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Reality decided to return today and help me rid myself of all remaining holiday cheer. I just returned to the house after attempting to snow-blow approximately 10 inches of snow off the damn driveway. Being the smart fellow I thought I was, I bought a new snow blower two months ago. Mother Nature can’t get me this year! No sir! Why am I never right about these things.
I fired up the snow blower, pushed it out into the snow, plowed about ten feet and saw that my left tire was flat. I hadn’t touched the damn thing since it was delivered from Lowes and never thought to check the tires. There’s no doubt I’m going to pay for that bit of negligence. First thing, I’m going back out and try to use the snow blower even though one tire won’t cooperate. I shall return . . . .
Well that wasn’t much fun. Not being well versed in using a snow blower with two wheels it took a while for me to get the hang of operating it with just one. Unfortunately as I made my first turn through the snow I forgot to disengage the thrower. I shot about 200 lbs of snow directly into my garage onto my car. Lesson #1 was check the damn tires. Lesson #2 was close the damn garage door when your outside playing with the snow blower. I don’t think I’ll be able to use the snow blower again with just the one tire, it’s too difficult. It’s still snowing like hell and I’m going to be forced to dig out the old trusty snow shovel to do the rest of this. Let me tell you that just sucks. Back outside one more time . . . .
Well I was able to clean up the driveway a bit more but at the rate it’s snowing I’ll out there a few more times before morning. This is what I get for wishing for a White Christmas. I really hoped I’d never be forced to unretire that snow shovel. Karma, thou art a vicious bitch.
The final report shows 16 inches of snow, two sore arms, two sore legs, one sore back, and one flat tire. Just great, right?
With New Years Eve on the horizon a decision has to be made as to how we’ll be celebrating it. The days of drunken carousing have long since passed for us both but those their memories are still nice to have. Each year I scratch my head about what we should do and then we end up procrastinating and doing nothing at all. Over the next few days I’m sure to have a discussion or two with my better-half on what she thinks we should do. I’m already preparing myself for that discussion by gathering information to help my cause.
I’m going to argue as eloquently as I can that dinner, a couple of chick flicks, and a visit from her daughter and grandson isn’t going to get it done this year. I’d like to have a few friends over for drinks, food, games, movies, or whatever. If they drink too much we’ll turn the house into a B & B for the night and I’ll cook breakfast for the survivors in the morning. The chances of getting my way are about 60/40 if I’m lucky.
We have a few days left before the big day so I’ll have to be my sneaky self and start planning my secret mission. Subtle hints about not being alone for New Years. Casual questions about how some of our friends are celebrating the holiday and a few “Oh, that sounds so boring, I feel bad for them”. More subtle questions about how lonely some of our friends will be with their children off celebrating elsewhere. I’ll drop a few coupons around the house from the Party Place filled with money-saving offers for stupid party hats and noise makers. Then I’ll dig into my bag of fireworks hidden on the porch and leave a few laying around where they’ll be noticed. Then I’ll let all of those things start to mix and mingle in her pretty little head and Ta Da . . . . we’ll have a New Years party and it’ll be her idea.
Pretty damn cool if I do say so myself. I’m sure she won’t be able to resist coupons. She’s a grade A shopaholic with a serious need to use every coupon she ever sees. It’s like hooking a big fish and then just reeling it in. I have a hidden stash of coupons for all occasions and places and I’m telling you they’ll accomplish more for me than they’d ever do for her. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!
The campaign begins this afternoon when she arrives home from work. I’ll be sure to report the results.
This may be the best Christmas morning I’ve ever had. My better-half with help from my nagging stayed in bed until ten o’clock. We left the bedroom only for calls from Mother Nature and to refill our coffee mugs. We laid there like two fat, dumb, and happy morons celebrating the fact that the holiday was over for us. It was lightly snowing at the time but by days end we had our traditional White Christmas. I think we could have stayed in that warm and toasty bed all day but my better-half had her engine running early and was getting a bit antsy. She forced me from the bed and the room which kind of “harshed my Christmas morning buzz” a bit. Dammit!
For most of the day we were on the phones, on the computers, or on the IPads wishing good cheer to the whole damn planet. She spent a few hours reviewing all of the photographs that she’d taken over the holiday (about 600), erasing the bad, and burning the good to CD’s for other family members. It was still a lazy and relaxing day, it was great.
It took me a little longer than I thought to clear the Christmas debris from the house because I was busy eating goodies left over from last night. I’ll tell you right now, it’s going to take me a few months to get rid of all this Christmas cheer that showed up just north of my belt buckle. We had a quiet dinner, just the two of us, where we devoured a rib roast that was to die for. Fat and sassy after the meal we repaired to the living room for movie night.
