Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
- Handsome
- Works Out Regularly
- Charming
- Financially Successful
- A Caring Listener
- An Imaginative and Romantic Lover
30’s
- Nice Looking
- Listens More Than Talks
- Smells Good
- Carries Groceries With Ease
- Owns at Least One Tie
- Requires Sex Once a Week
40’s
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Not Too Ugly – Bald OK
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Doesn’t Smell Too Bad
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Usually Wears a Shirt to Cover His Stomach
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Remembers to Put the Toilet Lid Down
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Shaves on Most Weekends
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Requires Sex Once a Month
50’s
- Keeps Hair in Nose and Ears Trimmed
- Doesn’t Belch or Scratch in Public
- Doesn’t Nod Off While I’m Talking
- Remembers My Name
- Shaves on Some Weekends
- Requires Sex Once a Quarter
60’s
- Remembers Where the Bathroom Is
- Can Stand By Himself
- Usually Wears Some Clothes
- Social Security Eligible
- Remembers Where He Left His Teeth
- Vaguely Remembers Sex
70’s
- Collecting Social Security
- Can Still Drive
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
I think I’m finally returning to my calm and normal self after the last two days of whining and complaining about every useless thing that was bothering me. It appeared to be a combination of finally finishing a difficult job I’d worried about for many weeks and the normal let down after the fact. Leave it up to my better-half to figure out a perfect solution.
She returned home from work in early afternoon and immediately advised me to clean up because we we going out for a Dutch Treat dinner. How could I possibly complain about that? Regardless of what you might think I clean up pretty good and it wasn’t long before I was ready for my night on the town. My chauffeur pulled up in her car and off we went.
We have a number of restaurants we frequent but for me it’s all about the food. If the food is good I can eat it sitting in the middle of a junk yard and still be happy. I worked for many years throughout the south and became hooked on that good old down home southern food that their so famous for. Catfish, collard greens, black eyed peas, somehow climbed to the top of my favorite foods list. No matter what northern restaurant chains claim their attempts to cook authentic southern cuisine is usually pitiful.
My all-time favorite southern dish is country fried chicken with that unbelievable white gravy and biscuits. One of our regular restaurants has a chef who must have been born down south and stolen his grandmother’s favorite recipes. That’s where my better-half planned our dinner and I wasn’t disappointed. The chicken was cooked perfectly and the biscuits and gravy were even better. Throw in a serving of coleslaw and a side of mashed red potatoes with just a hint or garlic and you’ve arrived in heaven. I pigged out and cleaned my plate like a freaking vacuum cleaner. I was fat and sassy as I downed an excellent gin and tonic to complete things.
My better-half was busy texting for few minutes and when she finished I was advised we’d be meeting some friends at another local establishment for a nightcap or two. She actually paid the bill, left a good tip, and we were off. We arrived at a place that is part sports bar, part restaurant, and part beach hangout in the summer. They were so busy it seemed a little like a hot summer evening with the place packed with beach people. I said that jokingly because it’s really April in Maine and cold as hell. Our friends arrived just as we finally were seated in our booth and we had a few drinks and a lot of laughs. My sober designated driver delivered me safely home at a reasonable hour to end a perfect night.
The night didn’t last much longer because the better-half had a 4am wake-up call. Fortunately she has a vacation week scheduled next week due to the anticipated arrival or her oldest son from LA. He’s in for a three day visit and that should keep her hopping and occupied for the entire week. Since next week is sure to a hectic one I plan on enjoying this weekend as much as humanly possible.
It’s been twelve hours since that great meal and I’m still tasting those garlic potatoes. Can’t wait to do it again.
It’s time once again for this blog to live up to it’s name. Another installment of totally useless information collected during a global search for just about anything that’s even a little bit interesting. I feel that everyone should have a few trivia items that aren’t commonly known to help amaze their friends and possibly win a bar bet or two. Spring is arriving and we need to lighten things up a little so here we go.
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The average housewife walks 10 miles a day around the house doing chores. She walks 4 miles and spends 25 hours a year making beds.
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President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other—simultaneously! Leonardo da Vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other, also simultaneously.
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Attila the Hun was a dwarf. Pepin the Short, Aesop, Gregory of Tours, Charles III of Naples, and the Pasha Hussain were all less than 3 and a half feet tall.
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Edgar Allan Poe and James Abbott McNeill Whistler both went to West Point.
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The Amazon River discharges 4.2 million cubic feet of water per second in the Atlantic Ocean.
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A rat can go without water longer than a camel can.
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Mr. Potato Head was the first toy advertised on television.
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An elephant may consume 500 pounds of hay and 60 gallons of water in a single day.
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Malaria mosquitos are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
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A fetus acquires fingerprints by the end of the first trimester.
