Archive for the ‘useless crap’ Tag

08-22-2013   Leave a comment

"I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I should have that sentence made into a really long bumper sticker.  Those of you out there who are my brothers and sisters in sarcasm will understand completely.  Those of you who are immune to sarcasm, you have my deepest sympathies (NOT TRUE).

I came by my ability honestly to turn almost anything said to me into a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort.  I began developing this superpower at age ten when I discovered that I could deflect parents, adults, and bullies with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered.  I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks was a valuable tool and I should refine it.  If used properly and politely along with clever conversation it can also make you a bit more desirable to the ladies (PROVEN FACT).  That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put into becoming a sarcasm expert.

As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using.  All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for  the most part in a negative fashion as this will clearly show:

* * *

In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously (NOT ALWAYS TRUE), for destructive purposes (NEVER). It may be used in an indirect manner and have the form of irony (THIS WOULD BE ME), as in "Your ass really looks great in that dress or ”What a fine musician you turned out to be!". It may also be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal intonation.

Hostile, critical comments may be expressed in an ironic way, such as saying "don’t work too hard" to a lazy worker (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT). The use of irony introduces an element of humour which may make the criticism seem more polite and less aggressive (ME AGAIN). Sarcasm can frequently be unnoticed in print form, oftentimes requiring the intonation or tone of voice to indicate the quip or a note added to let people know (SEE BELOW).

* * *

Sarcasm is a tool and a god-given talent for some but really gets no respect (ME) and viewing sarcasm as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it.  There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm.  I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason.  It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t.  It also identifies those who may be potential targets without even being aware of it. 

I try (MOST OF THE TIME) not to be disrespectful during those occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude.  I like a lot of laughter in my life and when the people around me don’t bring anything to the table I’ll create it for them (AT THEIR EXPENSE IF NECESSARY).

AND SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY (SARCASM OFF)

08-14-2013   Leave a comment

During my wanderings yesterday I stumbled on a new treasure trove of absolutely useless information expanded to include virtually every country on the planet.  I felt just like a little kid in a candy store.  These factoids and tidbits are much more interesting than some I’ve previously found and I’m happy to be sending them along to you.  Where I can I’ll note the source of the material and if you dispute the information call them.

There is no rhyme or reason as to how they are listed so just wade on through and enjoy.

  • At birth, most babies cry at C or C Sharp. – Financial Times
  • Five people were killed by falling icicles in the central Russian town of Samara between February 23 and 25, 2008. – Reuters
  • On a QWERTY keyboard, 32% of keystrokes take place on the middle row, 52% on the upper row, and 16% on the bottom row. – Discover Magazine
  • In ninety days a single toad can consume nearly 10,000 insects. – State of the World
  • Hitler was on the short list for the 1938 Nobel Peace Prize. – The Guardian
  • Two thirds of the world’s people have never seen snow. – Canadian Weather Trivia Calendar
  • The average British woman spends two years of her life gazing in the mirror. – The Times
  • Every year, an average of twelve Japanese tourists in Paris have to be repatriated due to severe culture shock. – Foreign Policy Passport
  • Henry David Thoreau once burned down three hundred acres of forest trying to cook a fish he had caught for supper. – The Times
  • On an average day, about 3.3% of the worlds population has sex.  Less than 0.4% of these acts result in births. – Financial Times
  • Asians make up 35% of the undergraduate body at MIT but only 4% of the US population. – New York Book Review
  • There are an estimated 10,000 trillion ants on earth – roughly 1.6 million for each human.  Their combined weight is equivalent to that of the entire human population. – MSN
  • Spammers typically need to send one million emails to get fifteen positive responses. – The New Yorker
  • Jack Bauer, the lead character from the series 24, personally killed 112 people in the first five seasons of the show. – The Guardian
  • About 85% of Chinese people share only a hundred surnames.  Wang is the most popular (with 93 million people), followed by Li (92 million) and Zhang (88 million). At least 100,000 people are named “Wang Tao,” making it the most popular full name. – China Daily

There you have it.  The first installment of International Trivia.  It’s nice to see that we Americans are not alone when it comes to weirdness and odd behavior.  Carry on.

07-29-2013   2 comments

Since this week has been so traumatic and disturbing I’ve decided to lay some more really useless information on you.  I’m just not up to writing anything too serious today because I’m still a little unfocused with everything that’s been going on.  These facts are somewhat odd but still interesting and I hope you enjoy them.

  • Cats urine glows under a black light.
  • Blueberry jelly beans were especially made for Ronald Reagan.
  • In every episode of Seinfeld there’s a superman somewhere.
  • Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat" which means the king is dead.
  • Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds while dogs have only ten.
  • 91% of Americans lie daily.
  • When you sneeze water can come out of your mouth at speeds of 60mph.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • On a Canadian 2 dollar bill the flag flying over the parliament building appears to be an American flag. It’s actually Canada’s earlier flag of the Red Ensign.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • Sloths are actually fast, they just prefer to move at a slow pace.
  • There are only two families who produced a father and son who were US presidents: Bush and Adams.
  • A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
  • Humans and horses are the only two animals that have hymens.
  • Polish is the only word in the English language that has two completely different meanings when the first letter is capitalized.
  • The longest word in the English language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
  • Margaret Kerry was the live action model for Walt Disney’s Tinkerbell.
  • The average human lies at least twice a day.
  • Before Late Night Television, Jay Leno appeared in an episode of Laverne and Shirley.
  • In "American Graffiti", the license plate on Richard Dreyfusses’ car is changed every time you see it.

