Author Archive
I know you’ve all been waiting for my next installment of the “Things I Once Hated”. I’m only going through this endless process because I need to show my better-half just how much I’ve mellowed over the years and that living with her has had a serious calming effect on me (sarcasm off). Let’s get this going for numbers 41-55.
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#41 Organic Food – This is one of the biggest scams going. Put organic on the label of anything and you can immediately increase the price by twenty-five percent. In my opinion anything that is grown is organic. Wash off any fertilizer and insecticide and you have clean and organic food. I hate those liars who extort money from all of us under suspicious circumstances or labeling. No improvement here.
#42 Liars – refer back to #41. On a daily basis we have dozens of people who lie to us. I’ve always hated being told things that are less than true and I still do. No improvement here either.
#43 Ear Hair – I was introduced to this issue when my better-half was caught trying to trim the hair in my ears while I was napping. It’s one of her pet peeves and she’s gently forced me into adding it to my original list of one hundred. I’m still being forced to hate it or there’d be hell to pay. No improvement.
#44 Doctors – I’ve had to rethink this item because I finally met a doctor that wasn’t playing God and actually treated me like a thinking human being. I’ll concede to a 50% improvement.
#45 Large Aureoles – As I’ve stated many times before I love boobs. But large aureoles bother me for some unknown reason. I’m forced into not hating them because they’re normally attached to things I love. It’s a conundrum I tell you. No more hate for them results in a 100% improvement.
#46 Overweight Babies – Just writing about this problem pisses me off. Overfeeding a toddler or young kid is about the worst start you can give them in life. I hate the thought of it almost as much as the people responsible. No improvement.
#47 Dirty Toilets – I suppose you think I’m only talking about those disgusting restrooms found in stores and gas stations. I am but I’m also including anyone else who refuses to clean their own bathrooms. I’ve been in a few that still give me nightmares. No improvement.
#48 Stinky Cheese – I just don’t see the point of making or eating some types of stinky cheese. My grandfather was a big fan of Limburger cheese and I suspect it was only because it kept us kids away from him during our visits. No improvement and no thank you.
#49 Opossums – One of the most disgusting animals on the planet. I understand they’re great to have around to clean up road kill but they’re gross, ugly, and disgusting. No possible improvement.
#50 Roadside Death Shrines – I’m reconsidering this item out of sympathy to those people who insist on building them. I think the whole process is a waste of time and effort but I guess if it makes them feel better for all of fifteen minutes. What the hell, since I’m now a much more loving and tolerant person I can let it go (sarcasm off). 100% improvement.
#51 Extra Toes – Too creepy to even discuss and that goes for webs between the toes as well. Go join a carnival but stay away from me. No improvement.
#52 Nose Hair – Again something being pushed on me by my better-half. She’s obsessed with hating this item therefore so must I. No improvement.
#53 Jehovah Witnesses – I can’t begin to tell you how much fun I’ve had over the years messing with these people. I can’t say I actually hate them personally but I do resent anyone who tries to force their belief system on me. These folks are nothing if not persistent making them a huge target for my sometime sick sense of humor. 100% improvement.
#54 Salesmen – I’ll modify this category somewhat. I hate “high pressure” sales people. So I’ll claim a 50% improvement on this one as long as they don’t get in my face.
#55 Hot Tuna Casserole – I’ve done a total 180 on this one. I finally found someone with a recipe that I actually liked and looked forward to eating. No more hating of hot tuna dishes. 100% improvement.
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That should do it for today. Fifty-five items now completed with only forty-five more to go. Just remember all of these items are in no particular order of importance.
The last few days have been fugly and for those of you that don’t know what that means I suggest you call someone. Sleet, freezing rain, ice, snow, regular rain, high winds, and temperatures moving up and down the scale from 9 degrees to 40 degrees. A little bit of everything you could possibly imagine and none of it you would ever ask for.
The ice storm early in the week was responsible not only for icy roads but for falling tree branches covered with ice and snow. We had two small trees down in the back yard but nothing too terrible. Other folks weren’t as lucky with collapsed roofs, damaged vehicles, and damaged shrubbery.
We took a ride around the area earlier today and these photos pretty much explain how Maine feels in the winter. This first shot is of what a prosperous farm looks like in Winter.
