Thinking outside the box is a rarity these days. Some people do it automatically in everything they do and are called, weird, odd, strange and a host of other not so nice descriptions. Unfortunately the great majority of people that are truly out-there are artists and creative types. In order to create something that people will pay attention to you must be out-there. I’ve been lucky enough to be labeled out-there since I was seven or eight years old by my parents and friends alike. That to me has always been a badge of honor and always will be.
People continuously use the word weird for those of us who are strange, little off center, or just plain different in our way of thinking. I’ve been called much worse by many people over the years due to my unusual approach to the art I create. I understand that some people are offended by that description but I never was. I’m a firm believer that if you walk by any of my projects and didn’t stop for a second look, I wasn’t getting the job done.
Many years ago I created a piece called “Death Penalty”, and it was displayed in a museum art show. To my great surprise it actually won an Honorable Mention award from the judges. I created a miniature electric chair with all the bells and whistles of a real one. It sat upon a base covered in a collage of death penalty photos and newspaper articles which made quite the graphic statement about the death penalty, both pro and con.
I stood on a raised stage nearby drinking coffee and watching the main floor of the exhibit. People were milling around but I was more interested in those looking at my piece. It drew quite a crowd and a lot of discussions were occurring. I mingled among the crowd anonymously listening to comments and the numerous and varied conversations. The consensus of opinion was that the artist was a little weird and totally off-the-wall. I was absolutely thrilled. That meant even more to me than the Honorable Mention award. I was later approached by the father of a young Goth girl who attempted to buy the chair for her Christmas present. I didn’t have the heart to sell it and I kept that chair for many years before it eventually fell apart during one of my many moves. I’ve always had a hard time selling my art after putting so much effort into producing it. It’s like losing a child.
Now let’s drop back few decades to my days in college. I was inspired by a fellow student after being requested to do some sort of display that would sell a fictional product. This was a commercial art class and a required subject which I truly detested. I thought it was too blatantly commercial and I complained to everyone. A fellow student on the day of the final review took me aside and said “your taking this stuff way too seriously”. He took me into another room and under a sheet on the table showed me his final project. He’d set up a place-setting with a knife, fork, spoon, lacy napkins, and a half filled bottle of Coke. Directly behind the place-setting was a a faux campfire. Over this fire he’d placed a headless baby doll on a spit. He spray painted the doll with a reddish paint to make it look roasted. I was a little shocked at first until he uncovered the last part of his project. He pulled the the sheet away to show me a large, round, red, Coca-Cola sign. It simply stated “Things Go Better With Coke”. I was blown away and thrilled to have met someone who was truly out-there. All these years later I still remember him, the piece, and the attitude it took to make it. I also remember that he got an “A” on the project and I didn’t. I’m carrying on his philosophy as best I can to this day.
If you’re a creative type and I hope you are, don’t let people put you in a box. It’s been my experience that the further out-of-the-box you can take yourself the better your work will be. There are way too many people spending way too much time being critical of virtually everything. To be an artist, poet, or writer is to put your creations “out there” for public viewing. It’s the most rewarding risk you can take.
Well, I had a great night’s sleep last night for a change. It’s not often I get more than eight hours and it was glorious. Now I’m enjoying a quiet morning which gives me time to think and reflect on my eventful life. I have a number of people who I think of often and enjoy remembering on this blog and most of them stay with me because I have a personal connection of some type with them. Whether their entertainers, celebrities, or just plain folks.
For many years I made the drive from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to Boston after visiting family. Part of that trip required me to be traveling southbound on Interstate 81 in Pennsylvania just outside of Scranton. I suddenly realized “It was just after dark when my car started down the hill that leads into Scranton Pennsylvania”. This quote is my interpretation of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs written and performed by one of my favorite singers, Harry Chapin. I wasn’t hauling 30,000 pounds of bananas but it felt like I should have been.
I’ve been a fan of Chapin’s since the late 1960’s, after attending two of his live performances while in college, and I’ve been listening to his music ever since. He was charismatic and had the ability to capture his audience’s attention completely. His songs were based on actual experiences as he traveled around the country and were poignant to the extreme. He was much like the minstrel’s of the Middle Ages, traveling from town to town, learning new stories, and putting them to song. His performances were an absolute pleasure for those of us lucky enough to attend them.
Harry Chapin died young, on July 16, 1981, near exit 40 on the Long Island Expressway. He lost control of his car, slid into the other lane, and was crushed by a tractor-trailer. He never had a chance. I’m old enough to have been around to experience the “Day the Music Died”, when Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Richie Valens were killed. As upset as I was on that day, Chapin’s death affected me even more. Anyone who ever was lucky enough to experience him in a live performance felt as though they’d made a new close friend. We fans mourned his loss deeply then and every day since.
His epitaph Is taken from his song ” I Wonder What Would Happen to This World”.
