An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the entire two weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father. “Congratulations and welcome to the church!” said the priest. The priest then went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.” “Congratulations and welcome to the church,” said the priest. The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks”? “No Father, we weren’t able to go without sex for the full two weeks,” the young man replied sadly. “What happened?” inquired the priest. “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.” “You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcomed in our church,” stated the priest. “We know, “said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”
Limerick of the Day
A young mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number – give him a call!
Wisdom for the Day
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
“The meaning of good and bad . . . is simply helping or hurting.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
😁😁😁
Joke of the Day
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: Man: “What’s up with the jar?” Bartender: “Well you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, then you get all of the money.” Man: “What are the three tests?” Bartender: “Pay first. Those are the rules.” So, the guy gives him the $10 and the bartender adds it to the jar. Bartender: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole fifth of pepper tequila – the WHOLE thing all at once. Second, there’s a pit-bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Thirdly, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You’ve got to make things right for her too.” Man: “Well, I know I’ve paid my ten bucks I’m not an idiot. I won’t do it. You’d have to be nuts to drink a fifth of tequila and then get crazier from there.” Bartender: “Okay. But your money stays in the jar.” Well, as the night goes on and the man drinks a few more, he asks: “Wherez zat teeqeela”? He grabs the tequila with both hands and downs it with one big slurp, tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside the bar here a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventual silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “NOW,” he says, “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?
🍀🍀🍀
Limerick of the Day
For sculpture that’s really first-class,
You need form, composition and mass.
To do a good Venus,
Just leave off the penis,
And concentrate more on the ass!
😂😂😂
Joke of the Day #2
A rather stupid young girl called up her druggist and ask him what she could do to help her boyfriend with his terrible dandruff problem. The druggist recommended Head & Shoulders. A week later the young lady called the druggist in a panic and asked, “How do you give someone shoulders”?
😔😔😔
EXPERIENCE ENABLES YOU TO RECOGNIZE A MISTAKE WHEN YOU MAKE IT AGAIN
Two women friends had gone out for a girl’s night out and had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a very expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin them but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a nearby wreath on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman’s husband called the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties”. “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station; we’ll never forget you!'”
😳😳😳
Limerick of the Day
Said Miss Farrow, on one of her larks,
“Sex is more fun in bed than in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn’t freeze,
And passers-by don’t make remarks.”
😉😉😉
WOKE Joke of the Day
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A trans-sister.
Comment: WOKE folks are the real jokes.
😵💫😵💫😵💫
THE MOST WONDERFUL INSPIRATIONS DIE WITH THEIR SUBJECT
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual pleasantries she began to undress for the day’s work. He told her not to bother because he was feeling pretty bad with the flu he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home, he only wanted some hot tea and then to get some rest in bed. The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.” He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my God!” he whispered loudly. “It’s my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off.”
Joke of the Day #2
A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical examination. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow-up visit the doctor talked to the old man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The old man replied, “Just doing what you said, doctor: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur and be careful.”
🤣🤣🤣
Limerick of the Day
A worried young man from Istanbul
Discovered large red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool”
😙😙😙
What’s Grosser Than Gross
When a cheerleader jumps high into the air and lands in a split.
“Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes
fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough, (2) Too much.”
Ann Landers 1968
Joke of the Day
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh, my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out of the window. It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” She replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So, the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the other runners, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could, but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity jogged a bit closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes,” our friend answered thinking quickly.” That way I can get dressed right of the end of the race and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope . . . only when it’s raining.”
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view.
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.
Daily Wisdom
Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
An Anonymous Non-PETA Contributor
&
“The right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.”
I have always been proud of my sense of humor, and I look for that trait in people I associate with. It was always one of the first things I looked for when dating as well and it never failed me. I think in the future this blog will contain much more humor meaning of course a bit of “off color” funniness. Humor that isn’t tweaked by double entendres is “boring funny” and I find that totally unacceptable. I fully intend to load this blog with non-boring humor as often as possible starting today. Here goes nothing . . .
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his shirt pocket and then asks for second beer. After drinking that one he again looks in his shirt pocket and asks for a third beer. This happens about seven more times before the bartender finally asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” “The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good enough, I’ll be heading on home.”
Little Johnny is walking past his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out loudly, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket next to her. “Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do, “he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?” The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man thought for moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz.?”
While many of my postings contain humor, I also feel required to add a few additional lines of beautiful poetry better known as a limerick. I always prefer ones that are a bit off-color whenever possible.
I’ve made mention many times that I’m a lover of history. Being an American I’m doubly interested in the history of this country and all of the good things and bad things that it’s done in order to exist in its present form. Today’s post will be a few facts of American history that I am reasonably sure not many of you are aware of. Let’s see if I can surprise you a little.
