Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
Here we are, it’s the first week of March and everyone in Maine is in a tizzy about an early Spring. I’ve been fooled too many times by that little rodent from Punxatawney, PA. Living in Maine has given me a new respect for good old Mother Nature. She can make a fool of us very easily it seems. So I thought I’d come up with a few telltale signals to help me make my own decision. How to tell if an early Spring will be coming to Maine. Here they are.
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The morning doves arrived this week, a few months ahead of schedule. Maybe they know something I don’t but then again they’re just stupid birds.
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The daffodils are an inch high and going strong even though the night temperatures have remained in the mid-twenties.
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I actually observed a number of groundhog loving idiots wearing shorts, T-shirts, and flip flops in the last few weeks. Morons!
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I’ve also spotted large numbers of maple syrup collection pots going onto maple trees all over the area.
‘Old-school equipment.’
‘New high-tech equipment.’
‘End Result’
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Snowmobiles throughout the area have been parked in driveways with “For Sale” signs attached. Always a telling sign.
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The squirrels are out in large numbers already as reflected by the increased number of road kills I’ve been observing.
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While road kill numbers for squirrels are up so are the number of bicyclists on the roads. Riding through piles of dirty snow must give them some kind of a perverse thrill.
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Of course the crazy and obsessive joggers and power walkers seem to be everywhere all of a sudden. It’s a real chore trying to drive on the roads filled with joggers, walkers, bicycles, squirrels, and the slowly melting piles of dirty snow.
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And finally now that the parka’s, gloves, scarfs, and sweaters are coming off I can once again begin my girl watching campaign for 2016. For most of the winter it’s hard to tell who are the men and who are the women.
I suppose I should mention that when I woke up this morning I walked over to the window to check things out. To my chagrin we had just enough of a snowfall during the night to whiten everything. This is Spring? I think not.
Lesson #1 – Ignore weather forecasts made by groundhogs who don’t live in the state of Maine.
C’MON SPRING
Is it just me or do blondes get a bum rap (no pun intended) in this country. I’ve known my fair share of blondes over the years and I don’t feel good about making general assumptions on their intelligence or lack thereof. It still amazes me just how much effort is put forth by our society to create bad jokes and ridiculous stories about the proverbial “dumb blondes”.
I will admit I’ve laughed long and hard (no pun intended) about certain blondes and repeated some really hilarious jokes along the way. I’ll continue to do that today because I’m just a guy, standing in front of you, repeating a joke about a cute but naïve blonde girl. That was my lame attempt to co-op a Julia Robert’s quote from Notting Hill. It apparently didn’t work but what follows will.
Joke #1
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don’t have that kind of money but I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.
He said, "Go ahead…take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well… go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO…..MOM???
* * *
Now here’s two interesting but true facts about our blonde friends.
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In the urban west, one out of three women has blonde hair; only one in twenty is a natural blond.
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Sixty-two of the world’s richest men are married to brunettes, twenty-two to blondes, sixteen to “raven haired” women, and none to a redhead.
* * *
Joke #2
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the drop-dead gorgeous blonde driver was.
"I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am…. could I see your driver’s license…?" "What’s a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It’s usually in your wallet," replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop."Registration….. what’s that?" asked the blonde.
"It’s usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I’ll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm…. is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes," replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh… yes" replied the cop.
"Here’s what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.""WHAT!!? I can’t do that. It’s….. inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me….. just do it," said the dispatcher.So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no … not ANOTHER breathalyzer."
* * *
Joke #3
A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.
The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I’m looking for someone to mind this store for me."
"When do I start?" the guy asked.
"Now. I’m leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.
First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars," he said.
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"Give me the . . . uh, black one. I’ve never had a black one before." She paid and left.
Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the black dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one. I’ve never had a white one before." She paid and left.
Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one. I’ve never had a checkered one before." She paid and left.
Closing time came around and the owner returned. "How was your first day?"
"Great!" the guy responded. "I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred."
* * *
I’ll put an end to this post with a few one liners you might appreciate. They are a bit off color but I know that’s what you’ve really been waiting for anyway. These jokes are a special dedication to the blondes living in the state of Ohio. I could explain further but I’ve already said too much. My life could already be in danger because they’re a vicious and horny bunch. Just saying!
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been on your computer?
A: There is lipstick on the joystick.
Q. What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.
Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A. One’s a busy ditch.
As a public service you should all be aware that no blondes were injured during the writing of this post.