Oh if a man tried
To take his time on earth
andImproved before he died
What one man’s life could be worth
I wonder what would happen
To this world
And that’s how I spent a few hours a few days ago, listening to live recordings of some of his concerts and thinking about good old Harry. It’s always a wonderful interlude for me and I intend to repeat it as often as possible. If you have a opportunity to buy any of his music, do so, you won’t be sorry. My personal recommendation is the CD, “Greatest Stories Live”.
I was cleaning out some old boxes a few days ago attempting to rid my residence of old junk and a host of bad memories. These boxes contained books, papers, and other assorted BS from the absolute worst employment experience of my life. It was two years of hell on earth for me and went a long way to making me the cynical and pragmatic SOB I’ve become. This is why I have such a dislike for political correctness. I became a victim of it working with this company and it’s employees.
Most people don’t like to name names when talking about their past bad experiences but I have no qualms about doing it. Many of you have never heard of the Hechinger Corporation and I’m happy to let you know they no longer exist. It was a small family-run hardware business that had grown to many hundreds of small stores across the country. The company philosophy, as directed by the Hechinger family, seemed more interested in liberal causes and making political contributions than actually making money.
I’m getting off my main point. Political correctness has always been in my crosshairs since the day this blog was started. I don’t spend time complaining about it just for giggles. Experiencing it firsthand is not fun and not something I would wish on my worst enemy (well maybe on my worst enemy). It’s a very dangerous tool when used by people who care more about being PC than anything else. I was one of the unlucky few management members from a very dynamic company that they’d purchased who survived the personnel slaughter. The Hechinger brainwashing machine kicked in almost immediately and I was sent to a steady stream of team-building seminars, personality testing, and spent hundreds of hours getting my head filled with their liberal politically correct BS.
For over a year they attempted to change my approach to my job and how I did business. I wasn’t about to change because I’d been very successful for years at what I did and they had not. They kept the pressure on me with all of their PC crap until I simply lost it. It was the day I was to receive my first evaluation from my new bosses. I stood up from behind the table and told them in no uncertain terms that I thought they didn’t know what they were doing. I begged them to just fire me. Being the PC idiots that they were they spent the next hour trying to convince me that I should calm down and relax. I ranted and raved for a while and again begged them to fire me. They wouldn’t do it and abruptly ended the evaluation session. I think they felt they could still save me and convert me to their way of thinking.
The next day I was given a better-than-average evaluation, a decent raise, and sent on my way back to New England. Any good businessman will tell you that if an employee begs to be fired, just do it. I was let go a few months later after they destroyed the company and it went out of business. That’s why I continuously bitch and complain about PC issues. If the minor issues are ignored by intelligent thinking people more will likely follow.
So as I’m delivering these books and papers to the trash can what falls out at my feet but a book I hoped never to see again. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. He was God Almighty to the Hechinger Corporation and they beat me over the head for more than a year with his book. If I never hear the term “paradigm” again it will be too damn soon. Did you hear that loud “THUD?” That was Covey’s book hitting the trash can.
Eight years ago during one of my funky moods I posted a list of 100 things that I hated. All these years later I stumbled on that list and decided it might be worth updating since so many things have happened to change my way of thinking. It would take more brainpower than I have to come up with 100 things that I hate these days because in fact I really hate nothing. But as you well know I’m certainly irritated and annoyed by a hell of a lot of things. I decided to go through my list of 100 step-by-step, taking my time, and reducing that list to just 50.
My first list included many things that were meant to be humorous but I think now I’ll be a little more truthful with myself about the 50 things that annoy or irritate me. Becoming a senior citizen changes a persons perspective on many things never before thought of. I’m now at the point in my life where I can say whatever the hell I want about anything. Make your own list and then match it to mine just to see how far apart we are or aren’t. Here comes the list . . .
Stupid people, dirty fingernails, criminals, backward baseball caps, large groups of people, dumb cashiers, stinky feet, bugs crawling on me, hospitals, Oprah Winfrey, Will Ferrell, women missing teeth, political correctness, liberals, drug users, stinky cheese, Jehovah witnesses, anti-vaxers, vegans, ass kissers, waiting in line, stinky breath, illegal aliens, ugly feet, noisy radios, crowded elevators, screaming brats, texting while driving, saggy pants, granny panties, penis caught in zipper, tailgaters, body odor, ex-wives, nosy people, boogers, clowns, wet farts, bums, night farts, unibrow women, Rosie O’Donnell, performing artists, smell of urine, hairy nipples, yellow nail polish, liars, corpses, jeans with holes, and of course all salesmen.
Believe me it took a lot of mental effort to eliminate 50 from my original list. Many of the ones eliminated just weren’t pertinent any longer and I’m glad I finally was able to trim the list down. Also as you can see by the title of this posting they are no longer things that I hate, just things that are currently major irritants. As you’ll notice, only a few things refer to the pandemic but that could quickly change in the near future.
