Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
A few days ago, I posted a mish-mosh of items which included two limericks from young children. I love the fact that there are kids growing up into a new generation of limerick writers. I would hate to think limericks would fall by the wayside here in the 21st century when they’ve added so much amusement and laughter for hundreds of years. I have a collection of children’s limericks that I’ll share with you periodically because they are cute, adorable and much less bawdy than their adult counterparts. These are for those of you who are too delicate to read the real deal. I hope you enjoy them.
👩🏻👳🏻♂️👲🏻
Consider the poor hippopotamus
His life is unduly monotonous.
He lives half sleep
At the edge of the deep,
And his face is as big as his bottom is.
👩🏻👩🏻🦰👩🏻🦳
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
Bit hole in its side and then sank her.
He swallowed the crew
In a minute or two,
And then picked his teeth with the anchor.
👱🏻♂️👲🏻👨🏻🦳
There was a young bather from Bewes,
Who reclined on the bank of the Ouse,
His radio blared,
And passers-by stared,
For all he had on was the news!
👼🏻👱🏻♂️👳🏻♂️
“What,” said our teacher, Ms. Pink,
“Is this moth doing here in my ink?”
Said a cheeky young lass,
At the front of the class,
“The Butterfly Stroke, I should think!”
NOT TOO BAD FOR YOUNGSTERS
Now that I’ve finished my first two cups of coffee and I’m reasonably awake and alert, I’m trying to decide exactly what I’ll be posting about today. I have many categories to choose from, but I’ve come up with a few things that I found very interesting concerning one of my and your favorite topics – ‘Celebrities’.
The amount of unbelievable interest in celebrities has always boggled my mind. So many people in this country seem to think that because they’re celebrities their lives are totally different from ours. They certainly have more money than most of us, but they also lose their “right to privacy”. So, they have some good things we don’t have and a few things we’d probably never want. Here are a few facts that may help make them seem a little more human than we ever thought.
- Superstore Madonna is reportedly deathly afraid of cockroaches. She once confessed:” Whenever I saw them, I screamed and ran away.”
- Hollywood actress and producer Drew Barrymore, suffers from claustrophobia, a fear of confined spaces.
- Hollywood star Johnny Depp suffers from clourophobia, a fear of clowns. He sees darkness and evil in those painted faces.
- English actor Orlando Bloom once broke his back falling from a third story roof terrace, but he isn’t afraid of heights – he’s terrified of pigs.
- American singer and actor, Justin Timberlake, suffers from galeophobia, ophidiophobia, and arachnophobia – that’s fear of sharks, snakes, and spiders.
- Oprah Winfrey fears chewing gum.
- Actress Nicole Kidman is afraid of butterflies.
- Christina Ricci suffers from a form of botanophobia – she is frightened by indoor plants.
- The English actor, the late Roger Moore, was licensed to kill as James Bond but he had a fear of guns.
- The legendary British suspense director Alfred Hitchcock was afraid of eggs. He thought they were absolutely disgusting.
And there you have it folks, just a few facts about celebrities that show they’re no different than the rest of us. They suffer from the same stupid phobias and issues just like everyone else. Now as I’m finishing this posting I must throw one more fact out there. It concerns a celebrity I’ve never been particularly fond of, Roseanne Barr. It appears that she is deathly afraid of anything – people or objects – touching her toes. For some reason I find that hilarious, but that’s just me.
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND
Today is the perfect day for a pile of miscellaneous information that you didn’t realize you were missing. First a “Stupid Headline”, then a quote from the late Larry King, and thirdly a few retro bumper stickers to take you back to the 70’s. Last but not least two children’s limericks. Enjoy!
😝😝😝
STUDENT EXCITED ABOUT DAD GETTING HEAD JOB
🤓🤓🤓
“I never learned anything while I was talking.” – Larry King
🚘🚖🚗
GUNS CAUSE CRIME, LIKE FLIES CAUSE GARBAGE
NOT ALL WOMEN ARE FOOLS, SOME ARE SINGLE
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR OTHER CAR IS, WHAT YOU LOVE, OR WHAT YOU’D RATHER BE DOING
☘☘☘
There once was an organic leek
That had managed to learn how to speak.