This winter weather here in Maine remains fickle. Fifty degrees one day, then fog the next, ten degrees the third day, and freezing rain and black ice the next. I’ve pretty much given up listening the the forecasters because they apparently don’t have much of a clue either.
With February almost gone we’re within six weeks or so from seeing winter start to fade away. Overall it’s been one of the better winters since I moved to Maine. Temperatures were mild up until Christmas and we’ve only had one snow storm worth mentioning. Without a doubt the best part is how much money we’ve saved on home heating oil. Warmer temperatures and a serious drop in price from $3.40 a gallon to a $1.35 have kept a smile on our faces all winter. We’ll probably end up saving between five and eight hundred dollars in heating costs this season.
We took a ride through the surrounding area last week just to see what was happening. As always here in Maine we stumbled on wild turkeys a number of times. With most of the snow cover already melting they’re able to feed in more locations than usual. Here they are . . .
Maybe they’re the true harbingers of Spring and not that dumbass gopher in Pennsylvania.
With the rediscovery of my creative juices I’ve been working on two projects steadily for the last week. I’ve finished one and in another few days I’ll finish another. I won’t post too much of either until they’re both complete. Here’s a shot of a two square inch portion of the first. It’s a little strange but that’s how I roll.
Just for a laugh I thought I’d send out a truly tasteless joke. It made me laugh out loud for some reason but it’s sure to irritate a few of the ladies out there. That’s too bad . . . but here it is anyway.
A women went to apply for a job as a truck driver. Not too keen on the idea, the personnel manager for the trucking company said, “You have to be pretty tough to cut it as a truck driver, you know.” I’m tough, I really am,” said the eager applicant. “Well, do you smoke and drink?” “Yes of course.” “Do you cuss a lot?” asked the interviewer. “You bet you asshole, “ said the woman. “I cuss like a lumberjack.” “So have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” “Well, no,” she admitted, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits a couple of times.”
Please no moaning . . . everyone needs a dirty joke once in a while even if it is a little corny.
C’MON SPRING
There are times in people’s lives when life insists are mucking things up. For me the month of February 2016 is fast becoming a month to remember. Let me explain.
I’m back from my two days without blogging and if I remember correctly it’s the first time I’ve missed posting from my every-other-day schedule. I look forward to blogging each and every time and get more than a little miffed when life starts messing with me. Healthcare issues are currently harshing my buzz.
For instance, my two day journey this week was totally consumed by things I absolutely hate . . . doctors, hospitals, examinations, Obamacare, and those always sucky insurance companies. Believe me when I say I hate them all equally. Someday most of you will be where I am now. Retired from decades of working your ass off and wanting to spend your remaining years enjoying life. I think I’ll be the bucket of ice water dumped on your head to wake you up. Good luck with trying to enjoy yourself.
Over the last few years since my private healthcare plan was scrapped and I was forced onto Medicare the government keeps trying to intrude on my calm. As we all know once the government gets involved in anything it’s a freaking nightmare. Getting older is tough enough on the good days but having a bunch of bureaucrats and politicians intruding into your life on a regular basis is madness. The real truth is that the older you get the worse it becomes so start getting your mind right now for what’s to come.
Look forward to a continuous stream of emails from damn near every government agency you can think of and endless changes made to every part of the Obamacare program and it’s requirements. You’re also required to have expensive tests and scanning’s done even when they aren’t necessary. My doctor told me this week I looked perfectly fine, my BP was good, my cholesterol was perfect, and that I was in excellent physical condition for my age. Hooray for me, right? No way. The next thing he did was schedule me for sonogram of my torso. Guess who will be footing the bill for that I wonder. The taxpayers I’ll bet. This test is mandatory for me to meet the Medicare requirements of my Wellness visit. What a large crock of crap. How many thousands of other Seniors are also being forced into these tests at what I’m sure is hundreds of dollars per test.
Lets review my last six months of health related activities. My doctor of 14 years sold his practice and moved back to Pakistan because of Obamacare. My hospital was sold to a large healthcare corporation and I’ve had three difference doctors assigned to me since that occurred. Blood tests, scans of body parts I could care less about, and surveys required by the government to get my opinion of the job they’re doing. It’s nice of them to also keep me aware of just how old I’m getting and all of the healthcare tragedies that might eventually kill me. Like I don’t know what they are already.