That should just about do it for today.  I’m on my way to begin the search for another vehicle for the better-half.  She’s still in morning for the loss of her little yellow car and the only way to help her along is to find another car as soon as possible.  I’m actually surprised she didn’t want to bring the remains home so we could bury it in the yard next to our previous pets.  She gets attached to the weirdest crap.  It can be amazing, unbelievable, and disturbing all at the same time.

07-23-2013   Leave a comment

Here’s my second installment of Beer Trivia that I faithfully promised my better-half I would post in order to get my butt out of the dog house.  I’m hoping this will be sufficient to put me back into her good graces.  I  know, I’m so whipped I can hardly stand it. I feel my manhood slowly slipping away until nothing will be left but a screaming little girl with five o’clock shadow.

I hope all of you beer lovers out there  find these tidbits interesting.  I may never understand it because I’m really not a beer lover.  I’m not even a beer liker.  Here, goes.

  • In the past English  pub crawlers had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  • In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at a local pub costs just 30 cents while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents. Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, for a half liter).
  • A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
  • A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.
  • A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.
  • The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.
  • In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.
  • One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”
  • 1888: Citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.
  • Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.
  • In old England,  inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.
  • Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.
  • Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day worldwide.
  • The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.
  • In ancient Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
  • A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.
  • A 12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
  • The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.
  • The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.

That finishes my penance for writing a lengthy posting on female breasts.  I’m not saying this kind of circumstance won’t happen again but I promise to do do my best to behave. I haven’t had much success with that since about the age of  three but I’ll continue to try.

07-19-2013   Leave a comment

I think I’m in the proverbial dog house after yesterdays posting on female breasts.  My better-half was not too pleased with that posting so I’ve got to be punished.  It’s something that happens between us every time I step out of line which occurs more often than I care to admit.

I’ve been thinking of possible ways to calm the waters but my choices are somewhat limited.  I finally realized that the thing she loves most in this world (after me I hope) is beer.  What could I possibly write about beer to make her happy.  Besides giving her a case of cold beer wrapped in a ribbon I actually considered having a tap installed on the kitchen sink.  Hot water, cold water, and beer at the ready for quick access.  I decided that was a little more than she actually deserved after putting me on the defensive like this.

My solution is the beer trivia collection that follows.  I found so many interesting beer facts that this will be Beer List #1.  I’ll follow with the second half of the list  in a week or so.  Hopefully this will end the cold shoulder treatment and get me back into her good graces.  We shall see.

  • According to The Code of Hammurabi of ancient Babylonia (c. 1750 B.C.) a merchant could be put to death for diluting beer.
  • 1810: Munich establishes Oktoberfest as an official celebration.
  • A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.
  • After consuming buckets of aul (or ale), the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
  • Historians report that during the Middle Ages, when monks were brewing their beer in their monasteries, each monk was allowed to drink 5 quarts of beer a day.
  • A beer a day… Beer was used to treat over 100 illnesses in Egypt, 1600 BC.
  • In the 13th century, King Wenceslas convinced the Pope to revoke an order banning the brewing of beer in Czech territories (no wonder he was known as ‘Good King Wenceslas).
  • In 1116 BC, Chinese imperial edict stated that heaven required people to drink beer.
  • In English pubs, unruly customers were told to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down – and so began the phrase "mind your P’s and Q’s.
  • Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold and the yeast wouldn’t grow; too hot and the yeast would die. This ancient practice is where we get the phrase ‘rule of thumb’.
  • Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.
  • In a Czech beer house, the bartender will refill your glass every time you empty it until you place your coaster on top of your glass, signaling that you have had enough.
  • The first brewery in America was built in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1642.
    Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Its alcoholic content is less than that found in "classic" beer.
  • Saint Arnold, a bishop born in 580, is considered the patron saint of beer. He encouraged people to drink beer instead of water during the Plague.
  • Anheuser-Busch is the largest brewery in the US.
  • If you collect beer bottles you’re a labeorphilist.
  • The most expensive beer in the world? It’s called “Tutankhamen” and is prepared according to the recipe recovered by a group of University of Cambridge archaeologists in Queen Nefertiti’s Temple of the Sun in Egypt. It costs US $52 a bottle, and is produced in limited and numbered edition.
  • The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock because they ran out of beer. Although they planned to continue down the east coast, the Mayflower’s log explains the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
  • The music for "The Star Spangled Banner" was derived from a British drinking song called "Anacreon".
  • Assyrian tablets from 2000 BC stated that Noah was carrying beer aboard the ark.
  • The United States two-dollar bill features three brewers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Samuel Adams. In fact, George Washington installed a brew house on his grounds at Mount Vernon.
  • The longest bar in the world is the 684 foot long New Bulldog in Rock Island, IL.

