Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
I have to admit I’m a bit of a “foodie”. At one time I was confident that the food systems in the United States were closely inspected. That was until I began learning additional facts that left me wondering what I’ve actually been eating. We are a country of laws (too many for sure) but these food facts are disturbing for me.
- Ground pepper must contain fewer than 475 insect fragments per 50 grams.
- No more than two rodent hairs, or 29 gnawed kernels, can be shipped in a pound of popcorn.
- Frozen peaches may contain up to 3% wormy or moldy fruit.
- Shelled peanuts must have fewer than 20 whole insects in a 100-pound bag.
- Canned pineapple cannot contain more than 20% moldy fruit pieces.
- Chocolate must contain fewer than 60 insect fragments per 100 grams, and no more than one rodent hair.
Here are a few additional food trivia facts.
- In China, the most popular use of Ketchup is as a condiment for fried chicken.
- The top-selling candy in the United States are M&Ms. Candy was invented in 1941 and named after its two inventors, Forrest E. Mars and R. Bruce Murrie. They debuted in 1954.
- The Haribo company produces roughly 100,000,000 gummy bears per day. If all of the gummy bears produced in a year were laid head-to-paw they would circle the earth four times.
- Each year Americans spend $9 billion dollars on candy.
- Out of each dollar spent at a movie theater’s concession stand, roughly $.85 is pure profit.
EAT UP
ENJOY YOUR BUG PARTS AND RODENT HAIR
Unfortunately, the word “Greed” is used to describe our country by many foreigners and also from many of our own citizens. I can’t say that I disagree because in too many cases it’s absolutely true. “Money is the root of all evil” immediately comes to mind when I hear that word. It’s not something we should be proud of but “It is what it is.” I thought today I would examine the statements made by an assortment of well-off persons who are well enough known to be quoted in publications. For those of you out there who are not rich let me inform you.
- “People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.” Peter Sellers
- “Time is money.” Ben Franklin
- “Money isn’t everything as long as you have enough.” Malcolm Forbes
- “It isn’t enough for you to love money – it’s also necessary that money should love you”. Baron James D Rothschild
- “If I had my life to live over again, I’d be a $30 a week librarian.” Andrew Carnegie
🤑🤑🤑
- “In some ways, a millionaire just can’t win. If he spends too freely, he is criticized for being extravagant and ostentatious. If, on the other hand, he lives quietly and thriftily, the same people who would have criticized him for being profligate will call him a miser.” J. Paul Getty
- “There is always the question. You wonder if people like you for you or the inevitable disturbing question: Are they after something?” Mary Leah Johnson (heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune)
- “The best reason to read about the very rich, of course, is to be reassured that money cannot buy happiness and indeed, often seems to buy trouble.” Maureen Dowd
- “As a cousin of mine once said about money, money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.” Gertrude Stein
- “Money talks. The more money, the louder it talks.” Arnold Rothstein
One final thought, a quote from my late down-to-earth father concerning money. It’s as true today as it was fifty years ago when I first heard him say it:
“MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS!”
As I’ve stated many times before I’m not a fan of any organized religion. I’ve given my reasons for feeling that way many times and won’t bore you with the details again. It seems that I’m not totally alone in those feelings as reflected by the following statements made by people of note. Read on!
- “A Christian is one who follows the teaching of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.” Ambrose Bierce
- “I don’t believe in God because I don’t believe in Mother Goose.” Clarence Darrow
- “Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.” Lenny Bruce
- “So far as religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake – Religion is bunk.” Thomas Edison
- “When a man is free of religion, has a better chance to live a normal and wholesome life.” Sigmund Freud
- “The Bible is nothing, but a succession of civil rights struggles by the Jewish people against their oppressors.” Jesse Jackson
- “I do believe our Army chaplains, taken as a class, are the worst men we have in our service.” Abraham Lincoln
- “The Creator is a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.” H. L. Mencken
- “I think there is an immense shortage of Christian charity among so-called Christians.” Harry S Truman
- “The Catholic faith is confession on Saturday. Absolution on Sunday. At it again on Monday.” H.G. Wells
I’m not preaching with this post because that would be somewhat hypocritical. It’s just nice to hear from others who agree with my beliefs. Too many Christians have been less than kind in their criticisms of my opinions on religion. Here’s my quote for today.
“Have a great week and best wishes from a “Recovering Catholic”.
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
I’m not a lover of celebrities because in all cases they are as flawed and screwed up as the rest of us. Being famous just makes their activities even worse than what they actually are because the media just won’t let go of things. Here are a few celebrity facts that most of you should find interesting. As I’m told so often, “everyone loves celebrities”. Well almost everyone.