Today I spent and hour and a half trying to straighten out my prescriptions that I’ve been receiving by mail for eleven years. I attempted to login to the insurance companies website to confirm my next three months of pills which just happen to be keeping me alive. I couldn’t log on because all of a sudden they didn’t recognize my name, my email address, or my password. I was officially a non-person. I then called them for help and became lost in the maze of their computerized menu system that totally befuddled me which I assume is done purposely. After talking with a young lady from El Paso, Texas for far too long I finally confirmed my prescriptions as required to keep the Medicare idiots happy. Life was finally good, right? No effing way!
My IPad began screaming that new charges had just hit my credit card from the insurance company and guess what . . . they double billed me. It would have been so much easier for me and the government if I would’ve just died when I turned 65.
Let me look into my crystal ball and try to see what’s coming in all of your futures. Maybe free euthanasia clinics? Possibly cut-backs of critical treatments to save money? We can always rely on the politicians to find the “final solution” to the Obamacare, Medicare, and Social Security cost increases. Thinning the herd may be just the answer they finally come up with.
Hopefully I’ll be long gone before those things become your topics of conversation.
GOOD LUCK, YOU’LL NEED IT!!
It’s 630am and I just finished watching Julius Caesar be murdered for the umpteenth time. What a bizarre way to start my day. I’m badly addicted to the late great HBO series, Rome, and watching it has slowly become my morning ritual. My fixation with all things Roman began in my junior year of high school with the reading of Julius Caesar and my three years of Latin language classes also helped. Later in college I became quite fond of wearing togas giving me a whole new appreciation for Roman ingenuity when it came to easy-removed clothing.
Over the years I’ve read almost everything I could find about that time period trying in vain to understand how such an advanced society could become so bloodthirsty and uncaring about human life. The history of the time gave me a great deal of respect for Spartacus and his minions who rose up and attempted to free themselves from slavery even though they were all killed in the process. I remain puzzled by the entire era which forces me to keep reading about it.
I’ve heard so many people over the years comparing the situation in this country to Rome’s decline and in some ways agreed with them. The only accurate comparison for me concerned the continuing lack of morality in Rome that seemed to increase year by year with their affluence. The United States seems to me to be in a similar rut but comparing the two in their entirety is like comparing apples with oranges.
I’ve been reading for the last few months a book written in the mid-1700’s by Edward Gibbons, The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. It’s a difficult read on a good day as are all books written by so-called intellectuals. There are as many footnotes as actual text in the book and I wanted to scream out loud before I made it through the first 100 pages. It became somewhat easier when I decided to completely disregard all of the footnotes and just read the actual text. I’ll probably finish reading this cumbersome tome in a few months but it won’t be easy. Unfortunately there’s just enough valuable information in it to keep me reading to the end.
I just finished my second cup of hot black coffee and I can feel my energy level beginning to rise. I’ll be spending some time today putting the finishing touches to a print I’ve been working on. It’s an abstraction of a family photo
taken last Christmas in front of the tree. It’s more of an experiment in the use of vivid colors while working with materials that are somewhat new to me. It’s preparing me for a more detailed and difficult project that I’ll be starting in the next few weeks using these same materials. As always practice and preparation make for a satisfactory completion of any project.
I’ll watch a few more minutes of Rome then get up to face my day. I should be safe since the Ides of March are still a few weeks away.
Are you a technology lover? Some people just put up with all of the new technology but really aren’t all that into it. I’m just the opposite. I love any and all technology and do my best to keep up with things as they progress. I never thought it could happen but I came upon some technology yesterday that annoyed and irritated me more than I thought possible.
My better-half and I were out and about enjoying the single digit temperatures and decided to do lunch at Applebee’s before returning home. Normally I’m an Applebee’s fan but they’re doing something now that just makes me a little crazier than usual. They’ve decided to put their customers to work by placing a small computer at each table. It just sits there and flashes advertisements and screensavers the entire time your ordering and trying to eat. They attempt to entice you to play some stupid trivia games so they can add $1.99 to your bill and keep you occupied while waiting for your food to arrive.
The place was very busy and there appeared to be a serious shortage of waitresses. We were made to wait much longer than normal for our order resulting in a barrage of apologies from the nearby bartender and a roving manager. We sat patiently for quite a while but then I began to get a bit annoyed. Eventually the food arrived and thank God it was delicious. Just as we were finishing our meal the bartender stopped at our table to ask the obligatory question they always ask, "How was everything?" At the same time she nonchalantly dropped the bill on the table and quickly walked away. Little did I know that they expected us to pay the bill using that little terminal at our table.
