I thought today we might start the month of June with a collection of limericks. This is what can be called a double dose because these limericks were written about limericks. I know it sounds confusing, but you’ll get the gist once you start reading. Enjoy . . .
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
😷😷😷
If you find for your verse there’s no call,
And you can’t afford paper at all,
For the poet, true born,
However forlorn,
There’s always the lavatory wall.
😉😉😉
The limericks callous and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding,
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
🥴🥴🥴
Oh limericks, Dr. Jekyll’s oblivious,
Till his alter ego is delirious.
Then it can’t be denied
Such rhymes by Mr. Hyde
Will be lecherous, lewd and lascivious.
🤪🤪🤪
That’s it for today. Keep checking in on a daily basis because I’m planning a full week of limericks that will definitely not be acceptable to the younger generation. Let’s call it “Questionable Limerick Week”. I’m compiling the list of limericks as we speak.
I’ve been writing this blog for more than 10 years and if you’ve read any of my postings you know that I’m a bit pragmatic in my beliefs. I’m not someone who believes in the mystical, superstitious, and nonsensical beliefs that exist with certain groups. Strangely enough there is a large portion of the population that does. I may not believe in these things, but I do read about them with the hope that someone can convince me otherwise.
I was recently reading a book titled The Book of Bizarre Truths. There’s a lot of information in that book concerning “curses” (both good and evil). I found this story interesting, funny, and sports related. Here it is . . .
This is called “Da Billy Goat Curse”. In 1945, William “Billy Goat” Sianis brought his pet goat, Murphy, to Wrigley Field to see the fourth game of the 1945 World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Detroit Tigers. Sianis and his goat were later ejected from the game, and Sianis reportedly put a curse on the team that day. After that, the Cubs had legendary bad luck. Over the years, Cubs fans experienced agony in repeated late season collapses when victory seemed imminent. Even those who didn’t consider themselves Cubs fans blamed the curse for the weird and almost comical losses year after year. Finally, in 2016, the Cubs broke the curse, winning the World Series for the first time since 1908.
Again, I don’t believe in curses or blessings but let me tell you a short and bizarre story. Many years ago, after I left the police department I started and ran a private investigation company. One dark and rainy night I met a client in the town of McKees Rocks in Pennsylvania at her home. This Romanian woman hired me to determine who her married lover was seeing on the side. I know it sounds a little weird but if you run a private investigation business “weird” is the operative word. Before she would officially hire me, she sat me in the center of the room on a chair, sprinkled some kind of weird and foul-smelling powder in my hair, all the while chanting quietly to herself in Romanian as she walked in circles around me. She assured me her blessing would guarantee my success and believe it or not she was right. I made the case two nights later, took my check, and got the hell out of there. I still don’t believe in blessings or curses, but it is interesting (and her check cleared as well).
Are you left-handed? I’ve been reading up on left-handedness and right-handedness after watching my two grandsons play in a Little League baseball game. I began wondering why we become one or the other. I was apparently born left-handed, but my father changed all that. When I was about 11 years old, he decided that in order for him to have a lifelong golfing partner he had to teach me how to play golf. Unfortunately, we weren’t a wealthy family, and I was taught to golf using right-handed clubs. After a time, I made the adjustment and moved on with my life. Later in my Little League years I was a pitcher. In one game I actually pitched half of the game right-handed and the second half left-handed. I’ve been ambidextrous ever since.
I decided to look a little further into the history of left-handedness and here’s the result . . .
In ancient Egypt artwork and hieroglyphics, it appears that most Egyptians were right-handed. They portrayed their enemies as left-handed, which can be seen as derogatory.
The ancient Greeks never crossed their left leg over their right, because they believed a person’s sex was determined by their position in the womb with the female, or “lesser sex”, sitting on the left side of the womb.
The Romans also had a bias against left-handedness. Roman customs required that when entering a friend’s home, it should be done placing the right foot forward. Also, Romans should always turn their head to the right when sneezing. The Latin word for left was sinister (meaning evil or ominous), the word for right was dexter (meaning skillful or adroit). Even the word ambidextrous literally means “right-handed with both hands”.
The Anglo-Saxon root for left is lyft, which means “weak”, “broken,” or “worthless”. Riht is for right and means “straight”, “just”, or “erect”.
The Bible is totally biased in favor of right-handed people. Both the Old and New Testaments always refer to “the right hand of God”. There is also a distinction made even in religious art. Jesus and God are nearly always drawn giving blessings with their right hand, and the devil is usually portrayed doing evil with his left.
