Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
It’s hump day, it’s humid, and a little gray outside. The perfect day to unleash a few adult limericks. I try to behave when posting limericks but today I just don’t care. Let’s let it all hang out and enjoy some lecherous and bawdy poetry. Forward all complaints to someone who cares. I no longer do.
A cheerful young golfer, named Jock,
Gave his ball a 300-yard sock.
It doesn’t sound far
For a chap who shoots par,
But was done with the end of his cock!
😏😏😏
I lost my arm in the Army,
I lost my leg in the Navy,
I lost my balls
Over Niagara Falls,
And I lost my cock in a lady.
😁😁😁
There was a young lady in Reno
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
But she lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And now she owns the casino.
😊😊😊
There once was a versatile whore,
As expert behind as before.
For a quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.
😜😜😜
Since reading blogs slows considerably during these hot and sweaty days of Summer, I thought a short list of strange things were just what is needed today. If all of you aren’t reading much in this heat, here are a few more things you probably won’t read.
- For passengers who may not quite get it, American Airlines once printed instructions on their snack packages. “Open packet, eat nuts.”
- A female ferret can die from going into heat and not mating.
- In 1900, the average white woman’s life expectancy was only 48.7 years. For women of color, the life expectancy was 33.5 years.
- Your stomach creates a new mucus layer every two weeks.
- Thomas Edison preferred to do his reading in Braille, and he proposed to his wife in Morse code.
- American go through 12 billion bananas in a typical year.
- Roses are the symbol of the Virgin Mary. Catholic “rosaries” were originally made of 165 dried and rolled rose petals.
- Disney’s Space Mountain roller coaster was the first thrill attraction to be operated by a computer.
- The first time an instant replay was seen on TV was during an Army-Navy football game on December 7, 1963. CBS director Tony Verna masterminded the idea.
- Founding Father George Washington was a distant relation of King Edward I, Queen Elizabeth II, Sir Winston Churchill, and Gen. Robert E Lee.
Living in Maine is always interesting. Maine is a large state with a very small population and most of the state is covered in forests with a population that consists of many rural folks. After moving here, I noticed that a great many people raise chickens. Every other yard has a chicken coop and a few birds roaming around the property. I always thought it was primarily the eggs everyone wanted but there are a couple of other reasons to have chickens I never considered. They are an easy way to remove bugs and ticks from your property and it’s also a very helpful way to help feed the many hawks, coyotes, and foxes that seem to be everywhere. They have to eat too you know. It’s not at all unusual for a homeowner to initially purchase six chickens and then be forced to replace a few every so often due to missing birds.
You would think these rural folks would be familiar with the many superstitions that surround chicken ownership. My better-half has tried numerous times to convince me to become a chicken owner but I’ve refused. I love eating them but after learning about all of these superstitions . . . no thank you. Here are a few things any potential chicken owner needs to know . . .
- If a hen roosts at noonday that’s a sign that someone in the family will soon die.
- Anyone who has the blood of the chickens spilled on their clothes will die an unnatural death.
- The clucking of a hen near a patient’s head is a sign of death.
- Watch out for mean gossip about you if you see two hens fighting.
- If you see hens laying eggs, you will have good luck.
- If you tie an old tough hen to a fig tree, the hen’s meat will become tender.
- In Korea it’s unlucky if you hear a rooster crow at sunset and a hen cluck at night.
- In Africa it’s unlucky for a rooster to crow before midnight.
- In Germany it is believed that when a rooster crows when a guest is leaving – even if it’s at daybreak – that guest will soon die.
- If a rooster crows in your cellar door – even at daybreak – it’s a sign of a speedy marriage.
- If a rooster crows all day, expect rain.
- If a rooster comes into your home, it’s a sign strangers will soon visit.
I hope that knowing all of these potential issues with chickens will help those of you who are on the fence about chicken ownership. I guess you could call this post a PSA, that’s Public Service Announcement for you chicken owners out there.