At the site of the knife,
It would fear for its life,
And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
☘☘☘
There was a young girl named Miss Muffet
Who sat down one day on a tuffet.
She’d sooner have had
A chair, I might add,
But sometimes you just have to rough it.
ENJOY YOUR DAY (TGIF)
I rolled out of bed today at about 3:45 AM and the house was dead silent. I poured myself a cup of coffee, crawled back into bed, and watched one of my favorite movies. The movie is “Shooter” and stars Donnie Wahlberg. It’s been one of my favorite movies for quite a long time but today something struck me, and I thought I’d talk about it a bit. In one of the nastier scenes in the movie Wahlberg is trapped on a mountain top and chatting with a corrupt United States Senator. The senator was eloquent in his smartass remarks and stated, “There are no Republicans or Democrats, just the “Have’s” and the “Have Not’s”. And that’s a pretty profound statement, like it or not, and it’s true to a certain point. Certain political entities in this country love nothing better than separating those two groups whenever possible to garner votes.
I’ve been known to take shots at the wealthier class of people in this country only because I felt it was necessary. I recently discovered a book titled The Rich Are Different. I’m a firm believer that statement is true but I’m not sure if it’s a good ‘different’ or a ‘bad different’. Here are a few pearls of wisdom from that book and a few of our richer, upper-class citizens.
- When the Duke of Marlborough could no longer afford his valet, who had, among other things, always put the paste on the Duke’s toothbrush, the nobleman’s shock was palpable. “What’s the matter with my tooth brush?” He exclaimed. “The damn thing won’t foam anymore!”
- “Until the age of twelve I sincerely believed that everybody had a house on Fifth Avenue, a villa in Newport and a steam driven, oceangoing yacht.” Cornelius Vanderbilt Junior
- “I have had no real gratification or enjoyment of any sort more than my neighbor on the next block who is worth only a half million.” William K. Vanderbilt
- “Prior to the Reagan era, the newly rich aped the old rich. But that isn’t true any longer. Donald Trump is making no effort to behave like Eleanor Roosevelt as far as I can see.” Fran Leibowitz
- “With money in your pocket you are wise, you are handsome, and you sing well, too.” Yiddish Proverb
- “No rich man is ugly.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
- During the 1887 Saratoga racing season, William Collins Whitney lost $385,000 at the gambling tables while waiting for his wife to finish dressing.
- “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” Leona Helmsley
- “What’s the use of money if you have to earn it?” George Bernard Shaw
HOW COULD ANYONE THINK THE RICH AREN’T JUST LIKE US
For many years after moving to New England, I spent a great deal of time in dozens of local cemeteries in southern Maine, checking out epithets, and anything else interesting that I could find. There was a time when I would stretch T-shirts over old tombstones and do rubbings of family names and places which I then sold in a local gift shop. Business became so brisk I was able to take requests from certain families to memorialize their long dead relatives. It was a little weird at times but very interesting. I also got to meet a few of the local law enforcement officers who repeatedly stopped to check me out. The epithets were remarkable since most of the early deaths were colonists from England, the home of the limerick. What follows are not the ones I discovered back then but discoveries made by other morbid folks who were also fascinated by them. Here are a few priceless ones I think you might enjoy.
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness’ sake.
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So, he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.
Burlington Massachusetts
🎇🎇🎇
Here lies Ann Mann;
She lived an old maid and
She died an old Mann.
Bath Abbey, England
🎇🎇🎇
Sacred to the memory of
Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back-to-back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I’ll just lie still.
Sargentville, Maine
🎇🎇🎇
Sacred to the memory of
Jared Bates
who died August 6, 1800.
His widow, age 24, lives at 7 Elm
Street, has every qualification for a
good wife and yearns to be comforted.
Lincoln, Maine
🎇🎇🎇
THINK UP A GOOD ONE FOR YOURSELF
AND LEAVE IT WITH A FRIEND
For those of you limerick lovers, I thought I’d give you a small selection from a category called “Oral Irregularities”. No further explanation is necessary, just enjoy them.