Here’s my take on the movies we watched. Katherine Heigl in ‘One for the Money’ wasn’t too shabby. She was supposed to be a bounty hunter which took a real stretch of my imagination to believe but then seeing her semi-nude made it almost worth the wait. I give it a C+ for story, B- for nudity.
Then we fired up the movie (using the term loosely) ‘Horrible Bosses’. It was well named because it was really horrible. How anyone convinced Kevin Spacey and Jennifer Anniston to even consider being in it was beyond me. Dumb, and Dumber meets Police Squad. I give it an F- for story and an A- for nudity when I got to see a little more of brunette Jen than ever before. Trust me, if anyone tries to give you a gift of that movie, give it back, and remove them from your list of friends. Just freaking awful.
The better-half was in bed early with a 4:00 am wakeup call looming. I found it necessary to stay up for a while longer and to kick Tiger Woods ass in an eighteen hole X-box tournament. It felt good to crawl into bed finally and to put another Christmas behind us.
Onward to New Years and 2013.
It’s finally Christmas Day. I’m still lounging around in bed and I plan on staying here as long as humanly possible. We had a great holiday celebration last night and the kids and their new son are now on their way to northern Maine to celebrate with his family. Snow has started and I’m sure we can expect quite a few inches over the next two days. I hope they get there safely.
Last night was fun with really excellent food and great company. We drank liberally, ate shrimp until we couldn’t eat anymore, and even got in a few hands of cutthroat Hearts. I suffered an embarrassing alcohol induced loss that I’ll never hear the end of.
The new grandson behaved like a little angel. Except for a couple of feeding trips to Mom he slept the entire evening. I was strong-armed into wearing a ridiculous red Santa shirt with matching hat and was officially dubbed a member of the Santa Helper’s Brigade. It was the baby’s first Christmas and my first time being Santa. There were enough really embarrassing pictures taken with the baby to haunt me for years to come.
I have to say we all received everything we could have ever wanted and then some. I probably won’t have any meaningful conversations any time soon with my better-half since she’s huddled over in the corner taking sweetly and softly to her new IPad. Now she won’t give me so much grief about paying more attention to my IPad than to her.
It may take a better part of the day to clean up the wrapping debris that seems to be everywhere. We heard the cat a number of times through the night rummaging through wrapping paper and having a great old time. He even received a few gifts which he appears to like a lot. He now has two mechanical mice to chase through the house when he becomes bored with playing with us.
We’re both looking forward to a lazy day of relaxation and a really nice standing rib roast for our dinner this evening. All in all it was a great holiday and well worth the time spent in preparing for it.
We hope yours was the same.
The countdown is at two days. In 48 hours I can stop writing about all of this Christmas happiness for another year. Today was a continuation of our traditions in the preparation for Christmas eve dinner. We’ll get together around mid-day to relax a while, watch some X-mas movies, and generally enjoy each others company.
Our Christmas dinner is to be a little untraditional and will be served in the early afternoon. The menu is varied and consists of a pot full of (clean & eat) shrimp, vegetable platters with dips, and crescent rolls filled with jalapenos and cheese. Next a sheet of walnuts wrapped with dates, then wrapped in bacon strips and broiled until crispy. Yum! Other scrumptious desserts and high calorie goodies will follow because “pigging out” is required to show proper appreciation and respect for the chef.
Today requires running errands to collect of all the items and their ingredients needed for tomorrow. We were up early and on our way to IHOP for a hot and filling breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast and coffee. We took our time eating in order for our next stop to be open for business. A short leisurely ride to the Portland docks to buy a few pounds of a shrimp fresh off the boat. Thank God it was high tide which helps keep that wonderful Christmas harbor smell from wafting over the city.
Another quick stop for a bottle of really good French brandy, a few groceries, and were on our way back home. This is the best part of Christmas for both of us. She turns on her Christmas carols nice and loud and begins to preheat the oven for the baking marathon to follow. She’s trying something new this year, an apple and raspberry tart, which I’m really looking forward to. Calories be damned, it’s freaking Christmas.
The kitchen is smelling wonderful, the tree looks great, and the brandy is even better than I’d hoped. Things are looking good for tonight and tomorrow will be even better.
