Author Archive
Well it’s now official, Christmas is here. Do you know how I know? My back is sore and my butt cheeks are screaming at me. That’s what snow shoveling can do to a person. I’ve mentioned a number of times how much I love the snow which upon occasion allows me to take some really beautiful photographs. Unfortunately the snow that’s currently clogging my driveway is a double-edged sword. It’s making everything look so nice and white and at the same time makes walking for me a real hazard. For most of my life I’ve been known as one of those people who can’t walk and talk at the same time on ice. It’s not such a beautiful thing when you’re laying on your back in the driveway looking up at the sky, ho;ping and praying you didn’t just break something.
We here in Maine are in the process of receiving approximately 8-10 inches of snow making this the first real snowfall of the winter. It’ll make for a white Christmas if the snow lasts but I’m almost certain that within 48 hours it will be looking more like dirty brown. In Maine we get loads of snow every year and also loads of SNIRT. SNIRT is a mixture of snow and dirt that rapidly piles up each winter leaving us with huge frozen piles in April that take until May to melt. That’s the double edged sword of beautiful snow; beautiful yet dangerous, white yet dirty, snow yet slush. I happen to be one of those unlucky individuals who can slip, slide, and fall in every one of those circumstances.
I’ve gone so far as to purchase snowshoes, walking sticks, and special shoe clamps to avoid breaking my neck or other important body parts. I’ve got scars in all the wrong places from past injuries suffered while putting my life at risk to shovel the driveway.
I’m sitting here looking out the window at my neighbor bundled up to the point of being unrecognizable and attempting to clear a path for his wife’s car. He looks thrilled to death at having a “White Christmas” and I know he whistling a Christmas carol or two as his boots fill with freezing cold and melted snow.
I’m not entirely sure where the term “White Christmas” originated. It intrigued me enough that I decided to find out. We have Irving Berlin and Bing Crosby to thank for the whole deal. I can’t find any other mention of that term anywhere. It’s just another child born of war.
"It was a peaceful song that became a wartime classic. Its unorthodox, melancholy melody—and mere 54 words, expressing the simple yearning for a return to happier times—sounded instantly familiar when sung by America’s favorite crooner. But 67 years after its introduction, some still are surprised to learn that Bing Crosby’s recording of the Irving Berlin ballad "White Christmas" became not only the runaway smash-hit for the World War II holidays, but the best-selling record of all time."
Since both Bing Crosby and Irving Berlin have long since passed on I can’t send them the “thanks for nothing” email I have bouncing around in my skull. I’d love somehow to get their freaking song out of my head just once during one Christmas season. It’s brainwashing I tell you, it’s a government plot, and it’s infected generations of us into becoming Christmas junkies. And just so you know, that damn “Silent Night” is running a close second.
As I head back out into the snow to complete my shoveling I’ll be thinking of those two gentlemen as I’m slipping, sliding, falling, and humming that damn song. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Well today’s December 16th, leaving eight more shopping days till Christmas. I’ve been trying desperately to find a little more Christmas spirit but it’s been difficult. In years past I never bothered to make much of an effort because I didn’t care all that much.
My better-half has been doing her best to get me going and last night she decided a trip to Walmart was necessary. She seemed to think that if I listen to some Christmas music and check out some possible gifts, I’ll get that old feeling back. That included of course a cruise through the toy department looking for gifts for her new grandson who’s all of two months old.
We arrived with the best of intentions but as most of you know Walmart makes me crazy year-round not just at Christmas. The lunatic fringe was out in droves shopping their asses off and wearing Christmas outfits that were not only indescribable but worthy of immediate arrest for felony bad taste. I know one thing for sure, I’m not a big fan of the recent fad at Walmart of wearing pajamas pants to shop in. Not only is it a stupid thing to do but OMG could they find anything uglier to wear. I saw no less than five somewhat normal looking human beings wearing them and of course they were all women.
As we entered the Toy Department I suddenly found myself in a new and unfamiliar situation. I was being made to shop for a two month old child’s toys. Doesn’t my better-half realize that the new grand child is still trying to focus his eyes and to figure out what those five things are at the end of each of his arms. I decided to go along with it but immediately discovered what I mistake I’d made. OMG there were freaking toys as far as the eye could see. In the car I indicated that possibly a Lego set would be something to consider but there must have been a hundred freaking Lego sets filling two aisles. My head was spinning just trying to take it all in.
