Archive for the ‘short story’ Tag
Todays post contains a modest collection of ethnic Irish humor. The jokes are quite lame and unfortunately the limericks are quite tame. Since I have a few Irish ancestors hiding in my family tree, I feel obligated to share some of their humor with you. And not to ignore the obvious Irish traits and traditions, I’ll be drinking a glass of excellent Irish whiskey as I type this post. And before anyone asks . . . no, I don’t have red hair.
Lets start with a few one liners.
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- He was a terrible wreck and his trembling hands told the whole story. “Tell me,” asked his doctor, “do you drink much?” “Deed I don’t. Sure I spill most of it.”
- “That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply. “Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
- Then there was the Irish shopkeeper who said his eggs were so fresh the hens hadn’t missed them.
Here a a couple of true Irish limericks.
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A lovely young maiden of Kilglass,
Who wore intimate garments of brass.
Pat, one night on the porch,
With an acetylene torch,
Just melted her resistance, at last!
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A western young lady named Flynn,
Would tell of her plans with a grin,
“I intend to be bold,
In manner untold,
For there’s need of original sin.”
And last but not least, some pithy Irish sayings for your pleasure.
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Then there was the Irishman who was asked the difference between an explosion and a collision. “In a collision,” he replied, “there you are but in an explosion where are you?“
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She was only a whiskey maker’s daughter but he loved her still.
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A notice in a Galway newspaper some years ago is worthy of preservation: “Because of a lack of space a number of births have been held over until next week.”
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The police department magazine in Dayton, Ohio, once carried the following ad: For sale, second-hand tombstone, excellent buy for someone name Murphy.
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SLEEP IS THE FIRST SIGN OF RECOVERY
After seeing the great response to my recent Cowboy/Western limericks, I decided to expand my Cowboy/Western repertoire to include some western humor that was once appreciated by some of our older generations. To me, funny is funny, regardless of when it was introduced so get out those Cowboy hats, have a cold beer, and give me a huge YEE HAW!
- The worst record ever cut came out of a local Nashville studio. The song is so bad it’s already replaced capital punishment in 15 states. It’s also #1 on the Billboard charts throughout Central America.
- A scientist in Tennessee has spent twenty years studying the mating habits of the Smokey Mountain squirrels. His findings will be released to the public in a new book titled: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex in a Nutshell.”
- A rancher paid an enormous stud fee for the use of a neighbor’s prize bull. The bull had a choice of twenty lovely cows, but a month went by and nothing happened. Finally, the rancher called his friend and complained. “Relax, “soothed the studs owner. “He’s just not in the moo-o-o-o-d!”
FRONTIER FACT
Since no insurance was available to the early settlers our ancestors really went west in “uncovered” wagons.
C & W POETRY:
There once was a singer name Dolly
Who had loads of great talent by golly.
She out croons the rest
But the best is her chest
That shakes like a quake when she’s jolly.
- Did you hear about the country boy who became a nudist. He wanted to get his soul and body in Harmony. Harmony’s father shot him.
- A girl was hired to wait tables in a Country/Western nightclub. She was given a cowboy hat, boots, and a very scanty outfit. Being the modest type, she stood in front of the dressing room mirror for thirty minutes adjusting the costume until she was satisfied that she was showing as little as possible. She walked nervously into the barroom and went to work. Later that evening her boss called her aside. “Well, did you like the job? The people?” “Yes sir”, she replied. And how are your tips?”, he asked. “Oh God”, she muttered. “Do they show?”
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As you should know by now, I enjoy things odd, strange, but still interesting. I’ll tell you a short tale of my first trip outside of my home in some weeks. Since fracturing my ankle I’ve been hobbling around in the house wearing a ten-pound plastic boot and using a walker to move around. I should also mention that I drive a Smart car. It’s very difficult to fit me and my big ugly plastic boot behind the wheel of that little car. Therefor it was necessary that I become a passenger while my better-half took the wheel for a short shopping trip. I was stuck in the car because it was impossible for me to walk around a Walmart, and I absolutely refuse to use one of those electric monstrosities available for the injured and obese. Even when I was in the best of health, I never liked shopping there. Here’s my Brisk tale of my Walmart parking lot safari.
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My tale begins as I sat in my car watching a wild and crazy assortment of people wandering through the parking lot. The wind was howling, and I caught sight of a yellow empty can four aisles over rolling on the ground. As I watched, the wind blew it into traffic in that aisle and the stupid can avoided at least four vehicles and then continued rolling towards my aisle. My interest waned a bit and I began reading my Kindle. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that damn yellow can blow out from under another parked car and into the aisle three rows away. It was again missed by all of the traffic in that aisle and stopped dead in an open area.
I started fantasying that the can knew where it was going, and the wind was helping it get there. The wind kicked up once more and the can took a weird track thorough the next aisle and stopped right next to a car. An Asian fellow who had just parked his car, saw the can and gave it a kick as he walked by. The can ignored the abuse and with another gust of wind continued its journey into the next aisle. Now I was getting more interested on what the final fate of the can might be. In the next aisle a car sped by and the passing wind from the car blew the can across that aisle landing it fifteen feet from my car and ending up in a shopping cart corral. It appeared stuck there, so I returned to my reading.
Ten minutes later this giant Walmart employee with his cute little vest appeared next to my car to empty the corral. He looked pissed off and began pulling carts from here and there and fortunately for the can, he dislodged it. He stormed off mumbling to himself (probably how much he hated Walmart) and left the area. The wind gusted again and believe it or not that can rolled right over to my car and stopped next to the passenger side door where I was sitting. I’m not a believer in fate but I just knew I had to give that can some assistance before it was destroyed. I opened the door and put the empty can in my pocket and took it home with me. It’s now sitting on a shelf in my garage taking a well-earned vacation from all of the human dangers it had faced and survived. During our next shopping foray, I’ll return it to the wild to continue its journey. Maybe I’ll do it a real favor and drop it off at Home Goods, it’s a much better neighborhood and a cleaner parking lot.
AND THAT’S MY TALE
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