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One million stray dogs and 500,000 stray cats live in New York City metropolitan area. There are about 100 million dogs and cats in the United States. Americans spend more than 5.5 billion on their pets each year. Every hour, 12,500 puppies are born in the US.
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In 2003, the personal fortune of writer J. K. Rowling of Harry Potter fame, surpassed that of the Queen of England.
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A 2005 survey by CareerBuilder.com, 43% of Americans called in sick when there was nothing wrong with them.
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The venom of the king cobra is so deadly that one gram of it can kill 150 people. Just to handle the substance can put one in coma.
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A whale’s heart beats only nine times a minute.
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A good milking cow will give nearly 6,000 quarts of milk every year.
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Under the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, leeches and maggots are categorized as medical devices.
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Male moose have antlers 7 feet across. The antlers often weigh 60 pounds.
You should be feeling extra smart right about now. Knowing these fact puts you in a category all your own. I didn’t say it was a good category but you’re definitely in it. You’re now an official trivia nerd and I guess congratulations are in order.
I received this test from a friend recently but wasn’t completely happy with the way it was formatted. I added a number of questions and kept the number of answer choices to just four instead of the five or six in the original version. Do you consider yourself a true “Baby Boomer”? Here’s your chance to prove it. Get a paper and pencil handy to record your answers because if you’re a true “Boomer” you won’t be able to remember them anyway. Here are 25 relatively easy questions which you should be able to answer and which the younger generations may have some difficulty with. And no cheating!
1. What’s the quicker picker-upper?
A. Maxwell House Coffee
B. Bounty paper towels
C. United Airlines
D. None of the above.
2. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstone vitamins
B. Wonder Bread
C. Milk
D. Cod Liver Oil3. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Rudolph Valentino
C. Fabian
D. Cassius Clay
4. Look ma….. No cavities! A. Pepsodent
A. Pepsodent
B. Crest
C. Ipana
D. Johnson’s Tooth Powder
5. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…..
A. It’s you.
B. He is us.
C. He’s really me and you.
D. He surrendered.
6. Good night, David . . .
A. Good night, Chet
B. Good night, Irene
C. Good night, Gracie
D. Good night, Steve
7. You’ll wonder where the yellow went…
A. When you use Tide.
B. When you clean your tub.
C. If you buy a soft water tank.
D. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
8. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend…
A. Randy Goodman
B. Steve Reeves…
C. Maynard G. Krebs.
D. Corky B. Dorkus
9. Sometimes you feel like a nut — sometimes you don’t.
A. Snickers
B. Milky Way
C. Almond Joy & Mounds
D. $1000 Dollar Bar
10. Liar, liar…
A. On the wire.
B. Jump up higher.
C. Pants on fire.
D. Join the choir
11. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle
for truth, justice and….
A. Lois Lane.
B. World peace.
C. Red tights.
D. The American way.
12. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s Howdy Doody Time
C. It’s time for Romper Room
D. The Mighty Mouse Hour
13. Lions and tigers and bears..! …
A. Oh, no
B. Gee whiz
C. I’m scared
D. Oh my
14. It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!
A. Old Spice
B. Chiffon Margarine
C. Vitalis Hair Tonic
D. Top Brass
15. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone….
A. Over 40.
B. Wearing a uniform.
C. Over 30.
D. You don’t know.
16. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s pantyhose…
A. Kenny Stabler
B. Joe Namath
C. Roger Staubach
D. Steve Young
17. Brylcream…
A. Smear it on.
B. Tame that cowlick.
C. It’s a dream.
D. A little dab’ll do ya.
18. Where’s the beef?
A. Burger King
B. McDonalds
C. Jack in the Box
D. Wendy’s
19. I found my thrill…
A. In Blueberry muffins.
B. Down at the mill.
C. With a man named Bill.
D. On Blueberry Hill.
20. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by…
A. Mary Martin.
B. Doris Day.
C. Errol Flynn.
D. Sally Fields.
21. Name the Beatles…
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
C. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
D. John, Paul, George, Ringo
22. I wonder, wonder, who.
A. Was it you?
B. Who wrote the book of love?
C. Who I am?
D. Really loved you.
23. I’m strong to the finish…
A. Cause I eats my broccoli.
B. Cause I eats me spinach.
C. And don’t you forget it.
D. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.
24. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today.
A. Smile, you’re on Star Search.
B. Smile, we’re watching you.
C. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera.
D. Smile, you’re on TV.
25. What do M & M’s do?
A. Make your tummy happy.
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket..
C. Melt your heart.
D. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Well, how do you think you did? I’ll post all of the answers in the next day or so and you can check your scores. Not to brag but I answered correct on all but one question on my first try so I’m now an officially verified “Boomer”. Have fun with it.
It’s finally Christmas Day. I’m still lounging around in bed and I plan on staying here as long as humanly possible. We had a great holiday celebration last night and the kids and their new son are now on their way to northern Maine to celebrate with his family. Snow has started and I’m sure we can expect quite a few inches over the next two days. I hope they get there safely.