A short distance down the aisle were a young married couple and their child’s grandparents. They weren’t actually fighting but the discussion was a bit heated. If those four already experienced parents and grandparents couldn’t figure these things out, what chance did I have. That would be absolutely NONE. I went through the motions for another twenty minutes and we eventually left empty handed. Another twenty minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
As we left Walmart the unthinkable began happening. What’s Christmas without an effing snow storm. The radio weather experts tell me that by tomorrow we’ll have 6-10 inches of accumulation. Yippee! I think I’ll go home and find my snow shoveling gear and my magic shovel.
I’M SLOWLY SLIDING TOWARDS THE “I HATE CHRISTMAS” ZONE, HELP ME!
Today I’ve rejoined the Christmas parade with more tidbits of useless information collected for your entertainment. After reading some of these odd stories and facts you might think your own Christmas traditions are somewhat tame. First, we have a few facts about Christmas from around the world.
According to a 1995 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.
Charles Dickens’ initial choice for Scrooge’s statement "Bah Humbug" was "Bah Christmas."
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.
During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.
During the ancient 12-day Christmas celebration, the log burned was called the "Yule log". Sometimes a piece of the Yule log would be kept to kindle the fire the following winter, to ensure that the good luck carried on from year to year. The Yule log custom was handed down from the Druids.
In Britain, the Holy Days and Fasting Days Act of 1551, which has not yet been repealed, states that every citizen must attend a Christian church service on Christmas Day, and must not use any kind of vehicle to get to the service.
If I didn’t pique your interest with those facts then maybe these little stories will. Unfortunately even on Christmas people can and will do some of the dumbest things you can imagine. Be glad none of these folks are in your family.
Christmas Stupid
Late coming home after a night out, a youngster attempted to climb into his home down the chimney. He did not to want to wake other residents in the Judson Center social services agency; also he had broken his curfew and wanted no trouble.
In best Santa Claus mode he climbed onto the roof and let himself down the chimney; unfortunately he was too large, and he became stuck. The 17 year old began moaning and was heard and rescued. Fire fighters and police officers from the City of Royal Oak, Michigan, USA, had to pull him out. The youth suffered from minor scrapes and bruises.
Christmas Stupid On Steroids
1) This is a true story about John Porter, from New York State, whose pipes in his home froze one winter. Anxious to unfreeze them, Mr Porter backed his car up to an open window so that the exhaust would warm up the house. A little while later and Porter, his wife and their three children had to be rushed to hospital suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning.
2) George Gibbs, from Columbus, Ohio, suffered second-degree burns on his head. This is what happened one freezing cold winter morning. Unable to start his car, George diagnosed the problem as a frozen fuel line which he thought he could correct by running warm gas through it. He then tried to heat a two-gallon can of gas on his gas stove in the kitchen.
I can only assume that George became an immediate french fried A-hole. It’s really no surprise to any of us that stupid never takes a holiday. Now for a short visit to Japan for a lesson in Christmas romance. I hope you never end up as “unsold Christmas cake”.
Christmas Japanese Style
In Japan Christmas is widely celebrated as a day for romance, a day for sweet-hearts much like Valentine’s Day in other countries. Christmas cake is popular but it is a strawberry cream sponge with no traditional ingredients in sight.
The main Christmas dish is a popular fast food, fried chicken, as that is how a traditional Christmas meal is depicted in local advertising. Women of 25 years and older who are single are jokingly referred to as "unsold Christmas cake". Not very friendly think Will and Guy.
Note: Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.
Here’s my Christmas gift to all of you. A little Christmas humor to share with family and friends. These jokes and one-liners are so corny they just might make you smile a little.
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What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
- The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, ‘Did you get my drift?’
- Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.
- What is a webmaster’s favorite hymn? Oh, dot com all ye faithful!
- What do lions sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
- When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it’s adrift.
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How do snowmen get around? On their icicles.
- What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work? Dinner.
- What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? Santaclaustrophobia
NINE MORE SHOPPING DAYS
HO!, HO!, HO!
Lest I forget, there’s ten shopping days left until Christmas. I’m sorry but I need a break from all this depressing holiday cheer and greed. Today is the day when we start the really important countdown. It’s seven days until the Mayan seers decided that the world as we know it will end. Can you hear those thunderous foot steps creeping up behind you? I wasn’t taking the threat of total annihilation serious until last night when alleged celebrity, Joel McHale, announced that “The Soup” would be airing their Doomsday special next week. I mean if that doesn’t convince you then all hope for you is lost anyway. I think it’s really all about stealing the thunder from the History channel who has been beating this Doomsday drum for a year to increase their ratings.