A very solemn sight to be sure. I prefer the corn to be green and growing and the machinery in operation. The next photos were taken along the Saco river with the first looking north with the sun at my back and the second facing south with the sun in my eyes.
Regardless of the direction I’m looking that water is frigid, the cold wind was freezing my face, and I ran for my car when I was finished. The parking area near the river was covered in ice and it was purely luck I didn’t fall on my ass like I usually do. Through a bare spot in the ice I saw a reminder of Summer and of all the teenage kids who seem to congregate here. I don’t know who Jake is but an artist he aint!
I look forward to seeing more graffiti in about five months. I sure hope it’s better than this stuff.
I’m feeling particularly lazy today thanks in part to NASA and the pilot of a small boat floating off shore near Cape Canaveral. Both of them were responsible for totally screwing up my sleep schedule for last night and again this morning and unfortunately tomorrow as well.
I’m a bit of a science and space nerd and I was excited enough about the launch of Orion that I set my alarm for 4:15 am, stumbled out of bed to await the launch at 7:04 am. After two and a half hours of the prelaunch show I was ready to see that rocket fly. Too bad the dumb SOB in that boat who wandered into the hazard zone near the launch site caused the first of what ended up being four delays.
At 9:00 am I was still sitting like a zombie on the couch with my fourth cup of coffee, all wound up with no place to go. They missed the launch window and now I’ve got to do all of this again tomorrow morning. Since I’m not altogether alert yet, I thought I’d just post the third installment of "Things I Once Hated". These fifteen items will complete the first forty of my list of one hundred. Here we go.
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#26 Hospitals – I don’t ever see my feelings for hospitals changing. They creep me out just as much now as they did when I was a kid. No improvement and there never will be.
#27 Mimes – I don’t know many people who like mimes except for a few artistic types I attended school with. A major annoyance if you’re trying to sit on a bench and relax for a few minutes but no actual hatred. 100% improvement.
#28 Oprah Winfrey – What more needs to be said. She finally moved on down the road just like Phil Donahue. Goodbye, good luck, and get out! No improvement for Harpo.
#29 Finger Nail Decals – I love well cared for nails on a woman but in my humble opinion decals are tacky. I can’t say I hate people that wear them but the first impression they leave with me isn’t good. No hatred but a 100% of yuck. 100% improvement on the hate scale. I can almost feel myself evolving with all these fantastic improvements.
#30 Will Ferrell – To me he is the unfunniest comic I’ve ever seen or heard of. No improvement.
#31 Fake Finger Nails – I really don’t hate them because my better-half has occasionally had them installed. Even if I did I can’t ever say it out loud. 100% improvement.
#32 The Smell of Urine – Yours, mine, or anyone else’s. No improvement.
#33 Corpse’s – Being a former soldier and police officer I’ve seen my fair share of bodies. I always hated being put into a position to personally deal with the dead. It’s very creepy and I hated it then and still do. No improvement.
#34 Women Missing Teeth – I guess I really don’t hate them but they do give me a huge case of the willies when they smile at me. 100% improvement.
#35 Political Correctness – No explanation needed for this. My biggest all time hate. No improvement.
#36 Liberals – This refers to those true dyed-in-the-wool, Kool-Aid drinking, Obama loving, and Clinton worshiping Liberals. Many other Liberals are moderate and I don’t hate them, they just annoy me. 50% improvement.
#37 Drug Users – Just hate’em ! ! ! No improvement.
#38 Boogers – As I’ve matured I’ve come to understand that I don’t hate all boogers. I really can’t hate my own because I’ve spent years learning how to properly handle them. I do hate the boogers of others because they show up in the damnedest places. Now you not only find old gum under table edges but also the occasional moist booger. That’s really rude so please flick it elsewhere like everyone else does. 50% improvement.
#39 Clowns – I once wore a clown costume for Halloween and mistakenly looked into a mirror as I walked by. It freaked me the hell out and I’ve hated them ever since. No improvement.
#40 Corns – Nothing’s worse that being in a darkened room getting romantic with a gorgeous women and as you run your hand slowly down her smoothly shaved legs to her feet. There you run into some crusty and nasty corns. Hate is way too nice a word for those things. Not only do they make the woman limp but me as well. No improvement.