I feel a bit slighted by all of those old-time religious fanatics and the Bible as well. It seems to me that the Greeks, Romans, Anglo-Saxons, and damn near anyone else had been brainwashed with the idea that left-handedness is evil. Even the Muslims require that you only eat food with the right hand. Just one more reason for me to take anything said by any organized religion as utter and complete nonsense.
LEFTIES ARISE AND PROCLAIM YOUR LEFTINESS TO THE WORLD
Have you ever heard or read a quotation that really grabs you? Those are the ones I try to search out and keep in my archives. They don’t have to come from some great mind like Einstein or Stephen Hawking because many of their quotes don’t do them justice. The list below are a few quotes that grabbed me the first time I read them. Let’s see if they grab you . . .
“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” Ellen Burstyn
“The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability he has. Confucius
“Integrity has no need of rules.” Albert Camus
“Everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.” Leo Tolstoy
“Misfortunes one can endure – they come from outside; they are accidents. But to suffer for one’s own faults – ah, there is the sting of life.” Oscar Wilde
“He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.” Joseph Joubert
“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross in which to burn.” Laurence J. Peter
“A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.” Doug Larson
“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself he becomes wise.” Alden Nowlan
“The older you get, the greater you were.” Lee Grosscup
After requesting limericks from readers yesterday I really didn’t expect too much of a response. Much to my surprise at 1:15 am I received the following limerick from an anonymous reader. The email was a one liner, “Here’s my favorite feminist limerick.” And here it is just as received:
There was young lady of Wheeling
Who professed a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
I love anything that makes me laugh out loud and this limerick did. I’m not sure who exactly emailed it, but it has a definite female feel. What do you think?
And to end this post on a fun note, a happy yet stupid newspaper headline.
I’ve rounded up a few more limericks written exclusively by the youngest generation. I’m constantly amazed just how well they construct their limericks. When I was their age, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to match their skills. Enjoy . . .
Belinda Kellett – Age 8
There was a young lad he named Tony
Who ate plates of fried macaroni.
He got very fat,
But he didn’t mind that,
‘Cos, he bounced when he sat on his pony.
☘☘☘
Audrey Freeland – Age 12
There was a young fellow called Fred
Had an elephant sit on his head.
Where the elephant sat,
Fred’s head grew quite flat,
But Fred didn’t care, he was dead!
☘☘☘
Christine Tailby – Age 7
There was a young lady of Leeds
Who was constantly doing good deeds.
As she bit her young brother,
She said to her mother
“I’ll bind up the wound if it bleeds!”
☘☘☘
Ron Rubin (Unk Age)
As he shrugged and made room on her tuffet,
He whooped: “You’re my lunch, dear Ms. Muffet!”.
Then the monstrous tarantula
Began to dismantle her,
And that’s how Ms. M came to snuff it.
😃😂😁😀😉🙂😛
If any of you happen to have a favorite limerick, email it to me at (everyuselessthing2@yahoo.com) and I’ll post it. Better yet, if you write your own just sent it along and get credit for your work. Don’t be shy, everything here is done just for the fun of it.
Do you love going to the dentist like I do? I’ll bet you don’t, because most people would rather do anything than have strangers with their hands in your mouth drilling and poking and prodding and all of the associated fun of dental visits. I spent much more of my life in the dentist’s chair than I ever thought possible starting when I was 14 years old and had most of my front teeth knocked out while playing in a backyard football game. That was back in the day before mouthguards were even something anyone knew about, and it only cost me about six teeth and a lifetime of partial plates and dentist visits. You put forth what effort you must to maintain a reasonable appearance because as we all know bad teeth are not going to attract the opposite sex. Over the centuries there have been some strange superstitions about teeth. Some may be true and others ridiculous and here they are . . .
Don’t trust people with pointed teeth regardless of how charming they are! You never know, vampires traditionally have pointed teeth and it’s best not to take any chances.
People with obvious spaces between their teeth will be lucky, wealthy, and widely traveled. This was a common belief before orthodontists.
People who have well-placed teeth with no gaps have fine singing voices.
People with protruding teeth will live a short life. Remember, these were the days before braces.
Breaking a tooth is a sure sign a friend will die.
Those of you who have teeth with few cavities have a good deal of sexual strength. If you have teeth susceptible to cavities, you are prone to sexual weakness.
It’s bad luck to count the teeth of a baby. But if a baby is born with teeth, he or she will be a famous adult but only if you don’t count them.
It’s bad luck for a man with false teeth to marry a woman with false teeth. The marriage will be unhappy.