There you are my darling.  A partial list of beer related facts and lore that should stop this madness.  Please welcome me back into the fold with a big wet sloppy kiss and a huge hug.  I promise to try harder to be the boring and uninteresting person you’re looking for.  How’s that for a half-assed apology.

On top of everything else, I really hate beer.

07-09-2013   Leave a comment

I receive a few emails each week and unfortunately some of them are more than a little rude.  The people who send those messages apparently don’t wish to have their user ID’s published in my Comments section.  Every once in a great while I receive something that makes me smile and when that occurs I pass it along to you.

Recently I was sent the following information from an anonymous emailer.  He claimed he likes reading my postings that contain quotations.  He collected a few of his own from friends and other unknown sources and sent them along. In my opinion they seem more like bumper stickers than quotations but  I’m forwarding them along on the side chance you’ll get a chuckle or two. I’m also really glad I don’t know any of this guys friends because some of these are sooooo freaking lame.  Hold your nose with one hand and read on. 

  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • I just got lost in thought and believe me It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
  • Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
  • I can resist everything except temptation.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
  • Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
  • Born free, taxed to death.
  • Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
  • In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
  • Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think about it,  neither does milk.
  • In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
  • Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.

The only one I really liked and appreciated was the last one on the list. For some reason that one just clicked for me.  At first I laughed and then after thinking about it for a moment or two realized just how true it is and laughed again.  Sometime it’s necessary to break up the day with a little silliness and that one did it for me. 

So here’s a special thanks to Mr. Anonymous for his contribution.  Next time send me some actual quotations because I love reading them too.

07-02-2013   1 comment

With the holiday fast approaching I decided to have an easy day by posting some more of that useless crap everyone seems to love.  Some of these are really interesting and others not so much.  I hope you trivia lovers out there make good use of this valuable and uninteresting nonsense.

  • A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
  • When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop … even your heart.
  • 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
  • The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
    The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
  • The average housefly lives for one month.
  • A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
  • The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
  • Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
  • The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot.
  • Michael Jackson’s estate owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
  • In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
  • The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
  • Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
  • There are more chickens than people in the world.
  • Two-thirds of the world’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
  • The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

I’m still debating with myself as to what sort of posting I should do for the holiday.  I’m not really interested in flying the flag with all of the normal corny stuff you might expect.  I’ve done it in the past but it leaves me feeling a little disappointed in myself that I can’t come up with something a little more original.  I’m sure to have it figured out by tomorrow.

06-28-2013   2 comments

I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz.  Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases.  How did you really do?

Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves

On to the next subject.  As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.

  • Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
  • A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
  • Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
  • One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
  • More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
  • More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
  • Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
  • Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
  • 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
  • Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
  • Coca-cola was originally green.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".

Are you feeling smarter now?  Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday.  It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.

06-21-2013   1 comment

Have you ever had something piss you off so bad that you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes.  If you have then the following list will be perfect for you.  I love reading lists and also love writing them from time to time.   Most people are occasionally annoying but on their really bad days they make my list.  These items have started this Summer Season with a vengeance.

  • People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
  • The person in front of me at the 14 item express register checkout with fifty items in his cart and a bad attitude when confronted.
  • Waiting in my car at the ATM for fifteen minutes for some moron on foot makes a withdrawal.
  • The guy in the men’s room stall at Wal-mart who leaves the stall in a condition that some people (but not me) might call a real “shit hole”.
  • The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane. When you then look at her she resorts to giving you the dreaded “finger”.
  • People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theatre but can’t shut up once the movie starts.
  • People who have something important to tell me and then send me a four word text.
  • People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench” breath who won’t stop talking.
  • Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their debit card by the cashier.
  • People who insist on telling me their child is an honor student in some BS school with a freaking bumper sticker.

I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of these off my chest.  It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least and just might keep me from hurting myself and others. 

06-20-2013   4 comments

Welcome to a new day.  As promised yesterday I’ll be giving you the answers to the ten mystery music trivia questions.  I imagine getting the right answers without cheating and using Google or Bing was difficult.  As my collection of totally useless information continues to accumulate I’ll be testing your knowledge of many different subjects.  One of the things I like best about  collecting trivia is that it’s fun and even interesting at times.  Here’s your answers, I hope you did well.

1.   In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the rise wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?

A: That it was the only time she ever got anything for good behavior.

2.   Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?

A: Glenn Miller, for Chattanooga Choo-Choo.

3.   What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?

A: Patti Page. The company was the Page Milk Company of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

4.   What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?

A: Actress-Singer, Tina Turner.

5.   The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?

A: Sonny and Cher.

6.   Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl,  always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?

A: $1.98

7.   Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical Hair who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?

A: Diane Keaton

8.   What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?

 A: The Rolling Stones. Water’s song, of course, was "Rolling Stone".

9.   Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?

A: Elvis Costello

10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?

A: Pearl Bailey. She received her BA in 1985 after seven years as a part-time student.