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That takes care of items 1-40. The rest will be posted before years end and then I can get started on my New Year’s resolutions.
P.S. It’s now the next day and I just finished watching another four hours of the Orion flight. Kudos to NASA and all of it’s partners. The takeoff, flight, and landing went without a hitch and they should be congratulated on such a huge accomplishment.
Now I need a nap!
Finally Black November, Black Friday Week, Black Friday, and Cyber Monday are over. Cyber Week will continue for three more days but OMFG. This has been the worst year I’ve ever experienced with the constant drumbeat of commercials, sales, bait and switch schemes, and alleged price drops. I’m beginning to believe that the majority of people in this country are just as stupid as I once suspected.
Working with and for retailers for years gives me an excellent perspective on things and it’s depressing as hell. Not only did retailers start earlier than ever with their push, the sales and price reductions were ridiculous. Did it ever occur to people that if they can sell most of their goods at these Black Friday prices, just how much their actual markup really is. They reduce prices by thirty percent and still seem to be making money. All that tells me is that for 51 weeks every year we are being criminally overcharged for just about everything. Does that stop the crowds from becoming near riots so they can purchase a certain doll or a certain electronic gadget? Hell no! It’s a form of insanity that brings out the absolute worst in some people as well as the constant and unrelenting pandering by the retailers. It’s maddening.
The retailers seem desperate to one-up all of their competitors to grab a little more market share. One of the commercials I can mention is the one that got me thinking along these lines. How bad does it have to be for the Kleenex company to start a competition where consumers are asked to relate an uplifting story of a personal interaction with a Kleenex tissue. Who in their right mind is going to invest their time to write a heart rendering nose-wiping story. Just unbelievable.
I harken back to the Y2K fiasco. That was the tipping point for me. I saw retailers and businesses panic millions of citizens and other businesses into spending billions of dollars for a trumped up emergency that never happened. It appears that we haven’t gotten any smarter in the intervening years.
I needed to rant a little today because this kind of idiocy makes me even crazier than usual. I see no end to it and there seems to be no concern by the buying public about how much they’re being manipulated. What more can I say? Not much that will be listened to for sure. Here’s my last word on the subject for this year so listen closely.
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(Sarcasm on)
Merry Christmas – HO! HO! HO!
Santa has requested that I help him out this year by collecting funds needed for the ever increasing costs for reindeer feed, new uniforms, and elf shoes. Just have all of your friends immediately send $10.00 to me and I’ll make sure you’re all moved directly to the top of his gift giving list. The sooner you act the better because the funds are badly needed to help Santa deal with the many holiday stresses for him and his helpers, of which I am one. I’ll be able to spend a week in Tahiti for Christmas with my family so I can be ready for next years duties. All of this holiday stress has become a dangerous health issue for us and it doesn’t seem to be covered by Obamacare. Help us out, who can’t afford a $10.00 donation for such a good cause. Santa will love you forever and you just might get that special gift you’ve always wanted next year. I should also mention that we have a payment plan in effect where your ten dollar donation can be deducted monthly from your account and delivered DIRECTLY to Santa for his expenses during the off season. Get your kids involved, they love Santa too. Santa stickers are also available for just $7.00 and can be shipped directly to your home. Just add $8.00 for shipping and handling.
HAVE A HAPPY AND GENEROUS HOLIDAY SEASON
(Sarcasm off)
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P.S. I only marked the last paragraph as Sarcasm due to MY fear that certain people would read it, react, and immediately rush to send me their $10.00. I’m just cynical enough to believe that could happen so please, DON’T SEND ANY MONEY.
I thought starting the month of December with part two of my review of “Things I Once Hated” would be appropriate. After working for a toy retailer for thirteen years, I once hated Christmas with a passion, but as you can see I continue to show improvement in some areas. Here are the next fifteen items.
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#11 Pierced Clits – While I think these body decorations can be interesting they also have the ability to be dangerous. I no longer hate them but I do think we males should be forewarned in some fashion as to the possible dangers to our equipment. 100% improvement.
#12 Large Groups of People – I still hate this. You can’t easily get over a phobia like this so there will never be improvement here.
