilities need tending to. More to follow soon.
What a strange few weeks it’s been once again. Another weather related fiasco to thoroughly screw up our anticipated cold and snowy winter. First we had warm weather through most of November and December, then two weeks of really cold weather with an 8 inch snowfall, and finally three and a half inches of rain this week This photo was taken yesterday as our backyard quickly filled up with more than three and a half feet of water on top of the snow.
I should be thanking my lucky stars that this rainstorm was not snow. If it had been there’d be more than three feet of snow to deal with. I guess just this once I can be happy with the weather forecasters being correct. This morning I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to check the water level and this is what I saw.
All of the snow from the last storm had been thoroughly washed away but the snow that had been underwater through the night remained intact. It really doesn’t mean much but I thought it was kind of interesting.
With all of this rain I’m once again stuck in the house where I’m trying to keep busy with projects. Most of the Christmas paraphernalia has been sorted through, repackaged into containers, and returned to the attic for another year. Fortunately my better-half was able to fill quite a few boxes with items either damaged or out of date. Each year we’re slowly but surely weeding out the useless stuff giving her more room to store more new useless stuff. It’s what I call her “Circle of Life".
I began sorting through my Christmas gifts which were all pretty cool but yesterday I found some that were outstanding. Two of our friends who love making homemade foods like we do gave us some of their samples. We received four jars with some truly interesting flavors. I’m always preaching about doing things outside-the-box and they did it in a big way. There was Hot Tamale Apple Wedges, Orange/Blueberry jam, Strawberry Vanilla jam, and best of all for me Zucchini/Habanero jam.
I love all things hot and have experimented a few times in making jams with some elevated heat levels. My best efforts couldn’t come close to matching up to that Zucchini/Habanero jam. I ate 1/3 of the jar on two toasted English muffins and it was the best damn hot jam I’ve ever eaten. Our friends have definitely motivated me to try again and I will. I’ll certainly need something to give them next Christmas and I want it to be as good as I can make it.
I spent some time yesterday rereading some of my recent postings and I was a little disappointed. Anytime I find myself writing about boredom and depression the warning flags go up.
As a result of those feeling I sat down yesterday and wrote a rather long and harsh assessment of American politics and American politicians. After reading it for the third time I deleted the entire thing and went back to the drawing board. My problem with politics is that even though I try to remain calm these stupid politicians continually do everything they can to take money out of my pocket and also to erode as many of my basic civil rights as possible. Not one party is guilty, they all are. Sometimes I must rant or I’ll just explode and make a mess.
If I’m going to be bored and blue I might as well attempt to ridicule a portion of the population I dislike . . . celebrities and so-called famous people. They try so hard to be the cultural or pop icons for the masses but almost always do or say something utterly stupid or inane. I thought I’d give you an interesting review of some no-so-well spoken fools.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” –Irving Fisher, Economics Professor at Yale, in 1929, just before the Wall Street Crash.
“His ears are too big. He looks like an ape.” – American film producer Darryl F. Zanuck, refusing to sign Cary Grant to Warner Brothers.
“Who in the hell wants to hear actors talk?” – Harry Warner of Warner Brothers in 1927.
“We don’t like their sound. Groups with guitars are on their way out.” – Dick Rowe, A&R man at Decca, turning down the Beatles in 1962.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
This is a perfect example of people who are know-it-all’s that don’t know it all. Let’s move onto a new subject, last utterances before death. There are too many to list but this one just made my day.
Meher Baba, Indian guru who spoke his last words in 1925, 44 years before his death. The last thing he said before taking a vow of silence was:
“Don’t worry, be happy.”
A guru with a bizarre sense of humor or just a dumb ass with nothing more to say. We will never know.
Let’s move on to famous people who became famous for committing the ultimate crime . . . murder. You always hear that they get a last meal request just prior to the end. Let’s see what they ask for:
Gary Gilmore executed by firing squad in Utah 1/17/77 – A last meal of hamburger, eggs, and potatoes. His last words were “Let’s do it.”