In his youth our old friend Boccaccio
Was having a girl in a patio.
When it came to the twat
She wasn’t so hot,
But, boy, was she good at fellatio!
😝😝😝
A fellatrix’s healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
Her remarkable diet
(I suggest that you try it)
Was only her clients’ emission
😜😜😜
There was an old man of Decatur,
Took out his red-hot pertater.
He tried at her dent
But when his thing bent,
He got down on his knees and he et’r.
😱😱😱
The priests at the Temple of Isis
Used to offer up amber and spices
Then back of the shrine
They would play 69
And other unmentionable vices.
🤪🤪🤪
There lived in French Louisiana
A quaint and deceived duenna
Who naïvely thought
That a penis was wrought
To be et like a thick ripe banana.
MORE TO COME SOON
If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you know I enjoy bawdy limericks as well as really dirty and funny jokes. With the last dregs of winter upon us I thought we could all use a few really good dirty jokes to start our day. As I was surfing the net, I discovered these three quite by accident and I absolutely loved them. I’m sure they will get a chuckle out of just about everyone. Here they are . . .
NUNS
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time that I kinda-sorta touched one with the tip of my pinky finger” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well, there was this one time that I held one for just a moment”. Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you will be admitted” and she does so. Now at this time, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There’s no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
LITTLE BILLY
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in, and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down, we’d have lost her for sure!”
THE FACELIFT
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the salesclerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,”he replied. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt, I’ll be able to tell your exact age.” There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, you are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
I hope you got a good laugh out of these three jokes. What a better way to start your day with some good filthy humor. More to come in the future.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
“The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my
talent for absorbing positive knowledge.”
Albert Einstein 1985
PORN STAR SUES OVER REAR END COLLISION
I am a constant collector of weird and unusual facts and information. During my travels if I see something that even looks a little bit interesting, I collected it. I have many books in my archives that I’ve not read as thoroughly as I’d like and information your see here is from one of those books. Hope you enjoy it.
- As the great Chicago fire of 1871 killed 300 people, an even deadlier fire was under way 200 miles to the north. It devastated Peshtigo, Wisconsin, killing 600 people; but somehow it never got the same attention.
- All of Reykjavík, the capital of Iceland, is heated by underground hot springs. Reykjavík is probably the cleanest capital city in the world.
- The first hydrogen bomb, tested in 1952, was as powerful as the total of all the bombs dropped on Germany and Japan during World War II, including both of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
- The African climate is not always warm. The Nile River has frozen over at least twice, in 829 A.D. and in 1010.
- For amusement, it was agreed by four friends holidaying in Switzerland that each would write a ghost story. Percy B Shelley, George Byron, and Dr. John William Polidori never finished theirs. Only 18-year-old Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin did. She published it anonymously two years later, in 1818, with a preface by her husband, Shelley. Mary Shelley’s novel about Dr. Victor Frankenstein and his monstrous creation became a classic.
- Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norkay deservedly received much praise when they were the first to climb to the summit of Mount Everest. Less known is the fact that they had a roster of 12 climbers, 40 Sherpa guides, and 700 porters.
- Three pairs of common English rabbits were let loose in Australia, in the middle of the 19th century. Within a decade, the six rabbits had multiplied into millions, menacing the country’s agriculture.
- Japan did not send an ambassador to another nation until it sent Niimi Masaoki to the US for a few weeks in 1860.
- The daughters of a mother who is colorblind and a father who has normal vision will have normal vision. The sons will be colorblind, however.
- Up to 150 tons of meteorite fragments slammed into the Earth each year. As far as is known, only seven people have been struck by such rocks from space.
- By “deciphering” the Book of Revelations, a minister in Lochau in East Germany proclaimed that the world would end on October 18, 1533. When it didn’t happen, the minister, Michael Stiftel, was given a thorough thrashing by the townspeople.
I certainly hope you enjoy reading these obscure facts. It’s almost as much fun as actually collecting them. More are certain to follow because I barely scratched the surface of books I haven’t thoroughly read yet.
WHEN IN DOUBT, READ A BOOK