Three shopping days left. Are you finished with your preparations yet? This posting was my valiant attempt to find a culture that celebrates Christmas in the most traditional fashion. That being said you should also be aware that my better-half was born Ohhhh so may years ago in Corpus Christy, TX and is extremely proud of her Texas upbringing. Corpus Christi is just a stones throw from Mexico so the Mexican influences are deeply ingrained in her. One of the things I initially loved about her was her passion for all things Mexican since I love hot food and many of their traditions. Since we’ve been together I’ve eaten more Mexican food than most actual Mexicans. Years ago my favorite snack was potato chips but that has long since changed. It’s now tortilla chips covered in cheese and slices of jalapenos. My repertoire of Mexican dishes has been greatly expanded and there are times when I’m begging for a traditional American home cooked meal.
I’ve always been a huge fan of hot peppers and extra super hot salsa but she’s taken me to whole new level. I go for weeks at a time where my mouth never stops burning and I won’t even mention the other things that burn regularly as well. I hear reports that people who regularly eat hot and spicy food are healthier and have less of a chance of heart attack. That might be BS but if it’s true I should live to be two hundred.
It’s time for a visit to Mexico and a look at their Christmas traditions. The Mexican people seem to have a rich religious tradition for their Christmas celebrations which is something that been lost in many parts of this country. The Nine Days of Posadas is a perfect example.
The celebrations begin nine days before Christmas and include a reenactment of Mary and Joseph’s search for lodging in Bethlehem. Neighborhood families take turns hosting a night at their home. At each home, visitors will chant asking for lodging as they carry an image of Mary and Joseph with candles. After three such stops, a family will be let in to join that household in saying the Rosary, singing holiday songs, and a nightly party for the children complete with a piñata that will be filled with fruit and other treats. Nine days of visiting and fun especially for the kids.
Noche Buena (Christmas Eve) most families attend a midnight mass, followed by a dinner at home which makes for a very late meal. They then place an image of the baby Jesus into the Nativity.
In most Mexican families, Christmas itself is celebrated not with gifts as in other cultures. Instead, Christmas in Mexico is more about being with family and eating, eating, eating, than with gift giving.
Gifts are exchanged in Mexico on January 6th, which is called Día de los reyes, or Kings’ Day. And they’re delivered by none other than the Three Wise Men themselves. Children place their shoes near a window so the Magi can leave a gift and many children actually receive new shoes. Some Mexican families also have a Christmas tree but that is an individual families preference.
The Poinsettia is a common Christmas decoration. This beautiful plant is native to Mexico and unlike in most of the world, in Mexico the poinsettia is not simply decorative, it has been used for thousands of years in Mexican folk remedies.
Many Mexican families will have an egg bread wreath, called a rosca de reyes. Usually, this bread wreath also features a small, baked-in representation of the Baby Jesus. This wreath is also then used in the celebration of Candlemas on February 2nd and whoever gets the piece of bread bearing the image of Baby Jesus must care for it the whole year until the next Christmas celebration.
On February 2nd the family puts the Nativity scene carefully back into its holding and then enjoys a meal of tamales which marks the official end of the Nativity season.
All in all I think the Mexican approach to Christmas is rich and meaningful and something we can all learn from. I understand that the food is to die for and includes such traditional dishes as Mexican Spiked Cider served with tamales on the side. It is sometimes called "Ponche con Piquete" (punch with sting), which can be as simple as a big simmering pot of cider to which rum and spices are added.
My other favorite would be Sweet Rice Pudding (Arroz con Leche). It’s simple to make and very, very tasty.
There you have it. An old style Christmas approach with a large religious component. While I’m not all that religious myself their approach takes me back to my early years when my family’s approach to Christmas was of a similar nature.
Maybe next year we can take some of the Mexican traditions and mix them with our own. We’ve already collected a number of strings of red chili pepper Christmas lights. It could get interesting and I’m sure I’ll let you know how it goes.
Three more shopping days till Christmas. With that in mind I’d like to explain a few unforeseen consequences of living in Maine at this time of the year. This state teems with thousands of great white hunters who like nothing better than combing the woods in an attempt to kill something and eat it. As you can tell, I’m no hunter. I was born and raised in an area much like Maine, western Pennsylvania, where hunting is considered something of a religious experience. Most of my family were hunters and the king of all hunting was my father. Thank God for my nephew who took my place at an early age to accompany my dad on his hunting forays. I could never see the point since the taste of wild game just didn’t appeal to me.
At this time of the year the exchange of gifts is a tradition but in Maine it takes an unusual turn. Some of our more common Christmas gifts are cheese logs, meat logs, and moose logs. Nothing says Christmas like a twenty pound package of moose meat or squirrel filets but it still creeps me out just talking about them. A few weeks ago in an attempt to find other unique and delicious Maine specialties, I instead found these.