Last night was fun with really excellent food and great company. We drank liberally, ate shrimp until we couldn’t eat anymore, and even got in a few hands of cutthroat Hearts. I suffered an embarrassing alcohol induced loss that I’ll never hear the end of.
The new grandson behaved like a little angel. Except for a couple of feeding trips to Mom he slept the entire evening. I was strong-armed into wearing a ridiculous red Santa shirt with matching hat and was officially dubbed a member of the Santa Helper’s Brigade. It was the baby’s first Christmas and my first time being Santa. There were enough really embarrassing pictures taken with the baby to haunt me for years to come.
I have to say we all received everything we could have ever wanted and then some. I probably won’t have any meaningful conversations any time soon with my better-half since she’s huddled over in the corner taking sweetly and softly to her new IPad. Now she won’t give me so much grief about paying more attention to my IPad than to her.
It may take a better part of the day to clean up the wrapping debris that seems to be everywhere. We heard the cat a number of times through the night rummaging through wrapping paper and having a great old time. He even received a few gifts which he appears to like a lot. He now has two mechanical mice to chase through the house when he becomes bored with playing with us.
We’re both looking forward to a lazy day of relaxation and a really nice standing rib roast for our dinner this evening. All in all it was a great holiday and well worth the time spent in preparing for it.
We hope yours was the same.
We’re getting down to the wire with all of the preparations for our trip. Now that we’re ready to go I just want to get going. I’ve always been a huge pain in the butt as so many family members have told me because I tend get a bit impatient and it makes me make them crazy.
I’m wrapping the last of the gifts for my family members because I’d like to get them into the mail as soon as I can. I don’t like waiting too long because my faith in the US Postal Service isn’t what it once was.
There’s one thing that I do every year which makes a great gift for a few lucky family members. I started doing it three years ago and it might be something you’d like to try. I’ve been ordering customized postage stamps through stamps.com. You upload a photograph which they then print as stamps. It’s pretty cool, really easy to do, and everyone seems to love them. I’m not doing a promo or anything for them but I think it might be worth a quick look.
Today was a first for me. I went shopping for baby clothes. OMG who knew there were so many choices. It was only recently I discovered what a onesy is. Who knew? It also appears that infants grow faster than the clothes you initially bought for them. My better-half purchased a few outfits just after the grandson was born and he’s already out grown them and they’ve never been worn. His parents have been hinting about having another child within a year or two which makes regifting a real possibility. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope they have another son and that the outfits we purchased haven’t gone out of style.
I just was thinking how much fun playing with, talking about, and buying clothes for babies can be when they’re not yours. There’s a lot to be said for being a step-grandparent and being able to send them home with their parents after each visit. I suspect that will change in the near future when we become the get-away spot for him when he gets pissed at his parents or vice versa. Can’t wait. My grand mother was that person for me when I was growing up so I can appreciate every little kid having a place to go for some hugs and kisses and no scolding.
Well we’ve survived the big day. Our first evening of baby sitting for our newly arrived five week old grand baby. My better-half has slowly devolved from the position of my highly intelligent life partner to an excited and silly young mother in her twenties. I always knew she felt that her years of raising her three children were the best years she’d ever had but I really underestimated that. Her excitement started about a week prior to his visit and built, day-by-day, until she was practically bouncing off the walls.
She was scurrying around the house cleaning just about anything that didn’t move and some things that did, like the cat. She had to destroy all of those nasty germs and bugs before the babies arrival. It was fun to watch because she really hasn’t been this excited about much of anything in recent years, including yours truly. Am I feeling unloved? Not really, but I did feel myself slip one notch on her “people who really matter list”.
I’ve honestly never thought it was possible for anyone to get this excited by changing a smelly diaper or to giggle like a high schooler after being thrown up on. I watched it happen and was astounded by the change in her personality. She was in heaven.
She’s had fantasies for many years about things she wanted to do with her grand children and these two things were apparently high on that list. Another involved my repairing and refinishing an old rocking chair I found in the garage a few years ago. It just happened to be the very same rocker she used to rock her own children. Even though it was in terrible condition she adamantly refused to part with it. One of my Christmas gifts last year involved my rescue of that old chair. I repaired some pieces, I rebuild the springs and horse hair seat, I refinished the entire frame, and reupholstered the seat. It did my heart good to see her living out her fantasy when she sat down and rocked our new arrival in that old chair.
I don’t intent to get mushy about the whole deal but it was something I won’t ever forget. Our lives have again been altered with the addition of this young man to the family and I suspect we’ll all be the better for it. I hope his parents enjoyed their night out on the town and “Happy First Anniversary” to them both.
everyuselessthing.com 
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
30’s
40’s
50’s
60’s
70’s
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
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