Timothy McVeigh, the “Oklahoma Bomber”, executed on 6/11/2001 – His last meal consisted of two pints of mint chocolate ice cream.
Larry White was executed on 5/22/97 for the murder of a 72 year old woman. – His last meal was liver and fried onions, tomatoes, cottage cheese, and a glass of water. The state refused his request for a last cigarette on health grounds (How moronic is the state?).
John William Rook was executed by lethal injection on 9/19/86 for the rape and murder of a nurse. – His last meal was a dozen hotdogs with mustard and a can of cola.
‘Ted Bundy’
Here’s one last quote from a former famous guitar player Terry Kath of the group Chicago. On 1/23/78 he was putting away some guns at a roadie’s house after a party. He stated emphatically, “Don’t worry, it’s not loaded.”, put the barrel to his head, pulled the trigger, and died instantly.
BEING FAMOUS DEFINITELY DOESN’T MAKE YOU SMARTER
What do you do when you’re bored? Everyone seems to have a few ways of dealing with boredom and so do I. When I’m bored it’s usually being bored with the people around me and occasionally with life in general. Over the years I’ve had a very low tolerance for boring people up until the time I finally became one.
It’s only January seventh and I’m already going a little crazy being stuck in the house for most of the day. I read a quotation once upon a time and it’s stuck with me over the years. I’m not sure who the author of the quote was but I still find it pertinent all these years later. “Everyone is a bore to someone. That is unimportant. The thing to avoid is being a bore to oneself.”
Help Me! I beginning to find myself really effing boring. I plan every year to have a sufficient number of chores and projects to help me through these long winter months. My biggest problem this year is I’m not the least bit motivated to do anything. The situation started becoming a real problem this week which forced me into taking immediate action yesterday.
The one thing that always helps me to get my mind right is to cook something. I made a quick trip to the supermarket and picked up all of the necessary ingredients and spent one evening watching Netflix and dicing jalapeno peppers, Serrano peppers, and habanero peppers. Then dicing piles of red and white onions, sweet bell peppers, parsley, and cilantro. Yesterday was to be the first Salsa Day for 2016.
‘First prepare the jars and lids.’
I started by adding all of the ingredients together and allowing them to cook slowly. Then the hard work began as I seasoned and tasted, seasoned and tasted, and using a variety of hot peppers set the level of heat I was looking for. I wanted this batch to be as hot as possible but not so hot that people couldn’t eat it. It took a while but I was pleased with the results.
I also love the flavor of beans and use some combinations of them in many dishes. Since the salsa I was making is Roasted Corn & Black Bean I needed a way to add bean flavor without having the salsa look like a three-bean salad. I took three varieties of beans and pureed them into a heavy slurry. I slowly poured the slurry into the pot and hoped for the best. I also hoped that slurry would thicken the consistency of the salsa as it cooked. I really didn’t want to use tomato paste because the flavor is almost too strong.
After all was said and done here is the result. Thirteen quarts of Roasted Corn & Black Bean salsa that’s hot enough to make your head sweat and bring tears to your eyes. Just the way I like it.
My boredom disappeared almost immediately and one thing is for certain. The flavor of this salsa is as far away from boring as you can get.
Bring on the chips it’s time to eat.
Here’s your first dose of totally useless information (Trivia) for 2016. I can only assume many of you readers will be spending some time this year in your tavern of choice and many of you will attempt to participate in some sort of Trivia challenge or bar bet. Since it’s obvious to me from some of the emails and comments I receive that many of you drink regularly you will probably need these factoids to help you out a little. This information is my New Year’s gift to you so let’s get started with a few items about the Internet.
-
The time spent deleting spam emails costs U.S. Businesses approximately $10 billion annually.
-
The highest publicly reported amount paid for a domain name is $7.5 million in stock options, to buy business.com.
-
Thirty-five billion emails are sent each day throughout the world.
-
Thirty-two percent of all singles think they will meet their mate online.