CLUCK. . .CLUCK. . .CLUCK
In my teens, my 20’s, my 30’s, my 40’s, and my 50’s, my main interest in human bodies mostly concerned women. These day’s I’ve been forced by Mother Nature to look at bodies from a totally different perspective. It’s not near as much fun but it will have to do. As the old familiar quote states: “when given lemons, make lemonade.” Currently I’m a ball busting, pain in the ass lemonade aficionado. Here are some factoids about the human body from my new lemonade making perspective.
- Each square inch of human skin consists of 19 million cells, 60 years, 90 oil glands, 19 feet of blood vessels, 625 sweat glands, and 19,000 sensory cells.
- Man has tiny bones once meant for a tail and unworkable muscles once meant to move his ears.
- Most people by the age of 60 have lost 50% of their taste buds and 40% of their ability to smell.
- The largest cell in the human body is the female ovum, or egg cell. It is about 1/180th of an inch in diameter. The smallest cell in the human body is the male sperm. It takes about 175,000 sperm cells to weigh as much as a single egg cell.
- The human body consists of about 60 trillion cells, and each cell has about 10,000 times as many molecules as the Milky Way has stars.
- Are only part of the human body that has no blood supply is the cornea. It takes its oxygen directly from the air.
- At sea level there are 2000 pounds of air pressure on each square foot of your body area.
- Hydrochloric acid of the human digestive process is so strong and corrosive that it easily can eat its way through the iron of an automobile body. Yet, it does not endanger the walls of the stomach, which are protected by a film of sticky mucus.
- The daughters of a mother who is colorblind and a father who has normal vision will have normal vision. The sons will be colorblind, however.
- The sensitivity of the human eye is so keen that on a clear, moonless night, a person standing on a mountain peak can see a match being struck as far as 50 miles away. Astronauts in orbit around the earth were actually able to see the wakes of ships.
Well, there you have it. I hope all of you enjoy your day and for those senior citizens out there:
“GO MAKE SOME LEMONADE”
I stumbled across a rather large collection of really stupid newspaper headlines this week. I just can’t resist throwing a few of them your way. This kind of stuff just boggles the mind. The first one is the classic screw up and must be seen again.
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO THE POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARION TAKES OVER
CLINTON WINS BUDGET, MORE LIES AHEAD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
I especially like the Clinton one. I wonder if the editor got reprimanded. That would have been a big NO-NO for a liberal newspaper. Let’s continue.
COUPLE SLAIN, POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY
It’s hard to believe just how many of these I’ve collected. I should start posting only the ones that are well written and correct. It’s a much smaller number to deal with.
OVER THE HUMP DAY
When I’m writing this blog, I continuously edit myself because I make tons of errors in spelling and grammar. It concerns me only because I don’t care to look like a moron when I’m posting some of my material. I wish I could say the same for everyone, but I can’t. As I read through my research material, I continually find mistakes, obvious mistakes, that have made it through three levels of editors and finally published and released to the public. It boggles my mind some of the things I’ve read in recent weeks and I’m going to share some of them with you now. It still amazes me how people rely on newspapers and their alleged accuracy. It’s time for some really stupid headlines.
- Police Suspicious After Body Found in a Graveyard
- Male infertility Can Be Passed on to Children
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe
- Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Can you believe this stuff? I can’t. Now I want to move on to some other things that I’ve noticed on websites like Craigslist. It’s apparent to me that editing is not permitted on these sites and here’s the results:
- Free Yorkshire Terrier: eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
- Georgia Peaches – California grown -$.89 per pound
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
That’s about enough for me. As Ron White always says, “You can’t fix stupid”.
THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE IS GUINESSES, LOL
It’s 7am and I’m sitting here drinking my coffee and staring out the window. It’s a sky full or gray and dark clouds and a light annoying rain. I get to top that off with another annoying doctors visit later in the day. How did I ever manage to stay alive this long before I had all these experts making me pay for the privilege?
I feel better now that I’ve gotten that whine out of the way. I think todays post should consist of a general list of interesting oddities. It’s just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended). Enjoy . . .
- In the 10th century, the Grand Viser of Persia, carried 117,000 books with him as he traveled. It took 400 camels to carry all of the volumes.
- Sportscaster Foster Hewitt is credited with being the first person to say, “He shoots! He scores!” It happened at a hockey game between 1931 and 1935.