#13 Old Gum Under Tables – No matter how good that old gum might taste I refuse to partake. It also sticks to the knees of my pants and I hate that. No improvement.
#14 Penis Tattooing – Just saying those two words make me cringe. I still hate unnecessary puncturing of the genitals for any reason and can’t be convinced otherwise. No improvement.
#15 Penn & Teller – Over the years my opinion on these two has changed a lot. I still think Penn is a big blowhard but I’ve taken a liking to Teller. He knows when to keep his mouth shut. 50% improvement.
#16 Dumb Cashiers – This problem is even worse now than it was when I initially made my list. No improvement to this everlasting annoyance.
#17 Stinky Feet – Unfortunately I still hate this. To my everlasting embarrassment I’ve become a contributor to this problem. I hate my own feet and how they reek. No improvement.
#18 Decomposition – My feelings about this go hand-in-hand with Funerals. Thank God for cremation because I don’t even like to think about being embalmed and left to rot. Creepy as hell if you ask me so there’s no improvement.
#19 Night Farts – I’ve had to modify my feeling somewhat on night farting. While I don’t mind my own I have some serious issues with my better-half. So I’ll just call that a 50% improvement.
#20 Bugs Crawling On Me – Absolutely no change here. I freaking hate it. No improvement.
#21 Tongue Studs – After giving this category a little more thought and doing a little field research I’m now all for them. See how much I’m growing and improving. 100% improvement.
#22 Hairy Bushes – This is a tough one. In Summer I hate them but in Winter I love them. I’m forced to declare an improvement of 50%. It’s just the right thing to do.
#23 Terrorists – Kill them all. No improvement.
#24 Overweight Pets – This category can’t really change. Owners are mostly responsible for this problem and need to change their ways. No improvement.
#25 Know-It-All’s – No change here either. These people make me want to scream and then kick their collective asses.
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That concludes my revisits to the first twenty five items on my list of one hundred. More to come in the next few weeks.
Well, it’s the day after Black Friday which in fact started almost a week ago and I assume by next year will almost certainly become Black November. That way they can begin their annoying Christmas push the day after Halloween. I chose this year to not leave the house on Black Friday. I try to miss it as often as I possibly can. After more than twenty-five years of working for retail corporations and being forced to work Black Friday every year, I refuse to ever do it again.
This morning my better-half hit the ground running when she arrived in the bedroom to wake me up well before I was ready. If it isn’t the cat it’s her. She was on her third cup of coffee and talking ninety miles an hour and rattling off the list of stores we’d be visiting on our planned shopping trip. There just wasn’t enough coffee in the house to get me out of that bed quickly but eventually I stumbled to the kitchen and tried to wake up.
An hour or so later we were on our way. I really wasn’t into the shopping but I made sure I drove us through areas where good photographs might be found. It was a bright and clear sunny day and I didn’t want to waste any of it. Here are a few photo’s to help you appreciate Maine a little.
We had a great day together where my better-half wandered around looking and touching everything she saw and was able to fill the car rather easily with all sorts of treasures. We’ve just arrived home and hopefully I can settle in and relax for a few hours before the nonsense starts again tomorrow. I can expect another early wakeup call and I need a little time to come up with a reason or two why I can’t be dragged shopping once again. It’s never worked before but I can only keep trying.
‘Say hello to the horses.’
It seems to me that 2014 has come and gone in the blink of an eye. It was a busy year which probably accounts for that. It’s Thanksgiving morning and I’m relaxing with a coffee and donut supplied by my better-half who was the early riser this morning. It’s been quite some time since we’ve had a snow storm on Thanksgiving and I’m looking out the window at a winter wonderland. I can’t believe she was up and out so early in this weather. It’s one of those special holiday miracles I guess.
I spent time yesterday as the snow was accumulating trying to keep the driveway passable. The snowblower was unveiled and got it’s first use this season and so did my back and arms. I’m more than a little stiff today but that’s par for the course here in Maine.
The final snow numbers indicate between ten and twelve inches with most of the area suffering from downed tree limbs and power outages. I’m not sure how we missed out on the loss of power but for a change we made it through the storm with only a few momentary lapses. We have our issues with this snow and as you see so do the birds. They’re scratching their way to the food as best they can.