-
The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.
Now for a few more interesting facts concerning our new beat friends . . . our cell phones.
-
More than fifty percent of the people on the earth have never made or received a telephone call.
-
Approximately 1,314 phone calls are misplaced by telecom services every minute.
-
There are 150,000,000 cell phones in use in the United States, more than one for every two human beings in the country.
-
As much as eighty percent of microwaves from cell phones are said to be absorbed by your head.
-
A Belgian couple were married by short message service (SMS) because text messaging played such a big part in their relationship.
Now for what you’ve all been waiting for. A few tidbits of information on our ever so interesting and at times nasty bodily functions.
-
The average heart beats 2.5 billion times in a lifetime. The heart beats about 100,000 times each day.
-
The body gives off enough heat in thirty minutes to bring a gallon of water to a boil.
-
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
-
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands. There are about one trillion bacteria on each foot.
-
During a kiss, as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged.
-
The body loses half a liter of water a day through breathing.
This was just the first of many trivia postings you can expect this year. I think it’s time for this blog to start living up to it’s name. You can’t have too much useless information in your life and I’m here to guarantee that you get yours.
With the holidays, the warm weather, and the snow storm behind us it’s time to move along into 2016. I was pleasantly surprised this morning when all of a sudden the clouds parted and the sun came out to play. It’s still as cold as hell but having that sunshine makes all the difference in the world.
It was time for my better-half and me to get our butts out of the house for a few hours. We ran a few errands, did a little food shopping, and of course took a few pictures. Winter pictures tend to be lackluster unless you have a monster storm of some sort. We decided to take a cruise around the adjacent neighborhoods to check things out. As you can see in this picture even some of the horses weren’t too happy with the cold which required getting their coats out of storage.
They all seemed glad to be out of the barn for a few hours and were pretty frisky. This good looking fellow wanted to visit with me with the hopes that I had an apple, carrot, or sugar cube in my pocket. Unfortunately for him I had nothing with me. In the future I’ll be carrying a few things in the car so as not to disappoint our four legged friends again.
‘Where’s my snack, Jack?’
It felt good to get out into the fresh air for a while but we returned home to this scene near the house. I’ve been showing you photo’s of my garden all summer and it’s only fair to show you how sad it looks right now.
‘Now’
‘Then’
I think I just succeeded in depressing myself all over again. Oh well, just five more months of winter (OMG) and things will be green and growing again. It’s going to be a very long, long, long, five months. Now I do need a drink.
Thank God the Christmas season is finally behind us for another year. As much as I enjoy it while it lasts, when it’s over it’s over. Let’s’ move right along to the next all consuming holiday, New Years. It’s during this in-between time every year that I usually do a final review of my New Year’s resolutions and introduce my list for 2016. With that in mind here is a quick recap of 2015.
2015
1. I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year. COMPLETED – I’m now up to 46 minutes.
2. I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them. COMPLETED, This one was easy.
3. I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R". COMPLETED: This one was even easier.
CAUSTIC COMMENT – Goodbye OBAMA, your fifteen minutes is almost over.
4. I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he’s started repeating damn near everything. COMPLETED
5. I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandsons) who irritate, annoy or piss me off. COMPLETED, and still going strong.
6. I vow to stop flirting with just anyone. There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not good for my self esteem. INCOMPLETE, It’s really difficult to break this semi-bad habit but my hearts not really into trying.
7. For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window. It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers. COMPLETE, Due entirely to my better-half’s purchase of a new window treatment.
8. I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws. INCOMPLETE, I have a few new scars but he really deserves being messed with whenever possible.
9. I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month. INCOMPLETE, I’m just not getting it done.
10. Read 2 books a week for a year. COMPLETE, 104 AS OF 12/29/2015.
Now for my resolutions for 2016. I’ve been giving these a lot of thought because I feel the need to shake things up a little. Here goes.