Beaver Butt Pie
All that you’ll need to get started with this nutritious and holiday related meal is a big fat beaver willing to give up his paddle and his innards. Simply lay the beaver paddle on the bottom of a pie shell, cover it with the preheated and stinky innards, sprinkle some brown sugar on top, and bake in an preheated oven at 350-degrees for 45 minutes. Add some fragrant pine fronds and a nice red Christmas ribbon and there you go. Ready for the family table.
Teriyaki Marinated Moose Lips
What could be more festive than cooking a bag of moose lips on the grill with a light snow falling in the moonlight. All you need to prepare moose lips are a dozen pair of lips, ordered from Amazon, two quarts of teriyaki sauce, and a hot and ready grill. Roast and season to taste. It’s a Christmassy lip-smacking snack to munch on as you watch the annual showing of “A Christmas Story”.
Coyote Sauce
Imported Maine coyote is a local delicacy but available now through internet sites for a pittance. If your outdoorsy all you need is a .22 rifle, a little patience, and BANG. Add a little gelatin to the broth that you cooked the coyote in and Well-La, the perfect addition to a Christmas turkey dinner as a side dish to replace cranberry sauce.
I know your mouths must be watering after reading and picturing these Maine delicacies but never fear, maybe next year some of our northernmost citizens will make all of these meals available through mail order for you to enjoy with your loved ones. You may not be able to visit Maine but we can bring the true Maine holiday spirit right to your door for a modest price. It’s only right that we share our overabundance of critters with as many people as possible. Also, we can use the money.
Bon Appetite and Merry Christmas
(Sarcasm Off)
Today has been the most excited I’ve been in weeks. All of our Christmas preparations are finally completed. Everything is purchased, wrapped, baked, decorated, and it only took two months. All that work, effort, and thought invested into one 24 hour period after which we get to pack it all up for another year. Are we all that nuts? Don’t answer that, it was rhetorical.
You would think a huge sigh of relief would be in order but Nooooooooooooo! My better-half is what you might call an obsessive planner and her whole life revolves around tasks and their completion. She has a driving need to be working around the clock to feel any sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately some of that craziness often spills over onto me. I’m just the opposite. In my world if my tasks are complete, it’s time for a comfortable chair, a hot toddy, and a few hours of relaxation.
I was advised last evening as we were baby-sitting the new grandson who seemed to be enjoying himself a great deal by crapping his pants, throwing up on my better-half, and screaming at the top of his lungs, that on Saturday night we would be taking a Christmas pilgrimage to Portland, Maine. We could walk along Commercial Street, romantically hand-in-hand, to window shop, people watch, and quite likely stop at Three Dollar Dewey’s for a beer or two. I think she’s trying to establish some new Christmas traditions for just the two of us.
It’s important for her for some reason that we make a mandatory stop at Mexicali Blues (again with her Mexican fixation), a shop full of incense, do-dads, and New Age thing-a-ma-bobs. I normally prefer walking along Commercial street when the weather’s warm and I’m wearing a T-shirt and shorts. Not so much in winter clothing with piles of snow and slush everywhere. You should also be aware that since Commercial street is located along the water adjacent to Portland harbor that nothing says Christmas like the harbor smell during low tide.
After an hour or two of hoofing it up and down the street, we’ll be in and out of stores that I would never visit on my own. When we’re finished with the grand tour we can return to our car and hopefully not find a gift from the Portland PD meter maids, a $25.00 dollar parking ticket.
Next we’re scheduled to take a short ten minute ride to her favorite place in Maine and the world. The Great Lost Bear, a tavern and restaurant, located on Congress street in Portland. She requires quarterly pilgrimages to this bar because of their massive collection of beers from all over the world. They’ll stuff us with some of the hottest chicken wings you could ever possibly eat, a few needed drinks, and then send us on our way. Hopefully we make it home without hitting any sobriety checkpoints, being arrested for a DUI, or having our car towed.
If we complete all of that without incident we’ll have had a wonderful time and finally be able to settle in and wait for Christmas Day to arrive. I’ll then be patiently waiting for the next twelve months so we can do it all over again now that it’s an official family tradition. After all it’s freaking Christmas.
Everyone these days is constantly harping for me to partake of this festival celebrating the birth of Christ. Just to let most of you know, I’m what I would call a recovering Catholic. I was baptized and confirmed against my will at a young age but was able to distance myself over the next few decades. I feel I’ve gained a better perspective of things and since I’ve never rejoined the church you may consider me a righteous religious independent.