The ancients had a number of talismans to avoid a toothache. Split open a nutshell. Dig out the meat but be careful to keep the two halves intact. Put a dead spider in one half and close up the shell. Hang it around your neck on a string and you will never have another toothache.
Always carry a wolf’s tooth with you. You will never get a toothache.
Last but not least, if you cut your fingernails on a Friday, you will not have a toothache for a month.
There you have it, the wisdom of the ages concerning teeth. There’s only one thing I know for certain. If I had all of the money I’ve spent on my teeth, I could’ve bought that Lamborghini that remains on my bucket list.
I was awakened at 2:30 this morning by one of those annoying Mother Nature calls. I visited her briefly and upon returning to my bed, tried to fall back asleep. During those few minutes of half-sleep some of the words of the following limerick popped into my head. I made a quick note in my cell phone and went to sleep. This morning a did a little editing and the finished limerick was born. I have absolutely no idea where or why it came to me but here it is. This is for all of you limerick and nursery rhyme aficionados.
❤JACK & JILL❤
Jack and Jill climbed up a hill on Nantucket.
He brought a few condoms and she an old bucket.
The bucket was tossed, and Jill’s virginity was lost,
You mentioned number freaking a few times over the past few years and it still fascinates me. The statistics and information compiled by number for readers boggles the mind or at least my mind. Their calculations are out there a little bit but interesting, nonetheless. Here are a few to tickle your fancy.
Theoretically you would have 4.72 sextillion bacteria in your body within 24 hours of being infection by a bug.
It would take 587 ticks simultaneously sucking to suck a man dry.
The average flow of water over Niagara Falls is 1,585,032 US gallons per second. It would take Niagara Falls 119 years, 293 days, to fill all five of the Great Lakes.
It is estimated that 45,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year. That calculates out to one injury every 18 minutes, 12 seconds.
A recent TV ad for a chain of optometrists claimed we each capture 24 million images with our eyes in a lifetime. Life expectancy in the US is approximately 77 years which calculates out to 101.2 seconds per image over the course of a lifetime.
There are about 109 million US households. The total amount spent by US advertisers every year is about $248 billion, of which the amount spent annually on TV advertisement is about $57 billion. That calculates TV advertising to approximately $522.94 household.
Approximately 152,467 square miles of the United States has been urbanized.
A wireless network across all of urbanized America would cost approximately 1 dollar per week per household. It would cost approximately $22.87 billion to operate such a network.
A golf course uses the same amount of freshwater as a town of 12,000 people.
On average a person will drink 31,996.52 quarts of water in a lifetime. With an average bathtub holding 528.34 quarts of water, you would be able to fill 60.56 bathtubs.
The land area in the United States, excluding lakes, is 3,536,294 square miles. If suddenly and without warning all of America’s convicted prisoners were to escape and disperse themselves equally across the country, each felon would require 1.66 square miles of land.
This is what happens when I have a slow news day and a lack of motivation to post. I’ll throw a few more of number freaking calculations your way as time goes on and I find some that are titillating.
I’ve been offering up quite an assortment of trivia these last few weeks about all sorts of different topics. Today I thought I’d throw some more out there concerning our great country. Odd tidbits of forgotten American history.
The kitchen is the scene of the greatest number of arguments in an American household.
1913 was the first year that motor vehicle registrations surpassed a million. There were 1,258,070 vehicles registered – 1,190,393 of them passenger cars; 67,677 of them were trucks and buses.
In 1960 the citizens of Hot Springs New Mexico voted to rename their town in or honor of a popular radio show. It is now called Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.
Patience and Fortitude are the names given to the two lions in front of the New York Public Library thanks to Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia.
The average American motorist spends approximately 6 months of his or her life waiting for red lights to turn green.
The clock on the reverse side of the $100 bill shows Independence Hall. Time on the hall clock is 4:10.
The state of Arkansas has towns named Athens, Carthage, Damascus, Egypt, England, Formosa, Hamburg, Havana, Holland, Jerusalem, London, Manila, Melbourne, Oxford, Palestine, Paris, Scotland, and Stuttgart.
The first Gallup poll was taken by George Gallup in a survey to find the prettiest girl on campus at the University of Iowa, where he was editor of the student newspaper in the early 1920s. Gallup ended up marrying the winner, Ophelia Smith.
Mount Katahdin in Maine has the unique distinction of being the first spot in the United States to be touched by the rays of the rising Sun.
The New York City weather forecast on the day of the Great Blizzard of 1888 was “Clearing and colder, proceeded by light snow.” The city was hit with 20.9 inches of snow and a temperature of -6°F.
everyuselessthing.com 