2016
1. With the help of my better-half, complete the family recipe book. We’ve procrastinated long enough.
2. Complete my blog book for 2015.
3. Between August 8th and New Years, complete at least one more tandem skydive.
4. Buy a dog.
5. Keep my foul language to an absolute minimum around the grand kids. I know at some point they’ll both learn all those nasty words but let it be from someone other than me.
6. Set aside at least two days a month for some quality time with my camera along the Maine coast or in the woods.
7. Try as hard as I can to give a damn about politics. You should know this resolution has absolutely no chance of ever being accomplished.
8. Try to be a little more confrontational and assertive with ignorant people who insist on annoying me. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
9. Stop eating potato chips.
10. Set time aside to get back into sketching and painting. I’ve gotten away from it for a few years and it’s time to return.
There you have it. I completed seventy percent of my resolutions for 2015 and I’m really proud of myself but I’m also reasonably sure the list for this year will be a lot more difficult.
I can only keep on keeping on.
‘Is this weird enough for you?’
Three days to go. Three more days of retail madness in a sea of questionable citizens. As I’ve stated a number of times recently this may be the weirdest Christmas I’ve ever had. Overly warm weather, no snow, no sleet, no slush, no SNIRT (Snow + Dirt), and all of that having a strange effect on the population including me.
Observation #1 – As I drive around through the surrounding countryside all I’ve been seeing are snowmobiles and snow blowers parked in the grass along the roads with For Sale signs on them. All of our more determined snow bunnies are now being forced to travel into the White Mountains in nearby New Hampshire if they want to frolic in the white stuff. We have none.
Observation #2 – One of the major priorities in Maine is preparation for Winter by purchasing sufficient amounts of heating oil, wood or other fuels well in advance of Christmas. Heating oil costs over the last few years have fluctuated between $2.75 per gallon to $3.45 per gal. It’s currently hovering just below the two dollar mark and dropping. Hooray for us and our bank accounts. This kind of weirdness I can learn to love. It’s one of the reasons I’m sitting here in my man-cave this morning waiting the arrival of an oil delivery truck. When the price drops like this it’s time to fill up the tank.
‘Ho, Ho, Ho, who wouldn’t go!’
Observation #3 – The warm weather has people here a bit confused and acting strangely. The better-half dragged me along on another one of her shopping forays to Walmart recently. We all know Walmart is known for some truly off-the-wall folks that can be seen there on any given day. This week I saw at least ten people in shorts, T-shirts, and strutting their stuff in flip-flops. It was 35 degrees for God’s sake.
‘Goats love going for a spin.’
Observation #4 – I’ve saved the best for last. I’ve been telling the world about Maine and Mainers for years and at times I gotten the feeling they think I might be exaggerating. This blurb may just prove my point once and for all.
‘They love feeling the wind in their hair.’
Yesterday morning I was looking out my picture window with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. I was watching the early morning traffic speeding by when I saw a truck approaching in the distance. It was one of those huge Suburban pickup trucks all clean and shiny. As it passed by I saw what I thought was a dog hanging out of the passenger side window like they love to do. As it got closer I started laughing to show my appreciation for Maine once again. It wasn’t a dog at all but a big brown goat. Sitting right next to the driver and enjoying the ride. Only two things could have improved that moment. The first would have been to have my camera ready and to have snapped that picture. The second would have been if that damn goat had been wearing a Santa hat.
‘Nothing as romantic as a man and his goat.’
One Mainer + One Pickup Truck + One Happy Goat = One Weird Christmas
3 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m not sure how everyone else was raised to celebrate Christmas but for me it entailed much more religion than anything else. My late Mother was Catholic through-and-through which translated into sending religious Christmas cards, attending midnight masses, and donating time to local organizations involved with decorating town areas. Being a kid I was unceremoniously volunteered to help with almost everything she did whether I liked it or not.
As we age things things tend to change a little and my approach to Christmas certainly did. I was never all that interested in the religious portion of Christmas but I went begrudgingly along just to please my Mom until I reached the ripe old age of 13. Then I became what some people called, difficult. I must have been way ahead of my time if what I’ve learned this week is any indication.