I’m a firm believer that people working in restaurants should earn their TIPS. If you’re rude, annoying, and slow you won’t get a TIP from me. If your on top of your game and do everything just right I’ll fork over a 20% TIP every time. I’ve been told that TIPS is short for "To Improve Personal Service" and I expect decent service before donating any of my hard earned cash.
I was then directed to just swipe my credit card through the terminal at my table and follow the menus to pay my bill. As the final bill was displayed I noticed a 20% TIP had been automatically added on. I found that magic menu button that allowed me to dial back the TIP to only 10%. While the food was delicious the service was slow and I had to do all the work of checking myself out therefore no 20% TIP.
Then the stupid computer asked if I wanted a receipt printed out or to have one emailed to me. The last thing I need is another company adding me to their email list so they can pelt me with a stream of unwanted food alerts. I indicated I wanted a printed receipt so I could verify the amount I’d paid before leaving the restaurant. I was then required to visit the bar to the only register where receipts were being printed. I was made to feel like some sort of primitive Neanderthal who still needed an actual paper receipt and couldn’t handle the technology. Since I’ve seen too many errors on bills over the years I don’t assume they’re always correct. This Neanderthal needs to see any possible discrepancies immediately and not a couple of hours later in an email.
I have a proposal for all of these so-called progressive restaurants. In the future I will enter, seat myself, and order my meal from the computer on my table. When it’s ready I can be alerted by the kitchen staff on the terminal, walk back, and retrieve my food. When I’m done I can take my dishes to the kitchen, pay the bill on the computer and have my receipt emailed. Then I would certainly expect a 20% reduction on my bill for all of the fine service I’d rendered. I’d never have to talk to or see any semi-interested employees or gushy and insincere managers. I’d just eat my food and get the hell out. What do you think about that?
I now have to admit that there is some technology that just plain sucks. There I’ve said it, once and for all. And for all of those Chili’s restaurants out there, I see you’ve also started this same nonsense as Applebee’s with your cutsy table computers. You’ll probably be seeing much less of my business as well.
The customer is always right or have you just forgotten that.
It seems that Winter has finally caught up with us. Up until now it’s been a relatively mild season as far as the snowfall goes. The temps have been up and down but noting too frigid until this weekend. Unlike many of the other northern states we expect to receive a lot of snow but the temperatures usually don’t go much lower than ten degrees during the coldest months.
My father had a quaint old saying for cold weather like we’re seeing this weekend. He always described it as "cold as a well diggers asshole" and if my mother was nearby it was "as cold as a well diggers elbow". Below zero temps with a good healthy wind were all of that and a bag of chips.
Last night my better-half and I spent our night at home babysitting the grandchildren. We had the good sense to stay inside and not be roaming around in sub-zero temperatures. The house was warm and cozy, the toddlers were reasonably well behaved, and another viewing of Alvin & the Chipmunks was in the offing (Just shoot me now).
Their parents were having a Valentines Day date night and weren’t expected to return until eleven. Just as the boys were finally falling asleep and Alvin and the Chipmunks were coming to an end they showed up much earlier than expected. The current temperature at the time was –2 degrees with a wind-chill of -15. It apparently was just too damn cold for them to do much of anything and they’d called it a night.
It’s now the next morning and I’m almost ready to leave this warm bed. Hot coffee might give me enough energy to pick up all the toys scattered throughout the house before having my bowl of hot oatmeal. I imagine I’ll be stuck in the house for another day or two which doesn’t make me very happy.
I’m moving slower than usual due to a late night awakening where I spent two hours playing X-Box LEGO Star Wars, reading three chapters of my latest book, eating a cookie, and returning to bed at 5am. This insomnia I’ve been suffering with for the last two months is just killing me.
February it seems is a rather boring and utterly useless month. It’s two biggest holidays are Groundhog Day and Valentines Day which says a lot about relevance to me.
It’s such a slow short month that all of our overpaid politicians are forced into action to show the electorate they’ll actually are doing something, even if it’s in February. I can’t list all of the observance that have been piled up into the shortest month of the year because there are just too damn many. The following partial list contains a few weekly observances for this week that will help make my point.