The sun is shining and is being reflected off the snow and it’s amazing. I can’t wait to get dressed and get out with my camera. Everywhere you look there are beautiful pictures to be taken and I’m going to get my fair share.
I’d also like to send out a special thank you to the Saco town snowplow operator responsible for destroying my new mailbox during the first effing snow storm of the season. I wish I knew who he was and where he lives. I might just do a drive-by on his mailbox with a baseball bat. Freaking A-hole!!
For the first time in a while our Thanksgiving dinner will be just for two. All of our family and friends are scattered about the country celebrating their holiday. We’ll have our meal this afternoon and be thankful for our good health and the blessing of a quiet day to properly enjoy it.
I do love the snow and I’m sure we’ll be seeing much more before this winter is over. I hope you and yours are enjoying this holiday and appreciate your lives together. Now we can rush headlong into the Christmas season and then the welcoming of 2015.
I started collecting music at a very young age. I didn’t just collect everything because that would be impossible. I have my musical likes and dislikes but as everyone else the music of my twenties and thirties holds the biggest attraction. I collected first on eight tracks, then cassettes and later on CD’s which resulted in a collection of more than 400 albums of what are now called classic oldies. Ten years ago I decided to make the move to digital and spent months with a software package called Audiograbber and converted all of my CD’s into MP3’s. It was a massive job but it permitted me to take my entire collection and install it on my first 80 gig IPod. It was one of my better purchases because I’m still using it today, 11 years later, on the original battery.
Most of my music is from the late 1950’s through the early 1970’s. Only a few albums and artists have been added over the years because I only collect what I really like. I could sit here and attempt to razzle-dazzle you with song titles and artist’s names but what would be the point of that. We all love the music we love and some of us don’t like much of anything. Some people only enjoy the music for its ability to create an atmosphere that will lead to social gatherings at bars and clubs, drinking, dancing, and the occasional bout of recreational sex.
I’m fairly eclectic in my music tastes and enjoy quite a variety which doesn’t include Hip Hop or Country & Western. Only a very select few from those genres made the cut. Salt & Pepa, En Vogue, Delbert McClinton, and Bonnie Raitt are just a few that did.
Every so often when I’m alone for a few hours or when I’m working on the computer I’ll crank up certain selections and rock the house down. One day last week I decided to celebrate some of my favorite artists that had tons of musical talent and died before their time. I spent two hours listening first to my two favorite balladeers, Jim Croce and Harry Chapin. Then I moved on to the Big Bopper, Richie Valens, and Buddy Holly. I saved the best for last with Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, and ended the montage with Jim Morrison and Freddie Mercury. Wow. . . it was more than just a little wonderful. I’m still humming and singing those songs in my head and will be for quite some time.
After two hours of that music I found myself extremely sad to have lost them before their time and could only imagine all of the fantastic music that died with them. The only positive thing I can think of is that they and their music will outlive us all and be enjoyed by millions in future generations. They found their immortality albeit in a most unpleasant fashion.
I look toward to many more special moments listening to their songs as I’ve enjoyed doing in the past. With that:
R.I.P.
Four years ago in a galaxy far far away on my first blog I posted a list of 100 Things I Hate. At the time I challenged myself to compile that list in under ten minutes to make it as spontaneous as possible. I completed it easily and was really proud of my accomplishment. It was a fun exercise that I found interesting and one I want to revisit today.
I’ll be addressing the first ten items from that list and fully intend to cover the remaining ninety over the next month. "An unexamined life is not worth living." or so I’ve been told over and over again. That being said there are certain inevitabilities in life such as the much overused "death and taxes" but there are many others that are just as important. "Change" effects us all in a myriad of ways and many times we aren’t even aware that it’s happening. I hope this silly little exercise will give me a better understanding of the many changes that are taking place within me and the effect it has on my endless supply of opinions on just about everything. Here we go.
#1 STUPID PEOPLE – Unfortunately this one hasn’t changed much at all. Although now I recognize and admit that a large percentage of these people are harmless-stupid which makes them more annoying than anything else. The remainder are bad-stupid and remain on my hate list. It appears I’m not hating on this as much as I once did and I see a 50% Improvement.