- In 2006, William Shatner was paid $25,000.00 by an online casino for a kidney stone he had recently passed.
- Charlie Chapin once placed third in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
- Martha Stewart once dated actor Anthony Hopkins but dumped him because she couldn’t separate him from Hannible Lecter, his character in Silence of the Lambs.
- Elvis Presley got a “C” in music in eight grade and was told by the teacher that he had no singing talent.
- Actress Cybil Shepherd dated Elvis in the 70’s and hinted on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she had to teach him how to perform cunninlinqus.
- Mickey Mouse creator Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
- Actress Drew Barrymore began drinking at age nine, smoking weed at ten and snorting cocaine at twelve. She then entered rehab at age thirteen, the youngest star ever to do so.
- False web rumors began to circulate in 2005 that TV star Jaleel White (Urkel on Family Matters) had committed suicide and left a note that read “Did I do that?”, Urkel’s catchphrase.
- Nobel Prize winning biologist Francis Crick was high on LSD when he discovered the double helix structure of DNA.
- Actress Rebecca Gayheart while on her cell phone stuck and killed a nine-year old girl in LA in 2001. She pled guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to three years’ probation and a fine.
WE’RE LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO WANT TO BE FAMOUS
I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB so many times I can’t count. That was by friends and acquaintances who I got along with. Comments by others were often even worse. I love and live for sarcasm because it’s a subtle way to criticize or make fun of someone without conflict. The reason there’s no conflict is that most people haven’t a clue when someone is being sarcastic. They pretend to be amused but aren’t even sure why. Any time I find any information on sarcasm, and it’s uses, I buy it. Here are a few collected definitions of sarcasm you might enjoy and if they don’t make sense to you, find a sarcastic friend to explain them.
- A CONSERVATIVE is someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
- FAT is what you don’t realize you are getting until you have to suck in your gut even when you are lying down.
- The CREDIT CARD is a small wallet sized device that finally made misery, ruin, and despair accessible to just about anyone.
- A CUSTOMER is a person who once came first and was always right, and is now routinely ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at by the clueless, text messaging employees of most modern-day retail establishments. This has resulted in increased Internet commerce, wherein if the customer encounters a problem, he can simply call a toll-free number to get ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at.
- A DOUGHNUT is a food created in response to the notion that if something has 20 grams of sugar, 25 grams of fat, and 425 calories, then it should be made available in groups of 12.
- E-COMMERCE is a convenient way to make your bank account accessible to criminals without having to leave the comfort and safety of your own home.
- EGO is the part of one’s mind that contains awareness in the sense of one’s own individuality. Highly developed in actors, models, sports figures, doctors, real estate tycoons, and God help us, our children.
- EDGY describes an otherwise normal person or work of art deemed provocative or daring by virtue of a little profanity, self-mutilation, or both.
- FAITH is a deeply personal, spiritual set of beliefs that provides for the option of engaging in endless, bloody civil war with anyone who has a different set of deeply personal, spiritual beliefs than you.
- FASHION is something that a total of six people actually have time to follow. Which might explain why we keep seeing clips of runway models wearing some of the weirdest crap in the world, none of which ever makes it to your local Target.
This is just a short sampling of many hundreds of definitions that I’ve acquired. You’ll be seeing more of them in the future for sure.
ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND
It’s hump day, it’s humid, and a little gray outside. The perfect day to unleash a few adult limericks. I try to behave when posting limericks but today I just don’t care. Let’s let it all hang out and enjoy some lecherous and bawdy poetry. Forward all complaints to someone who cares. I no longer do.
A cheerful young golfer, named Jock,
Gave his ball a 300-yard sock.
It doesn’t sound far
For a chap who shoots par,
But was done with the end of his cock!
😏😏😏
I lost my arm in the Army,
I lost my leg in the Navy,
I lost my balls
Over Niagara Falls,
And I lost my cock in a lady.
😁😁😁
There was a young lady in Reno
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
But she lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And now she owns the casino.
😊😊😊
There once was a versatile whore,
As expert behind as before.
For a quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.
😜😜😜
Since reading blogs slows considerably during these hot and sweaty days of Summer, I thought a short list of strange things were just what is needed today. If all of you aren’t reading much in this heat, here are a few more things you probably won’t read.
- For passengers who may not quite get it, American Airlines once printed instructions on their snack packages. “Open packet, eat nuts.”
- A female ferret can die from going into heat and not mating.
- In 1900, the average white woman’s life expectancy was only 48.7 years. For women of color, the life expectancy was 33.5 years.
- Your stomach creates a new mucus layer every two weeks.
