I finally rolled out of bed today and headed directly for the coffee maker. I found the badly needed coffee and also a small surprise. My better-half left me a very old kid’s book filled with fun questions and answers circa 1957. Let’s start your weekend with a laugh or two.
- What dog cannot bark? Answer: The basenji. It makes sharp little cries that sound like yodeling.
- What bird can whistle with its wings? Answer: The hornbill. Its wings make a sharp whistling sound when it flies.
- What bird has no wings or tail? Answer: The Kiwi.
- How much would a 150-pound man weigh on the moon? Answer: Approximately 25 pounds.
- Where are the largest coins in the world used? Answer: On the Pacific Island of Yap. They are made of stone and measure from 2-12 feet across.
- Is it possible to step across the Mississippi River? Answer: Yes, near Lake Itasca, Minnesota.
- Is all asparagus edible? Answer: No, only the common garden variety.
- What animal picks fruit from trees with its tail? Answer: The kinkajou.
- What is a guanaco? Answer: It is a wild llama from South America.
- How much raw material would be needed to obtain one pound of radium? Answer: No less than 2,680 tons.
Thanks to my better-half and the Giant Little Golden Book – QUIZ FUN. I’m fairly certain that the kid books these days aren’t quite as informative.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
Over the years I spent a great deal of time roaming through graveyards in New England and elsewhere. I’ve always found them to be very quiet and calming. I also discovered that the older the tombstones the more interesting are the epithets. Here are a few you might get a kick out of.
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
😵😵😵
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent to them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
😵😵😵
Here lies my husbands, One, Two, Three,
Dumb as men could ever be.
As for my fourth, well, praise be God,
He bides for a little longer above the sod.
Alex, Ben, and Sandy were the first three names,
And to make things tidy I’ll add his – James.
😵😵😵
Here lies the body of fat May Preston
Who’s now moved to heaven
To relieve the congestion.
T.G.I.F.F.
Let’s put an end to this week with a few cute and clean limericks. While most of us really enjoy the racier limericks there are many readers out there who enjoy a tamer version. Here we go . . .
There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket, Nantucket.
😜😜😜
The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
They quarreled I’m told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
😃😃😃
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee.”
“Let us fly,” said the flea.
So, they flew through a flaw in the flue.
😗😗😗
There once were two cats of Kilkenny,
Each thought there was one cat too many.
So, they fought, and they fit,
And they scratched and they bit,
Till instead of two cats there weren’t any.
😂😂😂
TGIF
I know how addicted our society is to celebrities and all of their odd comings and goings and I have yet to truly understand it. So, in the spirit of “giving the people what they want”, here are a few celebrity tidbits of information you may not have heard.
- Uma Thurman’s father was the first American to be ordained a Buddhist monk.
- Ben Affleck’s reformed alcoholic father, Tim, became Robert Downey Junior’s drug counselor.
- The fathers of Robert Duvall and Jim Morrison were admirals in the U.S. Navy, while Kris Kristofferson’s father was a US Air Force general.
- When Michael Caine was a child, his mother pasted his ears to his head to stop them from sticking out.
- David Schwimmer’s mother is the attorney who handled Roseann Barr’s first divorce.
- The mothers of Oscar Wilde, Peter O’Toole, Ernest Hemingway, General Douglas MacArthur, Bill Tilden and Franklin D Roosevelt dressed their sons as girls for the first few years of their lives.
- Uma Thurman’s mother had been married to Timothy Leary of LSD fame before marrying Uma’s father.
- The fathers of Judy Garland, Jacqueline Onassis, Liza Minnelli, and Anne Heche were all gay.
- Rachel Weisz’s father invented the artificial respirator.
- Julianna Margulies’s father wrote the “Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz” jingle for Alka-Seltzer.
I hope all you celebrity lovers out there enjoying these little factoids. There’s many more that I’ll share with you over the coming weeks and months.
HAPPY HUMP DAY
Unfortunately, the word “Greed” is used to describe our country by many foreigners and also from many of our own citizens. I can’t say that I disagree because in too many cases it’s absolutely true. “Money is the root of all evil” immediately comes to mind when I hear that word. It’s not something we should be proud of but “It is what it is.” I thought today I would examine the statements made by an assortment of well-off persons who are well enough known to be quoted in publications. For those of you out there who are not rich let me inform you.
- “People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.” Peter Sellers
- “Time is money.” Ben Franklin
- “Money isn’t everything as long as you have enough.” Malcolm Forbes
- “It isn’t enough for you to love money – it’s also necessary that money should love you”. Baron James D Rothschild
- “If I had my life to live over again, I’d be a $30 a week librarian.” Andrew Carnegie
🤑🤑🤑
- “In some ways, a millionaire just can’t win. If he spends too freely, he is criticized for being extravagant and ostentatious. If, on the other hand, he lives quietly and thriftily, the same people who would have criticized him for being profligate will call him a miser.” J. Paul Getty
- “There is always the question. You wonder if people like you for you or the inevitable disturbing question: Are they after something?” Mary Leah Johnson (heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune)
- “The best reason to read about the very rich, of course, is to be reassured that money cannot buy happiness and indeed, often seems to buy trouble.” Maureen Dowd
- “As a cousin of mine once said about money, money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.” Gertrude Stein
- “Money talks. The more money, the louder it talks.” Arnold Rothstein
One final thought, a quote from my late down-to-earth father concerning money. It’s as true today as it was fifty years ago when I first heard him say it:
“MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS!”