- In 1985, 300 people who were alive in 1910 gathered to watch Haley’s Comet make its first return to Earth in 75 years.
- In 1967, the town of St. Paul, Alberta, built the world’s first UFO landing pad as a project to mark Canada’s 100th birthday.
- A typical child laughs 26.67 times more per day than the typical adult.
- Vatican City claims the honor of having both the lowest divorce rate and the lowest birth rate of anywhere in the world.
- The first snowboard was called a “snurfer” and was made with two skis attached together.
- The “Spirit of Ecstasy” is the name of the sculpture on the hood ornament of a Rolls-Royce.
- Each of your nostril’s registers smell differently. Your right nostril detects the more pleasant smells, but your left one is more accurate.
- It has been reported in Ripley’s Believe It or Not that the toe tag from the corpse of Lee Harvey Oswald, President Kennedy’s alleged assassin, sold at auction for $9500.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment can be
regarded as ethical or should be regarded
as merely cowardly.”
Margaret Mead
‘
As I’ve stated on many occasions, I am not a religious person. But as I do my homework for this blog, I discover many things that I didn’t know before about religion. While I disagree with most organized religions that currently exist, I found that there are a few that I had no knowledge of at all and that being said, I thought I’d pass along their information to all of you.
- The first group is the Universe People. They live in and around the Czech Republic and believe that ancient non-earthly beings operate a fleet of spaceships orbiting the earth. The Universe People followers are waiting to be transported into another dimension. I hope they have a really nice trip!
- The second group is named after Bhagwan Shee Rajneesh. This gentleman was an India-born mystic who settled in Oregon in the 1980s. The group’s claim to religious fame is that Rolls-Royce’s are a sign of holiness. He owned dozens of them. He also tried to poison nonbelievers by introducing salmonella into the salad bars of several Oregon fast-food restaurants. Take no communion wafers from these folks.
- The third group is called the World Church of the Creator. It’s a white separatist movement advocating a white-only religion called Creativity. Ironically, despite their name, group members do not believe in God. They are atheists! They are also idiots, pure and simple.
- Number four is called Nuwaubianism. It’s a loose term referring to the religion founded by Dwight York, a black supremacist leader and convicted child molester (currently serving a 135-year prison sentence). These people believe all humans have seven clones living on different parts of the planet. Humans were bred on Mars as part of a Homo erectus breeding program gone awry, and famed scientist, Nikola Tesla, was born on the planet Venus. Let’s have a big AMEN here!
- Number five is one I’ll only mention briefly because they’re all dead. And that was Heaven’s Gate. A cult founded by Marshall Applewhite, whose followers believed that once they were free of their earthly bodies, a spaceship would take them away to a celestial paradise. In 1997 with the appearance of the Hale-Bopp comet they were assured their spaceship had arrived. In March of that year all 36 members of the cult were found dead in a mass suicide. Problem solved!
What more can I say about organized religions. My only
comment is that “You just can’t make this shit up.”
As always, I offer up more questionable poetry. Some people like this style and some do not. To me that makes for what I call “bad poetry”. If everyone loves and understands it, then it’s “good poetry”.
😞❤️😞
I rush down the highway of my life.
Hoping that things I need and desire, will follow.
To feel, see and experience, the love, hate and strife.
Hear words that mean something and nothing, hollow.
The need to experience and taste it remains key.
The search for the reverse of me continues, can never cease.
Passing years and people have changed how I am able to see.
My mysterious other self demands fairness, the ultimate release.
A quantity known but not known comes to me after flirting.
Near hopes end a miracle occurs and love blossoms, smell the flowers.
Feel intense love, caring and gentleness, no more hurting.
That for which we all search is now mine and hers, ours.
The years of love and caring release me from my chains.
My life quest finally realized, my soul with its mate.
Melting together, love and tenderness growing my heart can’t explain.
My lover has taught me, what counts is love, not hate.
YOU’VE JUST RECEIVED YOUR DAILY DOSE OF BLAHHHHHHHH!
A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
- The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- People have sex, while nouns have genders.
- Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
- Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
- The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
- The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
- The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM
everyuselessthing.com 