Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
I found this article a few days ago filled with suggestions and recommendations for women on how to please their man. Of course this was published in a 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly and the term "You’ve come a long way baby!" wasn’t yet in everyday use as you can plainly see. Read on ladies so you can see what you’ve been missing. I hope my occasional comments don’t bother you too much. I just could stop myself.
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Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. (I can’t read this without laughing my ass off).
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Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people (Just answer the door naked, same thing).
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Be a little gay (not today’s gay) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties (this is now considered a bad word) is to provide it.
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Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives (They’re joking, right?).
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Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables (Don’t hold your breath guys).
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Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too (If she believed this she’s crazy). After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction (Not lately).
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Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures (OMG) and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all the noise (No way). At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet (Utter BS).
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Be happy to see him (50% of the time if he’s lucky).
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Listen to him (Not going to happen). You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours (Not for decades).
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Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late (Mistress) or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment (Strip Clubs) without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
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Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit (Ha Ha).
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Don’t greet him with complaints and problems (I’m sure this will happen).
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Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner (Strip Club again) or even if he stays out all night (Mistress again). Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
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Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom (Old wives tale). Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
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Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes (OMFG). Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice (No effing way).
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Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house (In his dreams) and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him (Wanna bet?).
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A good wife always knows her place (Not these days).
Now you guys know why they were called the good old days. But just a reminder, those effing days are gone forever.
I spend a lot of time on the Net these days and have done so for many years. It’s become an integral part of my life and indispensible in a number of other ways. It’s hard to believe than just over thirty years ago I was a subscriber to the Genie Electric Network and received text-only Internet on a 300 baud modem. The changes have been huge and relatively fast and I’m glad to have experienced the Net in all of it’s changing incarnations.
I decided to do a little surfing today and to collect a few facts about the all-seeing Internet in it’s current form. I was more than a little shocked at what I found because some of the numbers were almost impossible to wrap my head around. Here is a short list of some amazing stats. Unbelievable is probably more accurate.
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Google estimates the Internet at about 5 million terabytes of data, or 5 trillion megabytes.
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The human brain can hold between 1 and 10 terabytes.
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Using an average of 5 terabytes per human brain, it would take a million human brains to hold the entire Internet.
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212 DVD’s will hold one terabyte or 1,000,000,000 to hold the Internet.
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40 Blue-ray discs will hold a terabyte and it would take 200,000,000 to store the Internet.
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American makes up 76.2% of the Internet population but only 5% of the worlds population.
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There are 247 billion emails sent every day and 81% (200,000,000) are spam.
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There are 90 trillion emails sent each year.
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Teenagers spend an average of 31 hours per week on the Internet and only four hours doing homework.
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There are 234,000,000 web sites and 126,000,000 blogs.
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Every second 28,258 Internet users are watching pornography.
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There are 600 tweets a second.
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924 videos are watched on Hulu each month in the US.
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Twenty hours of videos are loaded onto YouTube every minute.
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Facebook has 6,000,000 page viewers a minute.
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2,500,000 images are loaded onto Facebook each month.
Some of these facts are mind-blowing but a number of others are more than a little scary. I’m not sure I could survive my raging paranoia if I had teenage children to raise now. I can’t imagine the difficulties there must be when in most cases the kids are more knowledgeable about the Net than most of their parents. What will this all become in another thirty years?
I’ve just about made myself cross-eyed today. I’ve been putting off for months what I’m in the middle of doing. I decided that I’ve procrastinated long enough and the review of almost fifteen thousand photographs has begun. Once all of them has been reviewed and the duplicates eliminated I can then do a complete backup which will go into safe storage at another location. It took me almost ten years of hard work to take these photos and I’m finding it difficult to discard any of them. It’s the perfect Fall season job where I can sit back, relax and do things properly.
I take everything in high resolution mode and as you know that requires a great deal of memory for storage. I thought three years ago that having a terabyte of hard drive memory would last me for many years. I underestimated a little and now find my drive almost fifty percent full. I may be forced into buying a large removable hard drive or signing up for one of those off-site backup systems through one of the those companies offering that service.
Winter is always the perfect time for such projects. A few years ago I spent a great deal of my winter converting my extensive music CD collection to MP3’s. It took a long time but was well worth the effort. I find doing time consuming projects very relaxing and the more difficult the better. I know it sounds stupid but it’s true none the less.
I’ve also decided that reindexing all of the photos is necessary because during my first years using an DSLR I was a newbie to digital photography and did what I consider to be a haphazard job. I’ll now spend a good portion of this Winter going back and redoing each and every one. If my estimate is correct it should take me well into January to get it done right once and for all.
It should go a long way to help me in the creation of a number of photo books I’ve been considering. I discovered that without a thorough indexing job it’s possible for me to lose photo’s I remember taking. It can frustrate the hell out of a person when your forced to manually search through thousands of pictures because you indexed one photo improperly.
Well, I have a lot to do over the next five months and I should get started. No idle hands for me this Winter.