My three year old grandson came to visit this week and it was the first time he’d actually seen our decorated tree. We’d been very busy wrapping gifts and there were a pile of them under the tree. I was sitting on the floor next to him when he whispered to me "Are those our prizes?" I told him they were presents for everyone brought here a little early by a busy Santa. He gave me a long sideways glance while he thought about what I’d said. He must have decided Santa was still a real possibility so the conversation turned right back around to the gifts under the tree. I was again corrected by the little guy with "Grandpa those are prizes not presents" and “can we open one.” I told him they couldn’t be opened until Christmas but he insisted one of them had to be for him so we should open that one. Being chastised by a three year old takes some getting used to but I persevered and again refused his request.
My first thought was who put the word “prize” into his head. Neither my better-half nor I would do it and I’m certain his parents wouldn’t do it either. That leaves just the woman who runs the daycare center and I’m positive she wasn’t responsible. Who’s left? Just that small herd of little people who have nothing better to do all day than to play, fight, wrestle, nap, and tell each other the facts of life as translated from what they’ve heard at home. Some where along the way someone slipped in the word "prizes" and it seems to have stuck.
There was no mention of Jesus, his birthday, the Magi, church or religion. It’s taken less than two generations to wean the kids from religion at Christmas to a more secular and materialistic outlook. I suppose in another two years we’ll be calling Christmas "Prize Day". If you’re a good little boy/girl you win a prize but if you’re a bad little girl/boy you’ll get one anyway. We wouldn’t want you to feel like a loser.
5 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I know it’s the Christmas season and I also know that requires us to be as cheerful and happy as possible. I hope you’ll appreciate this break in all the happiness to listen to one of my short Christmas rants. Sit back and enjoy while I vent for a bit and try to get my blood pressure to drop back to normal levels.
For many years I made a point of skipping flu shots for one simple reason. Every time I got a flu shot, surprise, surprise, I immediately got the flu. As soon as I mentioned that to any healthcare provider I was given the always handy excuse of "It’s really just a milder version of the flu so be glad about that." I found it difficult to to be too glad so I finally stopped taking the shots. Just as a point of fact, I still got the damn flu and it didn’t feel all that different from the so-called milder version. What does that tell you? It tells me that it’d possible that someone’s been pumping a whole lot of sunshine up my skirt and getting away with it for years.
I realize that the politicians in this country think that all of us non-political mouth-breathers are morons and uneducated idiots. I should add the entire healthcare system thinks that way as well with all of it’s so-called experts speaking down to us at every opportunity. I may be a moron and an idiot but I’m still able to recognize a huge pile of BS when I see it, step in it, or smell it. Right now I’m doing all three.
‘Can’t see Santa till you get that flu shot kiddies.’
We constantly hear talk that certain chemicals used to create flu shots and other vaccines may be one of the causes of the massive increase in children diagnosed with forms of autism. Since I’m an idiot and a moron I’m expected to go along with all of the experts when it comes to injecting vaccines into my body. I’m also expected to believe all of the rhetoric and propaganda that’s shoved down my throat for a few months each year.
Over the years they’ve just made it too damn easy to get flu shots. We can go to drug stores, malls, Walmart, and community centers. Maybe next year they’ll include a few gas stations, car repair shops, 7/11’s, or even have drive-thru service on interstate highway rest stops. Those rest stops are known for quite a diverse cross-section of the population who also are in need of flu shots.
I received my flu shot this year in September and guess what? I’ve been sick with a host of flu symptoms for two months that never seem to go away. This must prove just how right the experts are, right? Instead of a one week case of the flu I’m now able to suffer for a month or more with their damn weaker version which really makes for a wonderful Christmas. I can sneeze, wheeze, and contaminate my entire family. This mouth breathing moron is slowly waking up. . . . no more effing flu shots for me.
HAVE A MERRY FLU INFESTED CHRISTMAS – 6 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
everyuselessthing.com 