#2 ROSIE O’DONNELL – No change here. No improvement whatsoever. She sucks.
#3 UNIBROW WOMEN – I’ve always had the ability to identify one or two things about any woman I’ve become involved with or thought about getting involved with. I consider them all lovely and fun to be with in their own right. I’m again forced to reconsider this item because I’m sure there are some women out there with unibrows that I’d like to spend a little time with. 50% Improvement.
#4 BUMS – This term along with the term hobo is no longer politically correct and I promise to slap myself on the wrist really hard each and every time I use them. Again I find myself hating those aggressive and arrogant homeless people who insist on getting in my face and wanting my money. Some of these others who are mentally challenged are just pitiful but because of all the politically-correct thinking in this country they’ve been dumped onto the streets. 50% Improvement.
#5 DIRTY FINGERNAILS – No change here and no improvement.
#6 CRIMINALS – No change here either. No improvement.
#7 CANADIANS – I’ve moved this item into the annoyance category. Canadians are are just a mild form of a parasite that continually criticizes it’s host but continues to enjoy the benefits it provides. 100% Improvement.
#8 ROCK STACKERS – Once again, more an annoyance than anything else. It’s something I see no useful purpose in doing but if you feel compelled to do it then just do it. I can feel myself changing already and I’m getting all tingly with my 100% Improvement.
#9 FUNERALS – I hate them. I would like to spend the remainder of my life never attending another regardless of who it is. They freak me out and hopefully the only other one I ever attend will be my own. No improvement here.
#10 BACKWARD BASEBALL CAPS - This is something I’ve hated since it all started. Grown men and women teaching their children to look as stupid and ridiculous as they do. This goes hand in hand with saggy pants with underwear sticking out. I’d like to find the person who started these ridiculous trends and just kick their ass. No improvement.
By my calculations on these ten items I’m showing a 35% improvement overall. I find that amazing, disturbing, and annoying, all at the same time. I wish I could get that kind of improvement for my 2014 New Years resolutions but they’ll be reviewed and discussed at a later date.
I needed a few hours of peace and quiet and since that’s virtually impossible at home I decided to take my camera and disappear into the woods for a couple of hours. The temperature was in the low forties which made the woods a little more bearable than normal. No hordes of black flies and gnats and no sweating through my clothing because of the summer heat. That’s a win/win anytime for me and motivates me to make more visits during these cooler months.
As I walked onto the trail the first thing I noticed was the absolute quiet. That’s a Winter quiet that takes a little getting used to. During warm weather the place is nothing but noise from birds, squirrels, and any other wildlife that’s passing through the area. The leaves have fallen and the fields of milkweed pods have opened up and spilled their seeds everywhere.
This place is usually teeming with birds but almost all of them have headed south for the Winter. I saw two cardinals frolicking through the nearby trees filled with red berries. They should be really happy, there’s enough berries in this area to feed them and all of their friends until next summer. If you squint just a little you can just see the male cardinal keeping an close eye on me while his mate eats nearby.
I always try to visit the small ponds and swamps when I’m here and today I found the places dead quiet as well. It’s been just cold enough over the last few days to begin freezing the ponds. Even in these conditions I still love spending time here and I’m not sure why, I just do.
Another thing I like about the late Fall is that the leaves have dropped and now make it possible to see things you normally can’t. It’s the only time of the year when I can truly appreciate the beauty of the white birch trees scattered throughout these woods. They almost seem to glow in the bright sunlight and it’s really breathtaking.
The quarter mile before returning to my car is a walk that takes me through an area diverse with every kind of tree and bush. It always seems in such perfect balance, something Mother Nature seems to be very good at.
As I return home I feel refreshed and relaxed, something that always occurs after I’ve spent some time here. I’ll be returning soon after the first significant snow fall to begin my 2014 Winter collection of photos.
I’m still stalking my friend, the big fat barn owl. I took this picture a few years ago and have been trying to find him just one more time ever since. I’ve seen him flying overhead on many occasions but he apparently roosts in some of the tallest pine trees located along the Scarborough River. It makes getting any decent photographs very difficult. I hope some day my persistence pays off and he agrees to pose for me again.
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