I can picture it all now. Hundreds of alien ships shaped vaguely like enormous dildo’s will arrive over the earths cities on December 21. Out of these craft will march armies of aliens who look surprisingly like a mean and disgusting caricature of Danny Devito. Years ago I was reading a book on the Mayan religion and it struck me at the time how much the god “Cizin, "The Stinking One", looked like Devito. He was the god of earthquakes, suicides, human sacrifice, and was often depicted on pottery in the form of a dancing skeleton, holding a smoking cigarette.
So let me review our dire situation:
1. A few thousand Mayan primitives predict the end of days on December 21, 2012. They immediately run out and have a smoke and then sacrifice a few thousand of their citizens to celebrate their predictions.
2. Centuries later two American cable TV networks begin promoting this cataclysm for better ratings, then sneak outside for a smoke.
3. Then a few major TV networks begin discussing “The End” in a somewhat serious manner, then sneak into the restrooms for a cigarette.
4. Then millions of idiots around the globe take up the chant, Doom. . . Doom . . . Doom . . . Doom. You know, it’s only a matter of time before some of these loonies begin removing themselves the planet just after having one last smoke.
Is it just me or have we all missed the connection tying all of these events together. Cizin, the cigarette smoking god, has passed that filthy habit down through the ages with the eventual intent to end our existence once he’s returned and saved all of the surviving smokers from death and destruction.
The “non-smoking” interest groups had it partially right all along. Smoking would be the death of us all. First-hand smoke, second-hand smoke, tars, nicotine and a few million Danny Devito’s . . . Oh the horror!
I’m desperately trying to make light of this Doomsday crap which continues to be repeated and actually scares the bejesus out of some of the population. Young kids are especially effected by anything they see on TV as being the absolute truth. They need someone to tell them this is bullshit. And you’re very welcome. You also have way too many fringe-group holy-rollers out there who can’t wait for the end to come and I hope it does for them. I don’t like fanatics of any kind because extremists scare the crap out of me and history will back me up on that. Here are my helpful tips for December 21, 2012.
1. Stop smoking!
2. Stop listening to the the media in an attempt to find the truth.
3. Read more about the primitive, human sacrificing idiot Mayans, to learn the truth about them. They were so smart they couldn’t find a way to survive as a civilization. They were effing geniuses, right?
One last thing before I go. I have a extremely hard time taking seriously any organized religion but any religion that has one of their gods puffing on a cigarette has no credibility. I’ve got to go now, I’m making reservations for dinner and a night out on December 22 with my better-half. It’s the “I Survived Another Apocalypse” celebration and there could be free T-shirts too!
Are you depressed about Christmas yet? Are you beginning to feel run down from all the shopping, the kids pestering about gifts, and all of the hoop-la we’ve come to expect? Me too!
With that in mind I’m going to make an exception today. Instead of my normal bitching about Christmas, the holidays in general, or crowded stores and malls, I’ve decided to cheer everyone up with a little non-dirty Christmas humor. If you like corn (that’s CORN not PORN) then this will cheer you right up. These jokes are so corny I’m certain your kids, if they’re young enough, will enjoy them. If they’re older that seven all you’ll receive for telling these jokes is a rolling of the eyes and shake of the head.
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery Merry Christmas!
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home ?
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger… !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithful … !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Igloo
Igloo who ?
Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie… !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas
Those jokes were so bad I’m almost ashamed to have posted them. Those were the jokes for the little ones, now it’s time for a few for the adults. First for the women out there. Why Christmas Trees are better than Men:
MEN vs CHRISTMAS TREES
- A Christmas tree is always erect.
- Even small ones give satisfaction.
- A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
- A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
- A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
- A Christmas tree has cute balls.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date.
- You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year
I don’t want you men out there to feel left out so here are your reasons why a Christmas Tree is better than a woman.
WOMEN vs CHRISTMAS TREES
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
- Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
I guess that’s enough stupid humor for today. I have to ration it out carefully until Christmas because I wouldn’t want any of you rushed to the hospital with your “sides splitting”. HO! HO! HO!
I’ve never been accused of being overly sentimental but on a number of occasions I’ve been told by friends and family members that I was anti-Santa and had no Christmas spirit. I never took those kinds of criticisms to heart because I know they weren’t always factual. Unless you’ve been in an intimate relationship with someone you just can”t honestly make those kind of assumptions or so I thought.
Since it’s the Christmas season and everyone is alleged to be happy and jolly I thought I would pass some of my happy and jolly along to the rest of you to explain those terrible but true accusations.