Celebration of Love Week: 7-13th
Children of Alcoholics Week: 7-13th
Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week: 7-14th
Dump Your Significant Jerk Week: 7-13th
Have A Heart for A Chained Dog Week: 7-14th
Jell-O Week: 7-13th
National Secondhand Wardrobe Week: 7-13th
Love Makes the World Go Round; But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week: 8-14th
I can just see and hear a group of politicos sitting in a local tavern on any given Friday night telling war stories to each other concerning all of their weeks accomplishments. "I finally got that ‘Dump Your Jerk Week’ observance passed. It’s been a year of hard work getting it pushed through and I was forced to call in all of my IOU’s to do it. It was exhausting work but someone had to finally get it done." His buddy sitting nearby had to do a little one-upmanship, "I had a tough week too. That observance of ‘Love Makes the World Go Round; But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week’ was a killer. I spent six months arm twisting damn near everyone to get it passed. The United States is now a better place for it."
I found only two daily observance for February 10th and they are just as stupid. I had to look up the word PLIMSOLL to discover it’s some sort of an athletic shoe. Who knew?
Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day
So a great big THANK YOU goes out to those geniuses responsible for cluttering up our lives with more useless crap. We shouldn’t be allowed to vote until we’ve been made to review all of these stupid observances to find out what politicians are responsible for them.
AND THANKS TO NH FOR KICKING HILLARY’S ASS.
‘1969 was an interesting year.’
How to kill an entire Sunday. Let me tell you how I did it. Yesterday my better-half was scheduled to work and I was looking forward to a day of peace and quiet and time to work on MY projects. How could I even dare to imagine something like that, I should have known better.
‘Who loves you Janis’
Unfortunately some months ago I made a commitment to her concerning the laptop she’d just purchased. I promised I’d help her setup the new laptop by transferring all of her photographs from the old to the new. This should teach me a valuable lesson for the future. Never volunteer for something unless you’re absolutely sure you know what your getting into. I thought I knew but apparently I was once again clueless.
‘The spooky Doors.’
I cleared off the kitchen table, fired up both computers, made a pot of coffee, and settled in for what I thought would be an hour or two of work. Oh how stupid I am. Little did I know just how many photo’s she had scattered throughout that hard drive of her old computer. She had pictures from multiple cameras going back six years. There were videos from both her IPhone and IPad and I kid you not . . . more than ten thousand pictures taken with an assortment of past and present cell phones. She apparently has never discovered the use of the delete button. It was a trash dump of photo’s placed on that laptop with absolutely no attempt at organization whatsoever.
‘Jumpin Joe Cocker’
As always I fall back to the old adage “When someone gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I found my own IPod and plugged it in, put on the headset and spent the next seven hours having a 60’s Flashback Sunday. I started out by listening to the entire three days of Woodstock with the original recordings. That required me to immediately switch from just coffee to coffee laced with Drambuie. I then cranked up Joe Cocker, The Band, The Yardbirds, The Hollies, Janis Joplin, The Doors, and even the Greatest Hits of War.
‘My favorite band, The Band. ‘RIP Levon’
At the end of the day I’d transferred no less than twenty-five thousand pictures to the new laptop and was suffering from a serious coffee buzz overlapped with a Drambuie buzz. There’s nothing better than Drambuie so after I finished transferring all the files I stopped drinking the coffee. From that point on it was Drambuie, Amy Winehouse and me. What a great way to spend the day and complete a tiresome project.
‘Sweet Amy’
‘Even sweeter . . . Drambuie on the lips.’
Today I’m back to what I’d call normal but still showing signs of a rather interesting hangover. For some reason my first cup of coffee this morning tasted strangely like Drambuie. How odd! I guess that’s one of the effects of time travel back to the sixties. Along with rocking out, a sore throat from all of the singing along, and being able to return home with no arrests or STD’s to show for it.
That’s what I’d call a good day in any decade.
I awakened yesterday to another snow storm that eventually dropped more than ten inches on us. It was one of those snows that seem to stick to every surface, covering trees and bushes and turning the area into a wonderland. It’s one of the few winter things that can get me to leave the house. As you can see my camera operates just fine in the snow.
Again this morning I discovered even more snow had fallen. I heard the snowplows a number of times during the night as they attempted to keep the roads clear enough to use. The last thing I did before going to bed last evening was to crank up my snowblower and clear the driveway.
My better-half was scheduled for work at 5:30 am and the last thing I wanted was to be awakened early today just to clear snow from the driveway. It’s 09:00 am now and I haven’t heard from her so I can assume you made it to work in one piece. This photo was taken early this morning just as the sun was coming up.
It’s just as beautiful out today as yesterday. The temperature dropped overnight which kept the snow sticking to the trees. Hopefully I’ll get motivated later this morning and get my butt outside for more pictures. Since I’m slowly recovering from this flu I can start getting my life back to normal once again.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS WEATHER AS A KID
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