Archive for the ‘senior citizens’ Tag

08/13/2021  Your Useless Information Fix   Leave a comment

It’s been a long week and I’m a little sick of thinking or talking about politics, younger generations, and the pandemic. I’m on overload with more news about masks and all of the assorted BS that goes along with that. I think it’s time for another installment of Totally Useless Trivia. The following items came into my files over the last few years and I love saving them for these not-so-special occasions. Let’s get started.

As an adult human being you have more than 20 square feet of skin on your body about the same square footage as a blanket for a queen-size bed. How creepy is that?

We Americans eat approximately 100 acres of pizza each day, or 350 slices per second. Yet for some reason we still don’t seem to understand why obesity is running rampant through the country. Are we really that stupid?

An estimated 800,000 senior citizens voluntarily give up their driving privileges each year. The average age at which they surrender the wheel is 85.

All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” read 04:20. Rent the movie and check it out.

Americans appear to have the most sex at 132 times a year, with the Russians close behind at 122 times a year. Hard to believe the the French are only at 121.  Let it be known that I’m officially volunteering to verify these numbers.

A portion of the water you drink every day has already been drunk by someone else, maybe several times over. This I didn’t really need to know, Ewwwwwwww!

About 1.7 liters of saliva is produced each day in an average person.  You can’t have those long sloppy wet kisses without it.

A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz in a day.  Wonderful, just freaking wonderful.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent while men like it more strenuous.  I think it’s really 30 muscles if you get my drift. LOL

Condoms will last about a month when stored in a wallet; any longer and its more likely to break. Wish I would have known this back in high school. I carried one for three years.

A Georgia company will mix your loved one’s ashes with cement and drop it into the ocean to form an artificial Reef. It must be “Greenie” heaven.

35 billion emails are sent each day throughout the world. Who cares, it’s mostly SPAM anyway.

61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time. From a former white-knuckle flier, “better them than me.”

3,400,000 Americans are considered “Extreme Commuters”. These are people who commute over 90 minutes round trip every day to work. Anyone who’s ever lived in a major metro area can verify this one. Route 128 in Boston was my home for years.

That should curb your craving for stupid and useless information for another week or so. When you start going into withdrawal, drop me an email and I’ll fix you right up.

03-03-2015 Journal–Single Mall Seniors!   2 comments

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Today has turned into a throw away day. It started late last night when I got caught up reading another Jack Reacher adventure novel and before I knew it it was 3 am.  I crawled into bed finally and was just about asleep when my better-half’s alarm went off at 4 am.  I stumbled into the kitchen and poured myself a large mug of coffee but it barely helped at all. As I groggily passed my better-half in the hallway I kissed her on the forehead entered the bedroom and  fell into bed once again. I set my alarm for 830 am because I was sure my eye doctor would be patiently waiting for my arrival in his office at 930 am.

I fell asleep for a half hour and then was forced to get dressed and get moving. I left the house three times and returned within minutes each time.  It doesn’t sound like a big deal normally but since the installation of our security system it’s  become a real pain in the ass. I returned first when I forgot my camera and left again, then I returned once more when I forgot my Kindle and left again,  and lastly I returned because I forgot  to turn off the alarm on my beside clock. All that screwing around was making me a little crazy and the alarm system was talking to me the entire time and sending me emails for fifteen minutes. Oh, the price we pay for protection.

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I arrived at the Mall of Maine with time to spare but since the stores don’t open until 10 am  I couldn’t do any window shopping. I was forced into the food court for a coffee and a little people watching.  I try never to go near malls but this trip became very educational very quickly.  As I sat drinking my coffee and killing a little time the herds of senior citizens began circling. A continuous stream of blue hairs with walkers, canes, and even wheelchairs went flowing by like a river of old farts. These people are the early morning mall rats who eventually will turn over custody of the mall to the teenage mall rats who like to sleep until early afternoon. Just two moderately interesting social groups with their own little routines and pecking orders.

It was a fashion experience I could have done without.  Walking outfits of bright colored spandex were everywhere and I have to say there’s nothing like a seventy-five year old pear shaped cutie in a pink fluorescent body suit strutting her stuff.  And believe me she had a lot of stuff to strut. The longer I sat there the more looks I was getting because I was a new face in the crowd.  Before I knew it two apparently single ladies plopped down at my table and offered to buy me a coffee refill.  Many people say that the girls of our younger generations are somewhat more aggressive than the young girls of the past.  I think that’s true to a degree but they have nothing on these single, spry, and sexually interested older women.  Man it was a just little scary since I haven’t been hit on like that for quite some time.

Fortunately I was able to sneak away after telling them I was late for my eye doctor appointment.  I heard a few "we’ll see you tomorrow’s" as I walked quickly away and made a  note to myself on my phone:  No more freaking morning mall visits.

Yikes!!!

12-16-2013. Resolutions   Leave a comment

I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just  once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.

Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.

Drink Less Alcohol

Eat Healthy Food

Get a Better Education

Get a Better Job

Get Fit

Lose Weight

Manage Debt

Manage Stress

Quit Smoking

Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle

Save Money

Take a Trip

Volunteer to Help Others

I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing.  However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens.  Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.

  • Visit your local senior center.
  • Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
  • Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
  • Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
  • Learn how to use the Internet.
  • Schedule regular exercise.
  • Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
  • Get your papers/affairs in order.
  • Consider a personal emergency response system.

Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior.  Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.

  • I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
  • Focus more on the music.
  • By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
  • As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
  • Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
  • Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
  • Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
  • Take guitar lessons.
  • Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.

My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine  than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked  I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.

  • Work on my flexibility.
  • Whiten those teeth.
  • Work at least four days a week.
  • Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
  • Wake up sober on Thursdays.
  • I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.

All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for.  I’d hate to be forced to again  resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.

More to come.

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