As I’ve stated many times before I’m not a fan of any organized religion. I’ve given my reasons for feeling that way many times and won’t bore you with the details again. It seems that I’m not totally alone in those feelings as reflected by the following statements made by people of note. Read on!
- “A Christian is one who follows the teaching of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.” Ambrose Bierce
- “I don’t believe in God because I don’t believe in Mother Goose.” Clarence Darrow
- “Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.” Lenny Bruce
- “So far as religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake – Religion is bunk.” Thomas Edison
- “When a man is free of religion, has a better chance to live a normal and wholesome life.” Sigmund Freud
- “The Bible is nothing, but a succession of civil rights struggles by the Jewish people against their oppressors.” Jesse Jackson
- “I do believe our Army chaplains, taken as a class, are the worst men we have in our service.” Abraham Lincoln
- “The Creator is a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.” H. L. Mencken
- “I think there is an immense shortage of Christian charity among so-called Christians.” Harry S Truman
- “The Catholic faith is confession on Saturday. Absolution on Sunday. At it again on Monday.” H.G. Wells
I’m not preaching with this post because that would be somewhat hypocritical. It’s just nice to hear from others who agree with my beliefs. Too many Christians have been less than kind in their criticisms of my opinions on religion. Here’s my quote for today.
“Have a great week and best wishes from a “Recovering Catholic”.
Yesterday’s posting involved bad poetry so today I’ll be moving on to a few usual truths. If you’re lucky you might win a few bar bets using these tidbits of trivia. If you only win one drink, then your efforts in reading this post will have been worth it.
- The custom of men buttoning their clothes from the right and women from the left comes from the fact that men traditionally dressed themselves and were typically right-handed. Women were more often addressed by maids, who preferred to work from their right – the wearer’s left.
- The phrase “last laugh” is derived from the laugh-like sound a bullet shot through the heart sometimes causes an innocent victim to make before death.
- You can form the number 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321 by multiplying 111, 111, 111 by 111, 111, 111.
- The “WD” in WD-40 stands for Water Displacement. The “40” came about because it took the creators that many attempts to get the formula correct.
- According to Hollywood lore, silent film actress Norma Talmage started the tradition of stars putting their footprints in the cement at Grauman’s Chinese Theater when she accidentally stumbled onto the freshly laid sidewalk in front of it in 1927.
- Pepsi-Cola was the first foreign consumer product sold in the former Soviet Union.
- Kissing was once a crime in England. In the mid-1400s, King Henry VI declared it was a disease spreader.
- The San Andreas Fault is slipping about 2 inches per year, which means that Los Angeles will be a suburb of San Francisco in 15 million years.
- The shortest reign of a Portuguese king was 20 minutes. When the royal family was ambushed in February 1908, the king died immediately and his heir, Luis Filipe, died 20 minutes later.
- On Christopher Columbus’s fourth voyage to the New World, he saved the lives of his crew by convincing Jamaican natives that he made the moon disappear during a lunar eclipse in 1504.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.”
Napolean Bonaparte
After receiving a few interesting emails and poems on my recent “Feet” posting I decided to offer up some of my own Bad Poetry for your entertainment. In my opinion poetry is best when humorous.
I just saw a sexy painted red toe
Peeking at me from a nearby sandal.
It looked soooo damn cute
It was almost more than I could handle.
As it sauntered on by
Four other toes caught my eye.
Oh my! Oh my! I felt such a tingle
And followed along hoping the owner was single.
I raised my head a tiny little bit
To checkout that anonymous owner.
And all of a sudden, I unfortunately discovered
The loss of a perfectly good boner.
😃😂😄
Any day is a good day to be told the truth. How’s that for words to live by? Some of these topics will definitely pique your interest. Sometimes the weirder the facts the truer the statements. See what you think.
Let’s try some sports:
- The infamous Bill Buckner of Red Sox fame had more career hits and Ted Williams.
- During World War II, so many NFL players were fighting in the war that the rival Philadelphia Eagles and Pittsburgh Steelers temporarily teamed up to form the “Steagles”
- Walter Payton once threw a touchdown pass, caught a touchdown pass, and ran for a touchdown in the same game.
- Legend has it that Hall of Fame baseball player Wade Boggs once drank 107 beers in one day while traveling with the team.
- The only team to score 3 touchdowns in under 1 min. in the NFL is the New England Patriots. And they’ve done it twice.
Now for little sci-fi:
- It takes 200 million years for the sun to make one orbit around the galactic center.
- In order for the earth to become a black hole, its entire mass would have to be compressed into a space less than an inch in diameter.
- The sun makes up over 99% of the solar system’s entire mass.
- Venus spends backwards and no one knows why!
- Every planet in the solar system could fit in the space between Earth and the moon. Even if you count Pluto.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
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