That explains my position towards organized religion and the related holidays they claim as their own. In an attempt to be fair I decided to do a little research into Christmas to determine if it was the actual birthday of Jesus Christ. It didn’t take terribly long to find out that December 25th is not the correct date of the birth but one selected by the Catholic Church to compete with certain other pagan celebrations that also took place in December. As best I could determine the actual season of Jesus’s birth was thought to be sometime in the spring. The church in its infinite wisdom took the same approach to scheduling that holiday as they do in handling everything else. They make it church doctrine regardless of the facts and their billions of believers follow right along.
In the early years of the American colonies, Christmas was considered a pagan festival and wasn’t too well received by the colonists. There was even a time between 1659 and 1681 in Massachusetts where anyone caught celebrating Christmas would be fined five shillings. Our current war on Christmas and religion led by our socialist friends at the ACLU pales in comparison to that carried on by our colonist forefathers.
I think my problem of developing a true Christmas spirit has finally been solved. I dislike the materialistic style of Christmas that many people celebrate these days and I’ve always disliked anything forced on me by any organized religion but the pagan holidays I think I can get on board with.
I’d make a great pagan. I love really big bonfires, and long’s slinky robes, and even the occasional orgy or two. Say what you want about those pagans, they really know how to party. I’m sure there are many pagans in this country who maintain a really low profile due to all of the hateful and discriminatory things said about them over the years by the Christians. I truly feel their pain and still don’t understand why “we all can’t just get along”. Special thanks to Rodney King for that quote, he was always my hero and role model.
So take heart all you pagans, stand up, be recognized, and be proud of your rich heritage. I think next year I’m going to start a campaign for the creation of a new holiday where all of those people who feel disenfranchised by their organized religions can jump on board my pagan bandwagon. We’ll have Christmas trees but just so we can set them on fire because everyone knows it’s no fun to dance and frolic naked in the dark. I also hear that dancing naked around bonfires in December can be a bit hazardous. The pagans report a huge increase in frostbite occurrences during the holidays, so be careful out there.
I’m starting to get that old tingle of holiday cheer again. You just never know when you’re going stumble into a genuine religious epiphany. It’s a freaking Christmas miracle and I’ve been saved.
The Christmas season has taken an unusual and unexpected turn. I’m all for enjoying our local traditions but never in a million years did I expect to have an Indian Christmas. That’s Indian with a dot on the forehead not the Apache’s or Iroquois.
I mentioned yesterday we were were in the process of receiving between eight and ten inches of fresh, lovely, and white snow. A magnificent White Christmas was upon us. Wrong again. What I wasn’t expecting was the three inches of rain that followed and the four foot deep flooded backyard. It’s monsoon season here in Maine and nobody told me it was coming. Our White Christmas has been washed away leaving the gray and dismal landscape that no one wants to see. I suppose that a Christmas day that was to be filled with those holiday films that my better-half loves so much will be replaced by a few selections of Bollywood favorites. How about Lage Raho Munna Bhai a perennial favorite or Chala Murari Hero Banne, a real lover of dance toe tapper.
Maybe I’ll have my better-half dress in a pair of harem pants and do a dance for me before dinner around the Christmas tree. That would certainly surprise, please, and possibly frighten our visiting family members. It would also give excellent photo opportunities for next years family Christmas card. I have to say that with proper lighting and the camera at just the right angle she could be mistaken for a somewhat older version of Aishwarya Rai. Whatever you do don’t tell her I said that because her ego’s already over inflated.
Enough of my ramblings. We’re off for our final shopping safari to pick up a few last minute gifts. Just when I thought I was finished with this craziness I’m dragged back into it by the obsessed Christmas elf. Hopefully sometime this morning she will just run out of money. That would be nothing short of spectacular.
I’m having a good day so far. No Christmas carols playing in my head and no Christmas movies on the tube. Unfortunately I have the song O Womaniya running through my brain. It’s a special and popular selection from that Bollywood blockbuster, Gangs of Wasseypur. I really need to go to bed earlier and to stay away from that Indian movie channel.
Six more shopping days until Christmas. I’ll need to pick up a box of ‘diyas’ to keep my Indian Christmas theme alive. For those you who don’t know, ‘diyas’ are small candles used for decorating the home during Indian Christmas celebrations. Goodbye for now.
Christmas Ki Khushiyan Mubarak Ho
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