I was accused many years ago of being a Bah Humbug and a holiday hater. Unfortunately at that time I was. I worked during at that time for a national toy company and Christmas was considered our life blood, it was a freaking nightmare. We began planning for Christmas in early June every year and it was the constant drumbeat every effing day until the following January. It lasted until January because that was when all of the phony people returned the so-so gifts they were given because they sucked and they just wanted cash. I worked there for thirteen long, long, long, Christmas seasons.
Normal people spend approximately one month a year with the holidays constantly on their minds and almost all of them are exhausted in January and glad to have them over with for another year. So in my thirteen years with the Child World\/Children’s Palace chain I was blessed with effing Christmas cheer for a total of 104 months. For you math majors in the audience that equates to over a century of Christmases that I’ve been blessed with. Red and green ribbons, gifts, toys, pissed off customers, bratty little shits, drunken Santa’s, and a long stream of six day work weeks. You bet your ass I hated Christmas. My skin would actually crawl when I heard Silent Night or Deck the Freaking Halls.
I don’t remember most Februaries during that time because I was asleep. It took me until April to get back to normal just in time to begin preparations for the next Christmas. It was a Holly Jolly hell and I felt I was being punished for something awful I did in another life. I’d been convinced by karma that I was at one time, some where, in another life, a no good bastard whose was still paying for all of his misdeeds.
Now to the present. I still suffer through Christmas but every once in a while I feel a stab of sentimentality. When my better-half runs crazily through the house wearing stupid reindeer antlers or when her kids show up unexpectedly to surprise her with a Christmas visit, I feel the love. This year will be extra special and I’m already feeling the tug on my heart strings for the new grand child. To me Christmas has always been for the young children. Having this new young family member will most certainly keep the true spirit of Christmas alive for us for many years to come.
So to you all, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a great big BAH HUMBUG from me.
I’m feeling a little more upbeat today and I think my shopping trip yesterday may have helped a bit. I was searching diligently for my missing Christmas spirit and just when I found a little of it I lost it again immediately. An hour or two in a crowded mall getting elbowed and pushed around by damn near everyone can make that happen. People are scurrying everywhere and willing to kick your ass to get at something they want before you do. I was feeling non-combative so I stayed out of the line of fire and attempted to shop in a few stores. It does appear that common courtesy goes right out the window when it comes to Christmas shopping, especially in this Mall.
I should mention, this was the Mall that fired their Santa Clause last week because he was rude to the kids and their parents. A rude Santa in this Mall seems to me to be the ultimate irony. They should set up a kiosk here somewhere selling copies of the “Bad Santa” movie. I’m sure it would be a huge hit with all these intolerant and rude people roaming around. It’s ironic as hell that rude shoppers from this Mall caused the Santa to be fired for being rude. How utterly stupid.
I stood in Best Buy for the longest time trying to find an associate to help me but I wasn’t pissed about the wait since the place was a freaking zoo. Bad economy be damned as I watched IPods, IPads, tablets, and anything else you can think of going out the door in huge numbers. I’ve heard rumors that Best Buy has been having difficulties in this economy and closed stores that were unprofitable. In my humble opinion they’re just a showroom for all of those Internet companies like Amazon. You go on line and find the item you want. You then run to Best Buy, check out the item and get your questions answered, and then return home to order it on line where the price is cheaper. They have their work cut out for them if they want to survive as a viable company.
I went to the Mall office and attempted to fill out an application for the currently vacant position of Santa. No one took me seriously which really hurt my feelings. I explained that I have the unusual ability to tell parents and their kids to “piss off” without actually saying it. A smile and a pat on the head and off they go. They don’t realize they’ve been insulted until after they return home and even then they’re not really sure. My secret dream of being Santa just wasn’t meant to be. I’m going to try again next year after I spend a full year honing my rudeness skills to a level that will permit me to survive amongst the customers here.
HO!, HO!, EFFING HO!
I think today will be designated as “OMG I’m So Effing Bored Day”. I have an industrial strength case of the blah’s and a total lack of interest in just about everything. Since this blog has been officially christened “Every Useless Thing”, I should build on that. There are times when mind-numbing bullshit is necessary to help clear away the cob webs, to give me the ability to turn off the freaking cell phone, to stay at home away from the world, and chill.
Did you know that:
“PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS”
is the longest technical word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. It is a type of lung disease. If that little tidbit of BS doesn’t set off your snooze alarm then there’s something wrong and you need to seek professional help.
Try this one:
Showers account for 32% of home water usage.
Someone who feels much as I do today took time out of his boring ass life to do that research. Are you properly impressed, I doubt it.
Here’s another:
People who collect Teddy Bears are archtophilists.