I think I’ll start your week with a few items of truly useless information. You can never have enough of this wonderful stuff and I intend to keep shoveling it your way until I run out. So sit back in your seat and enjoy.
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Mr. Potato Head was the first toy advertised on TV.
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Malaria mosquitoes are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
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A fetus acquires fingerprints by the end of the first trimester.
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Every 20 minutes the world population increases by 3500.
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Toilet paper was invented by the Chinese in 1391 for the exclusive use by the emperor.
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The two robbers crucified next to Jesus were Dismas and Gestas.
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Disney World in Orlando, Florida, covers 30,500 acres (46 square miles).
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Butterflies are cannibals.
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Tigers have striped skin under their hair but zebra’s don’t.
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Monkeys have no feet, they are classified as four-handed.
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Under the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, leeches and maggots are categorized as medical devices.
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You can in fact get cooties. Cooties are lice.
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Poison Ivy is a member of the Cashew family.
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In late 1600’s Puritan society, a child over 16 years old convicted of cursing at a parent was sentenced to death.
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E T A O I N S H R D L U C M F G Y P W B V K X J Q Z: The alphabet in order of its frequency of use in written English
Well, there you have it. See just how many useless facts you were unaware of. As a reminder, I get a ten percent of all bar bet winnings. Just so you know.
Before I hop on my newly purchased torture device I thought I’d get these answers from yesterdays quiz on their way to you. I tried the quiz on a few others yesterday and they had some difficulties to be sure. I threw two current events questions in just for the hell of it and I’m sorry I did. How can a person living in this country where we’re up to our ass in media not know anything about the Boston Marathon bombing case. I’m sorry to say this was someone in their fifties who just isn’t paying attention. Unbelievable is the word I’m looking for. Here are your answers.
1. Jordin Sparks
2. Chemical weapons
3. Trapt
4. 27
5. Miriam Makeba
6. Lego
7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
8. Weezer
9. One was shot and killed by police, and the other was captured in a massive manhunt.
10. Destiny Hope Cyrus
Before I step onto this treadmill for my daily workout I’m sitting here lining up the music I’ll be listening to. Today will be Beatles day. I’ve loved them for years and their music still holds up even to our current Hip Hop generation. In memory of the Fab Four here are a few facts about them that fans will appreciate.
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John Lennon had dyslexia.
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Paul McCartney and Pete Best were once arrested in Hamburg because they stuck a condom to a wall and set it on fire.
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In the 60’s Paul McCartney had three cats named Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
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Only 6% of Beatles autographs currently in circulation are estimated to be real.
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John Lennon’s favorite food was cornflakes.
Enough of this nonsense. I’ve got a date to sweat through my clothing and I need to get started. Tomorrow is another day.
Last week I offered up a trivia quiz which was more than a little difficult. So after being prompted by a younger reader I decided to do a quiz that is a little more up to date. Although I’m forced to admit this quiz seems more like a current events test than trivia.
So lets get started. I took this quiz myself and scored a measly six points. That’s same mediocre results as the last quiz which really irritates the hell out of me. Oh yes, one more thing, good luck Lily, let me know how you do.
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1. Who won the 6th season of American Idol?
2. What type of forbidden weapons were Syria accused of using against its people?
3. What band, formerly fronted by Adam Gontier, released their album "Reborn" in 2013?
4. Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain all died at what age??
5. Who released the song Pata Pata with a non-English title?
6. What kind of house did Ed Sheeran sing about in his 2012-2013 hit?
7. What was the complete name of the most recent Indiana Jones film?
8. Which band’s 1994 self titled debut is commonly referred to as “The Blue Album?”
9. What happened to the two terrorists that instigated the Boston Marathon tragedy?
10. What is Miley Cyrus’s real name?
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As usual the answers will be posted tomorrow. Good luck to you folks over thirty. Here’s a little joke to start your day.
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what’s your point?" "Well," says the first, "I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!"
How many times a week are you told by others that your way of doing things could be better, meaning their way. It’s amazing to me how everyone thinks their way is the absolute best way. I can understand it totally because at times I feel that way myself.
I’ve had close friends and family with no practical experience in much of anything tell me how I should invest my money, romance a woman, what food to eat, and what kind of job I should have. Everyone is an effing expert in everything it seems. It’s funny that the guy with no girlfriends or prospects is the expert on romance. The guy who doesn’t have two cents in his pocket or bank account is the one telling me what stocks are going to go through the roof. Maybe it’s the woman with no children who spends all of her time telling her married girlfriends how to raise their children. It’s maddening.
To quote one of my favorite song lyrics, “Opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one.” I’ve learned over the years who I can rely on for good information and those hundreds who haven’t had a good idea about anything in recent memory. I’ve also learned not to voice any of my own opinions unless I’m asked. I may stand in a group of friends and listen to them tell each other how to live their lives without saying a single word. It makes me the guy who never has to hear those dreaded words, “Your advice sucked.”