- Thomas Edison preferred to do his reading in Braille, and he proposed to his wife in Morse code.
- American go through 12 billion bananas in a typical year.
- Roses are the symbol of the Virgin Mary. Catholic “rosaries” were originally made of 165 dried and rolled rose petals.
- Disney’s Space Mountain roller coaster was the first thrill attraction to be operated by a computer.
- The first time an instant replay was seen on TV was during an Army-Navy football game on December 7, 1963. CBS director Tony Verna masterminded the idea.
- Founding Father George Washington was a distant relation of King Edward I, Queen Elizabeth II, Sir Winston Churchill, and Gen. Robert E Lee.
Living in Maine is always interesting. Maine is a large state with a very small population and most of the state is covered in forests with a population that consists of many rural folks. After moving here, I noticed that a great many people raise chickens. Every other yard has a chicken coop and a few birds roaming around the property. I always thought it was primarily the eggs everyone wanted but there are a couple of other reasons to have chickens I never considered. They are an easy way to remove bugs and ticks from your property and it’s also a very helpful way to help feed the many hawks, coyotes, and foxes that seem to be everywhere. They have to eat too you know. It’s not at all unusual for a homeowner to initially purchase six chickens and then be forced to replace a few every so often due to missing birds.
You would think these rural folks would be familiar with the many superstitions that surround chicken ownership. My better-half has tried numerous times to convince me to become a chicken owner but I’ve refused. I love eating them but after learning about all of these superstitions . . . no thank you. Here are a few things any potential chicken owner needs to know . . .
- If a hen roosts at noonday that’s a sign that someone in the family will soon die.
- Anyone who has the blood of the chickens spilled on their clothes will die an unnatural death.
- The clucking of a hen near a patient’s head is a sign of death.
- Watch out for mean gossip about you if you see two hens fighting.
- If you see hens laying eggs, you will have good luck.
- If you tie an old tough hen to a fig tree, the hen’s meat will become tender.
- In Korea it’s unlucky if you hear a rooster crow at sunset and a hen cluck at night.
- In Africa it’s unlucky for a rooster to crow before midnight.
- In Germany it is believed that when a rooster crows when a guest is leaving – even if it’s at daybreak – that guest will soon die.
- If a rooster crows in your cellar door – even at daybreak – it’s a sign of a speedy marriage.
- If a rooster crows all day, expect rain.
- If a rooster comes into your home, it’s a sign strangers will soon visit.
I hope that knowing all of these potential issues with chickens will help those of you who are on the fence about chicken ownership. I guess you could call this post a PSA, that’s Public Service Announcement for you chicken owners out there.
CLUCK. . .CLUCK. . .CLUCK
In my teens, my 20’s, my 30’s, my 40’s, and my 50’s, my main interest in human bodies mostly concerned women. These day’s I’ve been forced by Mother Nature to look at bodies from a totally different perspective. It’s not near as much fun but it will have to do. As the old familiar quote states: “when given lemons, make lemonade.” Currently I’m a ball busting, pain in the ass lemonade aficionado. Here are some factoids about the human body from my new lemonade making perspective.
- Each square inch of human skin consists of 19 million cells, 60 years, 90 oil glands, 19 feet of blood vessels, 625 sweat glands, and 19,000 sensory cells.
- Man has tiny bones once meant for a tail and unworkable muscles once meant to move his ears.
- Most people by the age of 60 have lost 50% of their taste buds and 40% of their ability to smell.
- The largest cell in the human body is the female ovum, or egg cell. It is about 1/180th of an inch in diameter. The smallest cell in the human body is the male sperm. It takes about 175,000 sperm cells to weigh as much as a single egg cell.
- The human body consists of about 60 trillion cells, and each cell has about 10,000 times as many molecules as the Milky Way has stars.
- Are only part of the human body that has no blood supply is the cornea. It takes its oxygen directly from the air.
- At sea level there are 2000 pounds of air pressure on each square foot of your body area.
- Hydrochloric acid of the human digestive process is so strong and corrosive that it easily can eat its way through the iron of an automobile body. Yet, it does not endanger the walls of the stomach, which are protected by a film of sticky mucus.
- The daughters of a mother who is colorblind and a father who has normal vision will have normal vision. The sons will be colorblind, however.
- The sensitivity of the human eye is so keen that on a clear, moonless night, a person standing on a mountain peak can see a match being struck as far as 50 miles away. Astronauts in orbit around the earth were actually able to see the wakes of ships.
Well, there you have it. I hope all of you enjoy your day and for those senior citizens out there:
“GO MAKE SOME LEMONADE”
everyuselessthing.com 