Or this:
In ballet, a male dancer is called a danseur.
That’s real shocking piece of useless trivia. What the hell else would they be called. Are you snoring yet? Give me a few more minutes. Try this one on for size:
The small intestine is longer than the large intestine.
It only gets worse from here:
When humans are at rest, 15% of their blood is in their brains.
The lesson learned from that fact is that no matter what men tell you, this is the truth of things. Let’s continue.
Sexual intercourse between chimpanzees lasts, on average, 3 seconds.
And you ladies out there thought your high school boyfriends were bad. It just goes to show the dumber you are the quicker you succumb. I could continue on like this for hours but as I said earlier I’m effing bored today so I’ll do one more then stop.
In the State of Arizona it’s illegal to keep more than 2 dildo’s in your house.
Reason number 355 why you don’t ever want to live there. Well, this has been a barrel of laughs but I’m done. Tomorrow’s is definitely another day.
The Maryland trip is now a thing of the past. We returned home last night after eight and a half wonderful hours in the car. As predicted my better-half was hung over and slept a great deal of the time. No Christmas carol singing, no annoying driving tips, and no blaring music. It was absolute heaven.
But have no fear, it wasn’t all good. Let me take you on a trip back to fifteenth century France. In those days the citizenry were permitted to use the roads in the country only with the King’s blessing. Every so often while traveling through the country side they might be ambushed by groups of highwaymen who took their money and jewels and disappeared into the woods. If they were wealthy they might have hired extra security to ride along with them for protection from such ruffians. It was a primitive system but it worked well for the rich. In those days the poor were lucky to have a two wheeled cart to get around on. It was mostly on foot since the cost to travel couldn’t be afforded by the great unwashed.
Aren’t we lucky to live in this century with all of our modern technologies to make our lives so much better than those poor schmucks from the past? We don’t have highwaymen to worry about because we now have toll booths. It’s not just the King’s men reaching out of those booths but every petty little dictatorship along the way takes their share as well. The Kings of Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Maine have now made it even more painful to have our money stolen. Thievery thy name is “Easy Pass”. Now the highwaymen have made it possible to take our money and never having to dirty their hands by touching it.
My trip consisted of just over a thousand miles round-trip. I won’t even get into gas prices and the taxes they’ve been loaded up with. My grand total of tolls to make that trip to visit family was just under one hundred dollars. The most “in your face” toll goes to who else but New York. Thirteen freaking dollars to ride over a fucking bridge. Pardon the bad language but only an F-bomb aptly describes how I felt handing over that money. Let’s make it easy for you math whizzes, 1000 mile trip with $100.00 in tolls. I find it incredible that I’m being strong-armed into paying ten cents an effing mile to travel on roads I’ve already paid my hard earned taxes to build and maintain. Then they have the nerve at every Rest Area to try and sell me an Easy Pass transponder. I guess they feel if we don’t actually have to take it out of our wallet and hand it directly to a toll taker it won’t hurt quite so much. Wrong again geniuses.
I hear a lot of people talking about secession and revolution these days and I’m beginning to understand why. It seems that this country has started down a really ugly road. Just remember that “Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it." The younger generations have been educated to hate this country and to ignore it’s history. Here’s something they can’t ignore, “Taxation without representation is tyranny.” It was a slogan of our past revolutionary fight and could be again if we’re not careful.
The cherry on top of the trip occurred at a McDonalds rest stop at the New York/Connecticut border. I was starving and needed gas so we stopped for a quick break. In my younger days my perfect woman would have been one who was attractive, worked at a fast food chain (free food), and smelled like greasy hamburgers and french fries. I’m here to tell you those days are officially over. The girl at the register and the entire facility fulfilled all of my past fantasies and then some. I arrived home a few hours later and had to take a long shower to get the smell of grease off my body. Of course this morning I could still taste that greasy hamburger and had the heart burn to prove it and it was steal at seven bucks. Another New York bargain.
It was a fun weekend for us both if we can forget the travel there and back. I’m sooooo glad to be home.
Our whirlwind weekend is just about over and hopefully we’ll be on the road back to Maine in an hour or so. Luckily I bailed out on the party early so I would be rested for the drive back. I suspect my drive back will be much quieter than the ride down. My better-half will be recuperating from last nite for at least two or three hours.
It was all-in-all a fun weekend and a great way to kick off the rest of the holidays. Now it’s back to Maine and some good old winter weather. It was close to sixty degrees yesterday and that just isn’t right. I need a little frost on my pumpkin in the second week of December.
Back to normal blogging tomorrow once we get this drive out of the way.
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