I suppose it’s always been that way. People telling people what will happen in the future, how they should live their lives and they do it in such a way it’s seemed logical at the time. Here are some predictions I’ve discovered from so-called experts that were so bad I just had to pass them along.
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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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"This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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"We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
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"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy."
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
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"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
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"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
As you can see even people with impressive resumes aren’t experts in everything like they think they are. I‘m certainly glad I never had these experts whispering in my ear and giving me advice about anything important. Everything comes back to good old “common sense”. Constantly being negative about things just stifles creativity and can make you one miserable and unhappy SOB and also reward you with an honorable mention on this blog.
Well, how did you do on yesterdays trivia challenge? I told you it was difficult so don’t be too disappointed that you didn’t score higher. I’ll be sending an assortment of those quiz’s your way over the next few months and some will be easier and others even harder. It’s just a little something to get you thinking and if some day you happen to win a bar bet or two, your welcome. Here are the answers you’ve been waiting for.
1. Peter Lorre
2. William Bendix
3. Johnny Mathis
4. The Return of Dr. X (He was a zombie.)
5. Andy Robinson (Son of Edward G. Robinson)
6. Superman
7. A teenage Andy Williams.
8. Frank Sinatra
9. It had no name, she called it “cat”.
10. Frank
Onward with other business. Normally on days like this I’ll try and offer you a little humor to start your day or end it depending on when you read this. Here’s a little joke for ya.
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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I’m reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She’s knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I’m nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be sixteen."
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Now that you have that small smile on your face I’ll move onto my next subject. I’d like to thank these folks for visiting this blog and then deciding to stick around for a while. New followers are always a pleasant surprise and I recommend you visit them and give their sites a look. Welcome aboard and thank you!
Joe Seeber, sfoxwriting, jangawol, Jordan Latour, funoften, ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith, Kylie Bannink, linzelite, miraclesworldrecords
A few weeks ago I served up a trivia test on Television and Radio in an attempt to determine the depths of my readership’s trivia knowledge. I did a moderately sucky job on the last test as did most of you. Never one to be discouraged I’ve decided to try again but with a different topic. This series of trivia questions concern Movies.
I’ve been a huge movie fan for most of my life, especially with movies from the 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s. this will be a plethora of useless knowledge I hope you all find entertaining.
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1. What famous character actor paired for a career in psychiatry, studying and working with pioneer psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler, before he turned to performing?
2. What actor and one time New York Yankee batboy portrayed Babe Ruth in 1948 movie biography,The Sultan of Swat?
3. Who dubbed Miss Piggy’s singing voice in The Muppet Movie?
4. What was the only horror film in which Humphrey Bogart appeared?
5. Who played Scorpio, the sadistic killer, in Clint Eastwood’s 1971 film, Dirty Harry?
6. What starring role did film stars Robert Redford, Steve McQueen, and Paul Newman all turn down, despite a contract offer of $4 million?
7. Who dubbed Lauren Bacall’s singing voice in the movie To Have and Have Not, her screen debut and first pairing with future husband Humphrey Bogart?
8. Who said, " If I had as many love affairs as you have given me credit for, I would now be speaking to you from a jar in the Harvard Medical School"?
9. What was the name of the stray alley cat adopted by Holly Golightly, portrayed by Audrey Hepburn, in the 1961 movie, Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
10. What was the first name of Lt. Bullitt, the down-and-dirty San Francisco detective portrayed by Steve McQueen in the 1968 hit movie, Bullitt?
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I managed to score a six this time around and actually surprised myself a little. On a good day these could be considered difficult questions. The answers will be posted tomorrow and good luck.
I like many others have been married and divorced. It’s truly a painful process but with just about fifty percent of marriages doomed to failure it’s an experience millions of people must deal with. Unfortunately the collateral damage from a divorce extends to the children. It’s difficult to find many children who aren’t touched by divorce in some fashion or another these days.
As sympathetic as I am to their plight, I actually think that keeping a marriage together for the children is a mistake. Having them be a witness to the down and dirty fighting between their parents and then further manipulation by both parents for custody rights is the worst. Those kind of scars last a lifetime.
Kids are much more resilient than adults think and can adapt to changing circumstances fairly quickly. The following children were asked to speak on the subject of marriage. As always kids speak their mind in a clear and concise manner regardless of the subject.
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How do you decide who to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. – Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. – Kirsten, age 10
What is the best age to marry?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. – Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. – Freddie, age 6
How can you tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. – Derrick, age 8
What do your Mom and Dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids. – Lori, age 8
What do people do on dates?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. – Linette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. – Martin, age 10
What would you do on a bad first date?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. – Craig, age 9
When is it OK to kiss someone?
When they’re rich. – Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8
Is it better to be single?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. – Theodore, age 8
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. – Anita, age 9
How would the world be different if there was no marriages?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8
How would you make your marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. – Rick, age 10
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It’s always refreshing for me to read essays, stories, and remarks made by the kids. They’re able to cut through the BS and answer questions based on their bits and pieces of limited knowledge. It gives me hope for the future.
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