It seems that everyone finds a great deal of humor in the smells and sounds of human bodily functions. I’m not exactly sure why it’s so damn funny but it really is. Anyone who tells me that they don’t see the humor in it is either lying or absolutely clueless.
It all started for me as a small child. Early on my father taught me the real meaning of the term “smell my finger” and believe me it’s a lesson not soon forgotten. Another of his favorites was “pull my finger” which normally resulted in a loud, disgusting, and eye watering fart. My dad wasn’t the least bit shy and would even pull stunts on my friends who were visiting. At first it was embarrassing but I soon learned to appreciate the humor as long as he was doing his thing to someone else.
Every young boy I knew took pleasure in grossing out their friends at every opportunity. School bus farting contests were our favorite because it involved grossing out the girls as well as the bus driver. We couldn’t pass that up.
Another practice was to burp as loudly as you could during a quiet study hall and then place the blame on someone else. My friend Dick had an almost supernatural ability to burp and throw his voice like a ventriloquist. He’d make a cute girl nearby turn cherry red when everyone thought she was the culprit. I hate to admit it but it was an uncanny talent that he used often and well into adulthood.
Church was the best place to maximize our unusual talents. All those prim and proper parents with their well behaved children being oh so pious. Nothing would crack us up like two rows of God-fearing Catholics smelling an SBD (Silent But Deadly) that was so bad it would curl their nose hairs. You have to realize how much acting talent and restraint it takes to appear shocked and disgusted and still be laughing like crazy on the inside. It actually made church bearable for those of us who were only there for the fun.
The other church related scene was in the confessional during confession. It did my heart good to confess my sins, say an Act of Contrition, and then leave a nasty smelling fart for the next sinner and secondarily grossing out the priest as well. Aren’t old memories the best?
I suppose you’re wondering what prompted this entire conversation. Well I was in Walgreens recently, masked as usual and minding my own business while shopping. As I walked into the rear of the store in a back corner I passed two young ladies who couldn’t have been more than 13 years old. They were laughing and giggling as most young kids do and were just as cute as a button. It was only a few seconds later I discovered why they were laughing so hard. I walked into a cloud of the worst smelling methane in history. I normally have a strong stomach but this was almost more than I can handle. I stood there trying to catch my breath while they stood nearby laughing hysterically. They ran off giggling all the way while I took a moment or two to regain my composure. Karmic paybacks really are a bitch. That damn mask might stop Covid-19 but not farts like these.
A few months back I was sent an e-mail by a longtime friend who just happens to be female. She’s been reading this blog for a very long time and felt it necessary to tell me that she thought I was blatantly ignoring women’s issues. I vociferously disagreed but to no avail as usual. As always, arguing with a female no matter what the subject remains a fruitless endeavor. So, in response to her questionable claims I’m publishing the following. As it’s always been said “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it”. Here we go . . . .
ODE TO BREASTS
(o)(o) Perfect Breasts
( + )( + ) Fake Silicon Breasts
(*)(*) High Nipple Breasts
(@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts
oo A-Cups
{ O }{ O } D-Cups
(oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold Breasts
(O)(o) Lopsided Breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassel Breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma Breasts
( – )( – ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts
IoIIoI Android Breasts
( $ )( $ ) Jenny McCarthy Breasts
( o )( o ) Stripper Breasts
x x Flat Chested Breasts
And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman,” Is there anything you’d like to have changed?” She replied,” Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,” What can be done with this useless boob?”. . . .
I loved George Carlin and coming from me that is one of his greatest achievements. His comedy, except for his political views, was to me the best I’ve ever heard. Richard Pryor was right up there with him but to me Carlin was the epitome of what comics should be. His writings were just as good as his standup routine and they made you think. His English language wordplay was unbelievable and remains unmatched in my opinion to this day. He was also a better than average actor and I especially enjoyed his work in Jersey Girl from 2004. Along the way he won damn near every award possible for his work and it was richly deserved. One of his greatest moments to me was when he released his seven dirty words you couldn’t say on television. Here’s the short version of that historic event.
“I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that idea that I uh, I think is important. I loveā¦ as I say, they’re my work, they’re my play, they’re my passion. Words are all we have really. And the forbidden words, you know the seven don’t you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tit’s, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.“
Just to show you how the times are changing I’ll tell you a quick short story. A number of months back just prior to the start of the pandemic I was sitting in our local mall in one of those half-assed living room areas where husbands can wait for their wives. A large group of teens arrived and surrounded me as they chatted away about the new iPad one of them had purchased. I sat there for no more than ten minutes and overheard six of the seven famous Carlin words. He was right, we can’t say them on TV, but you’ll sure hear them said everywhere else.
everyuselessthing.com 