The name “United States of America” was coined by a man who lived the last years of his life in disrepute and who’s bodily remains eventually were lost. I’m talking about Thomas Payne. Payne lived his first 37 years in London, mostly in poverty, and only a fluke meeting in London with Benjamin Franklin encouraged his move to America. Later, in 1776, he wrote his popular and famous revolutionary tract, Common Sense.
Robert R. Livingston and James Munroe sailed to Paris for the sole purpose of buying a small piece of French held land in the West near New Orleans and for expanding waterway traffic. They ended up buying half a billion acres of wilderness called the Louisiana Purchase.
In the United States only 80 miles separate the highest point of land in the lower forty-eight states and the lowest point. Mount Whitney on the eastern border of Sequoia National Park in California is 14,496 feet high, and a pool called Badwater in Death Valley is 280 feet below sea level.
Morocco was the first country to recognize the United States of America (1789).
Beginning in 1882, immigrants had to pay to enter the United States. A tax of $.50 per person was imposed that year; it was increased to two dollars in 1903 and then again to four dollars in 1907.
The official manual of the Internal Revenue Service of the United States and is an agglomeration of 38,000 pages. It has been appropriately described as ” the world’s most confusing publication.”
When the United States was just 60 years old in 1836, Narciso Prentiss Whitman and Eliza Heart Spalding were perhaps the first women to cross the continent. They reached Oregon that year in a party organized by the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missionaries. The success of the expedition stimulated emigration to the territories in the Northwest.
The United States Automobile Association was formed in 1905 for the express purpose of providing “scouts” who could warn motorists of hidden “police traps.”
The population of New Hampshire increased only 8.3% between the start of the War of Independence and the 1970 census. In the same 194 years, the total population of the original 13 states, which included New Hampshire, increased from 2,616,000 (estimated) to just under 75 million – a gain of 2767%.
The first automobile to cross the United States took 52 days in 1903, to go from San Francisco to New York.
As anyone who reads this blog knows I love limericks. I love the mild ones written by kids and for kids, the medium ones for many of the limerick loving adults who shy away from many of the naughtier limericks, and occasionally I get in the mood to post something a little raunchier. My favorite limerick writer has always been Isaac Azimov but one of his close friends deserved an honorable mention today. That friend was John Ciardi who for 16 years was the poetry editor for the Saturday Review and his translation of The Divine Comedy is still considered a classic. Sadly, he passed away in 1986 but his works and love of limericks lives on. Enjoy.
I have upon occasion been called a sarcastic smartass. Truth be told, I’ve been called that on many occasions by many people and I wear that mantle with pride. It probably will explain this post that concerns two of my all-time favorite people, Oscar Wilde and Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), two of the most famous smartasses in the world. History calls them humorists, rascals, and intellectuals but that’s just history being kind. They took biting humor and sarcasm to new levels and did it in such a way as to make people love and respect them. Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about that. Here’s a little personal information on Oscar with a collection of his quotes.
Oscar Fingal O’Flaherty Wills Wilde (16 October 1854 – 30 November 1900) was an Irish poet and playwright. After writing in different forms throughout the 1880s, he became one of the most popular playwrights in London in the early 1890s.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
“If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”
“It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.”
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”
Now for a little taste of Mark Twain. He was a good old down-home boy who had the ability to make politicians shiver in their boots and the rest of us to laugh at his humorous way of seeing things.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), best known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer. He was praised as the “greatest humorist the United States has produced”. Here a a few pearls of wisdom from Mark.
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”
“A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”
Back in my college days when I thought I knew everything but really didn’t, I had a professor once ask me what person living or dead would I like to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with. I can’t remember my answer but I’m sure it was stupid and meaningless because at that time I was totally clueless. If I could communicate with him now these two gentlemen would be my first and second choices. Better yet, I’d love to have them both sitting with me in a corner of a dark quiet pub sharing a bottle of brandy or bourbon and puffing on a cigar to discuss the state of the world or anything else they’d like to tell me.
Here’s a collection of really stupid headlines I rediscovered recently in my files. It still amazes me how much stuff I forgot I was saving for a rainy day. The more I dig around the more I seem to find. You can thank all of our many educated and skilled editors for their fine jobs in editing these gems.
Amphibious Pitcher Makes Debut
Forecasters Call for Weather on Monday
War Dims Hope for Peace
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off After Age 25
“Lady Jacks” Off to Hot Start in Their Conference
Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison
City Unsure Why Sewers Smell
17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
Safety Meeting Ends in Accident
Best Man Left Bleeding After Being Hit by Flying Dildo
everyuselessthing.com 